I want to have an affair...
I'll start from the top.
I am due to get married in just over a month. Whilst I love my wife to be dearly, and would not change her for the world, I feel like I'm not satisfied sexually.
She never initiates sex, which has been an issue for me since we started dating 5 1/2 years ago. We had a great sex life for the first few years, but slowly things started to tail off, with sex being less frequent. This, coupled with it falling to me to always start sex, means that, really, I'm just fed up with sex with her.
I met with an old school friend in Oct / Nov last year and after a nice meal we ended up having sex in my car. It was a one off, and although I thought she might want to meet up again (but I didn't push anything more to happen) we never did, I guess partly due to embarrassment, partly due to her being single and finding a boyfriend. I'm no fool, she only had sex with me because she was going through a dry spell, but since then the idea of having a fling or an affair excites me. And I haven't really felt excited about sex for a while!
This led to me, my wife to be and a big group of friends going out for a friends birthday last month. After a few drinks, a friend of a friend, who I knew fancied me and is also in a relationship (long term and not great) and I got talking, and I gave her my number. We dressed it up to friends that we were talking about marriage, but we had really been talking about fancying each other.
She never got in contact with me. I never told my wife to be I'd given her my number. I'm still secretly hoping, almost a month later, she'll text me soon and we'll meet up.
I don't want to break up with or leave my wife to be. I honestly love her. I just feel like I have lusts for sex and want to fulfill those needs / wants.
Is there anyone else out there like me? I'm aware that this makes me a bad person, and I feel guilty, but the alternative of not fulfilling my desires makes me desperately depressed.
First off while you are feeling like this DO NOT (I REPEAT) DO NOT GET MARRIED. Your relationship is on VERY rocky ground and this is no way to enter into a 'I promise to put you first forever' contract. Can you seriously promise anything in the vows? Can you stick to those for LIFE? Sorry for all the capitals but this is really important and I hope you get that.
Once we have established that the marriage has a massive pause sign on it, then hopefully this is signalling that we have a problem here to your fiancee. Your issues won't go away when you become a husband. Does your fiancee Onslow your sexual issues have led to infidelity already? Have you considered seeing a counsellor or even better a sex therapist? In the UK we have a charity called Relate who offer these services, I'm not sure where you are from bit you should be able to find help is available.
Sex,while not everything in a relationship, can certainly break one. Make sure your relationship gets at the very least a health check up because a wedding isn't any way to fix it, in fact it can just make things worse.
Sorry typo plus autocorrect. Onslow was supposed to be know
Thank you for the reply.
I think that the role of sex in a relationship is important, but I also think that saying a marriage will fail because of it is not quite right. However, the idea of 'working it out' rather than finding it elsewhere I can see.
In a perfect world, putting everything on hold to iron out issues would be fantastic. But we all know what a wedding day is, the cost, the planning, let alone the significance, isn't something a couple can just 'put off' until a later date. We couldn't afford to do all this again, emotionally and financially. The cost is one thing, but the planning, the politics (her parents are divorced, it has been difficult at times when planning) and all that does not mean we can just cancel our day.
As I said before, I love my wife to be and I would not change her for the world. She is kind, loving, affectionate, and we are best friends as well as husband and wife to be. The only issue is that the sex is not in a place where I want it to be, and it's driving me to want to have an affair. I understand how terribly selfish that sounds, and I'm not trying to play the victim here, if I had a lower sex drive or whatever we'd be the perfect couple. I simply want to (finally) talk about this, and hear about what other people may have done in the same situation.
Hi, I'd say definitely don't go ahead with the wedding, it's doomed!
Sex is important in a relationship but TRUST is essential and that's already been breached and there is nothing to suggest that it won't be again if you continue to feel as you do now.
Have you tried talking to your lady to see how she feels and also, how would you feel if you discovered that she too is unhappy with her sex life and had sought gratification elsewhere?
Hi, I am a woman and I totally understand where you are coming from. But the important thing is don't get married . I am married and now feel stuck and trapped and only option is an affair. Why don't you wait and hopefully meet someone where you have everything you want and need
I really hope you take what I am about to say seriously. First of all, it is at least a good sign that you are coming here to get advice and talk this out before you act on any desires. I'm going to ask you a question, and please do take the time to truly think about this. You are about to get married in a month. Lets say your old friend contacts you and you do go forward with the affair. You receive your instant gratification or who knows, maybe it continues on for months. By then, you'll be married. A few months down the road, your secret is out. And trust me, it will find a way to rear it's ugly head eventually. Your wife is heart broken, she is now a changed woman forever, she is scarred by the man she loved and trusted, she is now mentally screwed up and will never trust another man, she is now very insecure with herself, and she is resentful. She demands a divorce and you lose the love of your life. Can you tell me right now that sex with this old friend of your is really worth all of that?
Also, if this woman does call you, please know that she too is a woman who can easily betray another....meaning she can betray you later on down the road. Women do crazy things.
Lastly, and my advice to you is to simply NOT have an affair and work on your inner desires to have sex with another woman. Talk to your fiancé about the kind of sex life you want to have. You can plan a sexy night with her and while in foreplay, whisper how much you love it when she surprises you with sex. This will get her thinking. If something like that doesn't work, then you should have a serious conversation about it. She does not deserve for you to do this to her.
If you believe in your heart that you can put these desires away and work on the sex life within your own bedroom with your fiancé, then get married. If you know in your hart that you cant control yourself, then you should call it off. Doesn't matter how much it costs to cancel. It is simply the right thing to do. For your sake and hers, I really hope you figure this out. And more importantly, I hope she does not get hurt.
I don't believe you having come on here is a good sign. All the signs say you've simply come on here to test out public reaction in order to gauge how your wife-to-be will react if/when she finds out that not only did you cheat whilst engaged to her but willingly and wantonly continued to do so throughout the entirety of your marriage.
1. "'the idea of 'working it out rather than finding it elsewhere I can see'"
You can see THE IDEA OF. Let's place that one in the DSM IV Manual's annals alongside the other commitmentphobic classic known as, "I'll try to call you", rather than, "I'll call you", shall we?
2. By this statement, you laughably insinuate that the idea of dealing with the problem head-on with the problem co-owner to work out the root cause is somehow too elusive and radical to have occurred to your mind until now when having been reminded of it. Worse, you frame it as a CHOICE!
3. You already cheated with that old friend and yourself indicate that you would have merrily continued had she only not gone and found herself a boyfriend. Same goes for that friend-of-friend. So crystal-clearly the only thing stopping you from being in the midst of further cheating *as we speak* is lack of a partner-in-crime.
4. You assert the 'fact' that your fiancee is perfectly happy about the lack of sex at this too early juncture of your relationship, not bothered a jot, and would happily marry into that presumably permanent situation. AS IF! So either the truth is there's absolutely nothing wrong with your sex life by normal, healthy standards (aside from it having to be with the one, same woman every time, that is!) or this fiancee herself is likewise marrying you for reasons other than love and all its expressions, including its pinnacle form.
5. Can't put off the wedding, my arse. Putting it off is the only decent thing to do which any decent man *would* do, no matter *what* the mere short-term costs versus long-term, ever-increasing frustration, unhappiness, further-wasted money and - effort. So what would you have us believe it is you tend to do whenever your shoelaces fray - set light to your shoes? Pff!
You are not a decent man. That simple. Love your fiancee (let alone 'dearly'), my arse. If that's your idea of love, *any* woman who joins lives with you is going to end up DEVASTATED. You haven't got a clue what love is.
And I'd also add that I find it highly suspicious that, recently, all threads by males who allege to be tempted to commit adultery suddenly keep containing the term, '*dearly* love'. My, how old-fashioned every male visitor regardless of age-group has become lately! Curiouser and curiouser, said Alice. But I'll ignore that little clue and pretend you're *not* a certain past poster trying simply to flick moral nerves to provoke a reaction.
Not even married yet and already with a serious, life-quality affecting problem in your relationship (ooh, I wonder where that stems from!) as is manifesting via a major symptom in an highly important facet of a romantic-sexual relationship. Do you seek to resolve it with your so-called teammate via an honest and serious sit-down discussion, just the two of you or in front of a counsellor if you somehow really can't manage it yourselves, about what acceptable, harmless, productive remedies exist? No. Instead you would have yourself and everyone here believe your so-called solution is actually fairly logical, acceptable, and the *far* easier thing to do! Oh, really? Short-term pleasure that can only lead to long-term pain - her first, you second and forever? Would you have everyone believe you're a picnic short of a picnic?
IF IT'S SO ACCEPTABLE, SENSIBLE, AND NO BIG DEAL - JUST GO GET YOUR FIANCEE'S PERMISSION, GO ON!
You don't need to cheat. You just WANT to! So, no, it's not 'a good sign that you came here' because you did so solely to gain a sense of room for manoeuvre ...to dip your litmus paper in the ether-societal water to see what colours you got back as a way to pre-gauge what reaction you'd likely get if ever fiancee/wife found out. Well, even if before now you'd allowed yourself to be fooled merely by female tact and diplomacy, consider that litmus paper now well and truly BLACK!
God only knows what your reasons for getting married are but they certainly aren't remotely to do with love and respect for another human being. So do the decent thing and self-harm without dragging in an innocent victim, Mr Misery-Loves-Company, or get help PDQ for your Grade A commitmentphobia and selfish, over-entitled, frankly, downright narcissitic attitude. You're not fit for a relationship that involves ANY level of commitment, let alone marriage.
I understand, I'm currently going through the same situation with my boyfriend. I talk and talk and talk and nothing ever changes, I'm currently pregnany with his child and I love him to death but our sex life is horrible. He doesn't initiate sex nor does the things I told him I like. I dream of other men I've been with, I tell him everything,I told him I might cheat bit don't want to because he should be givinge what I need. Life is so fucking hard at times.
A person will never understand how you feel until they are wearing the same shoes as you. I understand completely.
I don't understand, why you will continue the idea of marrying. Your soon to be wife deserves a man who will honour her, be honest and respectful. You are just a sleezeball.
I hope this other woman is the one to stand up at the wedding at the part where if anyone knows of any reason why7 these two should not marry!!!!