I don't want to believe but don't think I can stay
I’m really stuck on what to do with my relationship with my partner. We have children. It’s not unfair to say, our relationship has never been perfect, but there has never been any infidelity, any destructive lying, abuse or anything else like that.
I’ve not been the perfect boyfriend, I can shut down when emotions get too high through fear of saying something I don’t mean. And I don’t want the following to come across as a list of greievences against my partner.
I have however, reached the limit of my patience and not sure what to do next. Effectively, every 3 to 6 months we have an argument without fail which results in her telling my our relationship is on the rocks and why am I even here? After every argument like this I try and do all the things she asks, spend more time with the kids, book a holiday, take her out for dinner and so on. The thing is every issue I have is never listened to or acted on.
One example. I was regularly told I need o book a holiday and it was my fault we never went anywhere. Every time this came up I explained I didn’t want the responsibility of doing this but I was happy to go wherever she wanted to, and was even willing to book it and pay for it if she chose it. She never did and this was the main reason we’ve not been anywhere.
the other problem with this was that based on experience just booking nights away, or a restaurant, I would be made to feel bad that when I have booked something, I have to hear about how poor a choice it was or we should have gone somewhere else. She forgot my birthday last year, and when I mentioned it, she asked me what I wanted then didn’t buy anything,. It was a month later, when I asked her and ended up buying a present for myself from her. I would never have been allowed to forget this if I had done it.
Even with intimacy, it’s always me who initiates, and 9 out of 10 times I’m rejected. Even when we are intimate, it’s almost like she’s watching the clock and doesn’t really involve herself. It's now at the point I don't even try.
I spend a lot of time with my kids, I generally get them up in the morning, feed them so that all she has to do when she gets out of bed is get them ready before she goes to work. She only works 2 days a week, I do this 5 days a week. In the evenings when I get home, I play with the kids or do a bit of house work. Bath the kids, get them ready for bed, give them their milk and take them to bed after reading them a story. She does this once a week.
I’m feel guilty for the fact I only have the weekends and the evenings really with them because I don’t have time off during the week, but I feel I’m expected to spend every waking moment trying to make this time up.
I really don’t feel I have time for anything else, as I’m generally too tired to consider going out for a run or pursuing a hobby. To top all this, I’ve done everything above while remodelling our house over the last 2 years.
My doctor has diagnosed me with stress, I have no attention span at work, very little patience at home and a bit of a short fuse now (i’m quite calm the rest of the time). I have never hurt the kids or my partner, though recently I have been shouting a bit, but always quickly apologise.
I’ve told my wife how I feel and she told me to go to a Doctor. Nothing has been said since, this was before Christmas, I as I don’t feel she’s interested in hearing how I feel.
Last night we fought and again I was made to feel I do nothing. She told me she doesn’t know why she puts up with it, my response was very much she doesn’t have to. She later asked me why was I even there, and she won’t put up with me any more.
I don;t want to break up, but I don’t feel I have a relationship with her anymore. I don’t want just see my kids 3 or 4 days a week.
I’m worried about moving out as in order to make sure the kids have a decent lifestyle more than 50% of my income will be going to their mom, which leaves me in a cheap bedsit or relying on friends. But at the same time I can’t continue to live in this situation as I’ve felt I’ve gone as far as I can helping work things out and there’s nothing more I can do to meet her expectations.
I know I'm far from perfect, but not sure I deserve this
Any help or opinions greatly appreciated
It sounds a lot like a relationship I've had in the past and that you have some of the issues that I have walked though. The first thing I would give you is that you are not listening to you and taking care of you. Figure out a way to spend 15 minutes a day just being quiet with you and just listen to what's there. Your inner self will begin to speak to you. You might in those times just listen and look to see how far you have wandered from your center. Are you still the guy that your wife wanted to marry? I totally relate with not wanting to make the wrong choice, but the funny thing is is that women like men who take charge. So start by making some small choices that feel right to you and then as you build that muscle, try some bigger ones. This is a good place to start. remember that if you don't take care of you, there is nothing for you to give to your family with.