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Trust Issues

- Feb 13 2015 at 04:06
Member since: Feb 2015
Relationship advice Hello,

I've recently started a new relationship (my first), and I've hit a couple problems. She didn't want a relationship when we said we liked each other due to the fact that she just got out of one about a week before. She had been in an intense relationship with him but they had been going on and off for about 6 years. This relationship was very poisonous for her. We recently started dating (about 3 months ago) and her ex boyfriend text messages her every now and then and she'll tell me about them. Today I saw her phone and I thought I saw the recent text from the conversation and she didnt tell me about it. She also seemed off to my viewpoint. I asked her if they had talked recently and she said no. If I talk to her about it she will get upset. I've always had trust issues. Any advice without confrontation?

Trust Issues

- Feb 13 2015 at 08:13
Member since: Feb 2015
In my opinion it is probably too soon for her to jump into another relationship so quickly. If you feel she may be hiding things from you, you're probably right. It would probably be in your best interest to just remain friends for awhile. A 6 yr. relationship good or bad is going to take her awhile before she will be ready to get involved again. Do you really want to be wondering if they're talking or if she is keeping things from you???

Trust Issues

SOULMATE (moderator)
- Feb 13 2015 at 14:40
Member since: Aug 2014
"If I talk to her about it she will get upset. I've always had trust issues."

What, like, 'You look cold, I'll put the heating on'? ;-p

Rewrite: I've always had trust issues anyway so if I talk to her about this thing that shakes my trust and upsets me, she then gets upset.

Here's a lil story...

I *didn't* jump too soon into my next (this ultimate) relationship and yet my ex kept trying to pester me for - I kid you not - THREE WHOLE YEARS. The first few times (one month apart), I took his calls. I'd met my true soulmate (or best soulmate) 2 and then 3 months prior.

In the first call, I tried to gently but firmly get it (again) through ex's thick skull that I'd ended it because, despite numerous 'complaints' and chances to up his ante at the time, he was an even bigger commitmentphobe than I (- I'd back then wanted half a relationship, he'd wanted only a third), that now I'd finally yielded to the fact that for a relationship to succeed meant a choice between all or nothing and had now met an immediately-impressive likeminded on that score - my current, be-all-end-all soulmate - I, a now recovering CP as opposed to ex's still-CP, was not going to dump Majorly New & Improved Recovering-CP for Original Still-CP. (I could tell he hadn't really changed his attitude, you see). [scuse rhyme]

He seemed to accept it... only, NOT.. because one month later he tried again, this time sobbing down the phone with regret and re-persuasion attempts, etc. Again, I was gentle albeit a lot firmer. In hindsight, however, I realise back then I *wanted* to hear his thoughts on it all. In fact, not even in hindsight; if I'm honest, I knew this was my sole reason even then (read on for the why).

Once I'd heard enough, I ceased being gentle (funny, that) and told him to eff off and cease trying to put a spanner in my beautiful new relationship... that he'd had his chance and blown it - FOR A REASON. And that reason was, where I now was and where he'd eventually (if he had any sense) find himself, i.e. it's got to be Right Person, Right Place, Right TIME.

Meanwhile, my No. 1 soulmate was getting bothered by his OWN ex. He and I were very honest with each other over it all. Tellingly. I repeat, in case it escapes your notice: TELLINGLY. You can be genuinely honest, where disclosure is the least damaging thus most sensible option in said lose-lose situation compared to keeping it a secret only for them to find out later (ker-boom!!!), or you can be dishonestly honest, where disclosure is for the purposes of making your new beau jealous in order to manipulate him into upping his ante (to make him make you WANT to stay and not go back to the ex). The latter wasn't our case and clearly isn't yours or else why would gf now, newly, be hiding it. I think I understand why, so read on...

Ex was an uber-tenacious ugger, so switched to text and email. I ignored them completely, didn't make one peep. Didn't even block him or change my phone number and email addy. To have done so would have suggested to him that I didn't feel my conviction alone was strong enough to withstand his attentions. So I let him, so to speak, dance around in front of me, waving his arms with me just sitting there reading a book like he was invisible.

Despite that, next began the drive-bys (yawn) and anonymous, silent or disguised-voice calls (gimmie the gun!) in the evenings when it would have been all-too-likely that my soulmate (by now my husband) would be there to witness it (or possibly even be the one to pick up) and understandably get upset and worried. I could tell the person on the phone was ex, both from the tone and speech manner despite his attempt to disguise his voice ("oops, wrong number") and/or just his breathing. I don't know for sure whether these were just to clock a look and hear my voice or whether they were deliberately geared solely towards making my soulmate feel insecure (like me his ex) so that it would cause problems enough that we'd go splat, in the hope that THEN I'd want him back (not a chance! - I'd rather be alone than un-ha-ppy, as Whitney put it). But I'm betting the latter, or mainly the latter, because - I may be gorgeous but I ain't THAT gorgeous! :-p This was Dog-In-Manger Syndrome, aka 'if I can't have you, no-one can' + 'how dare you reject me and end up happy anyway, take THAT!'.

My ex's pesterings were more frequent and lasted for far longer than husband's ex's. (She'd given up on his third 'uck off!'.) So things got to the point where husband (stupidly) said he wanted to go round to where ex lived and punch his lights out. I explained that if he did that, he'd be showing ex that he viewed him as a threat where my love and commitment for he himself was concerned, which would only encourage him to try harder. Plus, I said, if anyone was going to punch his lights out the privilege was mine because I'd earned it, LOL.

I was right, and husband had to concede that fact when ex did finally slink back into the shadows, never to be seen or heard from again (praise dee lawd!!).

So what I'm trying to tell you is: she can be over *him*, the lover, but she probably still needs CLOSURE. Plus, she might not be over that ERA and EVENT. She'll be trying to understand and mentally file it all away and obviously would need the other player's input to know WHICH files. She might even be gaining satisfaction from stringing him along a little just until he's ready to bust a gut (take that, ya b*gger!).

She's (tellingly, encouragingly) been constantly honest with you ...until just lately. Why has that honesty suddenly ceased? Have you started to react too badly every time she's brought you notification of his latest contact attempt? Is that why she's now hiding it? To misguidedly protect you plus yours and her relationship?

Here's the bottom line, which is what my husband cleverly rose to: if the competition is on, blow the annoying little tw*t out of the water! Be on your bestest behaviour, woo her like crazy (including the emotional support of letting her discuss her ex relationship to help her get over the last of it), and thereby SHOW her there's zero contest and that she'd have to be a right brain-dead idiot to go back to "that, UGH!". Be a FAR better man than him. Be Gilette (the best a man can get). That's how winners win. They don't ever, neither directly or indirectly through a third party, try to trip up their competitors (like her ex is currently doing). They OUTSHINE the competition.

You do that and you can't lose. Because despite her conscious mind might make the mistake of comparing her feelings for you at only 3 months+ with her feelings for him at X years right before they split - deeper down, her sensible side - the side that ultimately always wins - will be comparing you and you&she at 3, 4, 5.. months (= *grin*) with HIM and she&he at 3, 4, 5.. months (= "ugh!"). Like I did.

Because here's the acidly salient point: despite she SAID it was too soon, you managed to woo her into you ANYWAY. And that (against the backdrop of her erstwhile transparency) means something. So, yes, technically it IS too soon for her to be in a relationship with you. But that doesn't mean it can't work. You just have to nurse and encourage her and her faith in you a little - and not scare or discourage her - as she and you walk (her case, hobble) up the relationship path to TogetherForeverVille.

10p please. :-)

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