Lost and confused
I have been with the same person for 20 year's. I am 37 now, we were so young. We had a child who is 18 now. On jan 21 2001 my life was changed. I was walking across a street and a car hit me. This literally changed me as a person, mentally and physically i am a different person. I am mobile to a degree and have all my parts so it could be worse, one of the surgeries led to flesh eating in the jaw site. You can barely see the scar since it is along ear and up into hair line. I know the whole situation was hard on the whole family even now it effects everyone. I have serious chronic pain and do need meds to cope.
Now for the current time. I know the last 10 years have been really hard, my relationship died becausr i was in so much pain and sound bothers me so i often hide on my own. The last year i have been doing what i can to revive our relationship. I may be trying to move a dead horse tho. After the new year i made every effort to give him what he wanted. He said it wwas more sex. So we have done ut like 50 times since January 3rd. Seriously... First thing in morning and before bed, he seemed nicer and was less demanding in other aspects. He seemed better, less mean angry screaming insulting freak outs that made me feel like less then dirt. I am disabled and can not maintain a home exactly like a healthy normal woman. I have to do it in little sessions. The house is clean but not every room is spotless i admit it. I am doing what i can it helps to make lists. Otherwise I can forget what i wanted to do. I tend to escape from the world by reading, a lot.
So i put down the reader every night he came home from work and we interacted with each other and not our digital devices. Even after a month he still kind of ignored me. If i was lucky he sat near me and watched tv. I will put it in that often i was just as distant to him, if not more so in the past. Since he drove me away with really awful insults, i felt like a verbal punching bag some days. Writing all this even i have to wonder why i wanted to give it a last chance for a real relationship instead of two people who are stuck in a dead one.
On Friday i had a whole weekend planed, and was excited to see how he would react to a planned seduction with all the bells and whistles i feel comfortable with. So he came home at 11 pm like always and went into ignore mode. I tried talking, he would not look at me. I spent a few hours in the same room and it dawned on me that he was high on coke. He is not a regular user anymore, but had been so it bothers me. What bothers me more is he kept pretending to be sooooo tired and each time i left the room and came back he was higher. Eventually I got so upset i went to bed, but could not sleep. Since I had to put away my suprises andget into bed alone. After an hour of no sleep i went back down and found him having fun times alone with his pgibe fir company. Even knowing i was upstairs and had planned to have a wild weekend. I got upset and started crying, because it truly feels like he is cheating, even if it is just porn, it could be other people as well. He wont admit anything at the time anyway. I asjed if he was high, sa8d no, i told him I could tell he was so after much denial he admited it. Same with the porn. I feel that lying when the truth is obvious hurts so bad. He has been a porn and masterbation addict since before i knew him. He long ago threw out his collection before the internet. But the last few years he had been waiting for me to go to bed and then entertained himself. Even to the point of pretending to sleep, yet a few mins after i crawl into bed he would be up till late. This is part of the reason i started the "i wont say no to sex" i guess after 5 weeks of it he had enough and wanted porn more for this weekend. For clarity i even tried having porn on durinf sex I did this once and never again. I was just a stand in for what he was watching. Never looked at me once and i felt like a used piece of crap.
I tried to talk to him on Saturday, valentine's day... He told me to stop bothering him about stuff that doesn't matter. I am a baby and to get over it. Then he spent the rest of the day on the couch and if i came into the room he ignored me. When i could finally take no more i told him that i was dieing inside, he said give me a break you just wont leave me alone will you?. So i left and went to sit alone. All ive done is cry for days, its not just what happened friday and then ruining valentines day as well. Its everything. I feel like i was dead for close to a decade, something turned me back on and now everything is just to hard to deal with. I have no friends (since accident they all just drifted away) , not a single person to talk with at all. No family that bothers with me. My grandparents adopted us so my parents are MIA, ive not seen them since i was 12.
So I have no one and I am scared of what may happen if I don't get this off my mind. I keep feeling like there is no point to being here at all. I am already depressed so this has just sent me off the deep end. I know now that their is nothing left to revive in our relationship. I have no idea what to do with myself anymore. Im scared of how horrible my thoughts get. I truly fear suicide. It took me 5 mins to write that word down, to make known my deep secret of having little will to live.
I feel like i just might give up, so that's why I am here. I am confused at ehat happened so fast, he left for work friday fine, everything was normal, then he came home and i was treated like i was lower than dirt. Now i dont know what to do at all. He has woken up and is pretending that nothing is wrong. Even had the nerve to ask why i left bed so early, hinting i that he had expected morning sex. Hell i expected it on Friday and Saturday, i left bed because I know i woukd have had sex anyways. What ever brought me back to "life" has put my sex drive through the roof, and i dont feel like I should be with him after how bad he made me feel. Even seing me cry I had to leave the room because he did nothing but roll his eyes or tell me to get over it. Not one kind word, or even a pat on the back. No he just ignores my pain and belittles it. So now im sitting in the garage alone. Its damn cold - 37c with wind chill, the tiny heater warms a 3 foot floor circle where i sit lost and worried. Being unable to stop these horrible feelings and they keep dipping into the forbidden zone.
I guess that it was to late to fix our relationship, they do say actions speak louder then words. His actions this weekend show me that i am worth nothing and he doesnt mind all the sex but it means nothing. It's just fu*king for him no love involved. I should have known better.
I wish that whatever "woke" me up never happened. I was not happy, but atleast i was not just a split second from a break down. Its either he has someone else at work, cause what ever flipped him off from me happened at work. Now im just lost
You deserve more than this.
you know it.
please have the courage in yourself to say enough is enough and leave him hanging, leave him miserable, leave him missing you.
No human being should have that hold on you.
DO WHAT MAKES YOU HAPPY.