HI, i am in a relationship with a divorced man. He is the love of my life and things have been really great for us since we met last spring until recently. Let me first give some backround.
She wanted the divorce. He has loved her since they were young children. They were on again/off again a lot in their earlier years. She was a coke whore/party girl who continually blew him off. Right before he went to the navy, she dated him for the party since he wasn't a threat because he was definitely going away. As soon as he went she was cheating on him and he broke it off. He moved on, met a woman in the navy and married her. They had one child and one on the way when she came back into his life. She realized he was up and coming and had money now, so she inserted herself back into his life and became pregnant. She showed up at his door (pregnant) on Thanksgiving day in front of his entire family and made a scene. He left his wife for her and married her in Vegas.
They were married for 12 years. Had two children. He became very wealthy. She basically slept all morning, got up , shopped for clothes, went out to eat 3x a day. All the while, she treated him like shit and belittled him in front of his kids, peers, strangers by saying, among other things, that he couldn't F***, had a little d***, and he was an asshole. Every day for years she told him she was going to divorce him. Finally, after 12 years, she served him papers. He begged her over and over not to do it. She would not be swayed. She broke up the family and the money , the properties and moved out. That was a little over a year ago.
He dated a few women eventually and then we met. We have been pretty much inseparable since we met. We spent the most beautiful summer living on his boat having fun. In October, I moved in with him. We work together, I manage his office (home office) and help with lots of things such as getting properties ready to rent and dealing with tenants,etc. Things have been great between us until recently.
About a month and a half ago, she started saying she only had about $3200 left in the bank and he needed to pay the winter tax on her properties that she got in the settlement or she was putting him in jail (she knows a couple of things about him that could get him in trouble having to do with some of the properties and how much taxes were paid on them). When that tactic didn't work, she started being nice and inviting him over,etc. Then she found out about me..... and she blew her stack. All of a sudden, he is ruining the family and she only wanted a break. (She has blown through about $285,000 in about a year). Now she is all about trying to get him back. Sending messages, telling him to leave me, trying to appeal to his sense of family. He is not , as far as i know, going back to her or giving her that signal. But is willing to help her with fixing some of her problem properties so that she will to have income and be able to help put their children (ages 17 and 20) through upcoming college expenses. He also does not want to get in trouble for the tax evasion. He is currently trying to fix the names on the properties so he will be all legal moving forward. So although he is not responding the way she would like, he is also not going out of his way to say "look, stop trying to get back together because i love another woman now.
It is extremely frustrating being in this situation. He says he wants to marry me, but i have got to be sure. I am too old to go through all the pain and heartache again of being someones second choice. She keeps messaging him saying she wants to fix the marriage, inviting him over for "romance" and she is not doing well can he please call. When he does call, she starts crying and begging him back. He is in the middle of the two of us and occasionally deletes her messages/calls so i don't give him grief because he is getting it from both sides. I have installed spyware on his phone, so i see most of the contacts between them anyway. He has not said anything in the way of yes, i want to work things out with you in his contacts with her, but he is not flaming the fire either by setting down clear boundaries with her. he should have the legal stuff cleared up in about two to three weeks. I feel like once he does, he needs to tell her once and for all that she needs to stop with the inappropriate behavior, messages, etc. Or i will tell her myself. I hate that he seems to be unable to stand up to her and say he is in love with me and they are never getting back together.
Any advice would be appreciated..... thanks for reading
I really feel for you. I cant imagine the fear you are facing right now. It must be very hard worrying about who will win. Will it be you or her? So, the best thing to do is be the woman he fell in love with and not give him grief over her. Be compassionate and understanding. I know that's hard to do, but remind yourself that he is not your enemy. She is. Remind yourself that he did not bring this upon himself. She did. Remind yourself that you are the better person. Not her. If you really love this man, put your trust in him and let him decide the fate of this issue. This is after all his baggage that he needs to clean up. Your role is to be supportive while he does that. And he will look back and appreciate that later. Right now, he is probably having a hard time gathering all of his thoughts about everything because its too much stress to have to handle. So if I were you, I would be supportive, help him come up with ideas to evade her, but be positive in your tone. Don't let any b****iness come out in your tone because he will start comparing the two of you. Your goal is to show him that you are the choice for him and only you. Pamper him and just simply love him! He will pick you in the end and tell her to f*ck off.
Thank you for the advice. I think you are right on the money. I am going to try my hardest to do just that. I do worry that the kids will rally behind her and try to cause trouble (after all, kids always want their parents together no matter how old they are or how toxic the relationship). But I will cross that bridge when and if it comes to that.
I appreciate you taking the time to read and respond.
I thought about that too. If you are involved with his kids, show them how special you are too. Treat the as if they were your kids best friends or something. You don't want to act like step mommy but you can be the cool lady their dad is seeing, and they will start to love you, if they don't already. Even though they love their mom, they will respect you for being so nice to them. And when you and your man talk about his kids, always always always show positivity, because the kids have the biggest upper-hand of all.