Why doesn't my fiance want to have sex with me anymore?
So my fiancé and I have been together for two years, engaged for 7 months, and we are very happy socially. It is me who is not happy sexually. We are both almost 30 years old. The first 3 months of our relationship, we had an amazing sex life. Then it changed from him wanting it everyday, to only a couple of times per week. When I finally said something about it, he would say he was tired. He does work extremely hard, and like all relationships, the infatuation phase always comes to an end and we were navigating in a more serious direction so I tried to understand and not push him. Well, twice a week turned into once a week, and it was always because I had to initiate it. I hate talking about myself like this but I am a beautiful woman with a figure 8 and a gorgeous face. I take very good care of myself and my appearance. I get looks from other men everywhere I go. I love my fiancé more than I love my own life but I wish so badly that he wanted me more. I wish it was him who looked at me the way other men do. My self-confidence is waning every time he rejects me. I don't even ask or initiate anymore because I am so fearful of the rejection. I can sometimes seduce him and he will not even become aroused. I have talked at length with him about this a few times and there is always an excuse. He is tired, or he'll say it's too late and he doesn't want to lose sleep, or he'll say he's stressed out with family issues that don't concern me. I have researched this and everything points to him possibly cheating but I know that he isn't. He spends all of his free time with me. He is home on time like clock work. He works with his family and we all talk each day and his mother likes to have control over him so if during working hours, he were to cheat, we'd all be suspicious as to what he's doing and I would have heard about unusual schedule tendencies by now. Plus, we have a family circle tracking app on our phones because of the line of work I'm in and safety reasons. We can literally see where each other is at all times. Never thought I'd use it to see if he was in a strange place but It has proved him to be an upstanding guy. No cheating that I know of! Plus, I can tell its not another woman. There are 0 signs of another woman. I even looked through his phone history. Nothing. So I asked him if we was no longer attracted to me and it hurt him for me to even ask such a thing. He assured me that I am absolutely beautiful to him. After that, the sex got a little better. But then is went right back to once a week, and then to once every two weeks and then sometimes its only once every three weeks to a month. I personally cannot live this way. He even went to see a urologist but nothing was found to be wrong with him. Now, even when we do have sex, he is there physically, but there is no emotional connection at all on his side. I just don't understand. I am very hurt by this. What can I do that I haven't already done? What are some reasons men lose their sexual desires? We are a happy couple who has lots of fun together. We are outgoing and laugh every day. He is very sweet and attentive to me. It is just the sex that is an issue right now. Help!
Does he by any chance have trust issues of his own? From his own baggage I mean?
I ask because I was in a similar situation with my last relationship, and it turns out he thought I was not being faithful to him or that I wouldn't be faithful to him in the future. Which was completely unfounded but still it was how he felt. This eventually led to him pushing me further and further away until finally his insecurities ruined us forever.
Certainly not saying this is your situation or that it will happen to you, just asking.
Turns out he does this over and over with women in his life until they either break up completely or do end up cheating on him because they are so damn lonely.
I am sorry that you are feeling hurt by this. It can certainly be a blow to your self-esteem when you feel rejected sexually by the person you want most to be attracted to you.....
Personally i feel that something is irritating him. OR maybe something embarrassing happened during sex that made him very uncomfortable (I say this because it happened to me, something happened and it made me feel extremely uncomfortable and I cut all contact with that girl the next day).
Cheating is a symptom, not an actual disease. A man can cheat with his *motorbike*. It just means the person uses whatever tools are at his fastest and easiest disposal to keep or create a distance from you, either to stop the bonding at a certain intensity (which they then maintain) or to increasingly lighten it with a view to it dissolving altogether (passively ending it). Whatever/whichever, it just demonstrates that the person either has a problem with intimacy or just with that one, particular person.
Let's pretend he was an expensive car that you'd booked a test-drive of. What you had here, at 3 months, was a great interior, great road-handling, etc., but a sticky gear-shift that manifested only 30 minutes into the test (i.e. prematurely). Changing gears is vital to a smooth-running driving experience.
What you did, however, was agreed verbally to buy the car despite this design fault or personal incompatibility. But you've yet to hand over the actual dosh. And now you're questioning whether you should.
Oh, wait - I've just discovered his 'motorbike': "and his mother likes to have control over him".
Mummy's wickle soldier, is he?
"So I asked him if we was no longer attracted to me and it hurt him for me to even ask such a thing."
Oh, yeah? Well, he should try consistent sexual rejection and THEN he'd know all about it!
As for his excuses: funny how those things existed back in the first 3 months up until the point where you realised if you ceased initiating nothing would happen, yet those things were no barrier then, isn't it? He's fullash*t. What he did was, made the effort for as long as it took until you were hooked and then, job done, took it almost completely off the table.
I may be way off but it could be either that he's still too emotionally attached to his mother for attachment to you to have enough room to properly take OR he's a closet homosexual who hasn't 'come out to himself' yet (hence will always be super-close to his mother for the feminine benefits he *does* need) and wants only a 'cover wife' to keep his public, straight guy veneer intact. Hence why he literally has to force himself to find you arousing to a degree one would EXPECT during what to all intents and purposes is still the Honeymoon period. There again, he doesn't have to be homosexual to want a cover wife. He could just be a cold fish because all of his husbandly needs were already being taken care of by his mother, in with the bog-standard 'childly' ones.
But, no, it's not right, and neither would *I* be handing over my cash, particularly if I'd already let a load of mechanics take a look at it and seeing them scratching their heads in terms of any kind of mechanical diagnosis. So it's not mechanical, then, is it.
What you could do that you haven't already done is to tell him that you're not prepared to cement this under-par situation for-life. However, if he can't perform out of love and happiness, and what with fear of loss being a temporary state of affairs thus futile to try to instate as a lasting motivator, then it's not just the sex that's lacking, is it, it's what powers it, with the lack of sex just being a telling symptom... in which case, an ultimatum won't work for longer than 5 minutes.
Again, perhaps he needs to avoid that super-bonding exercise (which it *is* when in the context of emotional love) because he already feels smothered by You Know Who and needs the rest of his life to feature mental space?
Since you've said more than once and in more than one way that a joyous transmission system is important to you, I think you have a lemon on your hands but where the lemon has to do its own self-sorting out, with you, meanwhile, having to decide whether that's even possible or whether you're prepared to commit yourself lifelong to a lemon when you COULD, if you could bear to remain car-less for a while, find yourself a fully-working, quite possibly superior model?
My husband and I went through this.. almost exact thing. You say he works hard and has family stress (sounds code for my harpy of a mother) enough stress zaps the energy right out of you even if you don't work that day. It can also cause erectile dysfunction and low libido. Be intimate without sex.. go purchase a vibrating back massager and at the end of the day you take turns relaxing all the tense muscles... If he initiates sex fantastic.. If not you were both still close and intimate. Or just massage him until he falls asleep.. Basically take the pressure off from your end. Just cuddle anything really and in the meantime that massager can help you with your stress when he isn't around until things get better