My fiancé allows his 11 yr old daughter treat me with no respect.
Please I need some advise on what I should do to get my fiancé to make it clear to his 11 yr old daughter that I am to be treated with respect instead he allows her to be disrespectful and spiteful when I try to enforce punishment. 90% of our fights are bc of his daughter, I am about to just give up and let her win, what do I do??? Please help
Understand I'm not trying to sound antagonistic when I ask this but... What makes you think it's your right or onus to discipline another man's daughter when you aren't his wife and her stepmother yet?
The next question is: What kind of married life are you likely to experience if this girl comes with him as a package and he's *already* failing to stand up to her on your behalf let alone setting normal child-adult boundaries?
How long has he been divorced? He sounds like a fatherly limp lettuce leaf to me, which is characteristic of most freshly alienated fathers that daren't risk (their misperception -) losing their kids' affections and approval in case said kid/s ever refuse to custody-visit him. This irrational fear is so strong it tends to trump a man's usual requisite sense of protectiveness over his woman.
I would be honest with him in saying that I wasn't prepared to *marry* that situation if he intends to let it prevail, hence what is he intending to do about it? It's his job, not yours.
My fiancé and I already live together, so when his daughter comes for visitation every other weekend she is coming into OUR home, not just Dad's house as she sees it. Within our home we have rules, the rules are the same for each of out kids, I have a 14 yr old that lives with us but is only here every other week bc her father and I have equal custody which allows her to spend a week at dad's and a week here. On the weekends my soon to be step daughter is here my daughter is also. I don't ask much from our kids, the rules are mind your manners, don't back talk, keep your bedroom clean and put your own clothes away properly. They are asked to pick up after themselves, their not 2 and I shouldn't have to do it when they are perfectly capable.. As the woman of the house it is my responsibility to be a mother figure to both of these children, I don't approve of treating the children differently when it comes to following the rules regardless of what they may or may not get away with while at the other parents home, but when they are in our home/ their home also they are expected to conduct theirselves in a certain manner and live by Our rules. The problem is my fiancé feels these are MY rules not OURS. His daughter has never lived with him full time. He has only ever had every other weekend visitations, hense the problem, Dad tries being a friend more than being a Dad. Before I came into the picture the house was rules free, do as you please bc your only here for the weekend sorta thing. Sorry but that is just lazy parenting to me and I don't agree with it. So with all this being said I am portrayed as the B!@ch of the house. This child defies anything I say, 1st of all her mom tells her that I am not her mother and she doesn't have to listen to anything I say. Very mature right?? So instead of my fiancé making it clear to her that it is unacceptable for her to be that way he does nothing at all about it. I get dirty looks, she rolls her eyes at me, mouths off, ignores me when I am speaking to her, she even said to me a few months back that as long as she is coming here she will do whatever it takes to get rid of me ..... Ofcourse she said this without her dad being around so when I told him about it and he confronted her she said absolutely nothing bc she thought she would be in trouble. She received no punishment for that behavior. My feelings on the matter were irrelevant. If my daughter would have spoke to him that way she DEFINATELY would NOT have walked away from that unpunished. My daughter knows better than to be disrespectful, I would have slapped her mouth and she would be grounded for a month, I don't play those games, she learned at a very early age that bad behavior results in punishment.. I pride myself that I used tough love on my daughter as she was younger bc today at 14 I have a very respectful, very intellegent, very thoughtful teenage daughter, and she is a good kid. My fiancé and her have no problems what so ever she doesn't give him a hard time about anything, the worst complaint he has about my daughter is she sometimes makes a mess of the microwave and forgets to clean it.. I say to him, grasp at straws much, like really, that's all you got and he makes it sound as if it's the most terrible thing in the world.. Anyway lol, long story short, I love this man, I love his daughter but I'm sorry I don't like how I'm treated by her and I hate that he never has my back when it comes to her. We have fought over this issue everytime I mention it, he will not disipline his child, he's afraid to make her upset, he doesn't want to see her cry, he's afraid she won't want to come over anymore. So I guess hes not afraid of losing me???
You omitted to mention you were already living together in your OP. This puts a different light on things.
The fact of the matter is this: you and your fiance must either present a united front or NO discipline measures can work and anarchy will soon reign (your daughter will start to lower her own standards out of a sense of justice equalisation), and your relationship will suffer greatly for it.
He may not like the fact of your rules of discipline being firmer than his own but that is no excuse to meantime be undermining your authority in front of one of the children whilst you and he have yet to agree on how the household should be run, otherwise he's being as bad as her in terms of rebelling against you, isn't he. And that is no democratic 'society', it's elitist.
" Dad tries being a friend more than being a Dad."
Yup, there you go. Scared to p*ss her off in case she stops visiting, and scared to stand up to his ex. So he's not ready to marry you where at this stage of his life means marriage of families, is he.
Didn't you get a sample of this BEFORE agreeing to merge family set-ups?
Anyway, I can see why you're so ticked off with this. So would I be. Your fiance is playing good cop, bad cop, with you forced to be the latter, using dual standards that likewise are being forced onto you and your daughter. That's not any compromise between yours and his separate ideas about discipline, is it. That's passive *refusal* to compromise, him getting his own way over yours. It's also not genuine fathering. So in fact, he's stupidly denying their relationship ALL its facets and thereby holding his daughter at arm's length where proper bonding can't take place. And shame on her so-called mother for abusing her poor daughter by using her as her baseball bat for whacking you and yours and his relationship over the head with!
Never mind mere fighting with your mouth, what about HIS punishment at YOUR hands, Mrs Not-Lazy Disciplinarian??? Can you move out again until you feel he's ready to cease being such a limp lettuce leaf and remembers what PARTNER-ship actually means? Or is it your house, in which case you could ask him to leave?
Again, I wouldn't marry *that*. No way, no how! The question should always be: "So he loves me. But WHAT loves me?" In this case the answer is: someone who isn't ready to play re-marriage and house.
If one of you moving out again 'until such time as' isn't possible, here's what I'd do, because my mantra is this: "No work? NO PERK!" If neither he or she are allowing you the 'perk' of setting and administering discipline despite it seems obvious reading between the lines that you're responsible for all other duties that come under mothering during her stays, i.e. 'work' - STOP THE WORK! *He* can look after her, discipline her, cook her meals, do her washing, etc., etc., etc.
He wants one rule for your daughter and another for his? HE'S GOT IT! Does he want fries and milkshake with that? :-p
Seriously, he can NOT have it both ways!
You have the power. Use it.
PS: It's not necessarily that he's not afraid of losing you. It's more that he thinks he WON'T/CAN'T. See the difference?