I dont really listen/how I speak wrong
My wife and I have communication issues. She often says that I don't ever really listen and just hear her. She, also, says that it is how I am saying things that is causing such a big problem. We often do not even speak of anything that can cause arguments, just to avoid them, but we know this is not healthy as we never really know what the other is really thinking or wanting. Much goes to all this, though I cannot mention all. Start off we are bi-racial and have my daughter and her two boys living together. We have greatly differing views on how we raise our children and unfortunately religion plays a part. And though we agree to disagree on religion, its basis, for her, is how she raises her kids. I have my own beliefs and they do not support the same ideals all the time, and does not sway how I raise my kids.I guess the true question is; Are we just too different to make this work? Like I said there is much more that goes on, but that is a lot to get into. I just need some outside views that would help me see things better.
Well DO you listen? Or is she too vague and hinty? And what does she mean about how you say things? Are you too perfunct, brief and succinct?
"Much goes to all this, though I cannot mention all."
Looks like the answer to that one is yes, doesn't it?
There's not much you can do about massive religious and cultural differences, though. I mean, you can always try to find compromises and middle grounds but if the differences are too chasmic, then love may not be capable of breaching such large gaps. So how on earth did you manage to survive the pre-marital 'test-drive'? Did you two rush into it?
What about couples counselling or life coaching? Has that not occurred to you?
Forgive me for asking but in light of everything I think it's a reasonable question: Have you met someone?
We dated for a year before we wed. As for the counselling; she is not to keen for it, though we have discussed the possibility. As to me, your words are slightly to be agreed with,; she believes that I am too particular when it comes to what words are used when speaking, and sometimes true; though how easy is it to misunderstand/interpret what someone says based on their wording. No I don't expect perfect vocabulary, it does, however, make a difference to use the most appropriating words.
For the much to all this part: There are a lot of things that are conducive in a conversation, thoughts, words, emotions, feelings, and to which all play part; to explain all that of some of our conversations would take a lot of paper, therefore I would not be able to mention all. As for the Differences, we do make the best compromises we can. Though, that can be hard as she wants her kids to follow the Jehovas Witness' way, and this is not my beliefs as I don't raise my child this way. That does cause static, mostly between us. However, I cannot condone a practiced belief that when someone errs due to their lives that their fellowship should ban them and even if they are allowed to join no one is allowed to talk to them for being banished. If faith should be accurate and God is a just and forgiving father then he would want others to help rather than send away, but that IS my POV and belief. Thank you for your comment and should you have anything more that may assist I am more than willing to accept and appreciate.
So you put concerted care into choosing precisely the right wording and phrasing to ensure clear meaning but she's vague and relies more on the hidden tacits? Or is she just verbally lazy, used to having her mind read? I'll give you an example. Tell me if this describes her:
You: So are we going out with Bob and Sue this Saturday or with Tony and Jane?
Her: Well, he might have to work so I don't know yet, I'm waiting to find out.
You: WHO might be working - Bob or Tony? And work WHEN - in the daytime or that evening?
Her: TSK! Tony, of course! And of COURSE I meant daytime!
If not, you'll have to give me your own illustration because I can't really advise properly without some sort of better idea. However, to be brutally honest, the fact I've had to ask for such copious clarification and still am not clear, I can't say that I find you to be especially articulate. I find you more of a 'skirter' who talks in too-general terms.
Re the test-drive, I'll be honest here, Wolfgang. If you knew you two getting together was actually going to involve a marriage between FIVE people, rather than the usual two, then 1 year's test-drive wasn't nearly long enough. I mean, were all those dates mainly conducted with the kids there too so that you could see for yourself how religion is her discipline basis? I'm betting not. But if so, were you paying enough attention or were you too busy flying up and off with the Honeymoon drugs high, wearing your Rose-tinteds and focussing mainly on her and how much you fancied her?
Re the banning. Are you saying that when one child is naughty or stuffs up, they get conversationally ostracised? Well, news for her: that's called The Silent Treatment and is a bona fide criteria under Emotional Abuse and neither counts nor works as discipline. It just breeds resentment that gets bottled up for later.
Lastly, I always find it very telling when one spouse isn't keen to seek help in improving the relationship despite the enquirer makes it clear there are definitely problems, *particularly* when it's the woman when normally women are the instigators. Often, that tells me that there's a Master-Servant dynamic involved, and that the master doesn't wish to change anything because 'they're alright, Jack!'. Have you realised you've saddled yourself with a bit of a spoiled baby who hides her slightly bullying and domineering ways under the inarguable-with veil of religion?... in which case, this whole problems is not about differing styles of communication but a deliberate avoiding and blocking of communication in case or whenever you try to discuss the fact she's forcing her lifestyle onto you and your kid, including her playing dumb ("What are you saying? I don't get it?) whenever you try to persist?
I think for both of us, at times, we are kinda vague; such as your examples where one assumes the other is able to reasonably assume some information not stated.
As for the "test drive", we did both dates with and without the kids, though the bigger difference is that my kid did not live with us for the most part of that first year, therefore she was not on most of those dates,(short version: mom got arrested for battery on bf, he got temp cust., we went to court he got full cust., my kid wanted to stay with sister from moms, now, ex-bf. That didn't last long for, they lived with his parents; his father(who, apparently was a drinker and verbally abusive to my kid as well as others) caused too much stress, gave her a two week trial living with myself and my wife(before we married) and gave her total option to live with him still or me after the two weeks. She decided to live with us, went back to court and he gave up guardianship rights.
So, as to seeing how religion and discipline worked with her children I did and acknowledged it. However, my child was not brought up the same and unfortunately mom was an atheist, so she claimed, and basically pushed on our child that ideal and now claims the same thing. My child does however go to counseling and takes depression medication(needless to say mom really kinda messed our child up, I take my part for not being there as I would have liked to. As to the banning, that has nothing to do with the children, my wife was removed from associating with people at their "meetings" for the whole divorce with her ex and their unfaithfulness to each other.
She said she would rather fix the issues we have on our own, she is not above it, but would rather leave it last and try everything we can on our own. I do agree she does have control issues, for the her whole adult life she has had to take care of herself, home, kids w/o much help from their father(even when he was there), but, if I chose to, according to her beliefs the "MAN OF THE HOUSE" has the last say to everything, which would literally give me all the control over everything, but I do not agree with this and believe we must work everything out together, make the decision together, though we both realize we do have to make some decisions when the other is not there.
You know sometimes I think we both just want things the way we want them and don't always consider outcomes or how others view or think of them.
Oh,to the first part I skipped over, I think normally she is kinda lazy verbally, sometimes she has stated that as long as I've understood her it doesn't/shouldn't matter what was said. and to a question you asked in the first response - NO I have not found anyone. I do know One thing, we do really love each other, sometimes I wonder if we just do it in such different ways. Idk, but that's why I am seeking an outside POV.
If she'd like you and she to once and for all fix your issues independently of outside help then what methods and mechanisms for doing so has she proposed? It's no good saying, 'We can do it', the implication being, we're a team, but then not actually getting around to doing it and in the process disabling your teammate from doing it, is it. So what remedies has she proposed?
I don't care how independent-minded and lone directorial she'd learned to become. She by her own free will choice entered a TEAM (of two bosses) in charge of a PROJECT (Project ForeverTogether). If she wants to be a lone boss she can leave you out of it! She can't have it BOTH ways, can't have perks without the corresponding work. She needs to choose and then behave accordingly.
Perhaps she's trying to provoke you into taking up position in the boss seat, and in the process proving yourself a better boss than her? Well, again, I'm with you: Only an EQUAL relationship (of two co-bosses) can succeed healthily.
Sure, maybe she's simply not thinking. Well, tough, she has to. Thinking and realising are part of her relationship duties, too. Including how NOT to leave you ASSUMING you've understood her yet underneath it all never quite sure. It's called, taking the trouble, making the effort.