Lost in my own void. Do I need counseling?
I'm 25 this year and have been in a relationship for 3 years now. My bf is a guy who everyone would love simply because he talks very well and everyone sees him as a really filial and knowledgeable man. To me, he was once the perfect pick for me. We lived a distance away and he would always come from afar just spend time with me. Many people would envy my relationship because they see him as an angel to me. I felt so, never once would I ever doubt that he would sin behind my back or to even do anything horrible to me. Never was imprinted on my mind then, he was almost perfect and honestly I never doubt his feelings for me.
Things changed gradually as he started having interest in modding cars. I was alright until the point where he overboard on the spendings and I had to stop him by screaming at him. Whenever we argue about spendings, he would just drop empty promises saying that it would be his last and shits like that. I gave in for the first few time not realizing that he would turn into such a great liar. As time goes by, he continues his act of vicious spending and started even bigger lies, making even more empty promises just to cover his ass. I was foolish enough to even believe whatever he said he would do. Until one fine day, I read his message on his phone and saw that he just made another huge purchase to mod his car and in addition to that; all the things that he complained about me to his friends (not using nice words of course). As I read it I blew up and almost burnt down the house that we were in (we were on holiday together with our friends in a villa, thankfully everyone else went out before I ignited). Nooo, I did not burn down the house. I almost just blew off my head because of the fire I have in me was so great that I could already kill someone. Imagine that amount of frustration from all the lies with addition of seeing with your own eyes how double standard your bf could be by calling you a bitch behind your back and never once in front of you. This was not the guy I once knew and its super scary to know how evil one could be at the back of your face.
I got insane and almost lost my sanity due to the level of frustration that hit me spot on. I wanted a breakup so badly but he held me back so hard, I could not resist back. At that point in time, I was already lost and I felt numb. We had a very rough journey after that big fight. As I was recovering from my sanity, I realized that he was gradually drifting away from me and I felt something was just going wrong. One day, when I was just speaking out myself to him and told him about what I felt is missing in us; he finally let off himself and said that he has lost that spark in him for me. I was dumbfounded and I knew that it was coming. I was just silly to only think that its all because of the crazy arguments we've been through because of the car.
A week later, I found out that he cheated on me. Not sure if there was any physical contact or similar sort but having that intention to cheat on me with another girl is already enough for me to handle after all that I have gone through with him. Even when I found out that he has cheated, he was lying straight at my face and he had the guts to say that all has ended and there's nothing left between him and the girl. In a matter of a few weeks, I was being mentally tortured by this man. He kept insisting that it was the girl who approached him and lured him into the relationship. On the other hand, the girl's bf told me a different story. Not to mention, that girl was my bf's best friend's gf. It's so fucked up that I was given 2 different stories and all I felt was just lost. On one hand, my bf was telling me all sorts of things such as I'm sorry I did wrongly I will never do it again that he would treat me right again; all the normal shits that a guy would say to cover his ass. On the other hand, I'm still getting proofs that my bf is still trying to get that girl by sending her cards personally and SMSs. I was literally mind-fucked by both parties.
This went on for about a week and I finally made a point to gather the whore and the beast to sit on a round table to speak the truth out. I wanted to kill both of them on that table, I had lost my mind and I just threw myself out in public and gave my bf a scene for himself. In the end, my bf begged me to stay and I foolishly stayed with him till now. It has been 6 months now from then. At the very beginning, he was still talking to other girls to a point where they would discuss about sex positions. How stupid can one be to not realize that he should not be doing such things when he's already in a relationship? He clearly did not realize that he has crossed his borders again and I had to make a huge fuss out of him just to make him think of what he has done.
I am not sure if he's stupid, too naive or just plain dumb for others to take advantage of him. Ever since, I had lost my trust for him entirely and I do realize that its really hard to be happy in a relationship with 0 trust level (possibly negated). i still love him but at times (or most of the times) I hated him so much that I would randomly pick on him and screw him upside down for small mistakes that he says or do. There are times where I really enjoyed being with him and everything could go fine for a couple of days, but there will be times in between where I hated him so much that I feel disgusted being with him.
The problem I have in me right now is that I'm feeling like a double figure in me, part of me who wants to get married to him so badly and as soon. Another part of me really hopes that he would get his karma and fall so badly that he would cry over what he has done to me before. I am so lost in my feelings and sometimes I'm just drowned by these evil thoughts and its still torturing me inside. The things that he tells me now, I would only believe 10% of it and the rest I would just let it be. The painful part of the relationship is that the love partially turns into a very deep hatred and it's really hard for me to control when I would just release myself out. I have always wanted to go for counseling together with my bf to speak to someone else who can evaluate and help us improve the relationship.
I just need someone to talk to and to tell me what I should do and how to move forward.
Quinny, as much as your heart would like to hold on for fear of hurt but this relationship's base has long vanished. What you are holding on to is just a mirage of love. Let it go, move on. What stops you from moving on? The hurt of moving on can't be worse than what you have already undergone. Even if you marry him, you will also be marrying distrust with him. Can you imagine a whole life in front of you where on a daily basis you would be trying to figure which part is truth and which is lies? Whether he is with you and he is trying it with someone else outside? The reasons for his sorry are not genuine. It was only to keep the status of having a girl while he seemed to lose the other one. Tomorrow if another girl chose to be with him, will he be with you?
Shivangi, thanks for the advice given. Honestly, I dont know why I'm still in this relationship; partially its because I'm still very much in love with him but partially I have alot of hatred towards him. I can see him gradually changing into a better person but its just something in me that is still not accepting/supporting for the changes that he is working on. It is indeed the simplest thing to do is to leave the relationship, but I can not imagine what would happen next as in would I ever be able to find someone like him?
Question would be why would i still want to find someone like him? The fact is because he was really a great guy to begin with and no one else could actually make me feel the same as he did for me. But because of what he has done to me ever since has just given me such a big impact. No matter if he has truly changed to a better person or not, I can never diminish the hate I have for him; is there a way that I could help myself to get through this? I clearly understand that it's mostly my problem.
Okay, if you are decided on sticking on then there is lot of work. But remember, even after all the work the scars will remain for life. It will never be the same as before. Just like a cracked flower pot when stuck up, looks okay from far but the crack will always show when inspected near.
First of all you have to start believing that he speaks only the truth with you. For this if your partner is willing, for a while keep the email password common and phone freedom for both of you. Meaning you can use his phone when you wish to and similarly he can use yours. This goes a long way in building up the trust. Regarding your second issue of expenditure, may be you help him accumulate his money over time to spend on his fancy? As he ages, he will mellow down in expenditure and start saving up. Major part is the trust issue so start working on that.