Having problems accepting my boyfriends nephew. Please help!
Hello everyone! I'm new here and I have a few things I have been wanting to get off my mind for nearly a year! I hope I can get some good honest advice from some of you! Sorry but this is gonna be really long because I feel like I have to be specific for everyone to understand all parties involved! So my issues with my boyfriend started almost a year ago. We have lived together from the beginning of our relationship and it worked for us. Everything was great! I'm young, he's a little older (6 years older) we moved in together and it was everything I always wanted! My first real, serious relationship! My brother lived with us for the first 3 months of me and my boyfriends relationship, it wasn't ideal but we made it work. So flash forward to February 2014...my brother has been moved out for about 3 months and our relationship is going good. A few bumps, but nothing we couldn't get through! Anyways...I lost my job that month and was starting the quick search for a new job! My boyfriend one day tells me that his sister needs a break from her 3 kids and my boyfriend thought it would be nice if we could go up to Minnesota (we live in Tennessee!) and watch the kids for 2 weeks since I don't have a job and he hasn't seen them in a while. I totally disagreed at first because I've heard those kids over the phone and they are wild! We have a very nice apartment and I like it clean! I don't like children and he knew that from the beginning! Wellll he insisted and eventually got his way. All of his family here said it would be a terrible idea and not to do it. So we go up to MN and get the kids for what was supposed to be TWO weeks. I go CRAZY the first week..these kids were terrible! Destroying our apartment, fighting, pooping on the floor! (Kids were 5, 4, and 2 at the time and it wasn't the 2 year old pooping on the floor!) We manage to make it through the first week and i'm thinking yay only 1 more week to go! Ummm I wish!!! So the mother literally never called to speak with her kids. We had all 3 in a 2 bedroom apartment! We were now THREE weeks in of what was supposed to be 2 weeks...my bf informed me that it would probably be another week or 2 that they were here. I accepted that and we lived on...did a lot of fun things with the kids and I bonded with the 2 girls a lot! The mom never called and nearly 2 months later my bf had to file a missing persons report on his sister! We later found her mugshot online and she was in jail. She was doing drugs and hanging out with the wrong crowd. I was beginning to get depressed being stuck in a tiny apartment with 3 children all day not being able to work or have any quality time with my bf! (We literally were only together for 6 months when we picked up the kids and only had about 3 months of time for just us since my brother was here for a short time!) My bf had a really good job at the time and could afford to support all of us but I just wasn't happy! It got to the point to where we couldn't have all 3 of these kids...even though he could support all of us financially, money was getting very tight. Heres where things really make me upset: he decided that he was going to send the girls to foster care. It was a decision he thought long and hard about but decided it was too much for us. I was like "what about the boy?" and my bf informed me that we were just going to keep the boy. I was very upset at the idea of that because not only were we going to separate them but the boy was gonna get to stay with us and not the girls? Not fair. He said a lot of things about the boy and how he has issues that stems from certain things that I won't get into and that he won't do good in foster care. (My bf was in foster care as a kid so I think thats why he couldn't let his nephew go) I argued with my bf about us only keeping one and how that's not right. He didn't even ask me if I thought this was ok! He just told me we were keeping the boy! I was NOT ok or happy about that! This was supposed to be a 2 week ordeal and now he wants custody of the boy while he sends the girls to foster care? Not right. Eventually I kinda accepted the fact. The day the girls were supposed to go to foster care the state of TN decided that since the kids are still residents of MN that they cannot take them. (My bf refused to let me go with the girls while they go to foster care because i had to stay home with the boy and he didn't wanna risk them taking him too) So the girls came back. And the VERY next day the girls father apparently calls my bf and now wants the girls in his life and decides to come to TN that day and pick up the girls (nobody knows who the father of the boy is, but technically his mom and the girls dad are still married so he should take the boy, but my bf refused) the girls told me how they don't like their dad and that he's mean.My bf has told me multiple times that the dad doesn't want much to do with his girls. Well anyway after having all 3 kids for nearly 3 months the dad picks them up. They go back to MN...and the boy stays here. I was VERY resentful of my bf for doing this. I agreed to 2 weeks of the kids being here and now he got temporary custody of his nephew. I wanted our relationship back. I know it's selfish of me but I'm not number 1 to my bf anymore. The kid comes first to EVERYTHING. We have only had 2 date nights in an entire year. The kid has to come everywhere with us because my bf can't find a babysitter and doesn't trust anyone watching him. When he told me he wanted to keep the boy and I almost broke up with him he stated that he has so many friends and family that can help out with the kid so that we can have time for us like it used to be. That turned out to be a COMPLETE lie. I guess my problem is is that I feel like he manipulated and tricked me into all of this. I cannot connect with this boy for some reason and trust me I try all the time! My bf keeps saying how I need to be a parent to him whether I like it or not and that this is our situation and I need to get over it. I'm not as happy as we were before. I'm 21 years old and shouldn't have to deal with this. His sister is getting a lot better now and sees her daughters all the time. She even skypes with us and the boy sees his sisters with his mom and wonders why he can't be with her. It makes me sad and so upset that my bf is being like this. He told me that he won't take his sisters son from her but that's exactly what he's doing. He told me it was only temp custody until his sister gets better but now he's talking about having him until he's 18! I just can't keep living like this. I want to eventually get married to him and I want us to have more time with just the 2 of us. And I know i'm being selfish but I want that back so bad! It literally bothers me everyday! My bf doesn't put his focus on me and it hurts. This whole situation is so messed up and i'm sorry for this being so long but I really need some other opinions on this. Am I being unreasonable? Should I just get over it like my bf says and be a parent to this kid even though I don't have a maternal bone in my body? I'm just SO confused as what to do. Everyone that was so against this idea in the first place now praises my bf for stepping up and taking in his nephew. It is a great thing that he did that! But I don't think the nephew is happy here. I have a feeling this kid is gonna be here for many many years. My bf tells his nephew all the time "I know you wanna be with your mom but it's going to be a very very very long time until that happens". So I know this situation is permanent. I still am a bit resentful of the whole thing but i'm slowly getting over it. But I can't find myself accepting this situation for the rest of my life. I just moved out of my parents house at 19 and do not want to raise a child anytime soon but this is my life. I'm not happy but I try so hard to be. Any feedback will be greatly appreciated! You can be as honest as you like! Thanks for reading!
I am totally with you. This whole situation is so weird! May be you should try and find out who the boys father really is.
Damn right he's tricked and manipulated you! But if you KEEP 'kinda accepting the fact', only to rebel against it once IN the situation, isn't the fact you then don't like it partly your own fault? There's you already having SEEN how your boyfriend is a 'sneak the rest of it in under the table' merchant and yet *still* you keep 'kinda accepting the fact'?
He's despot-ing you and you're letting him. And with regards to this boy with whom your boyfriend clearly identifies and wishes to save in an endeavour to save his past self, what about him saving YOU AND HIS RELATIONSHIP WITH YOU? What are you - his unpaid full-time nanny and housekeeper?! Do you know what salary those two combined fetch as a 24/7 live-in? Answer: A LOT!
No, you're not being selfish. You're not being selfish ENOUGH! NOT NEARLY!
Tell him it's you or him playing dada, and if that doesn't work - LEAVE. Say it like this: "I understand all your reasons for wanting to foster your nephew but, as you already appreciate, I cannot tolerate it, not least because I didn't sign up for enforced motherhood, etc., I signed up solely for a normal, healthy, one-on-one relationship. If, therefore, you insist, you'll be irrefutably showing me that you do not want to keep our relationship".
And then sing Adele's hit, that goes, 'Never mind, I'll find someone like you'. There are PLENTY like him (in terms of good points), but WITHOUT all that baggage and emotional dysfunction in-motion.
PS: "My bf tells his nephew all the time "I know you wanna be with your mom but it's going to be a very very very long time until that happens". "
CHILD MENTAL CRUELTY ALERT!!!
Sorry, but I think your bf is a nasty basstud who is out for no-one but HIMSELF. Forget the speech - just dump the dud!
Oh, and PS - do tomorrow's world a favour: Before you leave, you take that poor little boy aside and tell him not to listen to your bf whenever he says things like that and to understand that it's because he wants him to want to stay rather than agree to go back to his mum come the inevitable time she's strong enough to fight to get him back.
If you ask me, this is all about your bf's past issues with his sister and wanting to stick it to her GOOOOOD but under the public veil of Nice Guy.