Married for 11 years and unappreciated
I have been married for the last 11 years to the same person. Three years ago we wanted to have a family and decided to fix his immigration status in the USA. He left for Mexico and said he will be back in two months, but it really took 3 years!!! When immigration finally stated that he could return 4 months ago, I was very happy. I was here in the USA alone for 3 years crying, depressed and suicidal daily. When my husband returned I decorated the house in red, white and blue ballons and streamers. I put rose pettals on the bed and on the floor leading to the bed. I also wrapped a birthday gift for him, (in gold wrapping papper). I had no money but found a second hand store to buy him a shirt. When he arrived in the USA I cooked 6-7 days a week, authentic Mexican food that takes 2-3 hours to prepare daily!
On Valentines day 2015 we had just moved into a new apartment. I waited and waited all day for a gift from my husband. I even reminded him in the morning that it was Valentines day. When I asked him "why do almost all other women on facebook have gifts from their husbands on Valentines day and I don't". He replied " Valentines day is everyday". I said " Then I should receive a gift daily". Then when this became an argument he finally said, "10 years ago I gave you a flower for Valentines day but you didn't like it". I told him that I accepted the rose but did not feel that a .99 cents rose from the gas station matches my worth. In the beginning of a marriage you should always be honest and tell your husband what things you like and what things you don't. It is my opinion that children or teenagers with no jobs buy their girlfirend's a rose for one dollar at the local gas station. My husband works 6 sometimes seven days a week and could not take the time to hunt down a florist shop that sells a dozen roses with a card or a teddy bear! I accepted the rose and smiled but respectfully asked for him to take more time in planning a gift next Valentines day. After that conversation he has never bought me anything for Valentines day for 10 years.
Now I have decided not to accept this anymore and leave the house next Valentines day!! Im going to get a hotel so I won't have to be secretly waiting and waiting all.....day for a gift that never comes. At least I won't have to bee in the same space with my husband trying not to cry. Three years ago on Valentines day I bought myself roses and ballons to pretend it was from him. He saw them and said nothing. I don't know what else to do! I do so...... much for him. I translate for him, massage him when his back hurts, which is almost daily, cook daily, clean, give him gifts, and on top of all that.....I waited for him for 3 years alone in the USA, while he was in Mexico awaiting legal status in the USA!!!
I called him from the USA everyday and we talked for 5 hours a day 7 days a week, for 3 years. I thought he would come back more in love than ever. I even went to Mexico to visit him two times and had panic attacks on the plane. I am very afraid of flying. I cried all the way to Mexico and all the way back to the USA. I was always suicidal and very depressed. When he first went to Mexico I lost my job and stayed in a hotel for 6 months with only his picture and my dogs. I need advice on what to do. How can I get my husband to appreciate me? I know he is not very romantic but...... he sent his mother and his family in Mexico "leather jackets", about 3 years ago. He took the time to find the leather jacket, pay for it, wrap it and send it to Mexico. He can't do that for me!!!??? I guess I'm not as important as his blood family in Mexico. What do you all think.
So you married in 2004 but were apart from roughly end 2011 (year 7) until roughly November 2014 (year 11), meaning at this point you've been living together only 8. Correct?
Why did it take three long years?
I agree it's pathetic to buy you just a single rose. Clearly he had time at the time, otherwise he wouldn't have had the rose. So why wasn't HE wanting, through these gestures as much as anything, to make up for lost romancing time like you were? And what a pathetic excuse to say the fact you'd shown your disappointment at his past, over-tiny gesture had had him concluding it wasn't worth the bother! It's called, take the constructive criticism and do better NEXT time. So, yes, I'm with you.
But a man isn't going to do that if in the run-up he's been spoiled rotten to the point where the dynamic has become set as Over-Giver (you), Over-Receiver-Taker (him), regardless of his performance, is he. He'd only do that (match it) naturally without any need for encouragement from you if he were a Giver to begin with. CLEARLY NOT. And equally clearly, it became an argument because he didn't have a defensive leg to stand on and damn well knew it.
Maybe he does what a lot of takers do in telling himself that his working 6-7 days per week to earn the marital money IS constant demonstration all on its own of how much he loves you (irrespective of the fact that on Valentine's Day you can't MOVE for shops and kiosks selling romantic gifts, even on your route back home, and picking something/s up doesn't require any superhuman effort)? But here's the acid question: would he be opting to work less hours for less pay if you didn't exist and he were single? I'll answer that for you, shall I? *DOUBTFUL*.
I remember how the ex-husband used to come up behind me when I had my hands in the sink and, holding onto my hips, make copulation movements. With purely affectionate gestures few and far between, this time I said, 'Can you NOT do that, please, it feels very disrespectful'. Answer: 'Right! I won't cuddle you AT ALL, then!'. I said, 'If THAT'S your idea of a cuddle, that's fine by me'. He was a selfish, self-centred, lazy, beep-beep of a take-take-take merchant who, not being arsed to ever step up, tried to drag me down instead. That's why I eventually divorced him. I'm now married to a Giver to my Giver. What bliss!
What I'm trying to say to you is, what will it take for your husband to consider *your* needs rather than purely his own? Blood?
Saying that... what with him clearly being a heart-over-guarded type (the root condition of a Taker), I imagine when three years ago he saw the roses and balloons, he concluded you must have a lover on the side and were flaunting it in order to make him feel jealous and threatened. Or told himself that, anyway, for the ammunition it afforded him not to bother trying harder.
Basically, you asking someone to please try harder and them responding by ceasing all efforts smacks of this: "You don't get to tell ME what to do!". It's passive-aggressive. And given the important nature of the relationship and the fact this rebellious response can only result in him losing along with you - in the extreme. I'm talking Personality Disorder level. Please go google and see if you can find your husband. And then tell me why it took 3 long years. And what he was doing all that time. *And (possibly) who with*.
You CAN'T "get him" to appreciate you whereby he shows it (can't HELP but show it!). If by now he doesn't already appreciate what he's got in you, he doesn't deserve you. He's a spoiled baby. That simple. And news for you: being romantic is not a type. It's an urge. An involuntary urge caused by the state of loving someone with all of your heart.
Sometimes it can be that someone loves you with all their heart, only they have A VERY SMALL HEART.
What about you, what do YOU deserve? Let's be honest: despite all you feel and can't help but do for this man to show it, he's not exactly doing much to make YOU happy, is he. Nor, by the sounds of it, has he ever. And nor does he sound bothered about it. All that past so-called romance got generated by YOUR OWN feelings, didn't it? You were in love with the state of YOUR being in love. So you've basically been carrying him like a passenger this entire time, haven't you?
In short, yes, assuming all you've said is true and you've not coloured the marriage to appear moreover Black and withheld the good points and his nice side - I agree with you and see no evidence to counter that conclusion. It's insist on counselling time. If he won't agree to go, thereby proving that he sees nothing wrong as far as he and HIS happiness is concerned (i.e. he's got it good and doesn't want to change a thing because he's all that matters to him), it's Divorce time.
PS: Clearly you were the American citizen. Are you SURE it was you he married and not just your country/the opportunity for a better life?