Adjusting to new family enviornment
Hello... I'm seeking advice/opinions on my current situation. I recently got married. He has two teenagers, 16 year old girl and 14 year old boy. First, let me say my husband has raised both kids on his own, with the help of his parents, their mother left after the youngest was born. I'm having a hard time adjusting to everything. We bought a house last year. The kids don't really listen to me, only their dad... my husband is so afraid to hurt anyone's feelings that he will let them do pretty much anything. My step daughter went to a program and received her diploma, so she's at home all day. I ask for help, as far as picking up after themselves and putting dishes in the dish washer, while we are at work and she doesn't do that and my husband won't say anything to her. There are little things that happen, but so many little things it gets to the point where I am so frustrated and it causes a fight between my husband and myself. I feel like my step daughter is the boss at the house and I have no say in anything... it's kind of like 3 against 1. I'm trying to be the mom they've never really had, but with that, I feel taken advantage of a lot of the time and I'm not respected... any help would be fantastic, at this point I don't know what to do and may end up going crazy!!!!!
Is he seeing that there is a problem? After all, they have been living like this for years, so you are being seen as the "intruder" who sees the household "norm" out of kilter. You might as well be speaking second year Chinese. They all are not getting it . . .
There are counselors who specialize in blended family issues, but unless your new husband sees there are issues and he CARES about your feelings, you are on your own.
Yep, I agree. Besides rules, do you and his kids get along? Do you try to be a loving person in their lives? It could simply be that they do not respect you yet. Maybe try being more fun with them when chores and rules aren't involved and after awhile, they will start to respect you, which in turn should give them more inclination to follow your rules. You can also try letting them get to know who YOU are. Right now, they just see you as the new wife who is now taking a large portion of their time with Dad and all of this is a big change for them. At the end of the day, they are just kids. They still need guidance, good examples, and someone to admire. Give them that and see what happens.
When I was growing up, my neighbor who was 13 at the time lived with her dad. He met and married a woman all in a year's time. I used to go over to their house to hang out with her everyday after school and I LOVED her new step-mom, but my friend could only see her as an enemy. It simply came down to her being jealousy of this new wife and having to share her dad. Her step mother was a wonderful lady (and still is) and embraced my friend no matter how bad the attitude. She "did her best" with the situation and as she put it "let God do the rest". After the first year of marriage, my friend started warming up to her and it wasn't long before they were exchanging I love you, hugs, and kisses.
As for your husband, he absolutely needs to have your back. When my fiancé and I first moved in together, my son ( who was 9 at the time and is 12 now) really loved him BUT...he wasn't too sure about following his orders. I backed my fiancé up on each and every rule (none were unfair) and my son saw that me and my fiancé were in charge as the adults, not me and my kid. It was hard for him to accept new rules when he had only been used to MY rules. I explained to him that each household is operated differently and that we have to be respectful of each other and that it works both ways. It took a few months, but things have been golden ever since. Just talk with your husband without having an argument and tell him of your plans to try and bond more with his kids. This may help him to have your back going forward too.