My Future Family (The In-Laws)
I came to this forum to seek advice about the family I will be marrying into. I have been wanting to do this for sometime. I am a private person and I live in a small town. I am a community figure and so are my future in-laws. I need advice from someone who doesn't know us, who can give an -outside looking in- approach to it. I have a couple of friends I can trust my life with, but their advice is something I would need on a weekly basis it seems, so I don't bother them with it. They are far too busy. And I don't discuss it with my own family because I don't want them to discourage me from marrying my fiancé. That is OUT of the question. My love for him is strong enough to make sacrifices that are hard to deal with. I just need advice on HOW to handle them. Besides, it isn't his fault his family is so ridiculous!
When I was a kid in middle school, I was very close friends with a boy. He lived in a neighborhood of which we had lots of mutual friends. At some point in eighth grade, we became boyfriend and girlfriend for a couple of weeks. I honestly don't remember much about it other than us holding hands once and we did kiss a few times. I was also invited to his house for dinner during that time. Well, he broke up with me and we remained good friends all throughout high school. I've never viewed him as an "ex boyfriend" because, well....we were eighth graders! He even dated my best friend for 4 years, which made us even more close because I loved my friend so much. We'd double date and hang out a lot. After high school, I only saw him once. I ran into him on my 21st birthday while he was out with his new fiancé. I met her and a large group of us hung out that night together. It was nice being reunited with him even though it was not my friend he was marrying. I was genuinely happy for him and really liked his fiancé. She and I laughed and talked all night and I thought I left the bar that night with a new friend. Never saw them again....until.........I met my fiancé...six years later. Now my fiancé just so happens to be the little brother of my friend from school days. I used to play with him when I was a little girl. Here he was...all grown up. We were both single and started dating. Who knew he'd become the love of my life?! I am so glad I never settled on any past relationships because I would never have gotten the chance to experience a love like this! And I am thankful for every minute I have had with him.
When he first shared the news of us dating with his family, his mother said that she, his brother, and his brothers wife (the sweet fiancé of his from 6 years ago) were NOT encouraging it and did not approve. When my fiancé asked why, she told him it is because I apparently told brothers wife that I loved her husband some years ago at a bar. My fiancé then relays all of this to me. I am shocked at this. Now I am having to search my mind and try to remember that night. I've never been a big drinker and even though it was my 21st birthday, I honestly didn't like alcohol at all back then so I know that I was not drunk. I do know that his fiancé was though. At one point she was sitting on the bathroom floor and I had to check on her! So you mean to tell me that she is claiming that I said I loved her husband that night? What?!!! First of all, I have never loved him. Secondly, I hadn't seen him in 3 years at that point and haven't seen him since! So as I dig deep to figure this out, the only thing I can come up with is that I must have said something along the lines of "I think the world of him, we were always such good friends growing up...blah blah blah"... But never in a million years would I disrespect a woman and tell her I love her husband! Even if I DID love him, I still would never do that!. His family continued to hound him about it but he told them that he was going to date me no matter what and to get over it. At one point, I even told my fiancé that I would rather just not be together than to deal with all of this drama. We'd only been dating a few weeks! And while they were seriously magical and I already knew I loved him by then, I had this flicker of a feeling that his family would become my worst nightmare. And they did!
Now with every second that passes of them being more and more of pain in my a**, I am becoming more and more smitten with the man I love. How crazy! I KNOW my life would be EASIER if I left, but I also know that I would not be happy without him. Nor would my son, whom my fiancé treats like his own child. My son has never had a father and he finally does now...so there's a child's feelings involved with this too.
After his family realized he and I were not going to break up, (and when I say family, I mean his MOM...but she does all the talking for the family...she is the mediator and therefor swings everything in the direction she wants them to go in) they just silently accepted it. Two months later, my FSIL approached me while at a bbq and said she hoped things would not be awkward for us considering the past. I said "Excuse me? I do not know what you think you heard me say but I promise you that I did not say I loved your husband. If I said anything at all, you misinterpreted it. All of this is completely ridiculous!" She apologized for being confused and agreed that it is ridiculous and left it at that.
Then after another month or so, she and I were invited to one of my FMIL's events. She loves to throw parties. She had asked that us girls arrive early to help her with setting up. When I arrived, my FSIL was not there so I asked where she was. My FMIL starts fake crying and informs me that she will not be coming because of ME! She then tells me that my FSIL was in the grocery store the day before and saw my sister, but that my sister did not speak to her or acknowledge her". My response was "I didn't know my sister even knew who she was!"...and my FMIL says "I really hate all of these problems that keep coming up...I really really do....so how about you and your sister call her and apologize". At this point, one of the guests walks in and is asking what's going on. I completely ignored the guest and I told her that I would not be calling to apologize, nor would my sister, but that I would like to call her and express how ridiculous this all is. Well this was not the response she was looking for, and now that she is in front of guests that she so desperately wants to impress, she starts changing her tune and begins telling me how insecure my FSIL is and how I shouldn't worry about it. So I called my FSIL right then in front of my FMIL and told her that I was sorry to hear she would not be coming and that my sister does not even know who she is, not to be offended, and that's that. I never had another single problem with my FSIL after that.
Well, lets fast forward to after my engagement which was almost 2 years later. My fiancé came home from work very upset. He was irate, and said he didn't want to invite his brother to our wedding. He explained to me that his brother has been putting me down since the very start and that he has had enough. His brother told him he shouldn't marry me, that he doesn't think I am good enough, that I'm not in it for the right reasons, and that he should seriously re-evaluate what he is doing with me. I am watching my fiancé cry for the first time while he is telling me this. I had no idea his brother felt that way about me, especially since we hardly ever see him! I mean, my fiancé owns a company with his brother and dad so they see each other every day but I only see my FBIL and FSIL on holidays and occasional dinners. Maybe 10 times a year MAX. So I am naturally shocked and hurt by this too. My fiancé told me that all of this took place during lunch at their parents house and that his mom and dad did not say anything to object it. It was a big fight in their kitchen. And they didn't say anything to the contrary so that tells me and my fiancé that they agree, right? Well my fiancé tells them all where they can stick it and leaves.
Well, the next day, my FMIL called me and acted as though nothing was wrong! So I brought it up. I told her that I don't understand why they all feel like I am not in our relationship for the right reasons. She then proceeds to tell me that there is more to it that I don't know. She tells me that her son (my FBIL) was in love with me throughout high school and even after graduation. He never pursued a relationship with me because I had a baby when I was 17 and he did not want to deal with that. So he never revealed his feelings to me. She even told me how just a couple of years before I started dating my FH, that my FBIL had mentioned to her how he could have married me if he wanted to and wondered what I was doing now. All of this was said behind his wife's back. She apparently had been told when they first met about a girl who meant a lot to him but that he would not date because of baby circumstances, but she did not know that he was in love with me! SO here is my FMIL (who btw is a cruel human being who loves gossip and drama except at the expense of her precious boys...well normally..) telling me all of this in an effort to explain to me how I have caused such big problems in their whole family. Umm......Hello?! I didn't even KNOW he ever liked me, much less loved me! And now I think I understand WHY his wife felt insecurely towards me, AND ALL I KNOW IS I LOVE MY FIANCE AND I DONT CARE ABOUT THIS SH*T SO EVERYONE NEEDS TO GET OVER IT AND STOP BULLYING MY FIANCE!!!
So, now I have a secret about my FH's brother and his past love for me.....Well, since I do not keep secrets from my fiancé, I told him everything his mother told me. Now the two brother REALLY hate each other. More on my FBIL's part than my FH's. They just cant get along, yet they run a business together with their controlling parents and all of this is a big mess. And I really feel sorry for my FSIL who has no idea that any of this has happened or resurfaced if you will.
This is ONE of MANY issues with this family! Any insight?!
I don't think there is any direct solution to this. Men have a built in jealousy when it comes to the women they love. Here obviously though you have let go of your FH's bro long back while in school itself, he somewhere still considered you as his girl. I do not think he was in love with you. That could be the dramatical creation of his mother. But yes he must be feeling the male jealousy and wouldn't be wanting to feel it on a daily basis with his brother. Which is why all this mess.
May be your FH needs to look out for a job elsewhere? That would be the only key to happiness. Gradually may be overtime the FBIL would accept the truth to all this and mellow down. However must admit, you have a really good fiance! Has stood by you through thick and thin!
Erg...I wish getting a new job was something my FH would do, but there is too much money at stake for him to walk away from. He is a majority shareholder in the company. I actually posted a few days ago about "Family Business Issues" which basically results in us learning that his family has been cheating him of profits and committing all sorts of illegal things. Even though my FH stands up to them MOST of the time, this would be the one big tricky thing for him. He has been trained to believe that without his parents, he would never have any of the fortunate things he has now. And I would say that is technically true. His dad started the company with his grandfather and a large company stake has been gifted to him as a blood right. All he ever had to do was turn 18. Ten years later, he is still just being treated like an employee child and is having to go along with what his parents decide. If not, then Mom, Dad, and Brother make his life miserable on the day to day. You'd really have to read all about my post to understand it fully.
I also do not believe for second that my FH's brother ever "loved" me. I am all too aware of the theatrical way my FMIL can tell stories. When my FBIL and I were friends in school, he never made any kind of hint at liking me. Other than the two weeks I was his "girlfriend" in the eighth grade, we were not flirtatious with each other at all after that and not even really during that time either. Our little courtship if you want to call it that, was very immature, innocent and brief. There was never really anything there "to let go" of.
As for my FH being so good, YES he IS!!! I am a very fortunate woman but he is not perfect and he battles with what to do because he is such a good person. He is good to a flaw. I tend to be a tough decision maker in situations like these. I am a person who takes action normally, so it is very difficult for me to have to put up with so much from these people. He is not going to do what is necessary to be free of them...mainly out of fear. Fear of the uncertain. I am very torn with it too. I BELIEVE in family. And so does he. But I feel like if we haven't already reached the point of enough is enough, it is inevitable that we will someday. Because of my fiancé's company, I really cant enforce a decision to be made. That has to be something he is ready to do. Until then, I have to learn how to handle my interactions with his family because everything seems to ride on us being compliant. It's easy for my FH to take up for himself and for me over certain issues, and another to do it on more serious issues...like with the company. These people actually scare us sometimes and are constantly proving their level of power over others. It's what they do. They are good at being intimidating.
His mom exercises control in all things with his life. I have managed to get many things changed, like him managing his own bills and bank accounts, him not telling them everything he does all the time, him not including them on every decision he makes, him setting boundaries for visiting unannounced, him allowing his mother to book his medical appointments and accompany him to them, him not allowing his mom to shop for his clothes and groceries. I have managed to change all of this, but not for a price. And the price I am paying is their consistent disrespect toward me. My FH loves his family and hates them at the same time. He never wanted his mom being so involved in his adult life and desperately wanted her to stop suffocating him. He was embarrassed by this when we first started dating. And he was worried I would leave him when I fully discovered the depth of his family issues. Sometimes, he is still afraid I'll leave. But I wont. I am in this with him now and I will never abandon HIM. I may abandon his family though...and without regret. Before I came along, his mom would make him feel like an unworthy son with no appreciation for anything they have done for him if he tried to cut off any of their controls. I have inspired him to be braver with his family and stand up for what is right. She views him as an extension of herself and not as another whole human being with his own life. If he excels at something, she takes the credit that he "got it from her". She loves to tell others how much of a momma's boy her two son's are, when that could not be farther from the truth when it comes to my FH. She calls our house several times a day to check in. Any time his tone is the least bit "unbecoming" as she likes to say, she will pick a fight with him in a manipulating and tormenting way to make him feel like he is a terrible ungrateful son. And it's quite convincing! The bottom line is that his mom and dad set up everything he has in order to maintain complete control and obedience throughout life. And the biggie is them living large and flashy lifestyles at the labor and expense of their sons. One realizes this and the other doesn't. FBIL is still blind and completely hypnotized, along with his insecure submissive wife. So there are three family members against him should a company dispute arise and we are trying to learn more about majority votes from shareholders and how that can impact things things. But that goes back to my other post.
Sorry for the long rambling but I've been wanting to get this out for so long and it's my new found therapy. Feeling better with every word typed! Thank you for listening!!
Correction: "I have managed to change all of this, but not for a price." Meant to say..."But not without a price"...One I don't enjoy paying.
Oh ok...after having correlated all your posts I get the larger picture of the whole issue. If you feel better writing it down, do so by all means!
I read your other post also about having to raise your baby alone. You have done an amazing job! Such a strong person as yourself will surely find ways to get out of all this mess with time. Your FH also faces the issue that he is the youngest in the family. For some mothers' their little baby never grows up in their eyes. I feel that is also getting in his way here. He needs to speak out to her and tell her that though I love an respect you, please let me take my own decisions and help me grow. Put it in a way that she would be actually helping him get power and position in the company. Kind of manipulating but harms no one! She will be happy that son is in her power (where as actually its not) and he will get what he deserves.
Thanks SHAVANGI. I'm a here for all the advice I can get! But....he's been doing that for years now! It doesn't work. Especially not without things getting worse. :(
Case in point: One Saturday morning last summer, I woke up to the sound of two women's voices in my house. I looked at the clock and it said 7:30 am. Well, everyone who knows me including his family, KNOWS that I like to sleep in on Saturday mornings unless there is somewhere I need to be. So I hear these voices and realize quickly that it is my FMIL and her sister, and they are asking my 11 year old son, who is watching cartoons in the living room, where me and FH are. My son tells them that FH just left 15 minutes ago but not sure where he went off to (this confuses me as I hear it because it is unheard of for my FH to be gone that early without me knowing about it) and he tells them that I am sleeping. Meanwhile as I am listening to them, I don't want to get up because I am in nothing but a t-shirt and if I get out of the bed, they will see me down the hall from where they are standing in the living room. And I didn't want to deal with them at 7:30 in the morning, let alone any time of day! So I lay quietly hoping they will leave. They say to my son "She is STILL sleep?!" as if I am committing a crime... and he innocently says "Yeah..." like he's suddenly curious himself as to whether or not I'm doing something wrong.... and then I hear FMIL say she is going to show her sister around (her sister was visiting from out of state and hadn't been to our house before). So I hear them walking around for a few minutes and then they walk around outside in our yard. My FMIL is very loud by nature so it was just disturbing. I am lying there FURIOUS that she does not have enough respect to call first, upset that FH isn't around to handle this, and sick of her thinking she can do whatever she wants in our lives! She just comes right over, doesn't even knock on the door...just comes right on in and demands answers as to the status of our household ....at 7:30 am on Saturday morning, KNOWING that I am trying to sleep.
I work incredibly hard in my career (which his mother also does not acknowledge and instead she treats me as though I have nothing important going on in life). After I hear them leave, I get up and get dressed. By the time I come out of the bedroom, my fiancé is back. First of all, I still don't know where he was and I'm already in a bad mood. I ask him where he went and tell him his mother just dropped in and woke me up with her loud mouth showing his aunt around our house! He didn't want to tell me where he'd been which made me feel like he was being secretive and I just could not understand what was going on! So he finally tells me that he left to pick up one of my birthday surprises, but didn't want me to know and was hoping he could be in and out before I woke up. So now I feel bad for scolding him and he gets mad that his mother has caused all of this. This was one of those moments where I had somewhat of a breakdown and just really started venting about his mom and how things have to change. He agreed, but did not say what he planned to do about it. A couple hours later, he decides (on his own will) to call her and very sweetly says, "Mom, I know you were excited to bring my aunt over this morning but you can't just stop by and come in our house unannounced like that. We just want to be prepared when you come over." As I hear him say this, I am so proud of him and also a little shocked he's doing it! Whatever she said on the other line though, caused my FH to feel the need to soothe her and tell her how much he cares for her but that it is just a simple request he is asking of her and not to take it so personally. Well, they get off the phone and he tells me that she is "pissed". Well.... clearly! She is not used to not having her way! That night, we were due at their home for dinner since they had family in town. Once my FH and I arrived, the whole family...FFIL, FMIL, and FBIL ganged up on my FH abut his attitude and lack of respect toward his mother earlier and how it is very "unbecoming" and will not be tolerated. It is always followed up by reminding him of everything he has and how he'd have nothing without them. Then finally comes the theatrical performance from his mother who starts fake crying and throws herself in his arms saying she "hopes everything gets better because she just loves him so much"...and then reminds him with the infamous "Remember, that I'm Mom!!!"! So here they have totally dismissed his request and have backed him into a submissive little corner. But my FH stands his ground and calmly says "We have a private life that is meant just for us, and we have a life we share with others. If you want to come over to visit, that's fine. But we would like the courtesy of a phone call first. That is simply all we ask. Please respect that." Then his mom starts complaining that FAMILY should not have to follow that rule. Eventually, my FH gives up talking. He is not a confrontational person and is not the best with arguments, so he is always the first to leave it alone. Since then, she does call before coming by MOST of the time, but even then, she will call while on the way over and say "I'm on the way over to your house and will be there in 5 minutes! I bought you guys some groceries!". This way, she can come over and peek into our lives and rub in the fact that she has done something nice for us and collect praise from my FH. And as for her buying us groceries, I HATE that! My FH thinks it is nice of her because it obviously saves us money, but as the woman of this household who plans our dinner menu each week, I want to be the one doing the shopping for my family. See, I understand her behavior to be a constant means of HER trying to run OUR household and undermine me. FH disagrees on this topic and can only see the good in it. I have let this one slide far too much.
I appreciate your compliment and I really am a strong person. I'm very strong willed and hard working. That definitely stems from me having to grow up and be responsible so fast at a young age. Mostly, I'm a passionate person and give my all to everything I do. His family has never once complimented me on anything. They do not even acknowledge what it took for me to get through some of those tough years. They've never really taken the opportunity to get to know ME or my son! His mother was only interested in my resume, my income, who my parents are, and things like that. Because I am strong willed, I normally do not allow people to walk all over me. My parents always said I was a "force to be reckoned with". People who really know me, including my FH will tell you that I am a tough sell and difficult to fool. I am the type of person to call you out if you are disrespectful or rude. I have tact and grace about it though...I'm not a mean girl by any means. I try to be fair and I find myself handling things in a professional way, even if they are personal issues. Part of this comes from me being a GM for a large corporate firm where I had 40+ employees reporting to me. I did that for years and it will always be a part of me I guess. But with this family, I do not stand up for myself the way I should. I let my FH do it because he says it will cause them to try and break us up if I do it. And although he says that could never happen, my greatest fear is them making him choose between them (meaning millions in assets eventually and their support) or me. I feel in my heart he would choose me, but one never knows what they'd do until actually faced with that situation. They've been cooking books in the company for so long, they are professionals at it and we believe they have the power to (politically, with all of the people in their pockets) to really screw him over. They screwed my FFIL's own mom and dad and somehow convinced the entire community that THEY were the victims. Now, the grandparents are shunned upon and thought of as despicable people who once had a good name. It is SO SAD and disgusting!
It is really commendable that even after being cornered by family members your FH stood his ground for you! See each time your FH stands up for your rights there is a small change. At least your FMIL calls up now! I do totally understand how they interfere in your lives but given the situation you are in (where your FH works in the family business and doesn't want to let go of it) we are left with no choice rather than putting up with all this. Some mothers are like that. For them their kids will always remain kids. Somehow she has managed to keep the elder one also under her thumb!
A golden rule in life is when you cannot conquer, bow to conquer. Try a different approach. Though you dislike her, praise her for things that you can manage to find good in her. This could put her on a cloud 9 and work somethings in your favor. Instead of concentrating on what she does wrong with you both, ignore that for a while and put your focus on the good in her silly actions. As your image in her eyes improve, you will find a change in their approach to you too. Gradually you both can may be find your way to what you both desire in between all this.
Actually we did that back in school. There was a teacher who was very stern and wouldn't give us good grades no matter how hard we tried. All our requests or arguments fell on deaf ears. It was then another teacher taught us this trick. He asked us to praise him. Keep his ego high. Do things for him. We followed that advice and things were so good after that! Not that we ever liked him but for our self interest we did it. Suggest you try using the same approach here.
It is commendable and I am so proud of him for sticking up for me. On the bright side, this experience has definitely taught me what not to do with my own son!
As things currently stand, FBIL is still being breast-fed and FSIL treats FMIL like she is her own Mommy, but also like a BFF. They are both a little older than us. They like flashy things also and want to keep up with Mr. and Mrs. Jones......Mrs. Jones is my FMIL. My FMIL runs their household completely and they let her. She gives them daily advice on general things, tells FSIL which cleaning products to use, inquires and reminds her to check mail and pay bills, and helps her balance checkbook. FSIL goes to FMIL when FBIL doesn't give her what she wants and has FMIL have a talk and ENFORCE FBIL to give FSIL what she wants! Crazy!!! FMIL tells FSIL how to raise her grandchildren, and goes with them on 80% of their outings and on all family vacations. We don't communicate with FBIL and FSIL much so we don't understand it completely. FBIL and FFIL are both FMIL's body guard and defender whenever FH stands up for himself. And FSIL and FMIL talk 3 times a day at length about everything. She confides all of her marriage issues, financial issues, and family and friendship secrets. FH and I think that the two of them are somewhat blinded but mainly are milking his parents for whatever they can get, whether it's material things, connections, a favorable seat in the company disbursement of funds, or anything that they can benefit from. Having said that, they are taking so much from his parents, that THIER price to pay is the highest of all!!! THAT is why FMIL accompanies them on vacations, goes everywhere with them, is present for all of their life's most serious decisions, MAKES those decisions for them, and gets to tell them what to do. This is what it would be like if I bowed down and allowed her cloud 9 access. Sure, some things would work in my favor, but she's the narcissist, so the greater benefit will always be hers. I have to start thinking of a really clever way to deal with these folks if I am to face a lifetime with them (depending on if my FH ever takes legal action in regards to the company issues but I highly doubt that - He's too pure). But the fact that FB&FSIL do this, makes FMIL & FFIL think that me and FH are ungrateful, unworthy of the “next step” whatever it may be, and that we are not treating them as we should.
And I know I'm super long winded, but I want to tell you this unbelievable story....Last year, I decided to change career paths that allowed a better schedule for me with my son and FH since I used to travel all the time with work. I had been working for a corporate company for years, traveling every week and really missed my son. I ran into a Realtor I knew from years ago when I used to sell real estate before my corporate job. She and I talked for a bit and I mentioned wanting to get back into real estate. She, now being a real estate broker with her own firm told me she would love to have me join her. After much thought and consideration, and with the support of FH, I decided to go for it. This broker is a lady who is an acquaintance of FMIL. In this town, everyone is an acquaintance of FMIL though...so that is not surprising. They ran in the same circles but were in no way close friends. FMIL talks about all of her friends all the time. My broker was not one of those people. Once I signed on with firm and got settled in, my FMIL initiated a sudden close friendship with my broker. At first, my FMIL would call me and say how she ran in to my broker and tell me how excited she was about me coming on board. Then my broker would tell me how my FMIL had invited her over for drinks after work. Then my FMIL would call after my broker and her would share drinks and tell me all about their conversation which at first centered around work...things like "Broker said things are really looking up in real estate...I think you will be okay in this market...she feels good about it". After a couple of weeks, they started hanging out every day. My broker was going to her pool every weekend, attending their parties, and they would even talk on the phone during the day when we were working. I told my FH that I felt his mom was up to something, like she was trying to spy on my work life or something and he thought I was being paranoid at first. Then, he noticed their friendship was growing even more and they were starting to become extremely close. Well, I'm not stupid so I knew better than to draw attention to it at work. I never speak about my personal life so I had no worries about saying anything I shouldn't to FMIL's new found best friend who happens to be my broker that I work with every day. Well, my broker was going through marital problems and sadly thought my FMIL's friendship was real...so to her, she was just happy to have a friend that would talk to her about her marital issues. Little did she know FMIL was USING her for information about me...and was even willing to put up with my brokers sad sob stories every evening about her husband just to be able to hopefully squeeze in a few minutes of gossip about me....if she could ever find out anything. She was using my broker as her ticket to information she thought she'd get... and I don't know what info she was looking for, but she was definitely up to something! Well one day, my broker and I are sitting in her office and she tells me that I can talk to her about things if I ever felt I needed to. She said she noticed I never open up and that it's not good to keep things bottled up. I told her I didn't have any problems bottled up but that I would remember that if I ever do and graciously thanked her (this was my tell-tale sign that FMIL had finally brought my broker as a piece into her game land). Then she tells me not to say anything but that my FMIL was very upset with my FH over the weekend because he asked her to call before stopping by our house (remember that story?) and that she took up for us and told my FMIL that she couldn't blame us and is the same way at her own house. She then looks at me very seriously and slowly and firmly talks to me like I am some child and tells me that she has known my FMIL for over 20 years and that I would do well to dot every i and cross every t. Chill bumps emerged when she said this. It was surreal....like am I dreaming this? Is this really happening right now? Then she tells me that I CANNOT tell my FH that we had this talk. I told my broker that I can't keep secrets from my FH, that's just not how I operate. Then she told me that I would regret telling him because he will confront his Mom and things will end badly for me. She said that it will ALWAYS be FMIL and FH...but it won't always be FH and ME ....IF...I don't watch out around FMIL. She said all of this in a motherly way toward me and I will never know if she was being genuine or not, but just in case she was working for FMIL, I decided I better have a reply. So I said "Well, I am certainly not in competition with anyone and his mother will always be his mother, but I think I know my FH, and I believe you are wrong in assuming his love is only conditional upon his mother’s approval for me. Then, I politely told her that the conversation was making me uncomfortable, that I did not want to talk about family or personal things and then I left for lunch. I started having an anxiety attack and it hit me right then and there that none of my crazy sounding over-analyzed hunches about my FMIL were wrong. I knew right then that my intuition was telling me correctly all along that she was not good. I told my FH everything when I got home and he sat there...dazed...trying to process everything and told me that I needed to get out of that office and find a new firm. But how, without opening a can of worms? I contemplated and I prayed. I prayed hard. Within a month, my broker informed me of a big change in commission policy at her firm (it was a very negative change for me - her only agent), which I used to part ways with her ( I would have left no matter who my broker was over this change). When I sat down to meet with her and give my resignation, she was very offended and said that she now feels she had wasted time on me and that I turned out to be a big disappointment...and then she followed it up with "and I'm not the only one who thinks that". Since it was only me and her in the office, I wonder who she was referring to?! Hmm....
Within a week, I changed firms and don't you know my FMIL dropped her like a fly. They haven't hung out since. But my FMIL sure did love telling all her friends how I don't seem to have job stability as of late!!! Crazy evil witch!