Please advice, How do I get back back my happiness ?
I was in deep relation with my girlfriend for 3 years, I live and work in Canada and she is in India, due to family mismatch, my parents didn't agree for our marriage. In last 2 years I came to India 3 times only to resolve our issue, but my parents were so strong enough in their talks and their smart moves didn't let me move forward.
I came to India again 4th time last month, they extremely pressurized and emotionally tourchered me to marry a girl of their choice, I cried and fought a lot but my parents way so selfish for their ego, respect and society. I married a girl to their choice last month and in few weeks my wife came to know about my past.
When I returned from India to Canada last month, I spoke and regretted to my girlfriend for what ever happened, I explained her the whole situation and she said if I can divorce my wife, she is very much willing to marry me and ready to wait for me. We both were in so much love with each other and I asked her to wait for a month, while I discuss to my wife. We cried a lot when she left me at Airport.
But suddenly, in last week or so my girlfriend's attitude changed, she has started ignoring me, she says I did everything for my parents respect and never took care for her and there is no guarantee for success even if I come to resolve this matter again. She saw my wife's Facebook profile where she posted our marriage pics and my girlfriend was so mad at me. My girlfriend's attitude has changed a lot in a week's time and I can sense she does not have anymore interest in me. Her family was so happy with me before my marriage but now they also doesn't support her anymore in keeping any relations or talks with me.
I have lost my smile, my happiness, my relations, my love and passing through a very tough time, I feel my happiness lies only in my girlfriend as I love her my heart out, but it seems she wants to walk away from my life as she feels things are now very difficult for us to solve and she cant wait anymore to be hurt again, What should I do ?? Please help !
I think you should have followed your own heart and not your parents from the get go. I am no sure why you would allow them to control such an important part of your life just because of they said so. What kind of pull do they have over you that would make you fearful not to do what they say? If none, then simply do what your heart says and start fixing your circumstances. Maybe it isn't too late for an annulment? Since it appears to be an arranged marriage, your wife may not mind it either. Then you can start taking steps to be with the woman you really love but you better act fast because time may be running out.
Few things I would like to mention:
My marriage was forced marriage, my family emotionally tourchered me and that was very extreme level, just to salvage their ego and respect in society. Today post marriage, my family my parents they don't care about me anymore, all they talk to is my wife to get any news from my side. before marriage, my parents were used to talk 3 times a day with me anyway.
My wife and her family before marriage pretty much knew that I wasn't happy with this, but only they also had their respect on account in society and their daughter really liked me and wanted to marry only with me, they never gave second thought on me.
When I returned from India 20 days back, I was happy and smiley so as my girlfriend even we knew things have become complicated after my marriage, but she promised she would wait for me at least a month for me to take any action about our future, we were on verge of marrying each other and in deep love and were left nothing accept shock and broken dreams. suddenly, she started behaving in weird manner and said she wont be able to carry on what promises she made last time we meet and wants to go way, I suspect she must be passing through equally family pressure, but at the same time she is very sad today as she easily knows that her happiness lies only with me.
My parents before my marriage were used to call my girlfriend and her parents and abused them many times, post marriage they are still doing the same thing even though they got what they wanted. what kind of character and behavior they show towards their son's feelings that hurts me, their this kind of behavior is also one of the reason, my girlfriend was very scared and wanted to walk away as my parents would never accept her, but then today I am also left with no family relations anymore after scarifying everything.
I totally agree, I might sound stupid or talking illogical things but then everyone showed their selfishness in this marriage including my wife, I am hopeless, helpless and speechless today as I believe I am the biggest looser ever made on this world in my early 30s.
All you have done wrong is allowed other people to make decisions for you. I know you want to obey your parents but you are an ADULT. You are not an extension of your parents, but another whole human being!!!!!!!! RIGHT?!!?
They cause you misery and pain. Start taking action to divorce or get an annulment. They CANT stop you. Tell them you are going to live a separate life from now on and that they are not only no longer in charge of it, but not even a part of it, UNLESS they can support your choices instead of destroying them.
On the other hand, your girlfriend may have given up because of your parents verbal abuse and threats. Take the parents out of the equation, and that should stop. It looks like you have simply not put your foot down with them.
This is about choosing between your parents or her. Which one is it going to be?
Well thank you once again for your response, I don't know how much you know about Indian culture but normally Sons are suppose to take care of their parents once they get older, my parents expect the same from me and I do respect everything but the way they have treated me or I would say treating me even post marriage by not taking care about me and still showing their ego and self respect priority, that hurts me a lot.
My girlfriend is also now experiencing same pressure from her family which i faced from mine, she still thinks about me and will get back to her happiness once we will be again together but then my parents keep abusing her and her family even after my marriage only because now I don't talk to my parents more and that hurts them, they feel my girlfriend is the main cause for difference between me and my family, on top of that my current wife also came to know everything about my past and was upset with that, and that is why they keep abusing my ex-girlfriend. My girlfriend believes my parents are never going to except her and they will always be part of my life, she will never be in position to face my parents and my girlfriend's family also doesn't support her anymore for me. I don't know how do I get back her from this situation. I do have couple of close friends who are ready to stand by me, but my ex-girlfriend must agree first if she still loves me.
I am in Canada right now, living alone and working as an Accountant, i have very rare busy friends here but my life has become like a hell and totally ruined, I started taking alcohol much more to get stress relieve as I don't have anyone with me, all I am left with just selfish relations but my dreams, my smile and my happiness have gone like anything. Alcohol is not my permanent solution and I am finding it very hard to forget my ex-girlfriend only because I lost her due to my parents, I am finding it hard to except my current wife and love her,the way my parents brought her in my life and all I want is my ex-girlfriend back in my life but question is HOW ?
DK84: I really feel for you. But I hope that you can see you are asking the same question and there is only one answer. You either accept the culture you were raised up in (meaning you accept and desire to follow your parents rules) OR you decide not to let that culture be your own any longer. Just because you decide to marry whoever YOU want that makes YOU happy, doesn't mean you cant still take care of your family when they are older. If they disown you because of it, then that is on them.
I may not understand your culture, but this is YOUR life!!!
As for the drinking, it is NOT going to help you!!! Trust me! I have seen one too many a person drink their sorrows away and only bad things happen from it.