Am i doing the right thing ignoring his messages? I am feeling very hurt
A couple of months ago my husband and i separated. During this time i had met another guy that i started to have feelings for. The timing wasn't the best, but i really liked him and we continued to talk. He sent many mixed messages that had me confused, especially in my current state with feeling lots of emotions from the separation. I was so very relieved when my husband and i split as i had been unhappy for so long, but moving out and everything was still not easy.
We continued to talk for a while, and this guy seemed very interested in me. I started to feel like he could offer me everything i had lacked with my husband for so long. After a few dates, he started acting very distant and told me he had no interest in a relationship and just wanted to be friends. He said he found me attractive, wouldn’t mind being physical, enjoyed my company, and really liked me as a friend and wanted to continue our friendship. Another thing that confused me after saying all this is he would get jealous of other guy friends i had which i never really understood. After thinking that this guy was just after a fwb and confiding in a male friend of mine about this guy and how i felt confused of his behavior if he only wanted to be friends (flirting still, complimenting me, getting jealous over other guys), he told me the only real way i would know if he had any feelings about me and was for some strange reason lying to himself (although doubtful), or wanting to know if he really was just using friendship with me as a way to sleep with me, the best thing would be distance myself to see what his real feelings were.
On Monday he sent me some messages through Facebook messenger (this is how we usually communicate), and i read them but never responded. This was in the morning (i would say around 11am). It got to about midnight and i just happened to update my status, and he just messaged me going into one. He said i was being rude and clearly was ignoring him and he said i was being a d*** to him. He then said this means we are done so goodbye, and with that he defriended me. I couldn’t actually believe he got that mad about me not replying to him, especially as he has gone a whole weekend before not saying anything. I sent him a message saying “are you actually serious?” and he came back just saying he was just over my randomness.
Being the idiot i am i continued to talk to him through messenger and told him i was sorry that he felt i was purposely ignoring him. I told him i was just sick of him telling me he didn’t want a romantic relationship with me, but he constantly complimented me on how perfect i was as a girl, flirting with me, even at one point listing all the things he loved about me. I just thought to myself friends need to set some boundaries, and doing all those things is not right. I said to him “would you be interested in fwb?” to which he replied “hell yeah.”
With that i just decided that is all he wanted after insisting it wasn’t for so long, and constantly playing games and with my emotions for months and i couldn’t be bothered with at all anymore, so i blocked him. I was pretty surprised he just admitted it like that. Maybe he thought i was asking as that is what i wanted. My guy friend told me he guaranteed because i just blocked him without an explanation he would contact me some other way to ask what happened, and he sort of did. He text me saying “Oh you blocked me, and you tricked me into saying i wanted a fwb to confirm to yourself i wasn’t a very nice person, i didn’t know you were capable of being so deceitful.” I ignored it and never replied. My guy friend told me he thought that he was basically just telling me i tricked myself into believing that was what he wanted but it wasn’t, and that i probably wouldn’t hear from him ever again. 4 hours later, i got a text message that said “babe.” I ignored that too and then there was a day of silence. I was convinced he had given up only to get a message Thursday morning that said “are you still not talking to me?”
Do you think i am doing the right thing not responding to these messages? This guy played with my emotions which isn’t really what friends do to friends. He told me he had no desire for a romantic relationship with me because he didn’t think we were each others types. We know he wouldn’t have minded sleeping with me, but i basically figured out his intentions and blocked him basically revealing to him that i would never do that and didn’t want to talk. I really did fall hard for this guy. I am not sure if it was because he was the first guy that i liked after my marriage failed, but i do not know why continued to reach out. It is so hard not to respond back either. I am wondering if the last text was confirmation to himself that i was really gone and he won't try again? I just feel totally gutted. I thought this guy could have possibly been the one for me after my bad marriage, only for it to end badly too.
Girl he is TROUBLE! You are handling this perfectly. You don't need advice! But I do feel I was put here to answer your question. I am your living expert on this. Everything you described, mimics an experience I had a few years ago.
When I was faced with this exact same dilemma and at the very point you are at with him (although I was not going through a divorce), I stupidly made the decision to continue talking to him NOT because I was okay with being FWB, but because I believed in my heart that his feelings for me would reveal themselves, and that he would commit to me. This went on way too long...for a year, him keeping me close enough to believe he loved me but far enough away to believe he didn't. He'd contradict his words with his actions and vice versa. It was exhausting for me to sort through the confusion. Every time I pulled away, he'd pull me back in, yet STILL claim he didn't want to be with me. If we went out and a guy hit on me, he'd freak. Whenever we were together, he'd treat me like a princess. Whenever we were apart, he'd cut off all communication. He wouldn't respond to my texts for days at a time. If I asked him to respond after waiting and waiting, he'd say we weren't a couple and don't need to talk. Then a few days later, he'd ask when he could see me again. Then when we would see each other again, he'd act territorial of me, show public displays of affection, even tell me he loves me and that nobody else could ever replace who I am to him, listen to me vent about work or drama going on, and he would act proud of me to his friends. All the while, I was trying to get him to acknowledge his love for me but he just would not do it. I finally told him that if he could not be the man I deserved, that I was leaving him. His response was that you cant leave someone you aren't with. So I stopped seeing him and cut off communication. He knew I was serious so he didn't come after me. Then I met my now fiancé. He saw the news of it on FB and sent me all these private messages about how I am the only one he has ever loved, he was sorry he never committed, he would give anything to do it over again, how much he's missed me, and begged me to not date this new guy and that everything will be different. By then it was too late. I was smitten with a man who wasn't like him, who was so much better than he could ever dream of being. And even if I wasn't, I doubt he would have ever committed to me anyway. Those types of men usually have deep rooted causes for their inability to commit and would need a lot of mental therapy to get through it.
You are on the right path...stay strong!
I really appreciate you sharing your story. Certainly does sound the same type of guy. Is it the same guy even? Lol. Do you think it is safe to say he has given up trying with me? I know you can't predict, but it will be 3 days tomorrow since the last text he sent. I was hoping have seen me as a lost cause at this point
He probably will contact you again, even if its another two weeks before he does. These guys have major self control, hence the reason they are able to NOT commit. It actually takes a lot of strength to not commit when you love someone.
Its fear. And that's another whole topic but I am curious to know if he has any issues bottled up. The guy I dealt with was physically abused by his moms many boyfriends, she'd snort coke in front of him and then when he was 13 after his mother got sober and became attentive and loving toward him, he watched her die from cancer. He was sent to live with a dad he had never met, who had a wife and 5 kids of his own, who all treated him like an intruder and emotionally abused him. So even though he was approaching his 30's when I met him, he was till terribly impacted by his traumatizing childhood. He told me that I am the only one he's ever revealed that to. He didn't trust ANYONE and not even me! When we were together at night, he would want me to hold him and he'd shake in his sleep, but as soon as we awoke the next morning, he was back acting like I was of little importance. If I pressured him, he'd really push me away. I had to learn my limits. My heart hurt for him which is a lot of the reason I stuck around so long. I wanted to love him and help him. But he could not be helped.