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The Torn Lover

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I have been with my guy a little less then a year we dateded in high school and reunited after 8+ years we moved in together 7 months after getting back together. I have a 2 year old and he has completely stepped in to the roll as an amazing step father and a great boyfriend which is where the problem lays he's a little two good he's amazing he's caring he's giving he's nurturing so much to the point where I no longer feel like the female 100% of the time but I've come to deal with it then our schedules changed and he now works 2pm to 11pm while I work 7am to 4pm talk about ships in the night we no longer spend any time together and it put a strain on our relationship. And as if that wasn't enough now I have no one to keep me company after work so his best friend decides to come over hang out and keep me and my son company every day after work and he worked perfectly some days he would come some days he could come and his girlfriend would tag along and we would all hang out and play games and this worked for months it was innocent fun we enjoyed each others company. Then one day an argument between me and my boyfriend happened in front of his best friend and he saw me crying in the kitchen and gave me a hug.. The over time that hug turned to a kiss that kiss turned to sex sex turned to addiction and finally addiction turned to love so here we are months later and we're both madly in love with each other while both still being in other relationship he has his girlfriend while also having me I have my boyfriend while also sharing my bed with his best friend... Now why don't we just leave our significant others and be with each other... There lays the problem I'm madly in love with one and yet we would be a financially unstable couple and the one I am currently financially stable with I can't stand the sight of the though of him touching me makes my skin crawl and yet he helps keep a roof over me and my sons yet but my heart lays with his best friend.... What do I do? (Beside write a book lol)

The Torn Lover

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Dating in high school isn't comparable to dating as fully-grown adults, so 7 months run-up to moving in together is a little too brief a test-drive, really. (He was all over you like a rash to point of authentic convincement, I take it?)

I'd say either your fella thinks the way to your heart in a forever after sense is via that little apple of your eye OR he had a secondary, possibly primary, agenda when you two hooked back up, that agenda called, 'Me wanna be a dadda'.

However, how much of how you were feeling was down to him? Could it in however much part have been down to you having flown solo for so long thus finding it difficult to adjust to being one of two parents? I ask that because I think you'd find, what with having a boy, you'd be IN this position even were this man your kiddie's natural father, possibly more so. Despite 2 is early to be fixating onto the male for role-modelling purposes, it's certainly not unheard of at that age, PARTICULARLY if the little boy had priorly been denied any close-up-and-personal male influence.

...and now, here you are, trying to adjust BACK after having got used to that extreme. From Extreme A to Extreme B to Extreme C...I'm not surprised your head's all a whirl.

But that boyfriend ACCEPTED this job as would logically mean ships in the night is a huge Scooby Clue. So my conclusion is that my first instinct, that he in part saw son as the permanent route (part 1) to your heart, was correct. Thus, having secured it, he then felt he could ease off a bit (a lot) via taking this job, meaning, he's switched routes. But, perversely, that's GOOD because it translates to, Co-Parent Avenue leads to Provider Avenue. It's a healthy transgression (albeit characteristically extreme of him). It's how men serious about their relationship in a 'til-death way, behave, despite they commonly go overboard with these things.

This, I suspect, is a male-female attitude divide issue. He probably sees it that he's such a good provider he'd even suffer to do so, and ASSUMES (men are very good at that) your priorities and expectations are likewise, hence you're being 'made' to suffer alongside and, again, ASSUMED not to be minding about the emotional hardship meanwhile.

His 'best friend' is no such thing, he's a CREEP! Think about this guy's movements: the minute he sees a gap, WhOOSH!, he's in there, trying to steal his (cough!) best friend's woman! ...all without any invitation! ...and then waiting in the long grass yet again for his first chance to get further in there... AND 'in front of' his own supposed girlfriend! Ugh, yuck, PUKE! Recognise what a low-down type he is!

Wait! You're 'in love with him'? Oh, missus, PUH-LEASE! What do you want - drama-on-legs (and book material) or a good heart?

He cheated on his obviously long-term girlfriend. What makes YOU so immune, come the day?

You're not thinking straight AT ALL, are you.

Why didn't you just TALK to your 'husband' and just TELL him how neglected and bereft you felt? Or did you? My vote is, you did not. Or didn't try hard enough.

Don't kid yourself you're in love, though, whether you use finances or the ruddy vegetable patch as your excuse of a blockade. Two people who find themselves genuinely in love do NOT keep one fist tightly wrapped around the scruff of their 'previous' lovers - nope, no way, no how! They 'just wanna be tergevah' (to quote that old British Telecom ad). And I'm talking, together EXCLUSIVELY.

You're just lonely and emotional-needs-deprived. And the flesh crawling bit is called banked-up resentment, berbom! That's easily dealt with, despite might take a bit of time, WITHOUT devastating three-no, FOUR lives in the process.

So what's it going to be? Talk to boyfriend so that he realises his brilliant provider solution is backfiring and finds a job with more sociable hours or devastate your little boy first and your boyfriend and Mr Creep's girlfriend second and third? Oh, and you fourth...FOREVER AMEN (- Don't know what you've got 'til it's gone.)

I suggest you and 'husband' hop, skip and jump tout suite to a couples counsellor in order to unblock that banked-up crap and thereby feel the love that (you can bet your arse) is still there, INCLUDING the lust.

This thread has expired - why not start your own?