Am I wrong to have anger toward my grandmother?
Grandma has been rotating staying with different family members to look out for her. She can stay alone sometimes, but not all the time...so she comes to live with different family members so that we can all take turns taking care of her. Her own children cant deal with her for too long, before yelling at her and getting in big arguments.
Now grandma is a good person deep down, and tried to live her life in a Christian way, but if you know her, then you also know that she will put excessive talking, food and money before all other things. She is 85, and remembers the Great Depression (although her family was not impacted and actually helped others). She is your typical Baptist hypocrite.
While she still has her right mind, She is and has always been COMPLETLEY OBLIVIOUS to EVERYTHING. Let me enlighten you. She didn't get past the eighth grade growing up because she didn't care about school and loved working on her parents farm for money instead. Back then, parents weren't forced to make their children attend school. Also, she missed a lot of school because her parents didn't make her attend whenever it rained. She failed her grade 4 times and was 16 when she finally quit eighth grade. She has never owned a television or radio. When our TV is on in our house, she just seems intimidated by it and ignores it. Same thing for the radio being on in the car. She has never listened to any music other than church hymns. She has never explored any technology except for health devices such as her glucose monitor or blood pressure monitor. She barely knows how to use those either. I think the best way for me to say it is just to say it. She has chosen to be stupid, without realizing that is what she is. I know I sound rude and mean, but I say that sincerely and not to pick on her. She cant help it at this point in her life.
Going 85 years not reading ANY news, books, magazines, not watching tv, not listening to a radio, nothing....has made her the equivalent to a cave man who just came out in society for the first time in 2015. And the reason she never tried to absorb new information all these years is because of her extreme love of money and not spending it. She will not spend it on anything! At the age of 85, she has a net worth of 2.3 million dollars. And I do admire that. She saved every penny and then had my dad invest money in the stock market for her (my parents idea, not hers) and the money she saved quadrupled...and has ever since. She still has not spent any of it unless it was absolutely necessary, and even then, she went through great lengths to find the cheapest of the cheap in what she needed.
Let's talk about the necessities she has to have:
1-CLOTHES - all of her clothes were purchased from yard sales decades ago and consist primarily of t-shirts, elastic waist high-water pants, and old cardigans with missing buttons. Since then, they have all become worn, are stained, and have may holes. She will NOT upgrade no matter how much we beg. It is embarrassing to be seen with her sometimes as she not only has holes and stains, she also has no sense of color matching. She wears one pair of thick stockings that have every color of thread in them from patched up holes over the years. She refuses to buy new ones.
2-FOOD - As rich as she is, she will try to get family members to take her to the local food pantry to get free food. We will not do it, so she will call around and bum a ride off of neighbors who will fall for it and take her to get the free food. When the food pantry runs out, they close the doors and those standing in line waiting WHO REALY NEED THE FOOD cant get any. She is depriving one more person each time she goes who is severely poor of getting what they need. She will attend every function (even though she cant understand what the function or event is about) that she can in order to eat the free food. She also is subscribed to "Meals on Wheels" and has filled all of her family members deep freezers full of these meals. She doesn't eat them because she would rather eat the food we buy and stock our fridges with, because that is also free to her and therefore she can save the meal trays for "later". She only buys grocery items when they are on a major sale. For ex: she will not buy sweet potatoes until they are 29 cents a pound. Then she will stock up on them and eat them even after they are rotten (which doesn't affect her because her immune system is used to this). She also has people till a giant garden for her each year and makes us family members tend to it so that she can freeze and can all of the vegetables.
3-MEDICINE - She will try to make family members go 25 miles out of the way so that she can save $3 on a prescription at a different pharmacy. We don't do it and she tries to make us feel bad for it. We make her spend an extra $2 to get it locally. She will SKIP taking some of her medication that isn't life threatening just so that she can stretch it out a bit longer and save money. She has excellent insurance and most of her prescriptions are only a couple dollars. She still complains about how much they cost.
4-TOILETRIES AND OTHER NECESSITIES - A bottle of dish detergent lasts her two years. She literally uses only a drop and the water does not become sudsy at all. She will reuses the same sink of dishwater for a week. She will also use a drop of DISH detergent to wash her clothes in the washing machine, but ONLY after she uses a bucket to get old bath water out her tub to fill the washing machine up so that it doesn't use more water than her crazy mind deems necessary. She has slight urinary incontinence where she leaks onto her panties but will not use poise pads because she wont pay the money for them. She'd rather be wet and not tell anyone. She will not buy Tupperware or zip lock bags, but instead wraps food in hand towels or simply doesn't cover the food. She refuses to run the water to wash her hands. She will only use one square of toilet paper so that she can make the roll last longer. It's disgusting. She only changes her clothes one a week and washes off in the mornings with water only. No soap. She will go through our trash and pull out food and put it back in our freezer when we aren't looking. When she cooks, she uses her dirty hands instead of utensils o save on water and detergent. And lets not forget the food she cooks with is old. Like, the eggs expired three months ago but she insists they are still good.
Those are just a very tiny few of the examples and this is partly WHY she has to stay with us now....so that she can be properly cared for. The problem is...and the reason I'm angry with her is because she will not listen and tries to do these things at my house too. No matter how hard I try, she will not let me take care of her. She wants to be in control of how things are done at MY house! She cant go back home because she has too many health problems to be left alone all day and night...and it is way easier to have her at our homes then to constantly check on her at her house, which is a long drive.
Also, she talks excessively since she has no interests in the TV or computer or reading books. It's winter time, so she cant really get out much. The things she talks about are all wrong. She tries to tell me how things are in the world...when remember that she is the equivalent to a caveman...so she has no idea what she is talking about! When I try to help her and teach her, she gets anxiety and yells at me claiming I am wrong and that she is right. I try not to do this unless I have to. Like for example, she wanted to give MY credit card info to a telemarketer because they told her she could get $95 of credit toward purchases at various places for a one time fee if $1.95 for the next 12 months. She doesn't understand what a telemarketer is and believes all people are good and true BECAUSE she has not been exposed to what is really going on in the world, despite us trying to fill her in!!!! I explained why she couldn't have my credit card and how it is a scam but she thinks I am her enemy and accused me of causing her to miss out on a free $95.....she truly beeves I am harming her instead of protecting her.
I know I cant change her, but what can I do to cope with this while she is here with me? And am I wrong for letting this anger me?
Oh and the BIGGIE!!!!! I forgot to say how she is still in the mindset of the 30's...and is highly racist against black people. I cannot stand to hear the way she talks. We get into arguments bout this A LOT!!!!! She also does not like people who have children before marriage. She considers the children of unmarried couples to not be as important as children of married couples. She is set in her ways and talks excessively about these things....It is sooooo hard not to yell at her for thinking this way! Ugh....what to do!!!!
Please understand that I am 14, but I feel that this problem pulls at my heart. I live with my grandparents, and even though they are 30 years younger than your grandmother, they are a little rough around the edges. They watch little TV, and listen to the radio a little. This is all to do with how they were raised. My grandmother wears things sometimes that I giggle about, but I look at it as a part of her story. Yes your grandma's clothes may be all bought second hand, but maybe she has a memory tied to them. My grandfather has a tie that he has had since 1979. It carries a memory for him, so even though it has stains, and loose threads, and at times he wears it to annoy my grandmother, she never makes him toss it out. Maybe your grandmother's "Stupidity" is more anxiety from long ago, and massive intimidation. I am not saying you are wrong for your concerns, but look at all she has seen. There is no way that she can't acknowledge the different things that have become normal for us in this era. She goes to any doctor or pharmacy and there is technology everywhere. Your grandmother grew up in a time where anxiety, depression, and other disorders that are common place now were treated by being sent to a sanitarium like Waverly Hills (Look that up, it will gross you out). Maybe her fear of being sent away is what made her shun the outside world. Her hygiene is also an anxiety. I do have anxiety and sometimes (very very rarely) I wonder why I even take showers. I would look up maybe Social Services and ask them about having someone "talk" to her and in reality they may be able to evaluate her for dimensia. My grandfather told me about his mother in her later years, and it's like deja vu reading this today. I hope I have helped some. <3TiredTulip
I appreciate all advice and it is very sweet of you to offer your input. Thank you!
I am 30 years old. My grandmother knows technology is everywhere and it is clear that she is intimidated by it, and that isn't what bothers me. It is just that she will not do anything with her time other than talk talk talk. Because of all of the excessive talking, I know every story in her life, which has all been repeated 100 times!! I enjoyed the stories the first couple of times, but after that, I got tired of hearing it.
I don't really care about her clothes either, just painting the picture for my readers. And btw, no material thing has ever had a fond memory attached to it for her. She herself will be quick to tell you "I paid 20 cents for this here cotton shirt back in 1990 at that yardsale on hwy 32 where those people live that sell watermelons and it has been a real good shirt...I aint gone throw this here shirt away cause I can get right much use out of it ...since I paid 20 cents for it". Also, she has admitted to my mother that the poorer she appears, the more she can get for free from those who feel sorry for her. And THIS is what angers us!
And btw, I buy second hand clothes all the time, but once there are holes and/or stains, they have to go. We have never made her throw anything away, we just simply mention to her that she might have something better to wear and she insists on going as she is. So we let her.
When I refer to her as "stupid", I really don't mean it in a mean way, just a truthful way. I personally think that if she had paid more attention to her surroundings all these years, she would have more common sense. Instead, she acts as though she knows everything, but we are always having to inconvenience ourselves to get her out of trouble she has created by not listening to us in the first place.
For ex: She wanted to rent out a room in her home to a man who called and inquired about a place to stay. We all told her that she is in no shape to be a landlord and that it would become our problem, but she insisted there wouldn't be any problems. So we met with the guy and right away, we could tell that he had some major issues. He spoke and acted as though he were on some sort of drugs. Well, her sheltered-all-of-her-life-self can't read into things like this. She has never made it a point to be observant. She is unable to see when someone is clearly a no good bum. She is extremely oblivious! We told her not to rent to him because there would be trouble. She went behind our backs and rented to him anyway. Next thing you know, the police are at her house conducting a drug bust of this individual. He had been selling drugs out of her home! All right in front of her! She saw all of these people coming and going in her house and it did not give occur to her that something was wrong! She thought he just had a bunch of friends! All of these drug dealers were in her home, walking by her as she sat on her sofa for months! Her own stupidity is endangering her! That is ONE of THOUSANDS of examples!