He says he is scared to commit to me
I have been seeing a guy on and off for a just over 8 months we have a great connection and a great sex life. However he blows hot and cold
all the time one minute he talks about the connection between us and how he thinks we will be same when we are 50 snd the next minute its
hard to get a convo out of him and we cant have a proper conversation
He was in a previous relationship for 14 years and from what I understand the relationship was not a good one it involved violence with her hitting
him and she also cheated in him and fell pregnant with another mans child while she was still with him. The relationship ended 2 years ago and he
hasnt had a serious relationship since. Because if these circumstances I agreed to have a friends with benefits type relationship with him as long as it
was exclusive and he agreed to this and we both agreed it was with a view to having a full relationship when he felt ready. Every thing was going alright
untill I mentioned meeting his children because he wanted to.meet mine I then discovered that he did not want me to.meet his.kids for fear of his ex girlfriendfinding out about us he said she would cause trouble.and make his.life hell and that he kids wouldnt be happy about him having a girlfiend either
I explained that I did not find this acceptable and if he wabted to be part of.my life then he needed to make me part of his. to cut a long story short he refused and I ended the relationship as I wasnt happy about being kept a secret from the mist important people in his life.
Since I have ended things I have been miserable and so I contacted him and laid my cards in the table telling him i had fallen in love with him and seeing if there was a way to work through things he wont change his mind about thibd though and would rather lose me...can this behaviour all be down to his acute fear of being hurt again or am I just being a fool and he just isnt that into me? plus when i told him i had fallen
Hello Raybans. Firstly, it looks to me like the 'blowing hot and cold' aspect you talked about regarding your boyfriend has most likely been caused by his previous relationship, which considering the fact it was such a long-term relationship (14 years), still may be affecting him months later. Without knowing the details, if what you said is true regarding the involvement of violence (on his ex's part), he may still be finding it difficult to commit to, and fully trust a partner in a relationship following a breakup of that nature. This could also be a reason for why he may appear distant at times, not wanting to 'open up' and discuss his feelings or details about his life which he may feel are sensitive topics which he feels uncomfortable with sharing initially. My only advice regarding this (providing you are getting back together) would be just to be as open as you possibly can with him, explain to him that you are there to support him and continue to build on your trust in each other and I think he will begin to feel more open and comfortable with you which would make him more likely to share more sensitive issues with you about his past, his family and kids etc. Especially following a difficult long-term relationship, these things can take time. His previous relationship may have affected him more than he lets on so it's important if you are serious about getting back with him, to be reassuring that you will be there for him. My only 'warning sign' if you like would be if he continues to deflect questions about his past and his kids etc further down the line would raise questions about whether there were reasons for him being secretive, and if you have fully opened up to him, you can challenge the fact that you have shared so much with him and still don't know much about him. If he still fails to open up to you then I would be more worried. However, initially I would be inclined to be supportive and open to him, tell him in detail how you're feeling, and if you continue to share you're feelings with him, he is more likely to feel comfortable with and open towards you. If this type of approach didn't work then that is something that would have to be tackled further down the line, but for now, in my opinion that would be the way to approach. I apologise for the essay response but hope I have been able to help in some way. If you have any other questions or just want to talk. There are many people on here (including me) that will listen and are willing to help. Take care
You said: "I agreed to have a friends with benefits type relationship with him as long as it
was exclusive and he agreed to this and we both agreed it was with a view to having a full relationship when he felt ready."
Eight months is not a long time to develop a relationship, especially when it starts out like this one did, kinda backwards.
Act tit for tat with him. Meet his kids only if he meets yours.
He has a lot of baggage. If he is worth all this tugging him along, then it will take time.
What a great scam! Cor, I haven't seen THIS one before! [rolls eyes].
There you are, newly divorced thus liberation-crazy as well as sick to the back teeth of marriage and all it stands for... You've still got physical needs, however, and, possibly, a need for company whenever it suits you, like, whenever you want to go out but don't want to go alone or sit alone on a Sat night in front of the telly. So what do you do?
Have you ever gone into a corner shop and said to the owner, 'Listen, I want that family-sized bar of chocolate costing £2.50 but I've only got 20p on me (because I was mugged once so now I'm too scared to carry much cash on me, plus if the ex-missus found out I was eating chocolate she'd go mental), so.. How's about you let me take it now and then come back later today or tomorrow or next week - well, I can't say when BUT SOON, PROMISE! - with the rest of the cash?'?
What would the shop-owner say, do you think?
Or what would you call that shop-owner if he replied, 'Sure! I trust ya!'?
And what would you say to that owner if 8 months later he were complaining to you that the guy never DID come back with the rest of the money, although he still held out hope until, when he bumped into him in the street and demanded he cough up, the bloke turned on his heel and ran in the opposite direction, wailing, 'Poooor meeee!'?
A man who is into you doesn't choose to lose you if there's no actual gun pointed at his head. This guy may THINK there's a gun pointed at his head (e.g. the ex-missus could make custody difficult or impossible). But he knew what he was doing as far as you were concerned, RIGHT FROM THE WORD GO!
You know it, I know it, he knows it, the natives of Outer Borneo know it...
Go get yourself a WHOLE man with whom to have a WHOLE relationship, and never again give your choccie bar away practically for free or you're communicating that it and you are worth very little, whereupon you get treated accordingly.
No work? NO PERK! If a man is 'oo-er, too scared, mew-mew' to do the work, he can damn well wait until he isn't!
I know I know already I think I just needed to hear what I was thinking from a complete stranger as I felt I was being harsh ending things with this guy when he has already been through so.much. however the strife of his life was not brought about by my actions so I dont feel that I should be responsible for the fact he is broken by his exs actions and the fact that he spends every weekend with his ex and his children makes all he has said about her suspect anyway!!! Ive decided to cut ties and move on so I am open to.finding someone who actually wants to be with me and isnt afraid to show it. Thanks for all the advice its helped me to make the decision I know is right for me xxx
more advice needed please. he has contacted me and says he accepts my decision not to be romantically involved with him as he cant meet my needs at this monent in time but has said that he cares about me and wants to remain friends I said I need to.think abouy it as im not sure its such a good idea considering yhe circumstances? what do u all think?x
Well, I know you knew already, it was obvious. Ain't nothing wrong with YOUR perceptions.
If I told you what I and my now-husband had been through in the run-up to meeting, it'd make your hair curl!
Listen, I can't give you further advice right now because I'm up against it back at the ranch, but I'll be back tomorrow latest if not sooner if you can hang on? And that's very convenient because you should NEVER leap onto any re-contact attempt, especially not one like that.
thanks Im happy to wait for your response I like your no nonsense approach its very like my own to other people. however when its concerns oneself it turns into.a minefield of emotion and taking my own advice becomes a different ball game entirely im.not at all dumb but when it comes to affairs of the heart it becomes out of my capacity to listen to.my own voice of reason hence me joining this site its a breath of fresh air receiving advice for me as im.the one using at the opposite end giving it to others
Yes, it's supremely difficult to stay objective when the issue is your own to decipher. For one thing, it means too much to you to dare conclude wrong, and  you're overwrought which reduces one to being a lil' bit thick to begin with, anyway, meaning you end up in the ambivalence trap, endlessly going 'He loves me (and is just in bad shape and should be made allowance for), he loves me not (and is just a giant user)'. Plus, you never can be quite sure your friends are giving you advice because it's true or because they're sick of hearing you go on about your love-life and/or sick of feeling helpless so just want to shut you up. And never is the latter more true if under normal circumstances you're the rock to their leaners, meaning they're not USED to being the ones that are there for other people in that way. However, if that's the case then that's your giant cue to find yourself some friends that are equally as rock-ish as you. Because life gets harder as you age, not easier.
Seeing your own woods for the trees *can* be done but it does take a lot of practise as well as the patience to wait until (and, more importantly, *recognising*) those moments when you're not in the midst of a giant grief wave. With that rarely the case, grieving is horrible, terrible, ALL the 'ibles', and if that's not incentive enough to do all that's in your power to pick RIGHT next time, so that at least you don't have a shred of self-reproach in the mix, I don't know what is!
You don't have much reason to kick yourself. Most likely, all *you* did wrong was believe his intentions-based indications and implications - those things that SOUNDED like promises but when retro-analysed more closely, weren't - that Team You & He had future-promotion prospects. I mean, what kind of idiot believes falling in love is a dial that he can turn up or down at will, anyway? It's all ollocks. ...Speaking of which:
"Friends". Heard that one a thousand times as well. It translates to this: I think at some point your no-found conviction and resolve will crack, and I want to be RIGHT there the minute it does so that I can resume getting my perks without work.
Friends, my arse. Did you advertise for a friend, originally? No, you didn't, you wanted a LOVER. If you'd needed more friends you'd have signed onto a FRIEND-making site!
...again, speaking of which.. There's this great cartoon strip I found on the net that says, 'Your ex asking to stay friends after breaking up is like kidnappers asking to "keep in touch" after they let you go'.
Isn't that a BEAUT?! And here's another fave of mine: 'Some people are like Slinkies...they're really good for nothing. But they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down the stairs.' [evil cackle]
The plain and simple truth of the matter is he wanted a BIT of a relationship to suit the fact he was still attached to his ex-wife and that whole set-up...met you... KNEW you wanted more than he was offering but, instead of letting you move onto the next candidate like a gentleman, thought he could keep you fobbed off for long enough to get his free jollies and hollies for as long as you didn't dare rock the already-precarious boat.
Tell him you'd LOVE to be friends, but only as long as he knows that that usually entails you borrowing his car whenever you feel like it (without readjusting the seat and rear-view mirror back to how it was), him paying for ALL the entertainment, like meals out, etc., him shouting you a holiday abroad every year, spending money included, having a joint credit card but one under his name, onus of paying-off-wise, and sex with the lights off that lasts no more than 5 minutes tops. No, wait - that's a mistress, isn't it. LOL
Nah. Tell him to go find himself a Grade A idiot who *doesn't* know what a relationship should look and feel like.
The honeymoon period is supposed to be the cream of times. If it isn't, it is NOT going to magically get better from there. So if during it they're not acting and treating you like they think you're a 24-carat goddess amongst women whom they literally cannot get to spend time with ENOUGH, that's when you should grit your teeth and pull the plug, yelling, 'Neeext!'. Life's too short to be treated like a pleasing convenience. *Everybody* deserves to be someone's dream come true and treated accordingly...well, everybody who isn't downright antisocial, certainly.. and the guy who'll view you like you literally are all that, is out there. Guy-zuh, actually. So hold out for the best of the best. If you know how to treat a MAN like he's the best of the best then you automatically deserve and can get that. That's all it takes to qualify you.
Right Person, Right Place, Right TIME.
You'll get over this idiot in no time. It's always a lot easier and faster when he basically treated you like a no-mark. Plus he was excellent practise for knowing, without giving it all that much thought, how to ensure your next fella doesn't ever try to get away with being lazy and half-hearted, not even for a second! So it's all good. Just doesn't feel like it at the time, that's all.
Onwards and upwards to the automatic upgrade!
Meantime, with over-entitled ugger number three-zillion-and-two there - ignore, ignore, ignore. If that makes him step up and pull out all the stops, so be it, all well and good. Doubtful, though. Because if he didn't know what he had until it was gone, that just shows he didn't deserve it in the first place. Takes BEING special to recognise special and then automatically valuing and treating it accordingly. Innit.
excellent advice thanks soulmate
and im going to adhere to it I know im worth so much more. but I do fall unto the flitting from one set of emotions to the other I think u called it the ambivalence trap lol and at the moment I think he is an utter jerk off . I conveyed this to him while we were together but somehow he always managed to turn it around and make me feel like I was abusive fssing my for expressing my exapperation with the situation.
I am really wanting to tell him the game is up and I will no longer be fooled and that karma is a bitch and all that jazz but I know it is a fruitless exercise born out of pure frustration and the desire not to look an idiot for falling for his bollocks hahaha I think.my silence speaks volumes. but its ohh so tempting
All in all im going to put this down to hideous experience and lick my wounds and move on thanks again for the sterling advice I can refer back to it in moments of weakness when I want to.contact him for dubious reasons that are not morally acceptable to me under any other circumstances and im simply being a weak sap haha
You are not a fool. You made a wise and difficult choice by telling him the terms he had to offer don't meet your wants and needs, and then breaking up with him. I believe it was also wise to later have an open conversation with him about what your needs are in the relationship and what he is willing to give. You seem stable and mentally healthy; he does not. Just because you love someone does not mean it is healthy to be with them. You seem like a great person that any man would be lucky to have, so go out there and find someone who can appreciate that.
Thankyou Gwendo for your kind comments and thanks to all the advice im.starting to realise I am no fool.and start listening to my inner voice again
I used to have alot more strength in my convictions in my noral convictions but lately I have had some tough experiences that have caused ne to waver and character assasinate myself so this guy and his mentality has penetrated my psyche more than I would usually allow that coupled with the fact that I have a very caring nature have been my downfall here.
Also I am 36 years old and feel like clock is ticking in terms of finding the one so to speak . everyine bangs on that when the time is right ill find him but ive been ripe for the picking for years haha my desperatiaton had led me to settle when I know things arent right and also I get lonely and make the same age old mistakes that lead me to this situation time and again!!! however im strong and I have faith and am.happy for the most part being single so I will survive.....Gloria Gaynor says so god damn it so I will haha xx
Regarding you having explained to him basically how to be a good boyfriend, that's obviously where I differ from you and Gwendo. I'd no sooner do that than give the man instructions on how to tie his own shoelaces. They DO KNOW, you know, they don't need it spelled out for them. Especially as it's never about ignorance to begin with, no matter that playing dumb or playing the 'poor wickle me' card works with most soft-hearted women to get him however much off the hook. It's about trying it on, pushing their luck, to see what, if anything, they can get away with, now and into the future, when it comes to getting a relationship moreover on THEIR terms where they feel safest. Non-brave types like him, I mean.
Also, regarding your bio clock. Trust me on this because I've seen it enough times to suspect it's a bona fide case of mind over matter (matter being the body's abilities despite on-paper age): there is nothing like finally finding yourself in *genuine* love with Mr Right to get what you thought were your tired and supposedly elderly ovaries all over-excited and ratcheting back up a few gears. Plus, the fact you haven't FOUND your ultimate soulmate yet (despite you're obviously approaching that stage, now) indicates you're a late developer, romantically-emotionally, which tends to get reflected in your fertility. So it could quite well be the case that you've more sprogging years in you than you've been led to believe or expect.
When people say 'when the time is right', that just translates to, when you've really had it up to "here" with immature idiots and are ready to get real and do a relationship properly and fully like Nature intended. It's ready, willing and able meets ready, willing and able, fancying one another like uggery, having had the same sort of conditioning growing up, sharing the same sorts of ideas, aims and long-term goals, and VOILA!
No need to panic, is what I'm saying. Nor certainly to let those pressures influence your otherwise sensible choices.