Am I in the wrong? Can I trust?
Hi iam a 28 year old man and have been in a relationship for 11 years with my partner. Our relationship has been a normal one until of late. Within the first 6 months of our relationship my partner went out with friends and met a lad while out and kissed him, cut a long story short she came home and explained all, I forgave her and we moved on. 5-6 months later she went away with friends ( the same 2 that she was out with) and met a group of Irish lads while in magaluf. On her return I said I would go with her when she got her photos developed. The next day she took the cameras while I was out and got them developed. She showed me the photos but the master pic ( one with all the pics in little boxes) was missing. A couple of days later I was under her bed looking for something and came across a few holiday photos I had not seen before. There was a couple with lads in clubs her mates with lads and a Irish lad who was staying next door picking her up carrying her. I also found a photo of the same lad in a shower (naked). She explained one his friends took it off her patio table and must of took it! Again I had to move on she said through all the rows. About a year later she was on a works night out and garbed a black cab with a lad out of her work she was dropping him off on the way home, but decided to get a private taxi from his house as it would make it cheaper for her. While at his house she phoned me crying and explained and as you can images I wasn't happy. A few years later went out again with a work friend and ended up staying at her student accommodation. She said she had drunk a couple of bottles of wine and fell asleep. a couple of years after that she was out with friends and bumped into a old flame. She said they spoke briefly and moved onto the next bar. Now in 2015 she says she spent about half an hour chatting. Why she didn't tell me at the time I don't know. All I have ever wanted in my relationship is honesty. Yet I feel like the whole time we have been together she has wasted my time. I have also found photos on Facebook of her dancing with a good looking lad in town. Two weeks ago I treated her to a night out, when we was out I went the toilet before I went in I turned around to see her reaching for a mans hand while dancing. This has left me very paranoid. More so because she never told me for years about having a chat with her ex. Why keep it a secret for years? Why not tell me? This has left me wondering what else has she kept under her chest for years? My mind has been overdrive for the past week and my partner has left on my request for her to leave. Iam a 28yearold man and very open and strong minded yet am feeling like a broken one right now am I in the wrong to question her all over again about different things? Can I trust her? I love her so much and I know she loves me. We have a7 year old boy yet iam thinking she has grown to love me over the years. I feel like iam going mad she says it's just my mind the way it works. This hurts as she has never had any reason to be jealous over me or I have never put her through scenarios like the ones above please give your thoughts thank you.
You knew what it meant that, only 6 months in - HONEYMOON PERIOD!!! - the period in which and beyond which she's  supposed to be fruit-loopy over you whereby  all 'men' as romantic-sexual objects simply cease to exist aside from you, and  she's supposed to be automatically on her very BEST behaviour - there she was, snogging another man under very little provocation of temptation. TOO little. Yet you ignored that ruddy great Red flag.
Why did you?
Mate, you had nothing BUT Red flags that entire, crucial first year (never mind what followed)! And to make matters worse, she couldn't even be bothered to hide the evidence from you! Why were you so hell-bent on ignoring these major, MAJOR concerns and still forging ahead? Can't you see what's happened is nothing but the inevitable?
Oh, you can trust, alright. But that's not the issue, is it. You poo-poo'd trust and its need to be earned, decided it was superfluous to your requirements, and ONLY NOW have allowed yourself to feel 'paranoid'.
(News for you, by the way: it's paranoia only if there is no external stimulus to justify it. Where there is, it's called SUITABLY CHRONICALLY ANXIOUS.)
WHY? Is it a relationship you wanted or a hair shirt come project?
DAMN right she's wasted your time. And you let her.
"Iam a 28yearold man and very [open and] strong minded "
Bloody-minded, more like! What do you think you are - Superman? Not feeling so super now, huh.
Can you trust her. PFF. Yeah, and the Pope is a Hindu. Do you not see the ridiculousness of that question?
Face it, you married a woman with mental issues. Attachment Disorder, probably (which is another name for personality disorder but which alludes to the cause being Nurture-based). That or her whole life she's been allowed to do exactly what she pleases no matter the damage and cost to anyone else and get clean away with it. Hmm.. Clean away with it. Oh, look - she sized YOU up better than you did her, didn't she.
You have two choices: dump the dud (you'll get over her) whilst ensuring to help your kiddie to handle it, or insist she enter serious therapy. However, you'll be waiting quite a while before she comes out clean and fit for a healthy relationship.. and even then there's no guarantee that she'll choose you.
Come on, now, mate, you KNOW what you have to do. So why aren't you doing it? Why do you even need outside opinion?
This was my first proper relationship. I met my girl when I was 17. I didn't know what the honey moon period was! I come from a broken home, my mum and dad split when I was 6-7 years old. ( which is why am thinking am being paranoid). Growing up me an my brother didn't have the nicest clothes or the most money. ( which is why I think she met that guy in the bar one night), but why did she hide them photos? Why didn't she tell me she was with her ex having a chat that night? Why was the guy who was in the shower picking her up in the air? Why did she have to sit on a pool table that night messing round?) her friends have told me bits in the past but are they covering for her? She said she was just showing off in front of friends. That makes me think how many more times has she showed off I feel totally shatted by it all! But then I think what if she is telling the truth? And it is me being over conscious! I don't think it is? She's not all bad I will never forget the day I signed up for college. It was freezing I wanted to make a good impression I wore a smart t-shirt at the time and a pair of jeans. At the time I never had a coat or a nice jacket so I braved it! I met my girl in town before hand for a quick catch up and she must of seen I was cold! She walked me to next and picked a nice cardi to match my clothes then paid a taxi for me to the college. If she's dancing with other men when I go the toilet 11 years into are relationship then what went on at the start or at the middle? One night she received a txt and deleted it straight away, when challenging her she said it was off her friend and months later said she done it because she knew I didn't like her going out with certain friends! She also got pulled up in the street one night by another girl for flirting with another lad but told the girl she was with me that night even tho I can't remember we're I was that night and said it must av been someone else! Everyone likes her if not for looks then personality! I find myself casing her looking on her Facebook to look at past and present photos! I feel like am going over the top! She blamed it on the pot. I'm no pot herb scally but I do have j of a night and even am questioning myself! Leavings easier said than done as we have a 7 year old and a house together but I can't go on like this. just wana find closure.....
You can't claim ignorance just because you'd had no first-hand experience when you had, IF NOT your parents, your older, married relatives, telly, magazines, books, films, ETCETERA to learn vicariously from. What were YOU watching on a Satdee night and using as role modelling? Dallas and Dynasty?! In FACT, you had via your parents a great lesson in what NOT to do and what NOT to sit and accept.
And yet you did. So I can only conclude that you had difficulty getting your head around why your parents acted for so long like they did and decided unwittingly to enter into the exact same or exact same type of relationship. There's now't like living a situation to really become intimate with all the whats, whys and wherefores, is there. The trouble with that cunning little plan, however, is that MEANWHILE you get sucked in. Course you do. How could it possibly be an authentic experiment and lesson if you're not fully emotionally involved like your parents were? So you have to let yourself get sucked in...but then comes the day you need to extricate yourself. "Oops, sh*t, I didn't think about that bit!", you say.
You're not being paranoid, nor were you ever. You were just recognising signs or outcomes that via deconstruction explained the signs you'd picked up on in your family home between your mum and dad, and what they meant. You were simply sucked in, as I say, and without a clue how to extricate yourself without having to pay the price of massive pain, both your own first-hand and by proxy of your poor son (you as a kid).
I expect in her own warped way she loves you, yes. But love is NOT enough in terms of this: the question must always be, BUT *WHAT* LOVES ME? In your case, a woman with mental problems that no amount of love, patience and understanding on your part is going to resolve. If anything it just, as I said, compounds it.
She didn't tell you about being with her ex, etc., etc., because doing so inevitably heralds FIXING her problem. She doesn't WANT to fix it. It's exactly how she likes it... Getting to have [keep] ones cake AND eating it. Best of both worlds for a warped 'un, isn't it, think about it. All the perks of marriage and all the perks of singledom. And for as long as you're sat there basically showing you'll put up with it and much more, what possibly incentive does she have to change her ways?
"She's not all bad I will never forget the day I signed up for college. She walked me to next and picked a nice cardi to match my clothes then paid a taxi for me to the college."
Oh, well, then, that's different. As long as you're WARM as you're being emotionally betrayed to the max, left, right and centre that's okay, then, isn't it. :-p
Come off it! There's FAR more to picking the right job applicant than whether they have the consideration (or contrived machinations-based motivation) to take 30 minutes to an hour (or whatever) out of their day and £x out of their purse AND YOU KNOW IT. What were all the other, NEGATIVE signs? Well, as observed, you had this whopper for (?)starters: ""Within the first 6 months of our relationship my partner went out with friends and met a lad while out and kissed him,". I'm sure that cardigan proved rather useless when it came to acting as compensation for the ruddy great shock THAT betrayal caused, eh.
You just wanted to prove to yourself that you could create and live a relationship comprising the exact same basis and elements as your parents but, where they failed to surmount such difficulties, could do BETTER and come out relatively okay. Well, now you know you CAN'T. You're NOT superior to them (not in that way) and so you're going to have to come to terms with the fact that there AREN'T any alternatives to the one, healthy formula. Certainly not when veering away to THAT degree. Monogramy aka determined and steadfast loyalty, integrity and a healthy conscience, is a MUST or it's Goodbye Vietnam.
Shame you fooled yourself/yourselves that everything was do-able long-term, enough to have brought a kiddie into the melee, but... spilt milk. Now it's about damage-limitation and salvage - for him and for you.
You'll get through it, too many others do for you to claim you're the wrong direction of Special. But first you have to run the gauntlet. The good news, however, is that at the end of it all, following a suitable amount of time out to get used to your new life (you and nipper) until it's ticking as smoothly along as your old one, you'll get given your reward for having done what needed to be done for all concerned, painful and/or vexing and taxing though it felt at the time. And that reward will be your readiness to enter into a relationship for YOURSELF ALONE (and your son), not because she in-motion EXPLAINS things (like your past) or any other impure reason. Just bona fide, full-blown, 'oh-my-god-there-IS-a-god!' love, pure and simple, with a woman you'll consider "you with t*ts"... at which point - because you will (as will she, your counterpart) be be wiser, stronger, cleverer, cannier, SASSIER - it'll be a relationship that not only fills you with new appreciation for life and everything in it, but with PRIDE... in fact, possibly secret sense of superiority.
In other words, this is not unique to you. It's a case of same play (one of a set handful), same sh*t - different location and lead actors. Enough MacBeth, it's time for a production with a HAPPY ending. Trust me, they do exist. I *am* that soldier. And I ain't the only one. But you do have to want a romantic relationship for what they're designed for. Capiche?
And of course it's easier said than done. If you didn't go through the hard work part, how on earth would you qualify for the amazing perk? NOTHING in life worth having ever comes for free. No pain, No gain. Massive pain (although I'm betting it won't be and will more likely fill you with relief once you're out of her crosshairs), Massive gain. You're just going to have to make that leap of faith, or 'trust', considering I'm a vet who's sat here telling you where your path inevitably and inexorably leads.
Your first mission, should you choose to accept it, is to cease listening to any more of her inane drivel and excuses. I know plenty of people who smoke weed yet still have beautiful, life-enhancing relationships. Just stop listening to her full-stop, because you KNOW it's all geared towards keeping you too confused to do the right thing - leave her. Again, who wants to give up having their cake and eating it? She's not stupid, she's just a spoiled, immoral, cold-hearted BABY who struck lucky when she met a sincere'un like you. You wait and see what dross she ends up with as her next partner... that'll put it all into truthful perspective for you!
My ex is basically married to Shrek (in fact, that's unkind to Shrek! :-p), and it was only last year she was caught gearing up to cheat on him! And her faults don't stop there by any stretch.. What goes around, comes around.
As for you, you'll be anywhere between absolutely fine and laughing your face off with your 24-carat gold new partner. Even absolutely fine is preferable to the non-stop, utterly horrid drama this woman has been subjecting to you/you've been allowing her to subject you to, year-in-year-out for the last decade. Face it, you ending up WORSE off is impossible!...and that's the WORST-case scenario.
Take OFF the hair shirt. You don't want to have to keep moaning and scratching yourself raw for another decade, do you. Do you?
Come on - come over to my side, you know you want to. The scenery and weather are ucking lovely!!!
My first reaction to your letter is that your girlfriend is a flirt. It doesn't sound like she had actually had an affair with anyone ... but it does sound like she is doing some extreme flirting. I think you have to ask yourself if her flirting is something you can live with. I have a feeling it is a phase she is going through and that in time she will settle down and become more mature.
So what are your thoughts this week, Pablo?