Partners opposite sex friend
My husband and I are both in our 50's and have been married for 37 years. We have had our share of ups and downs in our relationship over those years but nothing like this recent on-going issue, which seems to have the potential to end it all. I thought we were rock solid but not so apparently.
Last year I was introduced to a young woman by my husband at a mutual friends party. I was surprised to hear that she was a very good friend of my husbands (she said), as I know most of his friends and business associates and she had never been mentioned before.) I have since discovered that she is a cleaner for a number of mutual friends.
A couple of months later her vehicle broke down and my husband apparently offered to fix it for her as she did not have the money to take it to a garage. (She is a solo mother with 2 children aged 7 & 13). The vehicle was at our place for a week while my husband a) bought and paid for the parts and b) fixed the problem in his spare time. I was again surprised and annoyed at this as I have to either wait ages for him to fix anything or take my car to the local garage. But after talking about it with him I thought oh well, fix the wretched thing, get it back to her and she can start repaying the money she owes and that will be the end of it.
Two nights after the vehicle was returned, I got an anonymous text message from a "concerned friend" that the young woman had baked a cake and invited my husband to her place to thank him for what he had done. It also said that they had been texting each other several times a day for months. (I later discovered that my husband, who was supposed to be at a function, had left about an hour before it finished. I couldn't go because HE had agreed for us to babysit our grandchildren for the evening.) I immediately rang him and asked him what the hell he thought he was doing there and he had better get home! I was absolutely furious. He arrived home about ten minutes later and was abject in his apologies - nothing was going on or happening; he only agreed to go to her place because she had taken the trouble to bake a cake to thank him; he loved me blah, blah etc. My responses were unprintable. The upshot of this was that he agreed not to do this again or have further contact with her BUT he couldn't see that he had done anything wrong and that I was just jealous of his perfectly innocent relationship with someone who was younger than me.
I loved and trusted my husband and I was sure that he felt the same about me, so I thought that was the end of the matter. I was hurt and very angry but I got over it. Incidentally I blamed him, not her.
Some months later you can imagine my surprise and anger when I picked up his ringing phone to take to him in another room, and saw a text from her that clearly indicated that nothing had changed i.e. they were texting each other every day and were meeting at other peoples places. Along with that she was calling him "her sweet" and he was calling her "babe", which to my knowledge he has never called anyone before. When I tackled him about the text he went berserk at me for invading his privacy!! and wouldn't discuss the issue with me saying he hasn't done anything wrong and he only agreed not to go to her place, which he say he hasn't done and that I am jealous for no reason.
My trust in him has taken a big hit and I don't know what to do next. I don't want to turn into a snooping, checking, suspicious wife but now I need help. As I said before I love him and he assures me that he loves me. I have tried numerous times to discuss the issue with him but he keeps telling me there is nothing to it. I don't want to end my marriage but I am not settling for someone whose thoughts are elsewhere. Nor am I prepared to let this rest. Am I right or wrong? Any insights you can give me would be greatly appreciated.
not one for http://www.thecoupleconnection.net"
> relationship advice but here it goes: most of us will experience feelings of jealousy in our relationship from time to time.
Some times we can laugh it off – sometimes it may cause us anxiety.
Mild feelings of jealousy can be a good thing - sometimes it might remind us not to take our partner for granted which can be a positive in a relationship. But when it is extreme or becomes obsessive it can ruin your relationship.
Jealous feelings that get out of proportion can put a huge strain on your relationship.
Jealousy often stems from something in your past which has left you with a sense of insecurity. If you are insecure about your relationship and very dependent on your partner then you are likely to be jealous; so it is worth exploring where your feelings of insecurity might come from and talking honestly to your partner about it.
There are as many reasons why people have affairs but usually an affair is a sign of something needing to change.
I did not initially sign up to post a reply but I was very moved by your situation. Please excuse the stern tone because I mean only the best. Your situation sounds very serious to me. Your husband is treating you like a doormat: sneaking around, hiding things from you, and potentially having a physical affair (quite likely given the affectionate names exchanged between them). However, regardless of whether or not he is having physical relations with this woman, he IS having an affair by hiding the fact that he is spending time with someone of the opposite sex. If he, she and you were all friends together that would be another story. He has essentially hidden her from you, and it sounds as if it is completely his decision to do so, evidenced by the fact that she was quite happy to meet you and interact with you. This is a complete breakdown in trust, and it is happening over and over again. Does he think you are stupid or something? What man would think that this is acceptable behaviour?
You need to sit down with him, explain that he has broken your trust in him and the marriage, explain that you don't mind if he has his own life with his own friends, some of whom may be female, but that you cannot accept your husband hiding friendships from you. To the outer world it looks like he is having an affair - so ask him what are you, his wife supposed to infer? I would be very curious to hear his response to that. Remind him that he is supposed to be able to talk to you about anything, and that you wish he had taken the time to talk to you about what was missing in his life with you before he embarked on this route. Tell him you have been disrespected, you know you deserve better and if he wants to keep his marriage together it is time for him to make the effort. If he does not want to, then you have your sad answer. But, please take heart, 37 years is a long time, but the next however many years need to be happy ones for you. I am sure you can find a happier and more fulfilling life. If you will need monetary support in case of a split, please round up friends as potential witnesses and gather all evidence you can (dates and places of events are very important). From the facts you have presented here, I guarantee you will win any court case against this jerk. Above all, don't take any more responsibility for this on yourself than is due. Many people in your situation blame themselves for too much which is utterly destructive and useless. Try to keep a clear, open mind and realize what went wrong. Life is a great big learning experience. I wish you all the best.
I happen to agree with most of what LOST had to say. 37 years is a long time and not easy to let go of. My conclusion, just based on the info you provided, is that he has indeed had an affair. Now, is that something that you can live with? If it ends, can you live with it? If it continues, will you live with it? So, after those questions are answered, you can plan your next moves. Sometimes, we are so comfortable, familiar and feel safe in our lives that if something happens to change that we become fearful. Your life is going to change now, but how that change occurs is entirely up to you. Fear will stop you from making new and fresh changes and will make you live in chaos while the changes just take place around you. So, take control, face your fears, and YOU make the changes. After trust has been damage in a relationship, it's VERY difficult to rebuild. Do you think you could ever trust him again? If the answer is no, than get out. Be done with it. Move on and start creating a new life for yourself. If your answer is yes, than you have a long road ahead to repair and prepare for that. Whatever it is, I hope you'll find happiness.
Thank you very much for your replies. They are much appreciated, because I couldn't seem to think this issue through logically. After some intense soul-searching I decided to confront him and tell him exactly what I thought of him and his behaviour, and that I was leaving.
Hello westwa! I thought I would check in and see how things are going for you. Keep us updated. Hope you are well.