Wife's meeting with male friend from 25 yrs ago
Just got into an argument with my wife and she suggested I see what other people think of the situation. I am early 50's, wife is mid 40 and we have 2 kids. Most of wife's friends in high school were male. She discovered an old friend from high school lives nearby and first suggested a meeting with both familys on a particular day, just after having come back from a trip and being busy, and I suggested another day be better. Then she went ahead, without discussing/consulting with me, to arrange a time to meet with him anyway. I felt that was odd after discovering and then suggested if it was so urgent for her to see him, that I would come as well and she seemed to indicate the rest of his family (wife and kids) would come too, but then at the last minute she said they were not coming. She had previously made comments like I would be bored if i was there without his wife, as they would be catching up. So the meeting ended up with just them and my 2 kids. I had told my wife that I felt it would have been more appropriate to have arranged a family meeting, and I feel hurt she a) made the plans without consulting me and b) after i discovered the plans, was "shot down" when suggesting a postponement when everyone could meet. By way of background, I might have been jaded as I met one of her male friends at her class reunion and thought he was sleazy trying to entice some females to come to his hotel room. My wife is making this an issue of trust and/or saying i have an off-based set of values, while i am just saying it would have been more appropriate to have arranged a meeting with both families---and that i thought it was strange she didnt do that and also ignored how i felt. Please advise. Thank you.
(Response ported from duplicated / now deleted thread by Admin)
I would suggest that you are threatened by her past and her association with those old male friends.
It doesn't sound like she is following up with any of these guys outside of the family, so . . . don't make a big deal out of this until it DOES become a big deal.
Assure her that you trust her and love her and work on spicing up your marriage so she does not yearn for the "old days" or any guy/memories from that time.
For some reason, my response never got logged in, but here is goes again:
You seem threatened by her past and her connection to her male friends from years ago.
Don't make this more than it is. Most spouses are bored at their spouse's class reunions, so assume that this is on the same level. Time will reveal if it's more than just connecting with an old friend.
Your job is to make sure your marriage TODAY is more exciting and attractive than memories from her past.
Okay. I presume your wife has approved the way you've written this, your account? Here we go, then, let's try to make sense of it all. Buckle up, kiddos!
First off...Whether it's 'on' or not depends entirely on your wife's INTENTIONS behind the situation/act. Intention is everything.
1. "Most of wife's friends in high school were male."
So, then...Either [a] she's male brained/a man's woman who relates more easily to men or [b] she lies being the centre of male attention (not necessarily for sexual reasons) or [c] she doesn't particularly like or get on all that well with women, and men are (obviously) the only other option (Hobson's Choice) (joke
). Which / which combination?
2. "She discovered an old friend from high school lives nearby and first suggested a meeting with both familys on a particular day, just after having come back from a trip and being busy, and I suggested another day be better. Then she went ahead, without discussing/consulting with me, to arrange a time to meet with him anyway."
That is not on! Nope-ah! I wouldn't like that ONE BIT if my partner did that to me (and nor would he, me) because it would beg the question, why is this mere secondary friendship worth protecting more than our full-blown, primary relationship? The intention to show it favouritism may not have been there, but that's how it could come across.
However, saying that, if she prefers men as friends to women and, aside from you (although being her husband, you no longer count) has been too long deprived of such (thanks to having married and, in particular, sprogged, when most male friends *do* tend to disappear on a woman) then that would explain the apparent desperation behind the act. Can you see it?
I'm leaning towards the latter, motivation wise. In which case her 'crime' there is thoughtlessness or inconsiderateness through the distraction of want, and/or perhaps feeling like her internal scoreboard says that you 'owe her one' (?).
3. "but then at the last minute she said they were not coming"
Ah. Oh. UM.
Why was this?
4. "She had previously made comments like I would be bored if i was there without his wife, as they would be catching up."
True! But that doesn't answer question 3, does it.
5. "So the meeting ended up with just them and my 2 kids."
Phew! The kids were protection/insurance. A bloke is less likely to try to get unexpectedly flirty if the woman's kids are there. Good/TICK!
- intention was/is NOT romantic/sexual on your wife's part. HOWEVER, she obviously couldn't vouch for HIS intentions, just in case he HAD had anything more than catching up in mind...hence this insurance measure.
I think you can safely trust your wife. But obviously, the same can't be said for this fella. WHY was his wife suddenly not coming? And why was the cancellation at the last minute? Gosh, how strange that his wife would be so okay about HIM going on his own. Curiouser and curiouser, said Alice. So to me, this smacks of sneaky, under-the-table engineering on his part, and I now doubt he even said a thing to his wife.
Yep, I'm with you, HH (I can tell what where you're coming from). I think Mr Man wasn't, truthfully, ever as good an innocent 'friend' to your wife as she was towards him. Fairly typical for a bloke perhaps having problems with his own marriage to try to cash in on a past (cough!) 'friendship' of his (just ask Friends Reunited!). It's often a case of, 'My relationship's going down the pan, let me get my Black book out'. They start working their way through whichever women/options are closest, as in, most quickly accessible - romantic contact or not. But although he might have been capable of leading your wife to water, I think you can take huge reassurance from the fact that he wasn't ever going to be able to make her DRINK. And certainly not with the kidlets constantly present. Which they were. Thanks to the forward-thinking (subconsciously?) by your wife. So no harm done, then.
But I think it's apparent that the tacit deal communicated by him was this: "You wanna be my friend again? This time it might cost ya!" Ergo she allowed him to think he was getting his shady way whilst all the time she had the kiddie contingent ready to well and truly block his hidden plan. Clever lady.
This, therefore, has just been a male/female divide issue. So many women want to believe men can purely be mates with them, or at every stage whereas, secretly and ever silently, the men usually always have and perhaps always did have Option B in the back of their mind.
You know that. I know that. But I think your wife is as however much naive about it as too many other women out there. So your wife needs to appreciate that your leeriness is no reflection on your trust for HER or in the state of your relationship, just on him and whether he had/has a hidden agenda.
Again, I'd say he did, but got nicely dodged and blocked.
No harm done, then, apart from her disillusionment over the fact a past, purported friendship wasn't as pure as she'd always believed.
So, in fat, it's your wife who's been betrayed, not you.
Does that answer both your questions?
PS: Short version (the above was a bit long-winded as I 'thought out-loud', sorry):
Your wife was/is gagging for a friend, either because it represents a blast from the past or because she misses male platonic company, but obviously got an inkling about how said so-called friend newly (or of old?) had a hidden agenda, so deliberately wrong-footed him. That means she took measures to protect yours and her relationship at his expense. (Tick!)
You know men's shady side better so sensed he was up to no good and stated your protest. That means you took measures to protect yours and her relationship at his potential expense. (Tick!)
You two are demonstrating you have a healthy relationship. I cannot, however, say the same for him and HIS wife, hence you got the actions in-motion as spoke louder.
The moral of this story/what needs working on, is: What you don't/can't quite trust is your wife's ability to defend herself (and the marriage/you in absentia). But that's probably because you so overly distrust the intentions of other males when you can see behaviour you can recognise is encroaching into Iffy territory, as then outweighs your usual trust level towards her. You obviously need not worry, however - she's got it covered, *the feminine way*. I.e. cleverer than a hairy fist in the face.
If you were meeting with a female friend of 25 years ago would the situation be the same? Wouldn't you have felt that your partner would be bored while you both catch up? Your wife must have thought the same. Moreover after staying with you for years together she must be knowing you well enough to know that you have an inbuilt male distrust and she probably didn't want you to be troubling and hurting yourself over and over again after attending this meeting (just like you have been with the other sleazy male you met during her class reunion).
Its not that she met him in a room alone with lots of privacy so I think you must just relax and trust her. I know you find it difficult to trust males but you should trust your wife enough to know that she would herself ward off any unwanted male attention that would threaten your marriage.
Yes she was not correct in arranging the meeting without your knowledge of the exact date but again have you given her the confidence that if she had shared it with you , you would have been more comfortable and not reacted this way? Thats the area you need to work on. Trust her much more than you distrust other males. As for his family not attending, that's not in our hands right? What you can do now is may be visit his house with family sometime so all of you all get to meet.
Okay, I don't think you are wrong to feel the way you do in this situation. You have a normal reaction. In high-school, I had more male friends than female friends. I just got along better with guys than girls for some reason. If I were to connect with an old friend of the opposite sex I would first meet up with him, his wife, and my boyfriend so that my boyfriend and his wife will feel comfortable with our friendship and with us hanging out alone.If I were married I would definitely introduce my husband to my friend before I met up with him alone.You are not in high school anymore and I know how seeing an old friend can make a person excited because of the desire to catch up on old times. You two are married now, and your marriage comes first. The friendship between them does not seem to be the major concern for you as much as the way your wife approached the situation. If both families could not meet, I think it would have been appropriate for you, your wife, her friend and his wife to meet. Especially if the two of them were never more than friends. The questionable part to me is her approach. Her approach seems like she either has something to hide or she did not want you around when they met up for whatever reason. If it were me, I would have loved to hear old stories about my husband when he was in high school and about the type of friendship he shared with a friend. That would not have been boring at all.To me, I do not feel it is an issue of trust but more of motive. If my boyfriend reconnected with an old female friend from high school I would be okay with it but not with them hanging out alone until I meet her and feel comfortable and have a general understanding of their friendship. And if it were me, I would have introduced him to my friend to put his my at ease so that he would know that he can trust me and our friendship.
My problem with my husband is now, he wont allow me to accept an invitation without his inclusion, such as family holiday invitations, the vacation cruise to Cancun two weeks ago, that he inserted his will on, his father specifically wanted my husband excluded from this family and friend vacation saying he had not been allowed the last 33 years why start now, First he decided if he was not going to be allowed his fathers best friend was not getting a loan from his accounts to go and when I made the arrangements my husbands spy program he has on the accounts gave him instant notification, As the primary account holder he would not allow the loan to be made, then my husband told me if he was not going then he was pulling my funding, So I did not object when he made reservations for both of us, so I could at least take a vacation after the real bad last two years. Two weeks ago it ended up, with a second tradition built over 33 years being trashed, no vacation after my husband hit his father so hard it broke his neck.
Even after offering a compromise of me laying the ground work for his going in three more years, my husband still overrode every ones offer for this vacation for him to stay at home, and the next time he would be given the invitation and opertunity to go he said he had waited for 42 years doing every ones bidding now it was his turn, He cared less what we wanted him to do, his father again felt that my husbands manners in this matter could not be stood for and he came drunk, with a ball bat to our room, he was going to teach my husband that his rights only extended to what was given, his son broke his neck with the first swing of the bat with an uppercut.
In truth I don't know who is right and wrong over all these decades, I know keeping my husband from taking vacations, holidays, weekend and other seniority rights helped many that had problems. but my husband feels we stole 42 years of his life and rights, and he is more than willing to enforce his will now with whatever means he deems appropriate. Up to and including goading others into becoming so angry that they feel they need to hurt him, Then my husband uses that as his crowbar to really cause pain.
We got a pass any where in the world for the cancellation of our berth, because the lines did find out my husband could sue when they tried bumping him off without me at my father in laws say. this tradition went on without my husband ten other times seven of those my husband was promised if he would just not force his seniority rights that time for the vacation slot and let someone else have it, he would get the first consideration and no objection the next, these were more promise that were never kept in a long line of them for his cooperation, now he wont accept a promise or compromise, like the vacation he is planning is one I had already done. I begged for me to be allowed something different this time and was told remember 1993 when you promised on a stack of bibles you would intercede, for my inclusion the next vacation then left me without funds to even go to the next town for one for myself every year. well this one I am deciding where when and how the funds are going.
I tried pointing out that if he had not become so rebellious in 2001, taking a job his father and friends wanted to go to someone else and how bad those four men got hurt when you took it, he would have eventually been allowed something, he informed me we did not have the right to allow or not allow any thing then or now., Working anything out to every ones satisfaction is no longer possible because the on, my husband wont wait just a little longer and the other side that does not care if he waits forever now, my husband has made it very clear he will no longer wait for his rights, even if someone has to doie in his taking them. the rest of us are ill prepared for his way of thinking.
CTYANKEE, please can you start your own thread rather than posting onto someone else's? Thanks. This post of yours will meanwhile have to be deleted, I'm afraid.