I'm not looking for a sugar daddy!
I'm a loving person, and like to let people who have been kind to me know that I appreciate them. One of the things I do is bake cookies at Christmas for co-workers, teachers, counselors, employers and others who I am thankful to have in my life. This last Christmas I gave my landlord some cookies, after he had been very responsive to any and all complaints, going above and beyond meeting my needs. We also had a few occasions to have friendly, informal chats, where he expressed interest in my studies and goals. Because of that, he knows that I am working hard at school, and also working outside of school to help pay my bills.
So, come Valentines Day, he calls and says he wants to send me some flowers to show his appreciation. I thought, okay, I gave him some cookies, now he wants to reciprocate with some flowers. No big thing. Well, the flowers, candy and stuffed animal were pretty extravagant, but, I thought, okay, he's got a lot more money than me, I'll let it pass. Since then, he offered to let me rent my two bedroom apartment next year for what I am paying now, after I told him I would have to move because my roommate was no longer going to be living with me and I couldn't afford a two bedroom apartment. At that point, I began to get a little uncomfortable with his generosity, and let him know I had already signed a lease on a one bedroom. Then he started calling and texting me, telling me he wanted to meet with me. I was already a little uncomfortable, and decided to try to create some space, and didn't answer.
Then today, as I am leaving for school, he is waiting in the lobby (he lives in the building) and hands me an envelope, saying something like he can take care of me better than anybody else and I shouldn't have to work outside of school. I open it in my car and see that it is stuffed with money, hundred dollar bills. I am now freaked out. I am, obviously, returning the money along with a letter explaining that I am fully capable of taking care of myself and don't need any assistance from him. I am just not sure HOW freaked out I should be. This feels so inappropriate, almost makes me feel dirty for being friendly. I am trying to be as gentle as possible in the tone of the rejection letter, but how could I interpret this as anything other than him wanting to be a Sugar Daddy? The guy is old enough to be my father and I am NOT interested and NEVER COULD BE interested in him.
Looking for some advice!
Eh? Wants to send you flowers on Valentine's Day of all actions-speak-louder things?! Nuff said about what HIS intentions are!
"I thought, okay, I gave him some cookies, now he wants to reciprocate with some flowers."
Er... did you really think flowers was a natural follow-on? Or were you not firing on all cylinders that day?
What about when you realised how over-extravagant his gifts were?
Why is it you kept seeing early warning signs yet kept ignoring or missing them? Are you not USED to saying, 'Thank-you, but I really could't'? Or do you need to be a bit more plugged in so that you see the iceberg tips prior to the actual bergs? Or are you so used to being the giver all the time with your normal social circle that you've no experience in being the recipient? (- that was rhetorical
This is obviously what you and this chap have in common. He's not used to being on the receiving end, either, so misreads the intention behind any kind act (from a female).
Can you better appreciate, now, how failing to nip things in the bud leads to a forest of thorns, meaning, next time you'll deal with it as soon as?
Whatever/whichever... back at the ranch...
"but how could I interpret this as anything other than him wanting to be a Sugar Daddy?"
You couldn't. It's pretty bleedin' obvious by now.
Want to draft your letter here?
I actually DID tell him not to send me flowers, he decided to do so anyways. In hindsight, I should have gathered the stuff up returned it to him, but didn't because I was insanely busy. As far as being a giver, like I said, its a habit I got into when I was in grammar school and it just puts me in the holiday spirit to give homemade treats to people that have been kind or helped me. Here is the draft of the letter I'm sending:
"I was upset today when I found this money in the envelope you gave to me. I believe we have had a miscommunication about intentions and I want to set things straight.
Since I was young, I have been giving cookies to people who I appreciate at Christmas, including teachers, employers, counselors and friends. After suffering through several bad landlords through the years, I have come to appreciate you as a model landlord. One who is responsive to my needs me as a tenant and who goes beyond that by taking an interest in me as a person.
When you offered to return the gesture on Valentines Day, I wan't sure how to interpret your kindness. I decided, after giving it some thought, that allowing you to return a gesture of friendship did not imply that I wanted our relationship to be something more than landlord/tenant.
Please know that although I think you are a good person and someone i enjoy knowing, I am now feeling that you are pushing the boundaries of our relationship in a way that I had not intended. Its not the first time that somebody has misinterpreted my friendliness as something more intimate, if that is what has happened here. Maybe I am wrong, and you are just an extremely generous person. If so, I apologize for assuming the money you gave me had strings attached, but please know that I can't ignore the possibility that you have gotten the wrong message.
I am returning the money because it makes me feel uncomfortable to accept money and gifts from you in return for friendship. It is not necessary for you to buy my friendship, and anything beyond friendship is not possible."
Girl...it was the cookies that did him in. It has probably been so long since someone cooked much less baked anything for him he didn't know how to respond. If he has been crushing on you he may have figured that you felt the same way about him when you gave him those cookies. Who knows what he's thinking?The Valentine's Day gifts seemed to be a nice gesture but giving you money is going a little too far and I can see how that would make someone feel uncomfortable. I would not have assumed that he was being weird by allowing me two rent the apartment at the same price because he knows your situation and that you are a student he was probably trying to help you out. I do feel that he is interested in you in some way. But, I feel that he may be using the wrong approach. He is obviously and isn't going to be the fall guy. and giving a woman money, buying her gifts, and such is nothing for an old school man. That's how they are wired, they are gentlemen. You may also be reacting this way because the things that he is doing for you is something that you are not used to or at least his approach. However, I do not feel that it is necessary for him to capitalize on your situation and try to buy you with what he has. That's not necessary. Also, he may be shy and may be giving you the gifts to express to you how he feels.I think you should be very careful because this is a delicate situation.I would probably talk to him face to face instead of writing a letter because if he took the cookies the wrong way he may take the letter the wrong way. The letter may make things awkward. But, if you do not feel comfortable talking to him the letter is the way to go. But, be nice. Let him know you appreciate his help, and your intentions with the cookies, and even that he is a great guy but you are not looking to be more than friends because he is your landlord and you are his tenant and that you feel uncomfortable.
Perhaps he thinks you need taken care of. Has he ever seen you with a guy?
Maybe a male friend could escort you to your apartment a few times. Very often these old guys fall to the side when they see their crush has someone else, much younger.
I think your letter is good, despite I personally would try to make it a tad shorter. Alternatively, Susie's idea is a good one, actions speaking louder and all that, albeit there's a chance it could put his nose out of joint for its avoidant nature? For that reason, I'd play it safe with the letter, that way there can be no confusion, deliberate or otherwise. For example, for all you know he could get it into his head that you were flaunting another man in order to rev him up by making him jealous.
Another alternative, though, would be to think much farther ahead. You don't, after all, want to embarrass him and risk it detrimenting your good landlord-tenant relations.. particularly as your letter could be construed as a bit 'lecture-ish'. So with that in mind, try this. It puts the blame almost squarely onto you because that's no skin off your nose yet will allow him to save face really easily:
I thought it prudent to write you this note because, to be honest, I'm a bit confused about your latest gesture of friendship in terms of whether it borders onto the romantic? I really hope you'll forgive me if I've misread you and/or the timing of it, as, knowing me and my size 9's, it certainly wouldn't be the first time!
But even if I have got the wrong end of the stick, I want you to kow there was really no need to reciprocate (particularly with money) what on my part is a routine gesture of Christmas spirit that I extend to all my family and friends every single year (- talking about the cookies). Although, saying that, in your particular case it did include my massive appreciation over the fact you're hand-on-heart THE best landlord I've ever had as well as someone I'm enjoying getting to know on a budding friendship level. So for that reason I'm returning your lovely gifts - just to be on the safe side.
What I WILL be keeping forever, however, is the warm glow of appreciation that your huge generosity and thoughtfulness filled me with.
Again, sorry if I've got this all wrong, and see you soon as usual!
I returned the money with the letter and, unfortunately, he doesn't understand. He says I am too young to understand, there are no strings attached, etc, pretty much ignoring my concerns.
He continues to try to contact me, but I just don't have time to deal with this right now. I recently ended a relationship that had promise because I am so focused on getting the grades I need in my upper level courses to achieve my goals after graduation, along working on my honors thesis, volunteering, shadowing healthcare professionals and working a part time job to keep my loans manageable. I'm lucky to get the hours of sleep I need, and the stress I'm feeling from this situation is making that difficult. I have given up having a social life to achieve my goals, and all I want to do is put this behind me so I can keep focused. I don't want to hurt him, but I need space.
Reply from Sugarbaby
for some reason, the system seems to not be posting properly, thinks I'm using somebody else's alias, so I'll summarize my last reply.
Long story short, returned money with letter, guy doesn't understand. He thinks *I'm* too young to understand, that there are no strings. Part of the communication problem could be due to the fact that he is a foreigner from a country whose culture is very different from mine.
I wish I had the time to figure this out, but I just don't. My life is stressful, too stressful to even have a social life at this point, and this is just adding to the stress. He won't leave me alone, and it is making me anxious to the point where I am losing sleep. I don't want to hurt someone whose intentions are innocent, but I just need space.
"He thinks *I'm* too young to understand, that there are no strings."
Oh, DOES he, indeed. Yeah, well, we're not interested in his denials if he's going to be silly about it and meanwhile try to chip your confidence, because the simple truth is, actions speak louder and you can't get much louder than giving someone gifts of a romantic nature on "lovers' day" of all days. I mean, humouring him for a moment - where was the rush, why couldn't he have waited two more days to avoid the logical association? And - flowers, candy and a cute, stuffed animal? Who does he think he's kidding here?
As for the money and saying he can take better care of you than, quote, anyone else? If he was wanting a quasi adopted daughter and he's old enough to BE your dad then I would have thought the gifts themselves highly age inappropriate anyway, let alone the day he gave them on or the follow up of MONEY. What would he have you believe - that it was backdated pocket-money? LOL
His denials are ridiculous.
Well, now we know WHY he's been the best landlord you've ever had, don't we. He had romantic-sexual designs you on FROM THE START. So this means your bog-standard Xmas gift was taken for a Green light by a car that was already revving and raring to go. Cookies is NOT a lovers' gift. So this itself means, it wasn't your act that was remiss but his. And also, evidently in hindsight, he is NOT "the best landlord" normally. Only when he wants something.
You did NOT start up his engine. So bang goes the idea of preserving that 'great' landlord-tenant relationship because it was never genuine to begin with, it was just his cover under which to try to seduce you.
" He won't leave me alone, and it is making me anxious to the point where I am losing sleep."
It's not a communication difference, if anything it's a CULTURE difference. Or just a dirty old man difference. LOL
But anyway, if it's stressing you out the solution is simple: you need to find another rental and move out, like you originally thought you'd have to.
Alternatively, if you don't think you can face the hassle of moving right now, write him another note (keeping a copy):
Since it's patently obvious, now, that you and I can neither understand each other nor communicate effectively, and since thanks to my intensive studying I have time only for THE most simple and easy-to-handle friendships, I would prefer it if for the time being we revert to the purely business relationship of landlord and tenant. I'm sure you can understand and not take it too personally when I say I need optimum peace and quiet and as least interruptions as possible, including phonecalls and texts, at this vital approach to my career.