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Leave my husband or stay?

Posted by
SHAYLA
on Mar 4 2015 at 04:29
Member since: 04 March 2015
Relationship advice I've been married for almost 10 years and have 2 kids ages 12 and 7. My husband and I have had the same arguments for years with no change. I need more affection from him, I need him to step up as a father and husband (changed jobs several times, not involved in family events, doesn't spend time with me and kids on weekends, etc). A few months ago I found an old journal entry that I wrote 4 years ago about how lonely I felt and the feeling that there has to be more for me in life. Reading it made me realize that I haven't been happy in a long time. A couple of weeks later my husband went out of town for work and I had an affair. The guy I had the affair with was someone I've known for a long time. He is completely different from my husband (husband is 8 years older than me, this guy is 2 years younger than me). He and I talked sometimes and he would always tell me how beautiful I am and how much I deserve to be happy, even when he didn't know the details of my marriage, he said he could just sense it. He and my husband know each other but aren't friends or anything like that. I don't know why I had the affair, maybe I wanted to see if I could feel passion again or feel wanted in a sexual way (husband and I do not have sex often- maybe 4-5 time a year- this has also been an ongoing argument for at least 3 years, and now its been made into such a big deal that even when we do have sex it's awkward and not good). The affair happened, and I really enjoyed the sex and the company and attention of the guy I cheated with. That was September. It's now March and I'm still seeing him and having an ongoing affair. . I'm also seriously considering leaving my husband. Not necessarily for the guy I'm having the affair with, we get along great and he gives me butterflies again, I smile every time I see his name come across my phone or hear his voice. Best sex I've ever had. But I know enough not to jump out of a 10 year marriage and into another relationship. I know I need time alone and time to really learn what I want from life and from a partner. BUT I am so scared of walking away from my husband and regretting it later. He says he realizes now that he has messed up in a lot of ways and is going to seriously work on making things right, but I've been trying to get him to do this for years with no luck, so I'm honestly tired of trying. Husband doesn't know about the affair. Other guy knows about my situation and says he only wants me to be happy regardless of who I am with, but he has told me several times that he would love the chance to be in my life. Husband is actually a good guy and has a big heart, I'm just. It happy and haven't been in a long time. So, my unhappiness a valid reason to divorce my husband and change my kids' lives? Or is it really just better to ride it out for the sake of the kids and the obljgation of marriage? I know that my cheating is wrong and isn't good for our marriage, but I also wonder how I could feel these feelings for another man if I'm meant to be with my husband. Are we really meant to be or is that just a romanticly naive excuse we make because we've read too many books or watched too many movies?


Sorry so long. This has been weighing in my mind for a while now and I have no one to talk to about it. I'm ashamed to admit to any of my friends that I am having a affair. It's been hard carrying the secret because I want to do what is right, which would be to make a decision and move on or end the affair...

Leave my husband or stay?

Reply from
SHAYLA
on Mar 4 2015 at 04:43
Member since: 04 March 2015
I should clarify that I love my husband, but it's grown to feel more like a brotherly love than a passionate love. We don't kiss, when we do I don't feel snything, and he sleeps on the couch more often than in our bed. It sometimes feels more like I have a roommate and not a husband. I'm 32. He's 40.

Leave my husband or stay?

Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Mar 4 2015 at 17:15
Member since: 19 August 2014
You're not even remotely in a position to say you know you'd need time on your own first and would do so, are you. Certainly, if you can't leave a man you're no longer *romantically* in-love with them you don't have an icicle's chance in hell of leaving one you are! Especially if you're then in a position where you don't even have to! So that's just blah-blah-blah and can be eliminated from the considerations pile.

1. It's all very well comparing an established husband to a new boyfriend. How on earth is the husband going to be able to compete with a dream! You have to compare BOYFRIENDS. From first meeting to however far along you are now with your 'mistress'. And then you have to bear in mind that it's so much easier for a man to strike you as this and that wonderful thing whilst you and he are in the non-reality love bubble (no pressures of reality, including bills, bickering kids, etc., etc., etc.). What if given another 10 years, boyfriend-now-new-husband is WORSE, possibly TEN TIMES? Or any man whom you replace your husband with? Usually, you DO get an automatic upgrade. But that's only in reward for having done your mental homework and revision. You haven't. So you aren't worthy of a reward yet. Take my Fate-worshipping word for it.

2. Men react to actions, not 'nagging' that rears its head and then goes back under again. The reason why your husband only NOW has said he'll take proper measures is because he, too, can sense (without having yet articulated it in precise notion format in his mind) what's afoot, which is BECAUSE you've finally put your 'supposed' dissatisfactions into reality via (wait for it) actions. So couldn't it be said to be both unrealistic and unfair to say husband's proposition to turn over a new leaf is now a case of too little, too late?

3. "I know that my cheating is wrong and isn't good for our marriage, but I also wonder how I could feel these feelings for another man if I'm meant to be with my husband."

Easy. Your husband was leaving you needs-dissatisfied whereas boyfriend, courtesy of said bubble convenience, has filled them. Hence your mind is going, 'THAT one!'. But - actions speaking louder - the fact that your marriage is supposedly so under par yet you CAN'T bring yourself to just leave, speaks major volumes when it comes to whopping contradiction. Even leaving motherly guilt aside, your husband must have a lot more going for him than 'just' a good heart. Also, how good can a heart be said to be that would steal another man's WIFE and in the process help devastate a number of tiny, innocent lives! Pff...

You obviously sense this fact which is why you've toyed with the idea of being a single divorcee. Well, there you now have it - spelled out in all its glory (gory).

4. You've chugged on this long. What's so difficult about giving your husband another piddly 6 months to show you he CAN be the type of lover you need and/or-or-OR the type he already in the past proved he COULD (or else how did you end up saying, I do, and not later annulling)?

5. You're not thinking panoramically enough, though. You haven't even considered what might happen if husband FINDS OUT you've been cheating on him. You might suddenly find the decision isn't even yours(!), meaning all this prevarication is a waste of time and energy. Clearly, by the fact of his suddenly starting to step up and get real, he's INCHES away from realising what's behind all these changes in behavioural patterns of yours and the general alteration in household vibe.

Are you ever going to confess? What then?

This mess is a result of your not having been arsed enough, year after year, to mount your complaints case PROPERLY whereby husband was under no illusions that it was 'shape up or I'm shipping out' time. Sorry, but women do whinge (or 'vent') a lot. They try to discharge the energy that's there for the purpose of taking action, rather than take the scary action. So how are you meant to know when they're serious or when they're not?

Try this analogy: Your husband has been walking along a path for the last 10 years, headed for a hole. You've been there issuing what in your opinion were warnings of the hole that were too quiet and too casual and EVIDENTLY didn't do the job. Now he's slipped somewhat into the hole, being half-in, half-out. And you're saying you feel like it's too late for him to bother climbing out??? Who's fault is that? His for not paying suitable attention? Yours for not being an effective self-representative? I'd say both because that's a definite case of two to tango...and no wonder neither you or your husband has ever taken this bull by the horns despite it's been increasingly running amok. (I mean - sleeping mostly on the sofa, er, HELLO??). You're clearly as bad as each other. Both head-in-sand merchants who want things to get done magically when you're not looking or else a case of, 'You do it / No, you do it / No, you'. Come on, time to grow up.

What about your kids? What have THEY done wrong? Eff all. Husband can get a replacement lover, you can make secret lover your replacement lover, but they can not - EVER - get a replacement two-personed, live-in parental unit.

Would you die for your kids? If your answer is the stock Yes then I hardly think it's too much to ask that you - the one with the gender-role responsibility (Emotional Caretaker) - drag your husband to a course of couples counselling like you should have done yuh-huh-huh-HEARS before now, before you try to claim the situation is futile. Is it? And was the fact you had that ready-and-waiting remedy to-hand really rocket science?

In other words, had you made it CRYSTAL CLEAR you were unhappy with/about this, that, this, that, AND were SERIOUS about whether you could tolerate this, that, this, that, enough - we wouldn't be having this conversation. Try to deny it, I challenge you.

Leave my husband or stay?

Reply from
LONELY2NIGHT
on Mar 8 2015 at 21:27
Member since: 08 March 2015
I can completely relate to the lack of affection, attention, affirming loving words in marriage. I experience this daily in my 12+years of marriage. It is heart wrenching. We've tried counseling, books, seminars, therapy, pastors, sexy lingerie, porn, erotica, praying, talking, crying, EVERYTHING. My H is so uninterested in me or in sex. He is preoccupied. Stressed. Shut down. He is perfectly content to live as comfortable roommates for the rest of our lives. We have 3 children - they're no longer little - so not a distraction or as needy.

I however, cannot live without passion. Touch. Words of affirmation. Love expressed physically, emotionally.

I've not had an actual affair. I do have a friend in another state who is also married and deals with the same/plus more probs, so we communicate via email and text. I could see how falling for "the other man" would be easy. I could fall so easily for him. (None of life's pressures or problems between us)

I think it crucial in marriage to communicate. To express yourself and to accept one another. When nothing helps after exhausting all avenues, then move on. Kids sense when there is pain or discomfort or anger. Not so much little ones, but as they grow, yes, they know. We should communicate LOVE to our family, and families come in all shapes and sizes and circumstances. Be happy. You only go around once.

Leave my husband or stay?

Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Mar 10 2015 at 13:39
Member since: 19 August 2014
So well said, L2N, I'm going to repeat it (with one tweak, if you don't mind?):

I think it crucial in marriage to communicate. To express yourself and to accept one another. When nothing helps after exhausting all avenues, then move on. Kids sense when there is pain or discomfort or anger [or apathy]. Not so much little ones, but as they grow, yes, they [realise what they know]. We should communicate LOVE to our family, and families come in all shapes and sizes and circumstances. Be happy. You only go around once.

I think it crucial in marriage to communicate. To express yourself and to accept one another. When nothing helps after exhausting all avenues, then move on. Kids sense when there is pain or discomfort or anger [or apathy]. Not so much little ones, but as they grow, yes, they [realise what they know]. We should communicate LOVE to our family, and families come in all shapes and sizes and circumstances. Be happy. You only go around once.

I think it crucial in marriage to communicate. To express yourself and to accept one another. When nothing helps after exhausting all avenues, then move on. Kids sense when there is pain or discomfort or anger [or apathy]. Not so much little ones, but as they grow, yes, they [realise what they know]. We should communicate LOVE to our family, and families come in all shapes and sizes and circumstances. Be happy. You only go around once.

I think it crucial in marriage to communicate. To express yourself and to accept one another. When nothing helps after exhausting all avenues, then move on. Kids sense when there is pain or discomfort or anger [or apathy]. Not so much little ones, but as they grow, yes, they [realise what they know]. We should communicate LOVE to our family, and families come in all shapes and sizes and circumstances. Be happy. You only go around once.

**********

The Anna Karenina Principle, derived by Tolstoy's narrative in the book of the same name, says: "Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way."

And it's qualified thus:

'The Anna Karenina principle was popularized by Jared Diamond in his book [predominantly about genomes under cultural influence] "Guns, Germs and Steel". Diamond uses this principle to illustrate why so few wild animals have been successfully domesticated throughout history, as a deficiency in any one of a great number of factors can render a species undomesticable. Therefore all successfully domesticated species are not so because of a particular positive trait, but because of a lack of any number of possible negative traits.'

Substitute 'domesticable' for 'relationship capable' and then repeat, BECAUSE OF A LACK OF ANY NUMBER OF POSSIBLE NEGATIVE TRAITS, and there you have it. Ergo, how to KNOW FOR SURE whether or not - 'exhaust all avenues'.

Leave my husband or stay?

Reply from
EVERYONE
on Apr 15 2016 at 12:57
Member since: 15 April 2016
Shayla, you are not going to regret leaving him. He's going to regret it. You are going to feel free, and you are going to enjoy life again. No, it's not better to stay for the children. The children shouldn't see a marriage where there is no love. Don't teach them that. Have a mad, wild, sexy, wonderful love affair that makes you very happy and show your children that, as an example of what they should hope for.

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