I have been in a long distance relationship with a great girl for just over 7 months now. I'm 26 and she is 21. We have met up a few times. Spent new years eve and day together. Things seemed great. But just recently she's been ignoring me, dodging my texts and calls. And keeps telling me she doest deserve me, that she's worthless and I can do better.
I know she loves me, and I love her. Her best mate has been texting me also trying to help. The mate says she does want to be with me and loves me allot. But she's hurting herself over it, as she is to afraid to let me get close any more. She says she's scared of getting happy in case I turn round and end it because she's worthless/boring
She has been through allot with the ex, without going into detail he is in prison.
I honestly don't know what to do any more. My mates and family think i should just back off and run away. Forget about her.
But her best mate is desperately trying to get her to talk to me. Now and then i get a few texts from her after the mate has talked to her. Saying she's scared etc. But then nothing.
I don't want to forget about her. But if she is not even letting me talk to her, what ells can I do?
You have to be ready to do a relationship, which includes bravery, for it to stand any chance at surviving and prospering. Or you have to be so utterly fruit-loopy over the person - AND be a positive person rather than a pessimistic one - that that whole pleasure principle outweighs (to the point of obliterates) any of the potential negatives as they at some point start to re-occur to you, like possibly ending up 'rejected' and heartbroken.
Either she's not suitably fruit-loopy over you or you did something, perhaps without even knowing, to spook her? Or maybe her ex did?...or just the thought of what he might think and do when he comes out? Or maybe HE told her she was worthless and boring and she believed him? But if she did, why ENTER a relationship with you in the first place? So my suspicion is she's using that supposed belief as her excuse to hide the truth, which is, now that you two have gone deeper she finds she likes you TOO much, meaning, potential brokenhearted-ness becomes SUPER-brokenhearted-ness.
Strange, however, that despite how he behaved towards her she's meanwhile sat there blaming herself and her value in front of you as if THAT is what was the problematic element between them, don't you think? This is why I think her protestations about not being good enough are just an excuse for the fact she just isn't comfortable being that incredibly intimate with anyone, END OF. That certainly would explain how she became saddled in the first place with the sort of no-mark idiot her ex sounds like. After all, think about it: if secretly you're Martina Navratilova in terms of knowing how yet being *too scared* to try to win those grand-slams, what better way to avoid dealing with that outcome in the first place than by choosing a duff doubles partner. Even if said partner was the one to chase and persuade YOU into partnership, not dumping them fairly early on once you find out they consistently behave like a tw*t is still a form of choosing. So I think it's safe to say you've found yourself dating a woman who THOUGHT she wouldn't fall too heavily for you but then did (you irresistible, silver-tongued devil, you, LOL), at which point she went "EEEK!!" and started to back off and issue loftier-sounding 'reasons' than, I'M TOO CHICKEN.
It's pretty pathetic, really. Next, she'll be avoiding crossing the road in case she gets run over. You obviously need someone who's braver, more trusting and more sure of themselves (and life)... in which case, you should believe her because, at least she's being HALF-honest: you CAN do better.
Right Person, Right Place, Right Time are the mandatory criteria for a successful relationship. She's neither the former nor the latter. She doesn't have your bravery, trust, work ethic, or your faith in life, she's too soon out of a truly sh*t relationship, AND she's secretly domineering because she won't even let you have your 'day in court' to submit your case.
Not letting you share the task of forming a decision that affects both of you, *and* not letting you respond when she basically says something at you in response through your front door letterbox, is not team spirit. She should be PHONING you so that the two of you could have a PROPER discussion about it all. And a relationship is all about team spirit. ALL about!
Evidently, then, she is not equipped, mentally, for a mature, adult, romantic relationship (hence got saddled with a tw*tus maximus) so isn't behaving like someone who's to all intents and purposes still in one (or still today more in than out). Berbom. In fact, she's being downright sadistic if you want my opinion.
Is this the kind of partner you think is all you deserve?
If you think it's purely only a giant wobble, however, then I suggest you reverse-psychology her, i.e. AGREE with her, which you can do either verbally ("You're right") with back-up action (playing dead) or, better yet, just the action alone. (I think this is what your social circle mean when they say forget her, because even if you do it for real it could still produce that hidden bonus.) If, then, there IS true love in the mix, what you'll have done is removed the fear of keeping the union and replaced it solely and exclusively with the fear of LOSING the union.
See the sense?
When we were together, or talking. Everything was fantastic. Spend hours on the phone even if it was mostly silence. She would ask me to call her just so i am there. I think that we are perfect for each other. I truly do. Even though it has only been 7 months, i see a long future together. Or at least i did. I don't know if that's me being naive, or i truly think she is "the one"
Although it makes sense, im not keen on the reverse-psychology. But as she is not answering me or talking to me anyway, i would not even know if it had effect. I do think this is "it" The one people always talk about. But if she acts like this now, i suppose there is no telling what may happen in the future. I'm just not sure what to do.
She obviously thinks she WILL. But there's nothing you can do about that because it's never ABOUT what other people think, it's about what WE think of ourselves and whether we look in the mirror and think, 'Yeah... I'm a really decent person with copious evidence to back that up'. Or as I always put it: 'If I were my partner would I consider myself dang lucky on all the levels that count? Yes, I would!'. Her ex could have told her she SMELLED, but if she knows herself well enough to know she doesn't, it would be water off a duck's back... or a smack that lacks the tack to crack the quacker's back (hur-hur). So either she doesn't know herself well enough at her age/stage OR she knows she's pretty pants at the up-close level that comes next following this one. So that WOULD make the thought of you and she getting closer scare her, wouldn't it. Yet the fact of the matter is this: one man's poison (Mr Tw*tty Con) is another man's meat. You might NOT think her warts are too ugly. So the chicken is the fact she's too chicken, with her saying you could do better the egg it lays.
But apparently, she knows what it's like to be the other person, i.e. you, better than you do. How she thinks she knows that is beyond me. The fair thing to do now that she's up until recently - once it became too late, note, in terms of you getting to walk away pain-free - is let you find out 'whether', *yourself*. Shame she didn't have this giant permanent roadblock call to mind BEFORE now, isn't it.
Are you seeing into this to her faults and inadequacies yet?
1. She's careless with a prized, delicate possession (other people's hearts) once arrives the point where handling with care becomes paramount.
2. She's arrogant and thinks she knows it all, including what you like/don't like better than you, the expert.
3. She's discourteous and lacks empathy.
4. She obviously knows how to manipulate others to do her dirty-work for her (the friend) - because why isn't grown woman A letting grown woman B get on with conducting her OWN relationship call of duty rather than reacting as if Woman B is as perfectly capable as all other grown women? Is she secretly a child in a grown-up woman's suit and her friend knows it? Or is there this Master-Slave dynamic between them that has Woman A doing absolutely anything Woman B asks or drops hints for, including doing her emotional hoovering and tidying-up for her?
Shall I go on? What about the fact that those 'silent' phonecalls smack of accompaniment (taking) more than interaction (giving and taking) and what that says when interaction was supposedly on offer? What I'm saying is this: you have tips of icebergs waving hello, which could belong to little'uns or ones that could sink the Titanic. Proceed with caution when proceeding equals deeper bondedness equals greater pain later down the line. One tip is of particular interest to me because it's a bit of a pet subject, putting it mildly, namely Borderline Personality Disorder. Hugely characteristic of people with this disorder is that the minute you're not physically with them, they find it impossible to remaining believing you do love them. Not even a symbol or momento serves as reassurance. You have to BE with them. In the same room. Even just audially. Add to that the other main characteristic of extreme lack of empathy via her refusal to give you a proper explanation via a proper conversation so you at least can cope better with her decision if during it you get to see that her decision is final - because to deny you involvement or closure is unbefittingly and unwarrantedly and inappropriately cruel by anyone's standards - and, ER..... Little alarms are going off in my bonce. You're only 7 months in and already look how utterly shoddily and 'anti-sympathetically' she's treating you as if your feelings - yours, the man she alleged to love - don't figure. So proceed with the utmost of caution, just in case she's PD OR just in case she's still so post-traumatised she's emulating the behaviour (same difference when you're the brunt of it, though).
Yeah, you would know if it had had an effect (although I shouldn't forget to mention, that includes going schtum on the friend as well). You'd either get a text/call at some point under some pathetic excuse to re-kindlem some past conversation (equals, it worked) - something like, 'You've got my toothpick and I was wanting to get it back' - or you wouldn't (equals, it didn't thus couldn't and wouldn't have ever worked, equals, Loved Me Not). I always say within 6 weeks is reasonable. If someone can live without you properly in their life (or not nearly any extent that would suffice when compared to before).. if basically a woman can live without you in her life for 6 whole weeks - one month and one fortnight - 42 whole days, 41 whole nights - non-stop on the trot in the midst of not having a clue about whether they'll ever get any end relief (like via a pre-arranged reunion), they have proven they can live without you full stop. (For men it's a little longer because they have to get over their giant egos first, LOL).
" I think that we are perfect for each other. I truly do. Even though it has only been 7 months, i see a long future together. Or at least i did. I don't know if that's me being naive, or i truly think she is "the one""
Well, I don't know either because that might be you trying to explain/justify what in large part is purely angst and/or being hell bent on not being left living with the rejectee position. All I do know without any shadow of a doubt is, actions speak louder. If it's a small action in terms of meaning, you need a whole array. But if it's a giant action, you need only the one. And here I see you basically refusing, using silly excuses, to try the situation-tried & tested method of reverse-psychology-ing.
If you're 'not sure what to do' then what you're actually saying is, you're not sure about doing something that will - when done to someone in love - work. You KNOW it would work because you can see the perfect sense in it. So you're refusing. Yet you say you want her back. Error, Does Not Compute!
When something (this case, a lack of action-taking) doesn't makes sense, it's usually because it's [a] a lie or [b] a product of fear. You've no reason for lying so I vote B.
What are you afraid of? Finding out where you secretly always stood with her or where she secretly stood with you (or both in unison)?
I think you ARE sure what to do (i.e. nothing). I think all I've done is take your short, cover-all sentances, identified the many hidden sentances and sentiments underneath and around and beyond them, and articulated them for you. YOU'RE NOT SURE YOU WANT HER BACK.
No. Nor would I be on the back of all of that behaviour of hers.
I think you already sense you're "this close" to finding your ideal, that your next one is going to be another Martina but *without* the southern-fried crispy-coated wings. Well, the proof of the pudding on that score is just to cease thinking and watch your feet and what THEY do (because they know, they always know). In case it's NOT your feet acting, but fear, the remedy is to WAIT 24 or 48 hours before acting. Fear dissipates. Urge based on deep-down knowledge/instinct doesn't, it gets stronger.
And now face it... Getting or letting your best friend to do your hard parts for you - or even having a friend who believes it's her RIGHT to do those hard parts instead of her and sees absolutely nothing dissuadingly strange/inappropriate about it - is exactly what you'd expect of an eleven-year-old. "Myy mate fancies yooou / Myy mate doesn't want to go ooout with yoou any mooore".
Is there a difference here? Because I certainly can't see it, can you?
Mate, she's stunted. Her friend knows it, I know it, your feet know it.
I predict your workable Martina will be no more than one year your junior or possibly 3 years your senior.
I find it hard to believe that with everything we have been through, that it could just end like this. We were talking every day without fail. But now I cant even get through. It has already been over 1 month since I talked to her properly. And that was only because I had a hospital scare. I have sent her a message now, explaining it all. And saying I can't be doing with the silence any more. Asking to at least talk to me about it. If not then I can't see this progressing.
I don't think I will get a reply. I would have much preferred to talk to her about it all. But as she has my number blocked, (I'm sure of it.. always says "line busy". Yet calling from another line/withheld number it just rings out) text will have to do. My only other option would be writing to her, or visiting. But visiting seems to creepy/over the top.
I thank you again for your advice. Talking about it on here has helped me come to terms with it. And I hate to say but my friends and family's advice of "just forget about her" did not really help.
Excellent, I like that - on two levels:  it shows a SUPERB work and life ethic and  it means what I've said can really sink in onto the emotional level where it's needed.
It moreover shows me you're a diamond geezer. So how the hell did you get saddled with such a lazy child? Opposites attract, huh... a symptom of two unreadies or confuseds. When you're ready - and this whole episode is part of that getting-ready process - you tend to attract a Like.
Are you by any chance gagging for a mini-me and letting that paternal urge and your urge for a wife get merged into the one urge and vibe (result: attracting both beings in the one body)? Could it be she was however much your practise child?
That aside - hold yer horses! What's this new data? YOU failed to talk to HER? Because of a hospital scare? (Que?) Is that what spooked her - you went AWOL on her??? No, that can't be right - surely. It doesn't gel whatsoever with your being prepared to write or visit. Or does it? Did you have a giant wobble and use some medical obligation as your great excuse? Clarify, please? Because whether doing a Richard Gere from Pretty Woman and shimmy-ing up her drainpipe (oo-er!) is creepy or impressive or just plain warranted depends entirely on the precise situation thus context.
I got a reply back and eventually she answered the phone. She was about to drop everything to come and visit me in hospital. Things seemed OK for the 2 days after.. but then it went back to silence. Since then I've managed to perhaps speak/text her about 3-4 times. (With reply) Always the same though, she puts herself down, says she's worthless, why am I interested in her. Etc. "I don't understand.. why me? I am no one.."
I'm not after a "mini me" so to speak. I'm after a companion. Someone who will be there for me when I need them. Someone who I can rely on, and can rely on me.
But, oh! OH, OH, OH, OH, OH! - "but this was the date of the ex's trial"
COURSE IT DOES! It's the diff that makes ALL the diff. Yes, damn RIGHT you should be calling round in-person! She was having a giant reaction and still is! SINCE then - because you (repeat, YOU) have failed to called round in-person as would have remained appropriately sensitive (and still is) is probably WHY she's now avoiding your calls. Avoidance of calls reason A (I'm wobbling) became reason B (seems I was right to wobble).
She thinks you don't care enough. She's not saying SHE thinks she's no-one. She's saying she thinks YOU think (and showed it) she's a no-one.
You daft muppet. She had a crisis, you didn't turn up. You had a crisis, SHE DID. Mwack-mwack-oops to you!
Get in thy car, NOW.
And don't forget the huge bouquet of flowers. And be ready to say sorry and beg for forgiveness. Say you like to be left alone during difficult times like a cat who slinks to behind the potting shed so did what blokes are famous for and ASS-U-ME d she would need time alone as well, but that you know better now and it won't happen again if she could just find it in her heart to forgive you, pretty-please...
Won't know for sure until you try, hey!
If only i could drive. Im going up there Sunday. I cant tonight or tomorrow. As im stuck with family. But im going to be there sunday. I just hope she turns up..
I just hope she did not just say them things just to get rid of me..
She called you? That's a bit spookily coincidental, isn't it [insert Twilight Zone music]. But, no, if she was the one called you then I very much doubt she was fobbing you off,...you don't call someone if you want rid of them, do you... more like she's had a chance to calm down and thought 'whoops-sh*t!' at the thought of having sent you permanently away because you've been so uncharacteristically quiet. Although, saying that, you don't know...she might have been crying and didn't want you to see her with piss-holes-in-the-snow for eyes (??). No, she probably needs time to get her head around the situation having just improved compared to the doom and despair of before.
But NOTE THIS: going by what we've managed to work out she meant by 'you could do better', she's obviously one of those women who says things like, 'Nothing!', preceded with a barely-detectable hoity sniff, whenever you ask what's wrong, whilst secretly thinking to herself, 'If you don't know then I'm not telling you!'. (Sigh now and get it over with, LOL.) This one is hot on etiquette but not very open with her thoughts. There again, you can't blame her for being a closed book. There again, you CAN, because I repeat: you need bravery to be ready to do a relationship as smoothly as possible because they're not exactly smooth at the BEST of times.
You're going to have to have a wee talk with her to get it through her skull that YOU ARE NOT HER EX. And I imagine you're going to thereafter be having to reminder her quite a lot. Or pay better attention as a prevention. Still... no work, no perks, eh.
If you beat YOURSELF up, she won't have to do it.
I've had mini freak-outs over the fact she wasn't talking to me. Stupid i know. I get very anxious when she goes silent. As I'm not sure if its me that has said something, or something has happened.
Don't get me wrong, I'm not the type who recommends a woman having to tell a bloke 'how to tie his shoelaces'...not at all. But this wasn't a no-brainer of a situation. You can be forgiven for having given her that space because she was acting like she WANTED space - correct? There were none of the typical signs for you to have gone on, meaning, you weren't actually as stupidly remiss as you think.. hence why it took someone especially insightful (moi) to have to point it out to you.
Just go carefully and slowly for a wee while. Particularly as it's not exactly a brilliant sign if you're talking like this wasn't the first time she's gone silent on you and/or if she makes you anxious a lot of the time.
The general dating rule is, If it's not fun you're either doing it wrong or are doing it with the wrong partner.
Just after we .. "got together" for the first time, i couldnt get rid of her. She was texting/replying all the time. Kept saying hpw happy she was. It was great. Before though it was frequent. What got me is i dont think shes ignoring her family/Friends. It just seems to be me.
When we started talking i asked if i could add her. (I dont add people randomly) She told me she never had one. Which i beleived and i left it at that.
Friend of mine asked how things are and asked about her. I told him i havent spoken properly for a while. He asked if shes been active on facebook. And he found her profile. To which he links me and im not able to even see the page. To me it doesnt even exist. Yet to my mate he can see profile photo updates etc.
So i think i know where i stand..
"It has happened a few times. But never for this long before.
Just after we .. "got together" for the first time, i couldnt get rid of her. She was texting/replying all the time. Kept saying hpw happy she was. It was great. Before though it was frequent. What got me is i dont think shes ignoring her family/Friends. It just seems to be me."
Mm, yes... Been there, had that done to me. This is all just another symptom of commitmentphobia (but again, is it innate or post-traumatic?). Understand that CP is often just another, symptom-centred term to describe personality disorder to whatever varying degree (again, whether that be temporary and reactive or ingrained since childhood or indeed actually innate). If you go read up on commitmentphobia you'll understand why CPs rush in the beginning. What they're trying to do, usually unconsciously, is beat their commitmentphobia to the alter. They know (or background sense) of old, via their dating history pattern, that at some point (usually roughly the 3rd or 8th month in) they're going to lose their bottle and find some excuse to pull out. In other words, where 'normal' people have wobbles but don't let it affect them to the point of calling it quits - either because they manage to get the better of and keep hidden their anxieties or because they share them with you and you then get to help them come back down to earth - the very commitment-shy or downright -phobic do...and make you suffer alongside them.
Books on CP tend to end by telling you that if you're dating a CP then, by the laws of Like Attracts Like, you must be one yourself. Not true, sorry. There is also such a thing as Opposites Attract and the Master-Servant relationship, whereby you're the victim and what solely makes you comlicit in the game is the fact that you can't or daren't or won't stand up properly for yourself and/or get all no-nonsense masterful (big deal) nor bring yourself to end things.
When my rebound ex had done this for the Nth time ("I don't think I can doooo this relationship, mew-mew"), I remember (we were on the phone) finally cracking and saying to him, 'Oh, just shut the eff up, "meh, meh, meh, meh, meh, MEH"... get an early night and stop being a complete prat and I'll see you tomorrow as planned... or not - WHADEVAH!', before slamming the phone down on him. He rang me the very next morning saying, thank-you for not having listened to me. Was I flattered at that? NO. By then I was sick to the back teeth of his constant wobbling, meaning, giving him short shrift like that wasn't for his benefit but mine, and I didn't want a CHILD who needed to have his fears spanked or scared out of him, and I didn't want someone who wanted a relationship and DIDN'T want a relationship both at the same time. I wanted a grown man.
By 'scared out of him', I mean, the way that my seeming to have reached the end of my tether took the pressure off him. You see, if I was backing away, that gave him room, eased his fear. Because PDs, reactive or ingrained/innate, have (again, to whatever degree) two permanently oppositional mind states: irrational fear of intimacy CO-MORBID WITH irrational fear of abandonment. They want you 'two feet' close and no more and if you encroach into that radius, the irrational fear of intimacy kicks in and they push you away. If you back away outside of that radius, the irrational fear of abandonment kicks in and they pull you back in again.
SHE RANG YOU. Because you'd moved TOO FAR outside her comfort radius. That phonecall must have represented her trying to pull you back inside it, but your reaction must have been to have moved back in TOO CLOSE. Hence now she's pushed you away again. Push-you-pull-you-push-you-pull-you...
I don't think there's any winning with this one unless you somehow absolutely adore the on-off relationship.
Bet your arse if you end it or appear to have ended it, though - back she'll come...and the whole sorry dance will start over.
So in essence, the reason WHY it's never been this long before, is simple: Back then you weren't as far along as you are now. Initial fear of abandonment, as time went on, became re-accompanied by its old friend, Fear of intimacy.
If you COULD see her FB page you'd at some point realise why she's blocked you. It's so that she can dabble with other men. You see, CPs don't want to admit and face the FACT they've got that phobia, so when the fear of intimacy kicks in they try to rationalise it with self-justificatory BS (self-delude): 'He's not this, he's too that, his nose is too big, blah-blah-blah'. They think they'd not experience this dance if they were with someone more perfect for them. But because of said fear of abandonment, they want to keep you around, keep you dangling, just in case they come back from their fishing expedition empty-handed. They cannot, that's CANNOT tolerate being single/alone, so they constantly lilypad leap from one lover to the next or TRY to before coming back to you (recommence on-off dance).
You need to end it and go find yourself someone who WANTS to get closer and closer until you're both one comprised of two and stays with you not predominantly because they can't be lover-less but just because they want you. Be aware, though, that when you end it or let her cotton on to the fact you've ended it, you'll get another warm-you-back-up phonecall. If you can't be warmed up, you'll have yourself a nice little phone/text/email/drive-by type of stalker on your hands, and the message will be along the lines of, 'Pityy meee, daddyyyy, boo-hoo'.
It's not for you to pity the issue-ridden out there. You didn't sign up to be someone's emotional nursie. You want a romantic relationship that's so head-and-shoulders above any relationship you've ever had - in ALL regards - that it leads to marriage and kids, and you don't have time to waste your one, precious, surprisingly actually quite short, life.
Say it with me: "Neeeeext...!"
PS: No, you're not bad with words. Or not so's I noticed. And I usually do. Because I'm anal that way.
So it's all good. Great, even. No need for tears, just to go out buy a bottle of champers in readiness.
I am that soldier. I'm the soldier who read up on absolutely everything to do with war and then fought in loads. This has all just been a process, a bit of a gauntlet run (psychological version) through the dense thorns to the castle that contains your for-life princess.
I honestly think I would have continued doing what I was doing. Waiting for a reply, going out of my mind over if she would reply or not.
I have decided that it is best if I "forget about her" and move on. (Thanks to your help!) As I have heard nothing from her since Friday, or been able to speak to her properly for almost 2 months now, I can assume she has forgot about me. Judging by what's on her Facebook feed as well. (its all public, so my mate can see it all! She has been quite active these past few days, and has been talking about how she spent Friday night with her "love" )
You have helped me see, and clear my mind. I do wish things dint end the way it did, I would have liked to talk to her about it all. But what's done is done.
If I was talking to your personally about all this, I would be buying you a nice gift to show appreciation right now.
I hope you feel better soon by the way!
But, again, just be prepared to have her not letting you move on. You're going to have to pump your willpower muscles to Arnie-esque proportions. I mean - oh, yeah, sure, he's her "love" now. But so were you, eh. And look what happened down the line. So be prepared as she herself tries to stay prepared. Two months is nothing.
My CP stalked me for YEARS. But, then, you see, if one is too scared to throw themselves with true and honest abandon into a romantic relationship then, it's mightily handy to have a 'one that got away' to forevermore hanker after. After all, if you're too busy still attached and hankering, you're WHAT, NOW?, for a new relationship? That's right - unavailable.
As for me, I wouldn't accept anything but a tube of Smarties. I'm only 7, see. But precociously genius with it.
(My wrinkles made me say that.)
But I promise you - PROMISE you! In no time at all, you will be so damned grateful it ended the way it did. And so will your soulmate.
Visit us again some time. We like well-mannered, big-hearted peeps on here, Sam-I-Am.
I got a random call from her yesterday morning. But she hung up immediately. Then got a text saying "Sorry.. didn't mean to call. Was just looking at your photo.."
Later that day I text her saying that I was going to call later. And if she doesn't reply or answer then I'm done trying.
Got a reply saying "I will answer.. please know I never meant to hurt you."
When I called she actually did answer. And we talked for about an hour. About how I wish she had let me in, and talk to me about how she is feeling. Instead of blocking me and pushing me away. And I basically said that I cant do this any more, unless she was willing to talk to me, and not shut me out. "I cant promise that.. I don't want to hurt you any more, I cant keep hurting you."
We pretty much left it at that. It felt horrible saying that I need to "move on". But she accepted it.
And I at least got to talk to her about it.
In other news.. I may have already found someone ells.. Closer too.
I want to thank you, and this site again.
Without you I don't think I could have done what I have done yesterday.
So...I see... She dipped her bait-laden hook in your water, you swam up to it and WHOOP!, she took it away at the last minute. Common tactic. Means either that she isn't brave enough to take what in this case is her responsibility in being the one to lay her heart and ego on the line OR that she's doing it deliberately to manipulate you into doing her workload. My vote is the latter because, compare:
"Sorry...didn't mean to call"
"...I was just looking at your photo".
Well, unless your photo is a backdrop picture to her phone buttons, I fail to see how looking at your picture could cause accidental dialling, do you? She's playing games, trying to say, 'I misss yoooou...but I'm wishing I didn't', which leaves the unspoken bit as, I CAN BE PERSUADED ROUND IF YOU HAVE A MIND TO.
The game is Poker. And you're obviously quite good at it when you realise you have to be because that's 'then I'm done trying' was exactly the right attitude to flaunt and is a strong bluff. Little wonder, then, that her reaction was EEEK!
However, that she, quote, can't promise not to shut you out in future equates to her not wanting to hand over her Ace card. And if she doesn't want to hand it over, that can only mean she thinks she'll need or want to use it again at some point. So GOOD FOR YOU for having responded that you therefore needed to move on.
No, she didn't accept it. Your prior, total 'stillness' had already SAID you were moving on, and did she accept that? BIG, FAT "NO".
Told ya. She's going to keep dangling that carrot in front of you and isn't intending on stopping until she gets a safer than ever before relationship, known as, Master-Servant (her-you) because her last relationships were unsafe and she's damned if (and this is a typical post-splat reaction of the chicken) anyone is ever going to get one over on her and hurt her again!
Well, given that you've found someone new - I hope her sneaky little insurance-policy-manipulating tactic and she will be VERY happy together.
Saying that, if you're already serious about this new gal, you're going to have to sweep the ex from the decks for fear of her being able to threaten and stupify this next woman as well as distract you from the job at hand, meaning, this new relationship will be unnecessarily bumpy thanks to ex. Don't let her ruin things, block her numbers. At least then all that then remains open to her is driving by (which is easily enough to ignore).
I think you WOULD have done what you did yesterday, actually. It just would have taken you that bit longer to reach that stage, that's all. But again, your bravery is impressive and that's one of the most vitally main ingredients for being capable of succeeding a romantic relationship.
Ex, meanwhile, will first be gnashing her teeth followed, once ceding defeat, by crying you a river. So ultimately you're doing her a favour through her seeing that the solution to ending up hurt is NOT by making yourself the very Master type your ex was but by either more carefully picking the right person to begin with and/or GIVING IT YOUR ALL. So she can now go join her own stupid ex (and mine) on the "stupid exes pile", can't she. Look where being scared and allowing it to control HER got her: the very thing she was hell-bent on avoiding! What a dick. Still - boobs or willy, whichever - life's full of them.
You on the other hand, can come sit on the bench with us winners and would-be winners. My only advice to you would be to cease 'watching yourself' so closely and leave room on your radar for INCOMING signals because - dick or no dick - you don't want to miss any same such cue or hint that new gal might give out, do you....or you may as well set up a standing order with Interflora right now, LOL.
I felt horrible saying it.. but I needed to. I just couldn't let it continue like this. Especially as she openly said that it would possibly happen again. I'm not sure if I can stop worrying for her though.
It is a shame though.. She is a nice girl, who has had crap dumped on her most of her life. I do hope things work out for her, but that could only happen if she allows people to be involved.
And as for my new someone, I have no idea if she feels the same. But I think there could be something. Met her on an on-line dating site a week ago, and she messaged me first. 22 and lives much closer too. Since then we have been talking every day. And has even asked to meet me in the Easter holiday, which I happily agreed.
I'm just a little (well allot..!) anxious that Its going to screw up. But so far I think things are going OK.
Yes, it's sad. But you have a future to be getting on with working towards. Also, you don't know... At this closer-than-ever range, she might be a drama-maker. I mean, clearly her ex was (or was a sucker for it) because - look where he is. To have stayed with him, she must have got off on the drama as well (and vice versa), stands to reason. But that still equates to being either too scared or too immature (or both) to know what to do with a relationship other than moreover play silly b*ggers with it.... or possibly BORED, with this her only potential source of excitement and challenge (the warped way)? I mean, who are these people trying to kid?... They're more worried over the thought of intimacy than heartbreak and potentially dying without ever having known true romantic love? Yeah, right - pull the other leg, it's got bells on it!
Some of the time, it's just plain selfishness, not liking the thought of having to basically share everything with A N Other for the rest of their lives - from thoughts and feelings to the TV remote control. If they can manage to keep you forever at arm's length, they never have to, do they.
...Lots of reasons why people don't want to be heavily involved. But feeling sorry for them won't help them. They're not victims... only children and other genuine dependants like the mentally impaired can be that. They have to learn and thereby realise for themselves which side their bread's buttered on. Don't feel bad, therefore. Loss, once it reaches a critical quantum, is a great motivator for getting real, finally, meaning, you've ultimately done her a favour.
Also, after all of that, it's natural you'd be anxious. But remember, this new woman IS NOT THE EX (say it 10 times). Don't presume. Nor assume. NEVER assume. Men are too quick to do that, which causes them endless unnecessary problems. (I know it's in their base programme but SOME parts of ones nature have to be fought and kept under control.) Go into it with zero expectations on that score, but mucho hope... You've stepped up (by mentally having made a clear distinction between what you do and don't want as well as what you will and won't put up with and that improved mindset will have exuded from your every pore and coloured your whole modus operandi, including how you carry yourself and converse, as will have been what helped attract this new gal (and heavily, by the happy sounds of it!). In other words, she's undoubtedly far more your up-to-date counterpart.
Onwards and upwards! And, if you like, keep me posted as to its progress? I love happy endings, me.
I cant remember the rest, but it continued like that for a while. " I cant and don't want to hurt you, find someone who will make you happy.."
Since then I have had nothing. My mate tells me her Facebook is also blank and shes deleted me from Skype and Steam.
But onwards and upwards as you say!
I will try to keep you updated if you like. But as we are not meeting until the Easter holiday (Shes at uni in another city until she comes home for the holiday) there is nothing much to say at the moment.
Other than I am really trying to think positive. She messaged me, and asked to meet. So they must be good signs, right? But i keep getting negative thoughts creeping in. Like maybe this new lady friend is also just looking for a "distraction". That shes just passing time as she is bored ETC.
So far I do think things are OK. And I hope something comes of this. But then again I thought the same with the other girl.
Never mind mere 'upwards. TO THE STRATOSPHERE!
"She messaged me, and asked to meet. So they must be good signs, right? "
In one way, they're superb signs. In another, you need to watch that this woman doesn't think she Tarzan, you Jane, like too many of them do these days. I know that sounds archaic but, tough, it's still the way Nature wants it - hence that part of our brain wiring hasn't continued to evolve and hence all relationships that *begin* following that dance requisite are the ones that stand the best chance of making it. (I mean, *sneezing* is still a human behavioural reaction, but you wouldn't want to suppress or subvert *that*, would you (Bloodshot City).)
She can be the go-getter in the *commercial* arena. Not in the romantic, oh, no, not unless she wants you to end up right royally bored and turned off through lack of challenge (or, like you already are, wondering if she thinks it's okay to make a grab because it's just a distraction she's after). Think nut that comes already shelled and on a plate: where's the fun and gratification in that? The cracking is the bit that makes the nut taste the sweetest, isn't it. I suggest, therefore, that following the first date (if you like her), you ensure *you* issue the next invitation to meet. I mean, don't go overboard and, say, pick the restaurant rather than let her have an input, but you need to show her that the chasing and wooing portion of the whole process is moreover yours.
I'm sure it's NOT just distraction, just bad priming courtesy of the commercial world, because, as I said, your whole manner should now be giving off signs that you're ready for a proper relationship thus attracting counterparts. Furthermore, if she's had to give the meeting a forward date, that suggests genuine busyness rather than lack of things to do.
I think you need to think more about the *actions or lack of actions* underneath any blah-blah-blahs to see what the true situation always is. Actions don't lie, not if they're meaty ones or repeat and sustained ones that can affect any outcome. So I repeat: "can't meet for a few weeks" doesn't suggest time on one's hands aka boredom. It's the ones who are in a mad hurry you want to watch because usually it means they're trying to instate someone into the other side of the bed before it finishes going disturbingly cold (so to speak).
No, it looks good and you just need to 'grab the steering wheel' a bit more. She's probably just not used to being treated like a lady. Go on - surprise her until her underwear "WHOOPS!" falls off and her heart swoons into your pocket. LOL
"In one way, they're superb signs. In another, you need to watch that this woman doesn't think she Tarzan, you Jane, like too many of them do these days. I know that sounds archaic but, tough, it's still the way Nature wants it - hence that part of our brain wiring hasn't continued to evolve and hence all relationships that *begin* following that dance requisite are the ones that stand the best chance of making it. (I mean, *sneezing* is still a human behavioural reaction, but you wouldn't want to suppress or subvert *that*, would you (Bloodshot City).) "
I'm not doubting that she is busy, her saying "meet at Easter" never really concerned me. The thing that is concerning me, are thoughts of what the Ex did. And is she going to do the same? I know its stupid to think that this early on, but I cant seem to get it out of my head.
I defiantly think there could be something now, as the other day we were texting, and she said she was a little down. Told me how she's concerned that her uni mates already have teaching jobs, but nothing has been offered to her yet. I just said to give it time, and something will eventually show up.
She replied with "Thank you! I always enjoy talking to you. What day would you like to go out next week..?" Looks like I'm meeting her for pancakes and coffee Wednesday
"Go on - surprise her until her underwear "WHOOPS!" falls off and her heart swoons into your pocket. LOL"
That line had me in stitches..!
Dating, in order to pair bond, is the Tango. Being a go-getting career woman is the Waltz. She's been primed by the commercial world (or perhaps her career mother?), when waltzing, to lead like she's the man. Here you are, having (over the internet) started to cross the dance hall towards her, and out of habit, she's got up and walked across to meet *you* and then been the one to ask *you* to dance and started leading. And this is a common scenario nowadays. So you're in danger of ending up dancing in the woman's role and need to correct her by swapping arm and hand positions.
It's not a big deal and nor is it difficult to do, and has nothing to do with her *genuinely* being too busy until the Easter holidays hit. However, that busyness can be dealt with (read on)...
You probably could have taken the lead more with the ex, too. But that you possibly didn't/she didn't allow herself to be led is immaterial considering that relationship had the bigger problem of her having been actually OPPOSED to a proper relationship featuring deep commitment.
What I'm saying is, you can avoid OTHER problems or niggles if you start as you mean to go on (in line with what Nature has always and still dictates). And that includes you taking your God-given right to be the shaker-mover-initiator during this first phase of the whole bonding dance. Because, no, it's *not* automatic that you've gone and picked a carbon copy of your ex. It's the other way around, with you more likely to have gone for the *opposite* - the pendulum effect: didn't like left, going to swing overreactively to the right. If one is an emotionally dense type, it can sound like this: "Last girlfriend was good-looking and look what happened. This time I'm going for an unattractive bird, see if that improves matters". You think I'm kidding but, sadly, no - you'd be surprised how many men who are still reeling from their last break-up blame such idiotic things for why the relationship went splat. But you're not emotionally dense. You allowed yourself to be a bit self-distracted there whereby you missed a cue to be the ex's rock, granted, but in the end *that* proved not to have been the relationship's downfall, either. Other than that boo-boo you sound very emotionally in tune with matters, very emotionally mature and not the type given to, say, arrogance and "mantrums".
So here you are, *not* misattributing silly things like looks, yet obviously and naturally (given it's so soon) still that bit too confused about which behavioural characteristics represent clues to the woman not being as serious as she might initially allege about doing a proper, full relationship, and that creating a bit of anxiety in you.
No, I'm not worried, either, but this request to delay serves as a good example illustration anyway. If this new woman wanted to delay for 2 weeks+/- yet, say, worked in a local retail shop, meaning you could see no plausible reason for it, THEN you could worry that she was too hesitant to be healthy. But her situation, that she's explained, makes sense, meaning it's true; the delay isn't her choice but due to a practical constraint. Also, that she's confiding in you about a plausible, AGAIN, PRACTICAL, concern, doesn't make her the same type as your ex. It just means she's got your number (empathetic type).
So with those two things the case, what on EARTH makes you think she could be like the ex? (And if you now tell me it's because they're both Blondes, be warned I might actually climb through the monitor and bite your ankles!) (joke).
The answer to that is, NOTHING, basically. Just irrational fear with no basis of little signs and signals. That's natural. But you still have to ignore it. Only ACTUAL, MEANINGFUL signs and signals should concern you. And I repeat: that she thinks she's allowed to be as "see it - want it - ask for it" as a man is not an abnormal or big enough hurdle to success, particularly as you can too easily nip it in the bud.
If you take the reins, she'll feel out of her go-getting comfort zone for a bit. However, she *will* like it. Because every woman loves being treated like a goddess or queen. They don't even need to have ever experienced it in their entire dating career because it's buried deep in their base programme TO love it (as makes them increasingly yield). So they'll love it whether they like it or not, LOL, *and*, more importantly, will be going around telling their friends that they finally realise what it's like to be with a REAL MAN.
Put another way, it's one thing to be a feminist and bark at a man who "dares" open a door for her WHEN HE MEANS NOTHING TO HER. But you watch them go all girlie-blushy-giggly if the man who opens it for her is the man she's falling for. (Same goes for if he *doesn't* open it for her - suddenly the hardened feminist is stood there feeling strangely short-changed.) There's the difference that makes ALL the difference.
"No, let me get this [the bill].... Let me open that for you... I'll do it, you just relax...". And that's what nature wants because what he's meanwhile doing is showing off his provider-protector-fathering skills, leaving her in NO DOUBT that once she becomes incapable of taking care of herself because she's too busy taking care of the wee bairns, both she and they will survive and prosper VERY NICELY, THANK-YOU ("Whadda man!"). This is part of the process that makes her hand over her heart (and chastity belt) forever Amen. She, meanwhile - devoid of any manly, go-getting stuff to do - can show off only WHAT NOW? That's right - her kind, compassionate, patient, deeply emotionally intelligent and understanding skills, i.e. mothering capabilities, meaning the man knows that in future, whenever he's away hunting, his kids will get trained towards emotional and intellectual strength VERY NICELY, THANK-YOU (- "Whadda woman!"), which again, is part of the process that makes the man hand over his heart (and fidelity) forever Amen. So in summary, dad teaches them practical skills first and foremost, emotional second; mum teaches emotional skills first and foremost, practical second.
The truth is still this: women do not "fall" in love with men (where that falling is for real). Men work on them, melt their defenses, until the woman suddenly *realises* she's ended up in love with him. Berbom. At that point she starts doing her fairer share of "manly" wooing (initiating some of the invitations, making a few Night-Night calls, and so on)... because now comes the point where she needs to prove that if ever he's out of action, she can do his job as well as hers for a while. So if the woman's taking the initiative before he's even started to properly work on her, the fact she's falling in love is not to his credit. So to who's is it?! Her ex's? Her conscious impatience to be married with kids already? Some other reason that has nothing to do with the above psychological, nature-prescribed pairbonding process?
So that's why the wee warning to take the lead in starting as you mean to go on. As if you DO mean to go on, rather than split after a year or whatever, the pair of you.
If you manage to do this, to take manly charge during the very first phase of the dance (until the "I love yous" and plans to share your futures are safely under the belt), you'll find that the relationship feels so incredibly new and different to you, SO REASSURING, that any and all of your mere baggage-related fears will seem utterly ridiculous and will get put in the bin where they belong.
Doing it like Nature dictates is a COUNTER-MEASURE to baggage-related fears and anxieties, in other words.
And, being completely truthful, even IF the woman had come to you wanting only a bit of fun, nothing serious, yadder-yadder - you act like King Tarzan to Queen Jane and she'll fall in love with you and like it and want to marry you and sprog your kids even if she had *five* ex boyfriends literally still holding onto her ankles! And this one probably *does* have a recent ex (same as you). Because at your age/stage, Like attracts Like (including circumstances).
And that, my friend - exerting your manly powers of persuading via impressing - is exactly what you just instinctively did - to wit:
"I just said to give it time, and something will eventually show up. [like the boss, the rock, the one who's got her back]
[And because you did, ] She replied with "Thank you! I always enjoy talking to you. What day would you like to go out next week..?" Looks like I'm meeting her for pancakes and coffee Wednesday "
Her busyness was genuine yet note how that didn't stop her from (in her head) going, 'F*ckit, this and that important thing can damn well wait cos this one sounds like he could be a real diamond!'.
KEEP IT UP!
And by keep it up, I mean: if you fancy meeting her again, *like* the slightly bigger boss (at this stage), GET IN THERE WITH YOUR INVITATION BEFORE SHE CAN!
She'll soon realise she doesn't have to try to make things happen with this man (you) like she did the last (the lazy ex). "This time, I've got a REAL man!"
""Go on - surprise her until her underwear "WHOOPS!" falls off and her heart swoons into your pocket. LOL"
That line had me in stitches..!"
Because it's true.
[Rolls on floor at own joke]
The problem I have now is trying to keep the contact going, without annoying her or driving her away.
I don't think I have a "carbon copy" of my ex, I can see that this lady is completely different. (She has brown hair.. instead of blond!) But in my mind, I cant help but think that the same things are going to happen. I know its stupid to think that, but no matter what I do it never leaves my mind.
My ex was the only relationship I had ever been in, if you could have called it that. So I haven't really got much experience in the dating arena.
"And that, my friend - exerting your manly powers of persuading via impressing - is exactly what you just instinctively did - to wit:
"I just said to give it time, and something will eventually show up. [like the boss, the rock, the one who's got her back]"
I really didn't think about what I said there, it just came natural to me. I would have said that to anyone if they had spoke to me about anything like that.
I do plan on going through with this. After the first meet that is. It might be me being naive but I do think there could be something good here. I think I just need to stop listening to my head, and see how things go.
However, consider this: It's quite possible that Fate/Life/God (whatever you want to call it) has noticed your social instincts could do with improving (for the sake of your future prosperity) thus has sent you motivation that finally is great enough to make you want to do so. It must, therefore, know something you don't (that you taking charge more would make her swoon for the first time ever?). So maybe this is your perfect opportunity to begin practising, starting with baby steps?
Here's a little inside tip for you: If the chemistry is great enough, then, short of whatever extreme of faux pas, you cannot put a foot wrong. Love is the drug and we're all addicted users. If the drug is top-notch, you'll overlook the fact it can give you a morning-after head. (And you know that's true - think alcohol...and that's a LESSER drug!). The irony is, however, that WITH the drug being premium calibre, you tend NOT to make meaningful faux pas. Or faux pas aren't seen as such because - being on the exact same wavelength (as creates chemistry both mental and physical) - you each automatically know where the other was coming from.
Win/win. All you need is love (chemistry). Oh, and having been "raised proper". Voila! That's it! The so-called incompatibilities - short of being VERY extreme - are overlooked or worked around or even coloured as an advantage or bonus. You don't even need experience. All of your millions of ancestors had the experience and that knowledge became assimilated and then to whatever degree duplicated within your chromosomes. It'll come naturally (again - IF you have chemistry enough to send you on a high). Otherwise, please explain to me in 50,000 words or less, married childhood sweethearts. (Gotcha!) And also, explain how you instinctually spoke like you had her back in spite of said lack of experience or any conscious pre-formulation (gotcha again!).
So if the chemistry is indeed high - I'd like to see you *try* driving her away.... good luck with that one! LOL
Re your fears: Feel the fear but do it anyway. Be aware of the fears, bear in mind their abject necessity (bonding aids), thus disempower and overall ignore the little b*ggers. She'll have her own, anyway = level playing field.
I don't think you're being naive. I may not have access to her but I can hear and feel your internal goings-on and they say, BULLSEYE!
Understand, you have an entire pool of soulmates, not just one. Your mission is to find "the" best (for you) in amongst them. (Best means she who aside from Right Person (and Right Place) is also Right TIME (i.e. ripe and ready, finally, to do a for-real relationship). So this really isn't a situation you can lose at because, that she's apparently one of them proves you've hit the right pool, meaning, if you did splat, it would now be only a short matter of time before you got around to picking "The" One of The Ones.
You really can just relax and enjoy this! Including the nervous excitement. Especially that, in fact.
I guess ill know more in a few days time, when i get to meet her. So far there hasnt been much more development.
If you like i will update again once we have met.
Thank you again, heres hoping that something happens. And if not, then its still been good.
Send her a little text. Men normally tend to do this ergo so should you, because it illustrates a sense of date-protection thus territorialism and partner-protectiveness, by which I mean this: if you keep yourself at the forefront of her mind, no other ugger that might between now and the date sniff around her will even get noticed. Her 'radar room staff' will be too busy monitoring her INTERNAL goings-on to register any external incoming signals, like a bloke's pass at her.
Secure the date. It's secure anyway, but - *highly* typical female gripe - at least your silence won't set HER worrying about whether the date is set in stone or whether you might fail to turn up or bail out at the 11th hour (whittle-whittle).
Even if it's just a 'funny'. WHAT you say is largely unimportant compared to the action itself. But if on the Monday you've booked a date for the Saturday, text her Wednesday. After the second date, assuming a third has been fixed, you increase the sign of territorialism to suit, i.e. actually CALL her (and make it 8.30-9pm-ish because that time of night speaks so many positive volumes).
'If I like'. LOL, you're right, you do have trouble reading people. Are you not noting the actions beneath any words and surface actionettes? The action here, is - I'm still here and still responding. Yes?
Tell me this, though: did it at all OCCUR to you to interim text her / did you wish you could?
And i have been texting still. Little 'Hows things?' here and there. Without going over the top. I get replys but there usualy short, but we have still been talking.
I dont want to go over board and potentialy drive her away by the amount im texting. But after the furst meet, if things seem good i will make the effort, and try to get another meet.
She is only back in town for 3 weeks, then back to uni for 6 weeks. So im hoping i can make enough of an impression in tbese 3 weeks.
Try to whittle it down a bit, now... inject a 'long' gap between your last text and when you next text. What you want is her just SLIGHTLY startled and anxious about why the sudden, uncharacteristic silence... anxious as in, it now, finally, crossing (as in tip-toeing) her mind about whether you'll be there on Wednesday or whether you've forgotten she's packing and thereby been discouraged by her lack of lengthier engagement. Don't go AWOL for very long; the aim is not to be unkind and sadistic, here...just to jolt her a little, which emotion will then get fast replaced with relief when you then re-appear (and apologise and present some legit excuse for the lull). Think CURIOUS meerkat, not frightened and over-alert. Think, also, childhood game of "Saved You!", where, grabbing a friend by the upper arms from behind, you jerk them forward as if going to push, but immediately pull them back again (yelling, Saved ya!). It's a great little bonding mechanism...cheaper than taking them on a rollercoaster, LOL. *Don't* overuse it, though, because greedy overuse of such tactics are precisely what takes one from harmless and intriguing Thriller to nasty, selfish Player.
'I am predictable and consistent [tick!] but not enough to be boring...steady yet at the same time intriguing [tick!]', will be the message.
So, to re-cap - just a tiny little jolt to get her to miss you and whittle and worry a bit. Furthermore, the more relieved she is that (in her mind only) "the date's back on", the more she'll look forward to it.
Oh, and *definitely* do not text her tonight, on a Sat night of all nights, if you can manage it. I don't care whether you're washing your hair or pickling your bunions - YOU ARE OUT WITH YOUR MATES TONIGHT. So there's your perfect opportunity to go AWOL-ette. If then she texts *you* (which I imagine she will, given she's a tad still in control-freak mode), wait 20 minutes and then, in your brief-ish response (brief *or* comprised heavily of text shorthand, doesn't matter which), mention you're out with your mates (and name those puppies to make it sound convincing as well as to reassure).
If you really can't manage that, and she and you get to have a convo tonight, instead ensure to drop into the exchange the 'fact' you were DETERMINED to stay in tonight, reason being, you've been out sooo much the last couple of months that only the thought of a night on the sofa with a takeaway/whatever and some good telly appealed. Make *her* want to be part of your Saturday nights, be they rip-roaring or chilled, by showing her you can do manly *and* occasionally girlie (might even agree to a RomCom, LOL). Then you won't ever have to suggest or settle for a Wednesday night date. Wed night or daytime is fine for this early point in the proceedings, but the next one should ideally be on a Lover's Night (Fri/Sat/Sunday daytime).
(But - future tip - don't ever be a tw*t trying to pre-tell a woman you like watching RomComs (unless it's true, of course) because none of them ever believe you, no matter WHAT they say or tell themselves at the time. She also has to know in future that if you watch a romcom, it's you doing it for *her* because you care about her and want to please her....because she's a goddess. "I can share and compromise" is the message.)
Last tip: if Wed's date goes stormingly and you can see she's into you, DO *NOT* try to play it cool by waiting 3 days before you contact her. You don't NEED such petty plates of armour because YOU UM BRAVEST HUNTER, HMPH! If the feelings, mutually, were so apparently overboard then your behaviour should correspondingly confirm it, in order to communicate that you're so fixated on how into her you are you're INCAPABLE OF OR HAVE FORGOTTEN to play the usual games. Mutineered by Cloud 9.
So it's this: I'm keen, I'm keen, I'm very keen, WHOOPS, SAVED YA!, I'm even keener, even keener.... WHOOPS, SAVED YA!.... Rollercoaster ride. *No-one* can resist one of those....except for the kinds of limp lettuce leafs you don't want to end up saddled with anyway. Just try to picture how your standard, fun and thrilling yet not terrifying rollercoasters are laid out... emulate it... and you're halfway there already, no matter whether you're under-talkative, wear a bit too much cologne...whatever. It's *actions* that maketh the man. Actions, actions, actions, actions, ACTIONS. But then you point them out with your mouth 5 seconds later - to bring them firmly onto the over-conscious talk-talk merchant's radar.
This theme is all about BALANCE and managing to strike that fine line or near as damnit.
If, alternatively, you can see from Wed that she's more than keen - utterly gagging - and so are you, then, ignore the above instructions and just do it all that way naturally and instinctually. Because without fear in the mix at that time - instinctually, correctly, you will.
Oh, wait - one last VERY important, 'secret' tip (bit personal, sorry about that), and it's a golden one: Do not, whatever you do, use soap under your arms on the morning. It's rub with water only, then SMALL squirt of antiperspirant/deoderant. Your chemistry comes inclusively out in your sweat, and women 'smell' you/it - PSYCH *FACT* now official. So you don't want that micro-molecular signalling system to be at its weakest. Again - BALANCE: not whiffy, not sterile and a-sexual. Definitely a MANNNN!
Still not as vocal as before,but i guess this may be due to her being home from uni. Being with family and such. But, just 2 days untill i see how things are. Must say im very nervous. Much more than i ever have been before.
I can see the logic in doing this "texting game" feels a bit wrong though.
Thanks for the tip. Ill will be doing that then. Never heard of that one before.
I never got a chance to read what the other person put. So consider it ignored.
There we go - almost right on cue! But listen to how she STILL thinks she's the one who should initiate all the time? Ideally, your response should have been along these lines: "Well, it was my onus to text you, really, only I was up against it too, so no need to apologise, the apology is all mine. " What DID you respond? If it wasn't akin to that, note it and use it next time.
A male mate of mind once said, 'When are these women going to realise that in the beginning, all they have to do is TURN UP AND LOOK FEMININE AND BE NICE?!'. I said, 'When civilised society, specifically all forms of commerce, cease'. He replied, 'Aw, shuddup, you'...but that's another story, LOL.
Nerves are a very good sign. Shows this is important to you. Feel free to say you are on the date, only pepper it with humour and taking the p*ss out of yourself and the state itself to show her you're capable of keeping your head regardless (the panic-stricken don't MAKE jokes, note).
Feels a bit animal, you mean... a bit RARRR!. Well, that's the stage you're at. Showing off your animality. Then quickly comes showing off your spiritual, "serfistikaytid" side as well. Your objective is to reveal those two sides together in order to communicate how you can be brave and courageous when it's required but soft, gentle..basically empathetic and intelligent at all other times (you know how to handle guns *and* babies - capiche?). That combo makes women MELT. Hence Rambo also cried....and why war-film directors show the big manly, fatally-shot soldier crying out 'Mummyyy!' as he takes his last breaths.
"Iiiiiii'm e-veryy wo-maaan [your case, man], it's all in-a meeeeeeee...Any-thing..you want done babyy, I'll do it naaa-t'ra-llyy-yyy".
No, course you haven't heard of that one before. It goes against the greedy agendas of the deoderant and perfume industry, doesn't it (ker-ching, ker-ching!). According to THEIR logic, no-one ever hooked up and sh*gged before soap was discovered. Beats me how any of us are even HERE, then! LOL
(It was spam. We dunlike spam, Sam-I-Am.)
She said at the end that she would be happy to meet up again. And i was too. So the next day i text her saying i would love to meet up again, but I haven't heard anything back.
So i imagine she thought differently and was just being polite.
But no matter, It was still a nice day. I would have loved for things to have advanced. But in the end I reckon it was possibly for the best.
She said (when you were still face-to-face) she'd be happy to meet up again BEFORE you'd even mentioned a second date? Or in RESPONSE to your mentioning it?
The next day I messaged her saying I would like to meet again, but since then I haven't had a reply or anything back. Until today. Got a message from her saying "Hey, hope things are OK. I want you to know that I have been seeing other people from the site too, and things kind of advanced. So it would be unfair for me to continue like this. Would love to stay friends, and I wish you all the best."
Here's the good news: she obviously felt she needed to 'experience' you before she could be sure about this other chap. And you liked her. So all in all, that's yet another indication of how you're "this" close!
Get back on the dating site pdq! Ms Right is looming nearer!
It is a shame, she was a nice girl. I would have loved to have swwn how things went.
Since ive gone back on the site, ive already been messaged by someone. And we have been talking quite well. She messaged me the same night i re opened my account.
27, self employed web developer. Lives with family and looks after her gran parents. Aparently very shy and quiet.
We seem to have a few things in common, and we both have decided to meet Thursday. So we will see how that goes.
(50p, please. )
This Thursday, eh?
So let's use this time to hone your art of identifying a good'un in record time: What differences have you managed to note between what she's like in terms of things in common with you *and* pre-date behaviour and those of Little Miss (Cough!) Busy?
I'll start you off:
1. She's keener (if still as control-freakish) because she
- messaged you the same night;
- and must have been *waiting* for you to re-appear to have acted so instantly;
- set a fairly early date.
2. (over to you...)
And also sorry, as you have me a little lost im afraid..!
I was offering you the chance to learn how to, even at emailing stage, instantly discern a diamond or diamond-in-the-rough in amongst the general dating-site melee, through examining which characteristic sounds and behaviours suggest/reveal whatever states of readiness for a proper relationship. If, you see, one can "dump the duds" that much sooner, sometimes even before bothering to arrange the first date, then, likewise, finding one or the best of your soulmates will obviously happen that much faster.
Sifting through the 'lucky dip' barrel for your perfect partner (emphasis always on 'your') is just one of a multitude of standard human developmental processes and although processes should be allowed to take their natural course in terms of not cutting corners, whereby failure inevitably results, there *are* legitimate and acceptable ways of speeding up the process towards success, if you know how.
...Assuming you'd be up for that? If not, no worries.
Good luck for today/tonight, and let me know how it goes!
We met each other the other day. Things seemed MEGA awkward to begin with. She is very quiet, but really nice.
Once we did get talking things were amazing. We did have times where we couldnt seem to talk, but they were few.
Walked around town center, and had a couple costa coffees and some Ikea Meatballs for lunch. She never had them before and loved them.
At the end, we both said we would love to see each other pretty much at the same time.
So i saw her again yesterday. Went for a long walk around a park.
Again very quiet, but it was never awkward. I definatly feel a connection here. And i think she does too. At the end of the day, she kissed me, got in her car and went home. Not before agreaing to meet again tomorrow.
Since the first meet, we have been in constant contact. Have even played a couple online games together.
And as for your offer, sorry i didnt pick up on it, but anything you can teach me ill happily learn.
You have already helped me so much, cant thank you enough.
Although I'm not sure I even needed to say that since your first date has somehow failed to end! LOL Nuff said!
Don't thank me, just go around infecting everyone in your environment with your new-found joyousness.
One important tip: if you're going to go faster than average then you likewise have to watch and note (and mark out of 10) faster than average. It's like driving when high on drugs, in other words (not that you'd ever do that). You've got to pay greater attention than normal to what's going on all around and on the road ahead (mid-distance focus is best for better road-positioning and pre-empting/prevention). That's the way to ensure you greatly enjoy the journey *and* stay safe.
Other than that - WOOHOO! *Definitely* keep keeping me posted! I'll teach you as you go, if you like. It's always better to learn 'on the job' anyway... sinks in better, lessons get assimilated almost immediately.... plus, then I get to hear all the juicy bits. LOL
Bet you're feeling like you slept with a coathanger in your mouth, aren't you, heh-heh.
She wanted to meet me at mine, and go somewhere from there. So she turned up and we decided to go for a nice long walk around a park again. Which was great. Again, times of silence but there was defiantly no awkwardness. About half way through the walk we sat down for about half an hour, talked for a bit. Things like how long she was on the site and I was came up. Past etc. After which we started to head back but this time she was very close to me. Walking much closer than usual. I wasn't sure why, until she grabbed my hand.
I cant describe it, It just felt right. I couldn't believe how happy I felt, and she also mentioned the same.
Then decided to go back to mine and watch a couple TV shows/play some games. Not that much of that happened.. As while we was watching TV things kinda, .. escalated.
Without going into detail, it again felt right. I feel a very strong connection to her, more than I've ever felt with anyone (including ex).
Not sure if I'm going to far, but its what I feel.
Unfortunately I'm back at work now, so I cant see her as often as I would like. But she said she will be visiting me again Wednesday evening, "And nothings stopping me"
Not sure about you two having done the deed so soon. But then I'm not exactly UN-sure, either. It all depends on the individuals concerned and how they react afterwards, i.e. whether they think they've taken a ruddy great short-cut, meaning, suddenly you're steadies, meaning, you start relaxing and taking liberties too soon. As long as you both bear that in mind, it shouldn't be a problem. I know a lot of people believe it is but, just like guns don't kill (people kill *using* a tool for negativity instead of positivity), you can't blame intimacy itself. In fact, *all* of my long-term exes, bar one, were those I'd only intended to have protracted one-night-stands with and it was *because* I had zero expectations beyond the act that they insisted on seeing me again (and again), which I didn't object to, considering the physical side hadn't disappointed. And then, before I knew it, I'd grown attached... reluctantly at first until I'd 'caught up'.
With husband-stroke-definitive soulmate, after the initial 1-hour chat on meeting for the first time, we had a marathon first date (12 hours) followed by a super-marathon first date (24 hours) (LOL, am laughing at myself as I type this, btw, remembering how the poor barman had to stay serving until 7am the next morning), followed by another 24-hourer whereupon we basically 'gave in' to what we'd been trying desperately *not* to do since the day of bumping into each other. Again, that goes *against* the so-called rules (and we'd wanted to play it by-the-book for that very reason). So what would people say was the reason it cemented things rather than ruined them? The answer is, as I say, all about attitude and keeping respect as well as maintaining normal boundaries and etiquettes *outside* of the bedroom. That's the secret... what happens in 'Vegas' *stays* in Vegas until the rest of the relationship has caught up to the same page. Sense? So if one knows oneself well enough to know one *can't* compartmentalise like that, one should stick to the book. However, even if one does go against the book and can't quite cope with that sudden closeness, there are always tons of canny yet flattering and respectful ways of then slowing the relationship back down again if you know how. Nothing human-created is irreversible.
Enough about theory... You're saying she said nothing was going to stop her visiting you this Wed eve?? Wow! Are you admitting the fact that you two have fallen head-over-heels and aren't even being coy about acknowledging that fact to one another???
But as i mentioned before, it kind of advanced.
We talked for ages after, turns out i was her first. She doesnt regret what happend, and neither do I.
I dont believe we are going to fast. If you think we are, I would be very happy for any advice.
We do talk alot, and have questioned if were going to fast. She doesnt believe we are either.
And yes. She said she really wants to visit again. And Im not afraid to admit, i think we have.
(ps. I apologise now for spelling. Typeing from my phone!)
1. HAVE you 'slept with a coathanger in your mouth'?
2. Do you intermittently throughout the day feel like hugging yourself and Hee-Hee-ing like an idiot?
3. Are you finding it hard to concentrate on anything but thoughts of her and she & you?
4. Do you feel like helping little old ladies cross the road or doing other, selfless, altruistic acts?
5. When you revisit the bedroom bits, do you get turned-on all over again?
As per the driving under the influence analogy, there's no such thing as too fast if, as you go, you're still taking proper care too fast as well. Speed it ALL up, not just the fun, perks parts. That's all there is to it. I should know. Husband and I metaphorically speaking ran a marathon at a sprinting pace. We were KNACKERED by the end of the first year...but ecstatic. And then we just got used to that pace, it became our normal. Ours is a very high maintenance relationship IN A GOOD WAY - give a lot and do a lot, get a lot and get done to a lot... Our normal.
Look at it another way: other relationships between other people could be said to be too slow. Whatever pace you two individually and jointly are HAPPIEST at is the right pace. Okay?
Understand, this is just the first phase. When the 2-3 month mark hits, you might GET slowed down - by typical disagreements and arguments and doubts (Wobbles) starting to creep back in as the 'high' settles a little - or FEEL like slowing down (protractedly or for a wee while, a little breather). So you might only be fantastic, speed-freak, *first*-flush partners. Probably not, though, not with this amount of chemistry in the mix. Liken it to a drugs' addiction: within reason (anything that doesn't threaten your physical and psychological welfare), you'll do anything, give anything, forgive anything, sacrifice anything to ensure you keep getting that amazing hit. The elements are  A1 chemistry and  having been "brung up right" or having the intelligence to make your own corrections if not, and  innate plus taught outlooks and behaviour matching or being compatible. Berbom. Succeeding an intense relationship is not as hard as people try to make out it is. They're just making excuses because they didn't dare go there or go all the way.
One step at a time, one PHASE at a time. This is the FIRST phase. Mark out of 10, Phase One: apparently 10! We'll judge the second phase once you hit it. Or NOT if it turns out you don't even need a guide. You may not.
Exciting stuff, eh! Welcome to the gateway to my bloody lovely world.
1. I'm not sure I get this question, but I'm guessing its asking if I've been smiling allot more. And the answer is yes.
2. Not really no..! But I have often found myself just sitting there, and having a small chuckle to myself at the thought of her.
3. Yes. Very much so. It seems to be all I can think about. (she has too mentioned that I'm on her mind allot.)
4. Last time I tried to help someone across the road, I got accused of trying to mug them! But I do try to help people when I can.
5. Bit weird to say, but yes, often.
I understand that this could still very much be the "Honeymoon" phase. But I cant deny what I am feeling right now.
I'm very much looking forward to the next phase, Whatever and whenever that may be.
PS: As I type this, got a message from her saying "I cant wait until Wednesday, so I'm coming down tonight. Hope that's OK?"
Course you're in the Honeymoon phase. But you start as you mean to go on, don't you, so - excellent start. The best, actually. In fact, if she's so openly saying that kind of thing, if she feels that incredibly uninhibited (tick!) when it comes to disclosing to you exactly how she feels and to what extent, I'm thinking that the fact of you two having experienced love at first-to-second sight is one that has already been somehow brought out from under the table and plonked squarely ATOP it, (tick!), meaning you yourself have been talking and behaving that unbridledly as well! Excellent level of honesty, the pair of you. I.e, excellent team spirit! That's the winning formula RIGHT THERE!
Onwards and upwards, then! Looking forward to your next update.
We had a fantastic evening Tuesday. Didn't do much, just stayed in and "chilled". Watched some TV as she didn't have long to stay.
With me working and her looking after her family, I think we got spoilt a bit while I was off work for Easter.
She didn't want to leave, The next morning I got a message from her "Cant believe I miss you so much already" And to be honest, I feel exactly the same.
Again since then we have talked none stop via text. She came down again yesterday evening, and I am planning to go to her area tomorrow afternoon. Decided we are going for a picnic in a park. Spend all day in the sun on the grass.
I believe the reason we have moved so fast/are so close already, is due to the fact we met on-line. Since the first message I got from her we have talked constantly. She too believes the same.
I really look forward to seeing her again tomorrow. I honestly cant think of anything ells I would rather do. Side note, I have to say I'm a little warn out..!
Well, getting the introductions out of the way would have helped but.. not that much. You'd be surprised how many website daters SEEM to be hitting it off in the emails, and even over the phone, but then, come the actual date, it's this: "SO-wummmmmm.......What's your favourite colour?". :-p (One damp squib of a bloke actually said that to me - after 5 full minutes of silence mixed with monosyllables - and I was soooo tempted to reply, 'Not your face'. I didn't, though. I woz brung up proper, I woz. But, this hot on the heels of a stream of witty email banter, I was very disappointed...felt quite duped, actually.) So I think it's truer to say the reason you've moved so fast is because she has chemistry type XrY225.78a and you have chemistry type XrY225.78b (where as that chap and I had ZERO), i.e. you fancy the PANTS off of each other which means you'd make SUPERB new little human beans. Top-notch chemistry is literally the foundation, without which you don't have a sound and sturdy building, let alone a multi-storey one (or in your case, hopefully a skyscraper).
You wait, "Sonny Jim".. You think the phee-phoo is good now? You don't know the half of it! When the chemistry and personality compatibility is THAT premium, eventually to keep calling it ess ee ex feels a bit like calling Jesus 'some bloke in sandals'. Not that how's yer father is the be all and end all. But it's a damn good litmus, oh, yes. That and being able to yabber raptly together about seemingly nothing-yet-everything for hours on end or enjoy watching paint dry, just because you get to snuggle as you do so.
One tip: Next time, try to pip her to the post with the mushy-gushy email because she seems to be doing all the initiating so far. Not that it's a bad thing if you like it that way and so does she. But there *might* come a point where she regains her awareness a bit more and thinks, Hang on a cotton pickin' minute? ...unless it's just that you're more comfortable disclosing on here what she does and says rather than you yourself?
PS: Don't forget to eat as well as sleep.
Anyway - excellent, keep updating! Not least because it's nice to have a deliriously happy face around these 'ere parts.
We really did just chill, honest. For about half the time..
We seem to either talk about, literally anything. Or just sit in each others company quietly. Both of which are great to me, as I do not feel awkward in any way. and neither does she.
Before we met up on the Saturday, I was "kidnapped" by my mates for a random gathering at his house. Pizza/games that kind of thing. He lives quite close to her. So I was going to message and ask if she would like to meet up for an hour or 2. But before I could send she asked me the same thing.
In the end she actually offered to come pick me up from my mates, drop me off at the station and wait with me.
The Saturday picnic was, again great. Spent pretty much all day in the sun, sitting on the grass. After which we decided to go back to hers, where I was surprised with a random "Meet the folks" meal. (She lives with family and they insisted)
Spent all evening with her in her room, (Nothing happened!) just watching TV and played a couple levels on a game.
Was time for me to go home, and she waited at the station with me again. Seemed allot harder to say goodbye this time..
Just after I got home, I wrote exactly how I felt in a message. That I believe I'm falling for her. Pretty much instantly I noticed she was writing too, but I sent my message anyway. Not 1 second after I got one back with about the same length as mine, saying exactly the same.
"I can't believe how lucky I feel. I am very happy to be falling for someone like you"
Saw her again Sunday evening. We went for a meal with my family this time, and after went back to mine and, again chilled.
Every time we meet, it seems really hard to have to leave. There has been times when she is over at mine and she doesn't want to go. Hasn't staid the night yet, she is a little uneasy with that fact. Not sure how or what her family would think. But she wants to.
She has told me that this is all new to her, and she still getting used to the idea. And so is her family. As she has never really showed much interest in doing things like this. Has usually just staid in her house.
I have sent my share of "Mushy" emails. But pretty much every time I do, I either get a reply of the same nature. Or I'm beaten to the punch with her email. I just haven't thought about talking on what I have been doing.
"Just after I got home, I wrote exactly how I felt in a message. That I believe I'm falling for her. Pretty much instantly I noticed she was writing too, but I sent my message anyway. Not 1 second after I got one back with about the same length as mine, saying exactly the same.
"I can't believe how lucky I feel. I am very happy to be falling for someone like you""
Woah! Perfect! And well done you! *And* the rest!
Do you know this song? :
"I'm... sticking with you
'Cause I'm..made out of glue
Anything that you might do
I'm ...gonna do too"
Thass you 'n your girlfriend, thariz.
"We really did just chill, honest. For about half the time.."
Anyway - at least for the time being - uck the rulebook. You two clearly have a chemical pull that transcends it; you're obviously both operating purely on unimpeded, non-hampered, animal instinct...and your feet always know what they're doing, don't need *any* conscious interference whatsoever. Never did. It's only if ever something seems to be going amiss that it helps to consult it, and then only because anxiety triggers your Fight Or Flight lizard brain as temporarily kidnaps and locks intellect in the understairs cupboard.
"Seemed allot harder to say goodbye this time.. "
Oh, yeah, baby - you wait! A month from now you'll both be blubbing your faces off, clinging to one another like baby Rhesus monkeys!...just because one of you needs to go to the loo for 5 minutes. ROFL!
Let's sing it together... "Ah shee..treeeeeeesh of Greeeen....Red roshesh tchoooooo....Ah shee them blassham.....for meee an' yoooou.......An' Ah think to ma..seeelf.....
TAKE IT AWAY, VILDAR!
Since the last time, we have seen each other, ALLOT more. Almost every day so far. Couple hours each day.
Spent all weekend with her last week, which was fantastic. She stayed over the Saturday night. Things feel great.
The other day was possibly the best so far. After I got to hers, we had a nice meal with her and her family again. After the meal we went for a walk in the park (seems to be our thing!) found a bench and sat down. After about 5 mins she turned round and told me (after some awkward wording) that she loved me. I was over the moon.. as I feel exactly the same. I had been wanting to say it for a while, and so was she.
I know its not been long, but everything feels right with her. I don't like being apart.
There is an issue that I'm having some trouble with though..
Whenever I think about her in my head, No matter what it may be. Now and then the ex's name pops in, and replaces hers.
I have no idea why, I don't think about her any more, and I don't have any feelings for her. but she just keeps popping in. Never while we are together though.
1. A LOT
...Well, what ELSE am I supposed to do but correct your English in the absence of any problems of any sort? LOL
As for the flashbacks? Normal. And healthy. Your mind is doing nothing more ominous than comparing the most recent ex at 1 month in then 2 months in (and so on) against new girlfriend at 1 then 2 months, etc. That's HOW you know everything is "fantastic".
Well, if she dared be the one to say I Love You first, you must make her feel nicely snug and secure. Good! That's the way to do it! That way, her mind is without obstacles when it comes to attaching to you in record time. NOT record time, actually. The time it USED to take human beings before they got bogged down with over-fast modern lifestyles. Normal/natural.
(Now SING, DAMN YOU!!! lol)
Since the "L Bombs" Things have been great, We are spending more time together, more time at each others houses.
I have even met the family. To which apparently they all approve.
There are just a couple nagging problems I have at the back of my head..
1. This might just be me being stupid, and being a man. But when we.. "get together" I feel I'm not .. providing enough. If that makes sense. I know its not all about that, and even she has said not to worry so much about it. But I cant seem to help it.
2. Im often always thinking that she is bored/upset/doesn't want to be here when we are watching tv/movie, out for a walk etc.. again that could just be me over reacting.
3. Not much a problem, just an interesting news item.
The ex texted me. Asking am I ok, that I've been on her mind past few days and she needed to ask if I was ok. I replied, that I'm good, and asked how she was. Little bit of exchanges like "I'm glad your ok, and have found someone ells..."
After that, nothing more came through. So I deleted the text.
Now is about the time for nagging problems to start coming in (or it is when you speed the whole process up like you two have been doing) so I wouldn't worry about that.
1. Not providing enough of *what*? Are you saying that she's taking the more proactive role in bed as is forcing you to be more passive than you're used to?
2. What thing or things specifically make you worry she's bored, etc?
3. OH. Typical ex. It's called, I haven't found anyone to replace you (yet) so am wondering if you'll let me take you back out of the toybox (for a while), seeing as how crazy over me you were and must still be. Hence your divulging you were in a new and happy relationship was the very thing that made her wander off again.
It's Right Person, Right Place, Right TIME. She HAD her chance and poo-ed all over it. Glad you've not let her poo all over yours and girlfriends' just because she was at a loose end and looking for a distraction. But I *will* discombobulate you and have you examining new gf that bit too closely and anxiously just in case you can spot and sneak preview any little tips of red flags that might justify your worrying about whom between the two is truly your best bet. New gf is. And you do know that. But it won't stop a tiny part of you being less sure.
Remember what you should be doing: comparing each week or month in turn with new gf side by side with what each week or month was like with old girlfriend. If you do that, I'm sure you'll be able to tell there's absolutely no contest.
1. I don't feel as if I'm good enough for her. I am not exactly .. experienced or know what I'm doing half the time. That and I feel I don't last as long as I could. Might just be me being stupid. As she has said she doesn't care about that.
2. I am not sure why I think that. But its just always at the back of my mind whenever we are together doing something. More when we are just sitting watching a film, or just relaxing together after walking for a bit on a bench.
3. So far, I see no contest. New GF has made me so happy, more than I actually thought possible.
Every day just seems to get better and better. I never want to leave when we are together.
Everything feels right.
There is one thing I would like to know.
Why is it things feel as if they have been MUCH longer than they actually have. Both she and I feel like it has been months we have been together. When in reality its only been 1 and a half.
1. Maybe the fact you're not overly experienced is something she sees as a huge bonus for the simple fact that you don't come with all these hard-grained habits that you have to then start to discard/she has to then undo? Certainly if she's saying she doesn't care about that and at the same time is *doing* 'I don't care about that' (which clearly she is), then, yes - what's to worry about? Furthermore, how do you know she herself doesn't lack experience?
Took Mr Soulmate a good 6 months to 'last longer'. I took it as a compliment in that I and 'my powers' stripped him of his normal ability to self-control as well as made him feel like an amateur (mutual). And he *was* experienced. So there you go - it has nothing to do with prior practise and all to do with your level of excitement with that one, very special-to-you person. [Insert Madonna's "Like A Virgin"]
2. If you've no confirmatory verbal or behavioural signs or signals coming from without that you can point to then it's clearly just another perfectly natural, bog-standard anxiety that, over time, will dissipate through superfluousness to requirements.
It's natural to have the sorts of worries that could have a bearing on the longevity of the relationship. You've found your "good thang", obviously wouldn't want to lose it and are trying to 'head off at the pass' anything that could possibly cast it asunder if allowed to remain undealt with. Doesn't sound like that's even a consideration thus far. Sounds like you're just not used to a more chilled and contented type of woman during those named activities.
3. Say it with me: "I'm head-over-heels in love!".
4. Lots of reasons: You and she already felt an initial recognition, since when you've bonded to the degree that normally would take months, given normal rates and intensity of interaction, meaning you're measuring time using depth of feelings; because your genes and hers hail originally (way way back) from the same pool (hence the sense of recognition); plus time flies when you're having fun. Furthermore, define 'talking': if whilst chilling and saying nothing, you and she are holding or caressing each others' hands and/or hugging, etc. whilst soaking up each others' vibes then you're actually "saying" an awful lot, far more than could ever be exchanged in the same timeframe via mere speech.
It's highly common for couples newly in love to say they feel like they've known each other for years. Mr SM and I felt like that right from the very first moment we met, meaning, along with the usual mental and physical attraction was something new and never before experienced: a quiet but powerfully noticeable mutual fascination and intrigue. And here's something "well weird": he and I have the exact same hand shape with virtually identical markings/creases (shpookayyy!).
(PS: The ex didn't try very hard, did she, note.
We have so far seen each other every day for 30 days straight. Might have been only a couple hours in the morning sometimes as we are leaving each others house for work and stuff. But it has been every day. I do find it hard to sleep when she is not next to me now too. Used to be that I Couldn't sleep with her beside me. Sounds odd I know.
There have been a few nights where we had planned to watch or do something, but ended up just talking all night about random things. Most of the time its about us, and what we want in the future. It seems we have both been thinking and planning about moving in together at some point down the line. I'm not sure if it is too soon to think that, but I honestly can not wait for it to happen. She says I have changed her life, before me there was no motivation for her to get a job or move out of her family home. But in the past 2 months, her family tell me her confidence has shot up. She has been applying for work at random places. And has even managed to get a photography studio job with training.
I honestly can not remember the last time I was this happy, things just seem to work and fall into place when she is around.
Ill apologise now if you don't hear from me as often any more. Ill still be around, to try offer my help on the site.
I want to thank you again, for everything. I don't think I would be where I am now if it wasn't for you. Thanks to you, I am with an amazing girl who actually wants to be with me, and not playing silly games.
PS: Thought I would mention. Miss Ex has been in contact a few times. Text messages now and then asking how I am. Then nothing, for a few weeks. And then I get them again.
Nope, doesn't sound odd at all, it's the way it should be [insert The Police's "The Bed's Too Big Without You"].
In fact, NOTHING you're reporting sounds odd or indicative of any future problems. In fact, I think everyone should come read your thread to see Truly Madly Deeply Everlasting Love unfolding before their very eyes, as in [Punch voice], Dat's der way der do id, Dudy!
That doesn't mean you're done and dusted and can relax, though, it just means if you continue this way then - that be your wife, that be.
I wouldn't recommend (on paper) moving in so soon, though. You and she may have been doing a speeded-up version (with speeded-up vigilance to match) but you've still only test-driven each other within a 5 mile radius of the car showroom....whereas there be hills over them there hills, LOL (with potholes, hairpin bends, dual carriageways, rain, sleet, wind and so on). You have the rest of your lives so - where's the hurry? Just ENJOY where you're at and wait until you're both inarguably bored rigid and overly dissatisifed with the normal routine (the sign that you're both truly ready). Promotion has to be EARNED. Potential is not testament of any FACT. Only established fact is. Capiche? THINKING AND PLANNING in the meantime, however, is fine and yet another superb sign.
DON'T apologise for being too happy and busy to keep posting on a forum. You wouldn't go the dentist's for fillings if your teeth were perfect, would you? (ya daft b*gger). Just continue as you are, popping in from time to time with an update. As I say, it gives others great hope... means there's TWO of us singing from the rooftops about how heavenly it can be with the oh-so right person (and we can't BOTH be wrong, eh!).
You didn't even need any coaching, look. See? It was just a case of Right Qualities (you), WRONG RECIPIENT (exipoos), nothing more complicated than that. The credit is all yours, mush.
PS: "Sorry - WHO? Nope, can't place her."
...and that's what she gets for having played football with a priceless crystal vase (so "Mleugh"). She is still too much child and not enough adult. Suggested text response: 'You and I were not Ying & Ying, just Wrong & Wrong, but cheers for currently trying to yet again use me as an avoidance or procrastination tool against ever having to go get yourself the ("eek!") real deal'.
Just thought I would update you on how things have been.
Since my last message, things have just been getting better and better. We have spent every day together, without fail. I have passed my car test, She now has a job. Went on a week long Holiday in the north of England with her and her family. And we have as of yesterday moved into a house together. I could not be happier. And she feels exactly the same.
I know many people are questioning if this is right or not, if its too soon. But We don't feel that way at all. The family are happy with us doing this.
Not sure what ells to say, so ill say thanks once again.
Didn't think i would have been in this situation a few months ago.
Bloody Nora - all of that since April? (Should I be thinking about buying a new hat? )
WHO'S questioning it? Tsk. No, it's not "too fast".  That's a subjective, as in personal preference, judgement call, and  you've got PROOF it's not too fast for either of you - specifically (ref your license and her job), concrete evidence of you and she thriving as individuals as well as a couple! Clearly, then, you two are just fast movers and shakers as standard who've happened to have teamed up. I mean, if you and she WERE going too fast, even for either or you, then your personal lives would show it through certain things *deteriorating*, not improving. So shove THAT 2-point evidence at them, that'll shut 'em up!
And what of the bedroom-y evidence, in terms of getting better and better? Is that a third piece of evidence to add to that list?
Every day has been great. Even the tedious little things like shopping for food has been enjoyable.
I never saw myself being in this situation 6 months ago, let alone a couple years ago. Thought I would have staid with my housemates for a good while longer.
The commute to work is certainly a lot longer. But it was pretty much after I got my licence we decided to go ahead with it.
And as for the "bedroom-y evidence" .. I think things are better. She tells me things are great, but I do feel I'm lacking so to speak. Not sure if its just me being insecure or what, but I defiantly feel I'm not "performing" as well as I should.
And how's the house and nesting (decorating/adorning) going?
Re the sex: You're going to have to remember you could literally be anyone on this planet with access to the interweb - even a woman pretending to be some bloke calling himself Vildar - totally and utterly anonymous, in other words - to be safe enough to go into actual detail about why you feel you're not yet fulfilling your actual performance potential?
Is your problem that a part of your mind (the part that fears any investments could prove futile like the last) keeps holding you back, meaning, your conscious mind can't switch off completely whereby animal 'sleepwalking' mode kicks in to point of total abandonment and forgetting you're even IN a bedroom?
If that's what's behind your 'under'- or stilted performance, one simple remedy to try is to have some sort of background music on the go, whatever you find especially sensual and sexy, preferably that she equally adores, coupled with a tealight or two in one or other far corner in the room, preferably in Red glass tealight holder (it's not called Red Light District for nothing, you know)... something to keep both your conscious thinking and visual processors distracted by making them have to work hard to make sense of all the hard-to-discern shapes and sounds, etc.)... until your mind can overcome any such mental block as then facilitates that all-important transition from intellectual human to physical animal. A little bit of alcohol helps, but  don't go beyond just tipsy and, whatever you do,  don't start routinely relying on it, treat it only as a short-term springboard aid or for Sat nights only, say.
The music should ideally be of the complex, hypnotic, chill-out yet funky, multi-layered variety. On which note...Have you ever listened to "Talkie-Walkie" by the French group Air? Or "Set The Controls for The Heart of The Bass" by Bassomatic (which starts up-beat but quickly mellows to dead sexy by track 3 - with a pause for a quick ciggie break come re-charge following the initial 'rush', courtesy of track 4, LOL - yet the whole way through featuring sample bytes from various film soundtracks, etc.)? Drugs via the earholes, in other words... and by GOD these three male genii must love sex as well as have a good handle on what makes for superb 'bonking music'!... they even include surreptitiously sneaky little "arousal noises", male and female both, to subconsciously help get you both going (then deliriously gone).
Have a flick-through of both right now (volume to max.) and you might well be able to appreciate what I mean. Frankly, I defy *anyone* not to lose themselves between the sheets to these two! / "Conscious distraction, anyone?" LOL The clue is even in both album names, if you think about it: Talkie (conscious domain) takes a walkie (with 'Surfin on a rocket' one of the more obvious track title euphemisms) and Set the (cough!) controls for the (cough!) heart of the (COUGH!) BASS. Either that or they were all just particularly randy uckers at the time, which naturally came out in their creative products [scuse pun!]?
You either, come the event, want them set to low or booming as feck - either or, no in-betweenie:
HowZAT for a prescription? Don't get THAT at your local GP surgery, eh!
But seriously - Self-abandonment *is* difficult to achieve at first, particularly as a Once- or Recently-Bitten, but try something like the above two and see if it makes a difference? Worked for us at that [scuse pun again] sticky point in the stage-based proceedings, anyway.
House settling is going great. Everything is unpacked. Just fine tuning ehere things live etc.
We decided to get another dog. As we took mine with us in the move.
Commute to work is a bit much, but ill get used to it.
As for the sex.
Ill stop beating around the subject.
Getting going doesn't seem to be an issue for us. My issue is more me I think.
I just dont think im doing all I can. I dont know what to do with myself half the time.
Also I dont seem to last very well. Which to me is frustrating.
She says I "get her there". But that involves me having to stop alot and do other things too.
Dont get me wrong, I like doing what I do for her. But I would like to beable to do more/last better. As were both quite inexperienced im not sure how I can improve.
Anyway, you and she have (actions!) chosen to make things full-time by moving in together... plus, it sounds like you've even gone and fashioned yourselves interim babies - the dogs (which one looks like you, btw? LOL) - so clearly neither of you are doing anything wrong or seeing anything wrong in the other....au contraire, it says, 'I'll have the same again but this time make it a double..triple..quadruple, please, Bartender!') Nope, all just sounds normal and par for the course to me. Especially when you remember that the number one sexual organ in the human isn't to be found in the lingerie department, but at head office (the mind).
So probably my question should have been, are you and she Mr & Mrs Martini (as per the 80s ad strapline that went, "Any time, any place, anywhere"), since the proof of the pudding is in the KEENNESS to get back between the sheets as much as humanly possible in the first place.
Yep, once your conscious worries bog off and cease presenting as a bit of a barrier, it'll be all systems go in terms of adding new moves, etc., without even having thought about it, to what you've already built up as a standard repertoire. Once that point is reached you'll, as I say, cease doing *any* thinking or deciding (unless her hair getting caught under your elbow or whatever momentarily jars play), just going with the natural urge and flow like said sleepwalkers. (Very driven and energetic sleepwalkers, obviously, LOL.)
I was right, that background music, etc., could definitely help relax and switch your minds off that bit more. Try it and see how much difference it makes. Bet you a Tenner the answer will be, A LOT. If not, just leave it to more time and trust doing its magic or try something else (different time of day, say?).
Little known psych fact: in order to make someone happy and feeling like they're getting the best You available and best *from* you, you don't have to succeed at something. You just have to be seen to genuinely make all possible endeavours to. (Ta-daa)
You don't have a problem, in other words. You're just impatiently wanting an enhancement. (There's the diff that makes all the diff.)
Are you both ensuring a fair or equal share of the amount of housework and cooking you're each doing? Or are you going one better and tending to do it together, simultaneously, e.g. during evenings or weekends? The reason I ask, is because as those with experience and wisdom know - for a woman, foreplay in actual fact begins *not* as evening closes in, but THE MINUTE YOU AND SHE GET OUT OF BED IN THE MORNING. How you treat her during the day (or days) preceding do a lot to oil and prime all the relevant machinery...because it becomes mind turned-on meets body turned-on....or if you like, both the animal AND the human minds-within-one-mind with the programme, in unison. Powerful stuff. Hence why, if you think about it, one-night-stands are 9 times out of 10 (with the exception of where one has just been through a desert and is overly gagging) so... well, SO-SO. The human isn't yet feeling as 'excited' and 'safe to be excited' as the animal, meaning, only half or three-quarters of you are in it with more confidence than wariness, and nor have the partners together had ample time to perfect their dance steps.
Normal. It'll get better and better and better, until you're not just saying 'Wow', then 'WOAH', then 'OMG, THAT WAS INCREDIBLE', but, something along the lines of, 'WTF, what on earth WAS that, was it still 'sex' or have we suddenly transcended something and arrived in a whole new realm?!!'. And from there, what you'd originally thought was already top quality and enthusiasm (incl. frequency) suddenly goes UP a number of levels (because you've got a brand new, never before experienced or even conceived-of 'toy'). For us, that latter reaction started somewhere around Year 2....I think it was literally the minute we'd experienced enough humdinger fights with no-one going so far as to leave or dump anyone. (Safe.)
Yup, trust has a lot to answer for, particularly if experience seems to have consistently or more than not shown that finding it broken or proven to have all along been false/insubstantial is the more likely outcome of any really close relationship than not, meaning you can't quite cease being braced in the un-graspable portion of your mind. But, no it's not. It's the more likely outcome of a *bad/not good enough* pairing, meaning, you've just never met your match before (but now, finally, have). DIFF/ALL THE DIFF.
Nope, no worries. Just lack of patience, meaning, I wannit all... I wannit all.... I wannit all...'AN I WANNIT NOW!...., Freddie. But you can't, Mr Mercury. So there. LOL It's a process and processes can't be short-cut or skimmed over. You can only speed them up a bit. So I reiterate: "If music be the food of love - play on!" (- Shakespeare, Twelfth Night), aaaaaand "Limpets (i.e. the big hearted) attach hard only to whatever they can tell are genuine ROCKS" (- me).
Worth losing a piddly Tenner for?
By the way, have you seen the romcom Lovesick? (It stars Matt LeBlanc, and surprisingly good in it he is, too! Plus, it's not a chick flick.)
If you haven't yet - *do*.
("Tha's all I'm sayin'...You ain't seen me - roight?!")
Which I know is not reality, but it doesn't stop me thinking I'm a bit more than "sub par". Everything is great, and what we do seems to work for both of us. We have tried other things, but have always gone back to the norm. As we know it works. Were both not exactly experienced, so I'm not sure what ells i can do.
We have had music in the past, (That was more when she was still living with her parents..) but I'm not sure it helped. And as she really isn't into that sort of music, I'm not sure if it would relax us or weird us out! But I'm all for trying new things.
If I'm honest, When we do get down to it. It is usually whatever is on the TV at that time. It just seems to happen that way.
"So probably my question should have been, are you and she Mr & Mrs Martini (as per the 80s ad strapline that went, "Any time, any place, anywhere"), since the proof of the pudding is in the KEENNESS to get back between the sheets as much as humanly possible in the first place."
There is defiantly keenness. No doubt about that, Without going to far into detail, it has just seemed to descend randomly a few times.
I do my fair share of cooking/cleaning etc. But as I work 8-5 every day, and she herself works random shifts. The times when she is at home, I'm usually home to some sort of food ready for me. Which has been nice, but in no way do I expect it.
And as some of her shits are 2PM till 10PM, any free time we have together is usually relaxing in front of the TV with a film. Constantly messaging through the day though.
The move has gone great, still a fair bit to do around the house. Decorating and such.
As for the dogs, I originally had one when we met. So she came with me in the move. Our second dog just seemed the right move. A friend for the first one. And just because. If I could upload photos I would show you them (and us!)
I do still often think that this will all be over the next time I wake up. That I'm going to end up awake back in my old bed. And none of it has ever happened. Or, that its all going to come crashing down.
Forever thinking in my head, Cant seem to get it out my mind.
PS: Sorry for any spelling errors! If I remember anything ells ill add it in.
Fears aren't reality, they're negative presumptions or semi-presumptions about a future, unforeseeable event using ones pessimism as a projector and imagination as the screen. Trouble is, those two pieces of equipment under this type of condition are a toxic mix.
So you're talking sh*t basically. Did you ever think you'd see the day when you were HAPPY to realise you were talking sh*t? LOL
You're denying the act it's proper, magical, spiritual enhancements if you do it to the telly noise. You can't hold back the tide of a mutual strengthening of feelings via going through the joint Knicker Door to the Love Room just by adding fluourescent tubes to its hallway instead of candlelight and soft music. It's going to happen every time you walk in and out anyway. So you may as well make that walk an as optimally enjoyable one, right?
Put it another way: there's in or there's out, no inbetweenie. Inbetweenie leads to SPLAT! Either be properly out or properly in. You're like a restaurant customer who insists on there being no chairs, no tablecloth and no candles at the table. YOU STILL EAT, THOUGH, DON'T YOU? THE FOOD DOESN'T COME OR GET EATEN ANY SLOWER OR IN ANY SMALLER QUANTITY, DOES IT?
Feeling silly yet?
Wobbles are normal. "Feel the fear and do it anyway". What *isn't* normal, or rather, healthy, is you telling me this without having told HER. You can bet your a*se she has the exact same pessimistic fears and worries as you (if not, she's insane...and I doubt that), hence might find it VERY reassuring to know you do too, so as not to feel like the underdog and start acting-out accordingly (yikes!). And with HER visibly/audibly reassured, that would then reassure you, which would re-reassure her which would re-reassure you....in a box, in a box, in a box (- hers ).
(LOL, Am suddenly reminding myself of that line from Scrubs:
Patient: "Doctor, to be honest I'm getting very tired of all your constant innuendo"
Doctor: "...........In YOUR end-o!")
What I'm saying is: TEAM. You're now a team of two that as such should have taken on the accompanying attitude (all of it = properly). A team of two colleagues discusses the project (Project Togetherforever) and all potential scupperers, likely or not, then together pre-formulates fail-safes, contingency measures and damage-limiters... so THAT they can relax knowing that every possible thing can and will get dealt with as and when or if, due to tools/shields and weapons being laid out at the ready.
You and she need a heads-together talk SO THAT neither of you will somehow think you're surreptitiously minimising the quantum of 'chemistry-based bonding glue' (for mutual self- and relationship-protection purposes) that gets added to the existing amount, every time you get your glue gun out, nor feel you even HAVE to. If you do that, the glue will just find another application instrument anyway...e.g., the mere act of watching and discussing telly programmes together, if it has to/if that's all its got.
"I do still often think that this will all be over the next time I wake up. That I'm going to end up awake back in my old bed. And none of it has ever happened. Or, that its all going to come crashing down.
Forever thinking in my head, Cant seem to get it out my mind."
You're just having trouble adjusting to finally- FINALLY! having found the real deal. Because your being on Cloud 9 is not the norm in terms of your experience and resultant expectations, it feels somehow wrong and anywhere between precarious and dangerous. Your feet are insisting on going up that path anyway so, head-wise, your choice is between a pleasant stroll including admiring the beautiful views and having the full mental cylindry for noting and filing important data about her and how she ticks/you and she together tick, or being dragged kicking and screaming with your eyes screwed shut and ears too full to hear a thing.
Feeling even sillier yet?
Deal with the fears *now*, not later. AS A TEAM.
Fears about the relationship not lasting are proof that you love her and the relationship too much to bear even the mere concept of it.
That's enough nagging from me, now I'll pass you over to my esteemed colleague... Mr Billy Joel: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U2qLu1CYBf4
Don't want to see you let a good thing
You know I don't like watching
Anybody make the same mistakes
She's a real nice girl
And she's always there for you
But a nice girl wouldn't tell you what you *should [*as in, ought to] do
I'm sure that you think you got it all
You don't want somebody telling you
The way to stay in someone's soul
You're a big boy now
You'll never let her go
But that's just the kind of thing
She ought to know
Tell her about it
Tell her everything you feel
Give her every reason to accept
That you're for real
Tell her about it
Tell her all your crazy dreams
Let her know you need her
Let her know how much she means
It's not automatically a certain guarantee
To insure yourself
You've got to provide communication constantly
When you love someone
You're always insecure
And there's only one good way
Tell her about it
Let her know how much you care
When she can't be with you
Tell her you wish you were there
Tell her about it
Every day before you leave
Pay her some attention
Give her something to believe
Cause now and then
She'll get to worrying
Just because you haven't spoken
For so long
Though you may not have done anything
Will that be a consolation when she's gone
It's good information from a man
Who's made mistakes
Just a word or two that she gets from you
Could be the difference that it makes
She's a trusting soul
She's put her trust in you
But a girl like that won't tell you
What you should do
Tell her about it
Tell her everything you feel
Give her every reason
To accept that you're for real
Tell her about it
Tell her all your crazy dreams
Let her know you need her
Let her know how much she means
Tell her about it
Tell her how you feel right now
Tell her about it
The girl don't want to wait too long
You got to tell her about it
Tell her now and you won't go wrong
You got to tell her about it
Before it gets too late
You got to tell her about it
You know the girl don't want
To wait - you got to
Tell her about it.
Sorry for the delay in response. Again just have not had the time! Dog has been destroying any box he finds when were at work and I'm trying to figure out how to stop him!
"Wobbles are normal. "Feel the fear and do it anyway". What *isn't* normal, or rather, healthy, is you telling me this without having told HER"
I have had a talk with her about my "wobbles", she to does feel the same, but knows she's fretting about nothing and talks herself round. I cant seem to do that, Its mostly when we are watching TV, not talking to each other much. Or we are off doing our own thing. There is this thing at the back of my mind that just keeps telling me "She's unhappy.." She knows I keep thinking it, and Keeps telling me now to "Get out your head", after promptly giving me a quick nudge on the back of my head!
I know there is nothing to worry about, yet I cant stop thinking there is.
As per the bedroom stuff. Music really doesn't work for us, we gave it a go. She ended up giggling for ages about the music. Creeped her out a little. (And me!) As she isn't really into that sort of music it was a little weird for her. But we have found that no music seems to work, so no background TV.
I think I'm going to have to start trying to ignore my thoughts. Everything is great for me, she tells me everything is great for her. So I need to somehow shut my brain up. I don't want to ruin a good thing here, just because I cant get out my head.
"but knows she's fretting about nothing and talks herself round. I cant seem to do that"
"I think I'm going to have to start trying to ignore my thoughts."
Nooooooooooooooooooo. You can't ignore or delay stuff because there's in fact no such thing; it's just PLANTING stuff (that grows until it trips you up or suffocates you). Think about it. You can't be a hider or procrastinator in a romantic relationship, it just won't work.
If she knows you can't self-regulate like that then you should ask her sweetly if perhaps she could be in charge of "the wobble zone" (whilst you take responsibility for something else, something she's crap at or hates, doesn't matter what - emotional or practical - just something YOU'RE better at).
When you get "ze little devil on your shoulder" as Mr Soulmate puts it, you have to sit and in your head re-count the list of those acts and gestures committed by her to-date as well as recently that tend to prove indisputably how silly you must be being. But, assuming you're not OVER-doing it, I'm sure she greatly appreciates and admires that refreshing level of open honesty of yours, compared to the usual "din't hurt!, not scared!, don't care anyway!" actually perfectly transparent, fear-based posturing nonsense that a lot of men still these days do.
Here's a tip, though, from me: When you get those wobbly thoughts, try doing something distinctly left-brained like Maths or crossword puzzles, or even where you (in the loo or something, obviously) pat your head whilst at the same time circular-rubbing your tummy. By calling your left brain hemisphere full-force to the fore, it'll take over completely from your right (the emotional half), meaning, you'll 'come down' very quickly. If not, take a tip from the SAS, which is, breathe in for the count of four ("one elephant, two elephant..), hold it for four, breathe out for four...and repeat until you feel calm and clear (only takes about five sets, I find).
No, there IS something to worry about, and it's that you could possibly lose your amazing relationship. But here's the secret, less flattering truth about it: if you're determined and confident, and show it, balanced nicely with confiding your worst fear-attacks, you moreover *can't*. It's a fine balance but a vital one for how it says, I'm super-keen yet would never, EVER take this for granted enough to relax and CEASE worrying (and treat you accordingly).
Worrying like that is a symptom of your being unsure, not her. (That's why you mustn't over-do the confiding, only when you really need to, as then contains it to the 'good and positive thing' territory.) So what you're in fact doing is worrying that you're not sure enough about continuing to gradually, daily, exponentially attach and commit, then feeling the worry happening but telling yourself that it's HER steadfastness, etc., you don't/can't quite trust and are anxious over. Nope, it's yours, all yours.
It *does* feel dangerous.. like your very heart and sanity is in her as well as Her & Your hands...and so it's natural to at the back of your mind wonder if you wouldn't save yourself an all-too-possible nightmare if you got out NOW, rather than in the future when losing her/repelling her could actually 'do you in'. (Again, though, in fact it's the 'let yourself adapt -v- fight the adaptation' conflict/struggle that causes the sense of vulnerability.) So if you want to cease worrying then the best thing you can do is realise that you have at your disposal ALL THE POWER YOU COULD NEED to ensure, repeat ENSURE, it never ends - at least in as far as by your own behaviour and choices as determine her reciprocity responses (because obviously you can't control 'grand pianos falling down onto her from balconies' and the like). The power is p*ss-simply striking that heady mixture between desire/passion/fascination and nerves/anxieties.
If you want proof, just ask yourself why rollercoasters are such addictive fun. It's that perfect balance between EEK! and WOO-HOO! Just enough of each, 'never too little, never too much' (- Dr Seuss). Strike it (having experimented with adjusting of the dials for a while) and you're there before you even arrive! Wwwwwwoila (£50, please) (I'll accept Monopoly money, though).
As for your mistrust of "the bizc" called LIFE? Well, if you think about it, every so-called bad experience you ever had didn't *actually* permanently kill you or send your life down the pan (same thing, different timescales). They in actual fact all led you TO HERE!...WITH HER!...and your "babies", in that housie, all loved-up! (ta-daa). So life clearly loves you, whatever you think. In fact, from how convenient and easy getting to meet her and now this relationship has gone, I'd say life rates you very highly indeed.
It's NOT a difficult cocktail to mix, and the 'does life like me?' bit's crystal-clearly-evidently still getting taken care of in good hands. So you're safe.
"As per the bedroom stuff. Music really doesn't work for us, we gave it a go. She ended up giggling for ages about the music. Creeped her out a little. (And me!) As she isn't really into that sort of music it was a little weird for her. But we have found that no music seems to work, so no background TV. "
The point was just to find that same genre of music - hypnotic, repetitive, sexy, fine balance between engaging and ignorable. But never mind. What about candles everywhere (or a roaring fire if you have one), have you tried that one?
Think I was getting a bit stressed on the run up to Christmas, As I'm not so much in my head anymore. Things seems to have calmed down for me. I'm not over thinking everything like I was before.. as much. Still do now and then. But definitely not as much.
Whenever a thought has popped up, I have tried focusing on something ells. Ill go clean, play/watch something. Attempt to fix something. Which seems to be working. (apart from actually fixing our broken door..! Newer doggy knows how to open cupboards and doors..)
I am often thinking back to this time last year.. Which is about when Ms Ex started becoming distant. I know its not going to, but I'm terrified its going to happen all over again. The evidence is telling me it isn't going to happen, I'm much happier now, We have moved in. Even thought about proposing (I know its possibly too soon), yet I cant listen to it.
We have had this conversation, and I have told her about this. Huge weight of my mind when I did tell her. She does assure me that its never going to happen, and I have nothing to worry about. Which I believe, yet still niggles at the back of my head.
"As for your mistrust of "the bizc" called LIFE? Well, if you think about it, every so-called bad experience you ever had didn't *actually* permanently kill you or send your life down the pan (same thing, different timescales). They in actual fact all led you TO HERE!...WITH HER!...and your "babies", in that housie, all loved-up! (ta-daa). So life clearly loves you, whatever you think. In fact, from how convenient and easy getting to meet her and now this relationship has gone, I'd say life rates you very highly indeed. "
After reading this, I do feel a lot better about things. We are living together, and god a doggie. We wouldn't have done that unless we were ready. And I'm sure she wouldn't be "putting up" with it for the sake of ease.
"The point was just to find that same genre of music - hypnotic, repetitive, sexy, fine balance between engaging and ignorable. But never mind. What about candles everywhere (or a roaring fire if you have one), have you tried that one?"
Haven't tried that one..!
However, things on that front have been a bit slow lately due to the work shifts she has been getting recently. Its either really early morning, or late nights. So she has been fairly tired. But I'm not complaining, as when it does happen its still very good. I'm still anxious about my ability to "last", but we have found something that seems to work.
I just want to say thanks to you again, if there is anything I can do please tell me ! Even if it is sending monopoly money over.
Ha-ha, trust you to have gone and got yourself a genius, devious doggie! I suggest you never leave your computer on and your browsers open or, next, he might progress to sending obnoxious emails to your contact list (- "first you and then THE WOOOORLD, mwa-ha-ha-ha-haaaa!").
There, you see - it is definitely a good ploy, doing something 'left-brained', particularly as, if afterwards the disquieting thought is still there, niggling away, then you can be certain that you've got an authentic concern that is therefore genuine 'team' business as needs to be discussed and sorted (or just assuaged) by the pair of you together.
There's no escaping this 'bad anniversary' wobble, however; you just have to grit your teeth and get through it somehow, because it's just a contextual downside (or design fault) of good, healthy programming evolved for teaching you to actively avoid any repeat scenario or situation that in the past proved dangerous and harmful (physically harmful/psychologically harmful - where's the differencio). I analogise this one as The Love Mountain, whereby...same cliff-side mountain path spot and height off of which you got pushed or pulled by exipoos versus totally new mountain hiking partner:
The survivalist part of your mind 'recognises' the same spot on the path and, no matter how refreshingly different to-date your new partner has seemed or even concretely proven to be, your mind is still instructed to start sounding the alarm regardless, making you feel either like avoiding taking another step altogether (permanently or temporarily) or clinging to the rockface on the inside of the path as you extra-tentatively shimmy past that particular fateful spot. Once you're beyond it, you obviously breathe easy again and resume your otherwise joyous walk upwards towards the summit, usually, via the aid of massive relief, with even greater joy, hope, inspiration and eagerness to continue journeying higher and higher, all the way to the top. See yourself get past this point unscathed (particularly if thanks to her input) and (pointlessly) feeling silly and I imagine you *will* propose. (I'll tell ya - every! single! time! any man has proposed to me in whatever fashion, the words to the effect of 'you make me feel safe/I feel safe with you' have featured. EVERY!)
Anyway, some people feel reassured by having their hand more tightly held by their partner for that stretch, whereas some feel worse (- the thinking being, if s/he's got a grip on me she could yank me over the cliff face more easily than if not), meaning the latter start to introduce personal space for the duration of that section (- you imagine what that does to ones partner if you've failed to enlighten them beforehand or during as to how you're feeling and why you're acting that way?!). Some feel better if they agree to switch places, again, just for that section, whereby the least wobbly partner walks on the side nearest the drop, with the more nervous one on the right (which can, if you're not careful, cause secret resentment if you're both as equally wobbly as each other yet she's got talked into taking the vulnerable side due to failing to admit she is). Some want to slow the pace right down for that spot, or even stand there stock-still for a good while in order to garner their courage to 'one, two, three' run full pelt past the spot in record time...
And that's why talking and comparing notes then finding ways to deal with the tricky spot together as a fully-consensually in-agreement partnership is so screamingly vital. Yet regrettably too many men (and, these days, women) stay completely schtum as they take whatever evasive/avoidant/coping action, leaving their partners to come on here and ask whether we think he's started seeing someone else on the side or working up to dump them, etc. Think about it: if you become a 'speak my thoughts' machine, meaning, she always knows what you're thinking and feeling - how EASY for her to then always be capable of working out the reasons behind why you do or say anything and not assume anything negative and ominous (i.e. self-comfort). Not rocket science, just plain old, very sensible bonding facilitation called 'sharing' and 'willing vulnerability' (aka Nakedness).
This mantra helps, though: SHE IS NOT MY EX, SHE IS NOT MY EX, SHE IS NOT MY EX - BLOODY NOTHING LIKE HER, IN FACT! - SHE IS NOT MY EX. As does this: "One...Two...Three... GO FOR IT!", i.e. just gritting your teeth, putting one foot in front of the other, relying on all the trust she's genuinely clocked-up so far, and keeping your eyes on the prize/summit.
Correct, no-one puts up with hassle for 'ease', LOL. Doesn't Compute. She's 'putting up with it' - gladly - because you/the relationship are worth it AND THEN SOME.
As for the bedroom bit: It seems perhaps the pair of you went (for mutual personal safety's sake) into this relationship predominantly through the Friendship Door. ...which was perfectly fine, just meant you each will have had to have experienced/hit a certain critical quantum of mental bonding before daring to abandon yourselves to super-speeded bonding through the physical mechanism. FYI, Mr S still has trouble lasting if, say, for whatever reason (busy-ness, illness) we've had to have abstained for a few nights. Sounds like you've hit on his solution, which is a quick self-service the day beforehand. Doesn't even bother me..but it bothers him so...
That's what I mean overall by 'grand piano dropping on their head', really. You get to a point up the mountain where things with your ideal soulmate WOULD be 100% perfect - literally - were it not for life's demands, weights, and just plain niggles and sh*t.... which is precisely one of the main reasons why Monsieur S and I are emigrating to Spain in a couple of years or less: if we can't achieve what we constantly dream of - he and I 99% isolated together on a little desert island, with the exception of occasional guests, including the kiddos, and a little speedboat for doing the monthly shop at the nearest bigger island or mainland (which obviously we can't, because it's not realistic) (except on the film The Beach, LOL), then a fairly isolated or very private, tucked out of the way villa with pool and fairly easy, rapid access to the beach is the next best thing. (We can't effin' wait!!)
As for anything you can do: You could give me the name of an emigration consultant (if such a thing even exists?) - someone to do almost all of the organisation and admin FOR us; that's what we need. LOL But, nope, that probably wouldn't work because... No giant work & hassle = No giant perk, that, we know, is how life and its rewards operate, meaning, that whole logistical nightmare is our vital gauntlet-run mission ...which we're fully prepared to accept [insert Mission Impossible soundtrack]. But cheers anyway!
One thing you *could* do, if ever you get a moment these days or whenever, is 'pay it forwards' and use your new-found experience and wisdom to offer advice on this here forum to those on your same path but further back, nearer the start, than you? As the very wise Chinese proverb says: 'To know the road ahead, ask those coming back'. But only if ever you genuinely can spare a mo.
Another fave famous Chinese proverb of mine is this one: Man who go to bed with 'problem' tend to wake up with 'solution' in hand. [cue rotten tomatoes and X-rated certificate]
Thanks for the update,
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