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Break up or settle?

Posted by
on Mar 5 2015 at 16:32
Member since: 05 March 2015
Relationship advice forum category advice forum category We've been together 7 years and lived together for nearly 3. I feel like I run the house, I feel like I am his mother and I don’t want this, I want support and to feel like a team. Here are my main issues;

He isn’t passionate in life or work and doesn’t make an effort to spend time with his friends (as in holidays or days out or nights at the pub) he would rather invite me along with him but can ignore me when I am actually there, probably because he sees me every day and not the folk he bumps into in the pub.

When we argue, we can scream and shout, and it takes a while for me to be normal with him again due to the way he responds.

He doesn’t plan dates or do stuff in the house or garden off his own back, he needs to be asked time and time again which turns into an argument and he thinks I am moaning. I have even written him a to do list (at his request) but he isn’t paying attention to it.

I sort all the bills, he pays his digs for the month and that’s his part done. I deal with any extra’s for food, our pets, gas or electric. Most of my money goes into the house and I will leave myself with hardly any money for the rest of the month to make sure we have washing powder etc, he will not offer to pay for these things as he doesn’t see it as a priority but when I bring it up to him he says, all I need to do is ask……why do I have to instruct everything he does?

I arrange our holidays, trips, meals, days out, everything, if I didn’t I don’t think we would even go away.

He isn’t as supportive as I hoped, when I am studying he doesn’t think to give me space or peace and quiet to concentrate. He moans when I go to the gym as he sees it as a waste of cash, even though he wastes his cash on weed every week, that’s a major priority to him.

He doesn’t remember if I have had a doctors, dentist or hospital appointment or job interviews until I tell him I’ve been. If I am nervous about this the day before he doesn’t support me unless I actually say ‘im so nervous’ surely he should be able to read me by now and realise when I need support?! All of our friends who have been together for the half the time we have are engaged or married with kids, I have no ring and I don’t want to pressure him into getting me one, I want someone to actually WANT to marry me. I want kids by 30, he would rather put it off, I can’t wait forever biologically. (I am 28)

But he is a good guy, he loves me and tells me that every morning and every night, has never cheated. He spends more time with me than his guy pals, this is good but I wish he would give them all more time. He always texts me in the morning and at lunch and if he is with his pals he will drop the odd text. He basically doesn’t switch off his mobile to ignore me (like other guys I know) and wants me to be part of his nights out. Am I stupid to throw away a relationship with a guy who wont hurt me over these things? I don't want to change him but it makes me so unhappy and I feel like he doesn't appreciate all I do for him and doesn't give the same back.

Reply from
on Mar 6 2015 at 02:01
Member since: 06 March 2015
Don't break up with but instead tell him how you feel. He sounds like a great man that any woman would fight for. Here is what I would do first of all grab a piece of paper and a pen when you are by yourself write out how you feel and read it over edit it and make sure that whatever you are going to say to him is going to build up and is in a constructive and helpful tone. Whatever you do, don't accuse him of anything but tell him that you would like to see some minor changes and that you love him but all of the things that you would like him do would really help strengthen your relationship. I know that he will understand because from what it sounds like this man really truly loves you. Tell him what is in your heart and everything will be okay.
Reply from
on Mar 6 2015 at 07:50
Member since: 05 March 2015
This is the problem, I have done this twice, nearly 2 years ago I said I was unhappy & he said he would do anything to make it better. When I said what I needed he said he was on board but within a week he stopped everything. I said I was leaving him & he again promised things would get better. Can I really just keep waiting for another year or 2 hoping things will change? It's honestly making me resent him, which I don't want.
Reply from
on Mar 6 2015 at 13:42
Member since: 27 December 2013
Sounds like you have outgrown him. He is staying just as he was when you first met.

Have a talk with him. Find out his career goals and plans for the future. Where does he want to be in 5, 10 years?

If he can't give you good answers, then you might want to re-think your relationship. Living with a puppy-man is exhausting.

Reply from
on Mar 6 2015 at 14:12
Member since: 05 March 2015
Yeah he pretty much is the exact same as when we first met. Although he says in 5-10 years he wants to have kids, he has no ambition to better his career so I am scared to jump into family life knowing this, plus he is already so laid back and is happy to let me do everything in the house I am scared he wont help enough with any kids we do have.

He knows he is on his last chance as I have spoken to him so many times about it all and he did look gutted when I said I was leaving, that's why I don't understand why he hasn't made a huge effort to change things. If this was the other way around I would be trying everything to fix things but I don't feel he has bothered as much as he said he would.

I was in a similar relationship for 3 years previous to this and every time I tried to leave he would stop me and promise me things would get better, when they didn't I left him for good and didn't look back. I feel like I have wasted the last 3 years waiting on my current partner getting things together, what if I have to wait another 3 years and things are still the same, I just cant do that.

But on the other hand I could finish things and the next person I meet could be the exact same, you don't really know these things until you live with someone so it scares me to think of the huge leap I will be taking if I do leave him.

Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Mar 6 2015 at 16:02
Member since: 19 August 2014
Wow, he's got a cushy deal, hasn't he.

"So he loves me. But WHAT loves me?" Answer: basically a gigalo who gets out of having to elevate himself to actual common-law husband material as in DOING IT, by being passive aggressive: "Yes, absolutely, will do, will do, will do!" = doesn't, doesn't doesn't.

You're the wife AND husband. So what do you need HIM for? Does he address your need to satisfy your mothering instinct?

You can get a man who gives you loyalty and affection AND performs the husbandly work for the husbandly perks. You don't need to settle. You might be able to get THIS man to do the whole package. But not whilst the whole time you're going blah-blah-whinge-blah. And it's not the complaining that's at fault, it's the fact you should even HAVE to. Where's his conscientiousness and integrity?! He's the one nagging YOU, actually, because he's forcing you to have to repeat yourself.

Shut your mouth and get your REAL guns out. Give him one months' written notice to move out. Say, 'I love you, you love me, but if all you're going to behave like is a BOYFRIEND who loves me who lives separately emotionally then separately physically you must live, so that I don't have the hassles of a full, marital workload-for-two on solely MY shoulders. Because that is grossly unfair to me and I am not having it ANY MORE. Sorry. You had your chance-EZ and chose to ignore them so it's your own fault.'

He looks gutted because it works. LET him look gutted. It's mostly an act anyway...because I am gutted is as I am gutted *does* - which is fixes without delay the cause of his feeling gutted, berbom. And has it ever occurred to you that a man who had *genuinely* mistaken your negative vocalisations as mere PMT discharging or whatever would, on hearing you talk about wanting him to move out of your house or, worse, your life, IMMEDIATELY jump out of his seat and start hammering or sawing or whatever, not saying 'I promise I'll start next week' or whatever it is he does say?

You're in the right and he doesn't have a leg to stand on.

Whether he FINALLY shifts his arse into gear or it's Sayonara, Baby - these last 6 years have NOT been a waste because they've been teaching your mind to point, now, of crystal-clear, what sort of man and marriage you want and need - in the form of What NOT To Choose or Settle For. It's just that in your case, you weren't quite convinced the first time round that it wasn't your fault or anything you were doing, and needed a course of revision. Well, now you're ready to pass the exam. Not waste - study time.

So now you should know, no, you DON'T not know until you live with them. All those icebergs have TIPS that show above the surface of the ocean. Despite the differences between tips of giants and tips of little floaters are subtle, if you've spent long enough LOOKING at all those tips you should by now be able to see where the distinctive variations lie: the slight differences in colour, shape, opaqueness, how quickly or slowly the current moves them along...etc. Those tips don't all sit there declaring, 'I'm a tiny berg / I'm a big berg, so big I won't ever melt', do they. So in future, ignore the blah-blahs, nice as they can make you feel. It's ACTIONS. Actions, actions, actions, actions, ACTIONS all the way; the blah-blahs either pre- or post-verifying them. Don't let them move in with you until you've seen the sorts of actions you'll want replicated when in the inside of your cave. Even then, pre him moving in, sit and list off all the expectations and ground rules.

Huge leap, my arse. The huge leap is in staying put as things currently are and always were.

Reply from
SOULMATE (moderator)
on Mar 30 2015 at 00:26
Member since: 19 August 2014
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Reply from
on Mar 30 2015 at 16:21
Member since: 25 November 2014
You could be my daughter, She's got a partner like him, but they do have a super child, the light of my life. He is a great dad, but that's about it.

He was ditched by his previous partner, we know her well, nice girl now abroad, for not doing anything, saying anything, arranging/planning anything etc etc etc, just like your bloke. Nice enough bloke, good looking, crap salary - luckily it's her house. He has a daughter now 20 from a pre pre partnership at uni and doesn't speak to her mother, transmits visits etc through the girl.

The advice is good above, they know and have sorted me out. Good luck.

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