Need help with my relationship please!!
Before I tell you my story I have to give you some information on myself and my girlfriend.
I am a 24 year old foreigner living in A different countrt. My parents divorced when I was 10 and I lived with my mum till 6 years ago when I moved to a different countrt. As a teenager I was overweight and had a very low self esteem. My father was very financially successful and was also a very successful "player". I always tried to be like him till I reached the age of 18 and mostly after I left my country. I was obsessed with him and believed he was perfect. Anyway, because of my low self esteem, obese physique and bad morals values, i never was successful with women. My first gf was when I was 19/20 and that's also when I lost my virginity(not with her). Relationship broke down, I found a lit of motivation to loose wait which I did in a very short period and after that my success with women started rising a lot. Withouth the weight I am(i've been told) a very handsome men. I have had some very short relationships but I was still sexually shy(still learning a lot). Most of my sexual activities(and quite a few I might add) were mostly drunk one night stands with the ocasional 2-3 night stands.
My girlfried is a 24yo single mother whi had a very troubled life. Untill the age of ten she lived in a house filled with conflict. She withnessed a lot of argument between her parents and found iut her mum was cheating. After her parents divorced she was subjected to even worse things. Besides the fact that for the next 10 years she heard and saw her mother having sex with her new husband, she was also subjected to a lot of abuse from them (emotional, social, mental and at ocasians physical). She had a terrible childhood. At the age of 14 she was sexually assaulted by an older schoolmate. She never told anyone and carried on with her life. At 17 she started dating a guy and broke up with him 2 years later because she fell in live with D. D was wirking at the same place with her. They started talking and she fell very in live with him, thought he was special(the one). After a very short period if time he started being very abusive to her(emotionally). She believes he was a manipulative controlling psychopath and she barely got out of that relationship. She got out of that relationship by cheating on him with one of her colleagues from her new workplace. She was seeing both of them for a short period if time. After a few months, she fell pregnant with her new bf W. She said that she never really liked him but she didn't want to have an abortion as she already had one with D and could not go trough that again. The guy turned out to be very weird, jealous and controlling. He started cheating on her half way trough her pregnancy and they broke up not ling after she gave birth. At the time I met her, when her child was 3months old, she was still living in the same house with W. A few weeks after we started dating W sexually assaulted her. Again she decided not to press charges.
We were seeing each other for 3months when we decided to move away together (to a neighbouring country) because her family was there. 2 weeks after we moved we foud out she was pregnant. In the mean time, about a month before we moved we both declared we live each other. I personally was very in live with her and believed she was the one and according to her so was I. The two weeks prior to the relocation a lot of things started to change. Persuaded by myself, she told me a lot of things about W and D and I started to loose respect for her, my feeling started becoming weaker and weaker and arguments started. The more stories she told me the less I felt for her. The things that bother me the most are these: "D and I used to make love 4-5 times a day and sometimes 13-14 times", "W showed a lot of skill when he made love to me and the orgasms were amazing", "most of the guys I've been with had bigger penises than you" and the list goes on... Beside this, I looked at some conversations (might sound a bit psycho tbh) she had with her ex bfs and she behaved so differently. She was always telling them that she loves them and kisses and "miss you" and stuff like that. She always tried to impress them by taking care of herself more. She was just more affectionate and loving with them while with me it is completely different.
I really don't know what this means, was she more in love with them or is she just trying to protect herself from getting hurt again. All these things she told me about how her previous relationships were damaged me a lot. I always wanted to feel that lust for a woman, to make love to her all day long and everything else she experienced with her exs. And we talked about this on so many occasions and she keeps finding excuse and reasons why she is not like that anymore. "I was overly affectionate with D and he broke my trust" etc... At the moment we broke up. Well I broke up with her because I just couldn't stand it anymore. The stories started obsessing me. I imagine all sorts of scenarios where she makes live to D all day long but not me... I really need some advice. I kept the story as short as possible. There is so much more to say but it will take to much time. Please give me some advice.
The male model you had to follow got his identity from being a "player." and passed that on to you. That's a false sense of manhood. "Making love all day" does not make a man.
Now you suffer from low self esteem when that "macho" role is challenged. And, unfortunately, you have chosen a girl who throws that up in your face - (or is that teasing the basis of your relationship?)
Time to re-evaluate what is is to be a man.