Is it saveable?
on Mar 10 2015 at 03:13
I'm on here because I don't know what else to do, I am at a loss and have no one to talk to. I am 32 years old, my husband is 42, we have been married just shy of 2 years and I feel our marriage is in major trouble. My husband has not worked since just before we got married. He can and will get a job, but then will claim he got hurt on the job and claim workmen comp. so he can get paid while not working. He sleeps all day most days. When he is up he is either zoned out in tv ignoring me and the kids, or he is off with his friends. He does not engage me or the kids in conversation ever. He claims it's not my concern and I don't need to know what he does, where he goes, or how he ever gets money. He is not affectionate in any way toward me or the kids. Only touches me when he wants to play with my hair while he watches tv, or wants "lovin". He never says I love you to anyone except when he leaves or hangs up the phone. He is not involved in the kids school,hobbies,or them as people. He only tells them what to do. He doesn't help me around the house (infant our house is falling apart and he knows but doesn't fix anything) He blames anyone else for whatever is wrong especially me when I try to tell him what's wrong. He claims I am not a wife. When I try to talk to him about anything he acts like he is a kid, he sticks his fingers in his ears, watches tv behind me, hides behind doors, pulls blankets over his head and face and never says a word......on rare occasions I get him to talk, he just sits and tells me how horrible I am. I got him to go to counseling but it only lasted 3 time before he quit. He says he loves his family and me but I just don't see it. I have done what I can think of I don't know what else to do.....I'm by no means just "bashing" my husband I'm far from perfect. I do take care of his kids (previous relationships) and my daughter, I cook daily, I clean daily, I try to talk to and support and love my husband despite being pushed away. I also work a full time job, am at the school every meeting and event. He won't let me talk to anyone outside of our home so I have no friends and I barely speak to my family (they live in another state) I don't have anyone to talk to and I don't know what to do?! Is this even worth saving?
on Mar 10 2015 at 12:26
I wonder what happened to his last relationship? What was his relationship with his parents like? Aren't there any positive sides to your relationship? You have married the man - there must be things about him that you love. I am very sorry for you, and this situation you are in.
on Mar 10 2015 at 15:01
He's a kid in a grown-up man's suit. Berbom.
"La-la-laaa, can't heeear yoooou"... playing with your hair - I mean, WHAT-AH?! Put that speech bubble and that action against any 10-year-old male and THERE YOU HAVE IT, PROOF POSITIVE OF HIS PSYCHOLOGICAL AGE!
The ball's in your court, LIL.
We all make mistakes, said the tortoise all red-faced as he climbed back off the rock.
on Mar 10 2015 at 15:16
He is a kid in a grown man's suit as SOULMATE says. However, & i'm not judging the situation, but did you allow him to get there? I'm not saying you should shoulder the responsibility but maybe some of it?
Did you see these signs a long time ago & you ignored it? Has it been a long gradual decline? Or did it happen overnight?
I'm not asking these things to point the finger of blame, I'm just highlighting that sometimes both parties have to share responsibility for how things become - to an extent.
If you don't like the situation you're in & he refuses to change then it's your RESPONSIBILITY to change it. Your happiness is YOUR responsibility.
You deserve better than to be put down, to feel run down, everyone does but it's your responsibility to stand up & say you've had enough. We only get one shot at life, no rewinds, no second chances. you can't waste something so precious being miserable when someone out there could make you so happy.
Take some time out, have some you time, collect your thoughts & TAKE SOME RESPONSIBILITY. You know you deserve better, only you can make it happen
on Mar 10 2015 at 18:04
RONDAR, His last relationship I know pieces of he has lived in our town his when life as I had only been here about 2 years when I met him. From what I understand he was with his ex off and on for a few years they have a daughter together, but in between there breakups she had another child and they both learned to "scam" instead of work and they both still do. She isn't the "best" person or mother I know. He also has an ex wife that at the time was pregnant, putting his two youngest children months apart. His relationship with his parents, they pay for his house and insurance and anything else he needs if he says he doesn't have it.....As for the positive he used to be the sweetest, most loving, kinda insecure at times but he said it was because of what his ex did, (I later found out it was all a lie) he said he worked when we got together and "went to work" bit I later found out he was going g to his friends and drawing workman's comp. He used to do things with me and his kids. But somewhere along the line it all stopped and he stopped caring or so it seems.
on Mar 10 2015 at 18:13
Big fat YEP!
LIL, this isn't about a relationship just needing a few tweaks. Nor is it about someone whinging despite not even having tried to instate remedies (or in your case, tried to downright beg for them!). This is about a walking, talking "permanent bad-hair-day".
You need to go for a free initial consultation with a solicitor, have a chat about what your exact situation both emotionally and financially in the foreseeable and distant future will be if you divorce him. You'll then be in a win/win situation because either he'll finally get it through his thick skull that all of that is NOT how married men behave (certainly not the ones who wish to remain so), and finally step up, or not even that will put a firework up his arse, meaning you can walk away with a clean conscience from having known you tried EVERY...SINGLE...THING you could think of but to no avail.
He's just a spoiled, set in his ways baby who likes to kid himself that you married him "as seen" and to boot had zero expectations with regards to his developing and progressing like any other normal family man. It's called PARASITE. And you're the host.
Get that tick off your back and leave him to sucker onto someone else. I mean, let's be real here: I could try to kittenify my husband and make him as lazy and over-entitled as you like, but it wouldn't make a blind bit of difference. He would still insist on making a wage, pulling his weight, doing his fatherly duties and marital duties... all of it. In fact, if I tried to bust a gut encouraging him to sit around on his arse day after week after year then it's highly likely that my attempts themselves would make him resentful, not the other way around. So I wouldn't take this so-called man's behaviour on yourself. Unless you put a gun to his head if he so much as lifted a finger, of course. Because there's slack and then there's chocolate teapot that's already long melted. Capiche?
At least if you had a top-notch house, repairs and improvements-wise, and sparkly clean floors and a nightly hot meal awaiting you from work, that would be something, eh. But you don't. You have a freeloader.
on Mar 10 2015 at 18:18
SQUALL, As to your comment yes, I ha e asked myself to many times what have I done to let this happen?. At no point have I ignored it. I have asked, begged, pleaded, tried to compromise, cried, screamed, done all I know to get this all different he always has an excuse as to why he won't or can't. He promises all the time but only to make me shut up, I'm not saying that at no point I am innocent I have my faults like anyone else......He just doesn't see that he does any wrong and I don't know how to make him see what he is doing to me and his family. I tried leaving him last summer he only allowed me to take what he said I could for me and my daughter and then thru the whole time I was away he would show up at my job to fight with me or mess with my vehicle or accuse the men I work with of sleeping with me at work. He called me all night to fight so I couldn't sleep telling me how horrible I was. He would use the kids against me not allowing them to talk to me and picking my child up and not bringing her back on time. Leaving things on my porch, befriended my boss just to tell her what a horrible person I was, I almost lost my job. He would consumer I didn't give him a chance and I owed him that and he convinced me of that and he seemingly was making an effort I agreed to go back because he said that if we are married we need to act like it and live together he convinced me he was right. I know that I am responsible for alot of it by staying, but it's worse if I leave so I've tried to just make him see to change. Like I said I am on here because I am at a loss.
on Mar 10 2015 at 19:57
"I have asked, begged, pleaded, tried to compromise, cried, screamed, done all I know to get this all different he always has an excuse as to why he won't or can't. He promises all the time but only to make me shut up"
Then he's passive-aggressive. Is he just passive-aggressive with you for duty-avoidancy purposes or is he "a" passive-aggressive? That's for you to decide.
Listen, 'faults' is you taking the last slice of cake without asking anyone else if they wanted it. 'Faults' is picking your nose in front of him. 'Faults' is you buying a new summer wardrobe without consulting him despite money is tight and MOANING as you take it all straight back to the store for a refund.
This - him - ain't about 'faults', is it. It's ruddy great personal and marital behaviour disorder, i.e. ANTISOCIAL as in, in the context of his relationship to you, ANTIMARITAL.
Yes, he DOES know what he's doing wrong! Even IF his father set a bad example that he's now following, there is still films, books, other friends' families, etc., etc. Course he knows. He's not ACTUALLY 10?!
As for 'allowing you to take'? PFF. I think your solicitor and you will have *other, LEGAL* ideas! So PTH to him! He should have thought of that when you asked him to fix this, wash that, not do this/that/this. You let him try doing all of the above once you've got a solicitor on your side - a solicitor who makes notes that the family court judge reads before deciding on your settlement amount and legal boundaries to be adhered to!
As for calling you all night? It's called, unplug the phone before lights out. SIMPLES!
Your solicitor will take ALL of that into account during the consultation and make befitting, legal safeguards...including an injunction, if necessary.
The law is there to be used as a public servant, LIL. Use it.