Who's in the wrong here?
ZAC - Mar 10 2015 at 05:12
Okay here's my situation.
There's a girl I really like, we've been talking for around 6 months.
We went on a third date 4 weeks ago, ended up having sex and blah blah. We had a really good time. I even kissed her goodbye at the end, and she said see you next time.
Anyway, we talked 24/7 after that via text message (over 20 thousand messages), but something would always come up when we made plans, was always on her behalf.
Now here's where it gets tricky. She talks to one of my best mates as well.
The other night, she was at her friends party, she got really drunk and was talking to my friend really kinky, like what she previously has done with me; but a lot more in detail. About what she wants to do to him for example. And how talking to him makes her happy.
I trusted my friend, hence why I didn't mind him talking to her. He told me what she had said the next day in confidence anyway.
Okay, at this point she doesn't know that my friend has told me this. 2 days later, my friend tells me something else, that she wasn't all that keen on me, and that she only wants to have fun. I would never have guessed, I didn't think she was like that.
The same day, he admits to me she has sent him nudes. Again this was all in confidence, she doesn't know that I know any of this.
I asked my friend if he was planning to do anything with her, he said not at the moment. I told him that if he did anything with her, we would lose our friendship.
My friend, has... different views on life. He doesn't believe in that rule of the bro code as such. He asked me (hypothetically) 'why would you deny someone happiness just because you tried and failed' and I really didn't know how to reply. We had a big argument over all of this, because we have different views on different things. I kept saying if he did anything with her, I would take it as a complete betrayal of trust, and our friendship would be no more. He said that was dumb and I need to re-evaluate my life.
At the end of the argument, I asked him one final time if he was going to do anything with her. He replied "Currently not at the moment". Which leaves the loophole that he may be planning on doing things with her in the future.
I want to message the girl, and confront her about all of this, however she does not know that my friend has told me all this information. My friend also told me if I did confront her and bring up the information he told me, he would take that as a betrayal of HIS trust, and that would also end our friendship.
Hence if I did confront her, I run the risk of losing my friend AND the girl.
I know I need to get over this girl, she isn't the one. But damn, it's hard. 6 Months of talking all the time and it results to this?
But back to my question, who's in the wrong here? Who's more to blame? What do i do? Please help me out
I want answers from the girl, and I don't want to lose my mate.
And I don't think a relationship is salvageable from this, unless the girl has some super amazing reason for all this.
If he does do anything with her, our friendship would be no more, and if i confront her WITH the information he's told me, I will also lose my mate.
I'm in a pickle, please help me out
From the sounds of it what she did to you was wrong as she led you on under false pretenses and that is a hurtful and selfish act on her behalf, i dont think what your friend is doing is inherently wrong as are not with the girl and at the end of the day it is fine for any two or more consenting adults to sleep together, but if he was a good mate he should take your feelings into consideration more and perhaps wait an appropriate amount of time (based on however long you were seeing this girl) for you to get over those feelings before jumping in your grave so to speak. If the girl has lied to you before im not sure you will really get answers and as good as answers or some kind of closure can be sometimes we dont always get that from people, not sure if this helped, people can be shit sometimes :/
Well it seems to me that your friend is of the rare loyal doesn't really get angry type, and a little like me. The reason he's probably saying "Not at the moment" can mean 2 things, either he's planing something but not ready to implement it till her relationship is off with you or he just likes to keep his options open, hopefully it's the latter. In any case your friend is trustworthy and if he does go out with her then it isn't a betrayal of trust because he was up front with you about everything from her flirting to the pictures she sent and told the truth, and yes I agree with his point about people being happy but you argued your point wrong with him I think. You should have told him that if he does end up going out with her then an action like that will hurt your feelings deeply if he is a good friend he will recognize this and not make any moves or at the very least he would wait for a while till you got over her. As for confronting your girlfriend about it, the ironic thing here is you don't need to. If she wants to end the relationship then she has to come and talk to you and that is your opportunity. In the mean time you can bitch and moan about how your not spending enough time together and organize weekend events. Now if you do want to confront her, confront her on the stuff that your friend didn't tell you but you noticed of your own accord for example how whenever you made plans something would always come up on her behalf.