A strange feeling I get
First of all I would like to apologize for any grammatical mistakes or any other mistakes in terms of language, I'm not a native speaker.
never really knew how to describe this feeling. Honestly though, I never even bothered trying to explain it to somebody, cos I am certain that people would think I have depressions or mental problems, which would cause people to worry, which ends up in stuff that annoys me.
The simple word "dissatisfaction" comes closest, yet it is not this feeling of dissatisfaction you get when you desperately await something to be delivered by mail on the weekend and you wait all day, just to face at 5pm that it will first arrive next week, cos mail is not delivered on sundays. My feeling goes deeper. This is pretty much my first effort of trying to explain what I feel, and the reasons I feel like this.
Annoyingly enough I will first have to talk about me. So I'm a rather young person, 19 of age, and quite successful in life. I've graduated in College with good grades, especially if you consider that I chose the wrong college, specialized on Economy and Management, which turned out to be the most hatred thing I did so far.I am fluent in 2 languages, and can have basic conversations in 5 others. Out of boredom I taught myself the korean alphabet. I have a shitload of friends, a decent amount of money on my bank account (considering that I am studying at a University right now & do not have a job), a great family and a beautiful girlfriend. I get told I am a charming, funny, guy that is quite good looking. Yeah that is me. If you read it like that, I should be happy with what I have or what I am. But every once in a while, when there is time to relax and think, I get this feeling of pure disatisfaction and sadness. I often have it when I finished a story, whether it is a book, a manga or an anime. It also crawls up my mind at night, when I'm laying in my bed.
I am not one of those anime obsessed people, I find this whole Otaku culture rather odd and would never think of doing a cosplay, even though I don't mind the people doing it.
I'm on University now for half a year and I immediately made a lot friends. But over these months I understood that what I was doing in University, and where it will lead me to in my later life is not where I want to go. It is a University program that is designed to give you the foundation of a big career. My mind however, has changed over the time. I chose my college based on what would make me successful in life, and I thought Management and Economy could not be better for that. I hated it, but I did it anyway, with the mindset of wanting to have a big house & a big sportscar. The dream everybody has at some point, the dream of being rich. With the same mindset I chose my University program.
But my mind changed, I now understand what I want in life. I want to be happy with what I am doing. It is not about money, it is about being satisfied and happy with your life. I want a normal life, an easy life. I don't want to be the person sitting 10 hours in an office all day, completely stressed out and unhappy. I rather not drive a great sports car with a big engine. I don't need a big designer house. I don't want all that stuff, I don't need it. I decided to quit this University program, and go for something that I enjoy doing. I wanna look into creative things, I wanna do something creative. I know things like that can get stressful too, I know that there will be times where you don't like certain aspects, I'm not naive, but in the end of the day, I want to be satisfied and know that it is the right thing for me.
However, I am scared. Scared that I will not be able to find a right program for me, that I won't get enrolled, that I suck at it, things like that. But I guess that is the risk I have to take, and that is the risk I am willing to take. But the fear is still there, and it bothers me.
After I read stories like Manga or Anime, I often look back at my life, and see that there is something missing, and that is somebody who is there for me. This might sound weird to you now, cos I just described that I have a loving girlfriend, a great family and lots of friends.To understand me, I will describe things closer.
I know I am about to become an adult, just like my friends, and with that a lot of duties come as well. But for some reason my friends are always somewhere where I cannot reach them. You know in those Mangas and Animes, there is always that one friend who is always there for you, who you can tell everything to, and who is always willing to go on an adventure with you? I don't have such a person. My three closest friends are great, lovely guys, but somehow I never had the feeling that I could openly talk about my feelings with them. I never get to see them when I need them. I don't blame them for that, they have their own lifes, they have to go to work, they have their own shit to deal with, but this feeling is still there. After I got this feeling today, I asked one of them, who is not working yet, if he' be up to go to a big city by bus with me next week, just having an adventure again. Too busy, has to go to a birthday, grandma is coming, already doing something with his girlfriend. I asked him if he'd be up to hang out today, but he did not have time. He would be up for a round of a video game though, we could have a skype call while doing so. That is not a replacement. Besides, he plays that game way too often anyway. The weather is beautiful today, for the first time of the year. I don't want to sit in my room all day. I want to have an adventure, with a friend like a brother, a friend that is close to me. So I spent my time reading Mangas down in the living room with the big windows where the sun comes through, cos it was still a bit too chilly to sit outside without moving.
If it works out well, I see my 3 best friends once every weekend, for an evening where we just chill together, maybe watch a movie or something like that. For the rest of the time that I am not in unversity, I am alone.
I am sure, at this point you are wondering about my girlfriend, but I will get to that later.
I feel like I could just leave every friend I have behind and move somewhere else. Just move away, make new bonds with new people, find a friend that wants to do anything together with me.
My family is lovely, they are awesome. But I don't want them to cope with my stuff, especially if i can't really describe the way I feel. My sister just moved out, she is writing her bachelor's thesis right now. My grandpa from my mothers site can't get out of bed anymore, he has Alzheimer's and recently got diagnosed other stuff, that is even worse. She cries a lot and I don't want her to be uncalm about me. My dad is a great man, but he is very busy with work, doing a lot of nightshifts. And as much as one loves the family, there are certain things one just does not want to tell them.
My girlfriend lives in another country, I am in a long distance relationship with her. The distance has always been a pain, but we always had a goal which kept us hoping. This goal is now very close, or I thought it would be. I only see her very little, sometimes there are 4 month between us being able to meet up. However I always felt and feel like it is worth it. I feel like right now we are stuck in an everyday scheme of our relationship. We are in contact constantly through messengers. It feels like there is a plan we follow every day of writing and talking, certain things you write or say in a certain conversation or situation, a certain way you react and we even have specific ways of saying good night and good bye. It feels like a scheme you just follow. A scheme you are stuck in. This is only in the times we don't see each other though. When I am at hers ar she is at mine, things are different and I enjoy my time extremly. However, that is only every 4 month or so for a week each time. After that you get back to this scheme, which feels like it takes a bit of freedom from me. All that is finished off with at least two hearts in every message we write, which is quite cheesy ( and a bit annoying in my opinion, but she thinks something is wrong or I am angry if I don't add them). It often feels like out of boredom and since we don't know what to write, we just write " i love you". She wanted to study in my country at a University that teaches on english, close to my home, so we could finally have a proper relationship. Her graduation is soon to come, but she recently told me that she would rather not go to University, but start working. Her plan is now, that she's going to apply for jobs in her country, my country, and an english speaking country. Since my country is not native english speaking, and she only has very limited knowledge of my country's language, it is most likely that she won't get a job here. It is her future, and who am I to tell her or even affect her decision in any way. So I don't want to and won't tell her the way I see it. That would mean another 3 years of schemed writing over text messengers & a bit of skype every now and then.
With that, I feel like I lose the last person that could be the one I need. So what is this feeling? Dissatisfaction mixed with loneliness? It's terrible, and I want it to stop.