Found the spark with someone but.....
Hello friends -
This is my first post on this forum and I sincerely thank all those who would take their time to respond and advice. I am in a strange situation and I will explain how...
I am 36 years male, divorced and separated from my second wife. I have a girl child living with the mother. My story with my marraiges has been one of disconnection, married in haste and/or did not find that spark in the relarionship as it developed. I tend to think that even with my first wife with whom I was in a long distance relationship and then married for 5 years, I failed to find that connect that keeps things interesting. It slowly waned away and we moved apart resulting in divorce.
I had been hasty with my second marraige and soon afterwards I found that there were various differences in our upbrinings, culture and I could not see these .....my mistake!! Having the kid early was the second mistake within a year of marraige.
As you can understand, its been a terrible last few years and I have suffered greatly but I have surviced thus far by holding on to the belief that without connection, I cannot go through with life.....
Now for some happy statements. Suddenly, I found this girl at work and we came together for a corporate event where both of us participated. We hot it off right from the bat in terns of our thinking about certain thing in life, our complimentarities, she is more creative that I am even though we are both engineers ( I also happen to have a masters - MBA), our intention to start on our own when we find that calling....and we texted endlessly excha ging ideas and with every set of exchanges, we started feeling closer to each other. So, this conenction culminated in a lunch date last week where we shared our relationship stories.
HHer Story: She is about 28 years old and had a relationship in her previous organization when she was 23. Her relationship was with a man who was going to et married in 10 months but they hit it off and were deeply in love. Even though they tried, they could not avoid the boys marraige to his long standing gf of 12 years even though that boy had tried. But afterwards, she and her friend continued with her relationship for another 3 years but finally she decided to come away from that failed relationshop as it was hurting her too much to have gone through an excruciating day of the marraige and knowing that person will never be hers even though the boy had tried to talk to her dad who had shot the idea down since it involved a lot of heartburn and also there are societal element ( your daughter in love with a married man is not exactly what the parents might like).
So, now, she has finally agreed to marry this guy with whom her parents fixed her marraige. Her marraige is in 5 months in August. Now, we have fallen for each other and we know there is a certain spark in this relationship that I have never felt before in my 2 failed marraiges. I know I can be myself with her, I can connect, show my weakness, cry, be vulnerable in front of her and she will not judge. She has been the same. We have started to know each other and we are liking what we have found.
Even though she has found the connection with me, she does not want to break of her marraige due to the most obvious reasons - money being spent, family honor, parental happiness. Even though she has made it clear that she will not be able to break off her marraige, there is a side of her which is open to this relationship. We want to spend time everyday and we find ways to do that at work without making it too obvious. Our texting has continued sharing our deepest emotions, feelings. We are coming close everyday..
Something funny happened today. We bunked our office and went on a 2 hour drive quite spontaneously and had a great time joking around and sharing our childhood stories. But after we left each other, she texted me saying that she was in great emotional turmoil and thinking about her first love and feeling disloyal towards him. My thinking is if we are able to create the magic so that she remembers and somehow mentally compares with her first love, it speaks about our spark as well indirectly maybe.
1. What should I do? Should I just let her get married in 5 months and then I would have lost the best connection with another human being I ever had or should we take it as it comes and in a few months take a call?
2. I think its dejavu for her. The same situation only the positions have changed. She was at the receiving end in her last relationship and I am in this one.....both cases one persons marraige has been fixed. Do you think that since her bf could not break his engagement and went through with his marraige, she might want to do an action replay of the same and might want me to feel the pain of going through someones marraie when u want to be with that person ( she does say that she does not want me to go through this pain ).
3. I have asked her why is she in this relationship with me when she is getting maried? She says that she wants to feel that happiness and make me happy as well with the moments we spend together.....she knows she cant break her marraige now and even I cant say that we will be together because that would mean expecting her marraie to fizzle out.
4. Her fiancee is in another city and they keep in touch over the phone but she says that she has not found the same connect with him as she has with me but she will not budge from her commitment.
I am really confused, I know no one knows the future and it is uncertain and I want to hop that some kind of a miracl wil happen or we will fall in love and want to see it through? Of course my curent life situation does not make it any more easier but she has really been open to accept me as the person and not judge me based on what has happened to me.
Please help. Even though we are spending lot of time together I somehow feel time is running out.
You are "separated" - not divorced? Then you are not ready or even able to start up with another woman before that gets settled.
Perhaps your new "friend" sees that. You don't have a trustworthy past, sir.
You said, "she knows she cant break her marraige now." Oh yes she could! It happens all the time. Five months is plenty of time to stop a marriage. Her excuses are not valid. She is just not willing to do that for you.
Please see this correctly: Right now you have made a job connection - sparked with a lot of emotion, fun and ON YOUR SIDE, some infatuation and excitement. She seems more hesitant. She does not seem as intent as you. Besides, her fiance is not even around.
She is still in love with him. She has a "different" connect with him: It's called "marriage."
Step back before you really get hurt. Finish up your past before trying to fill that "hole" in your life that you say has never been filled.
You do not want more children, you lost the spark in your other marriages-ok. I think you should live with your next one and have it be a little less pressured. This seems too intense and sudden. Let her go because if she wanted you she would let him go. This money and honor thing is an excuse.