Long distance relationship help
Me and my bf been doing this ldr for about a year and a half. We call each other all the time but when he is with his friends i try not to bug him because i dont want to make him feel like im checking up on him so i hardly call him, but now he is really upset because i dont call him, not because i dont want to but because i dont want him to think of me as a paranoid gf. So confused dont know what to do. I thought i was doing a good thing but apparently im not. Feeling very sad and lonely
Ex-long-distance soldier (now married), reporting for duty!
Do NOT try to manage his attitude and feelings, their HIS. You want to call him? CALL HIM. You're a year-and-a-half in, you don't need to be all ladylike-ly letting him do all the contacting, still, like you're still in the chase and woo stage. Do, however, keep it to a 70:30 ratio because, regardless of stages, men like to feel they're the captain of the relationship ship [wasn't a stuh-stuh-stuh-stutter].
What you're doing for fear of colliding with the oncoming traffic is paying too much attention to the oncoming traffic. Your eyes dictate your arms and hands, meaning, what you fixate on is what you drive into. Self-fulfilling negative prophesy: 1. You: Nil.
Just TELL him you were just trying not to come over all clingy and insecure when you're not. How are you two going to become one if you keep keeping your minds and their products SEPARATE? He should know when you FART (and vice versa).
What did he say? Are you trying to tell me it ended in a barnie and he said it's over? (I wouldn't believe him if I were you - it's never over unless the statement is said during dead calm periods not still 'connected' to the aftermath of a previous spat).
Dear soulmate. ..thank you so much for responding. Well we talked today in the morning and apparently he was having a bad day. We never fight thats why i panicked and didn't know what to do about the situation cuz he seemed really upset and i felt like i did something wrong. But you are right if i feel like calling him . I AM GOING TO CALL HIM. Im just going to be myself and not hold back. We have an amazing relationship and we are truly blessed but he is having family issues and i think he just felt lonely and exploded but he did apologize and i been calling him to check up on him to see if he is ok.. i am supposed to relocate so i can be with him. I dont like being away from him but its all worth the wait.. thank you so much for your support. Many blessings your way
'Don't like' being away from him? TELL ME ABOUD ID! It's HELL! Long-distance relationships with-a-purpose are NOT for the feint-hearted! Emotional wimps, forget it - stick to someone 'down the road' whom you can rush round to see on a whim or because you had a nightmare you couldn't shake off!
Our plan was 2 years but by end of year 1 we just couldn't take it any more. We'd both test-driven each other at breakneck speed and 'abyss'-type depth, anyway, so to keep erring on the side of caution seemed silly and pointless. Plus we were in danger of blowing up our phones from blubbing into them the whole time, LOL. So seriously - major kudos to you!
Anyhoo... Don't bog off just yet; there's more to this than meets the eye.
"Im just going to be myself and not hold back. "
Noooo..that's not what I said. I said, 70:30 (that's he calls nights 1 and 2, you call night 3). So, yes, you DO hold back, just that bit.
Some blokes ask you nicely if you could do more of the workload (or - if they still have a bit of ex-relationship baggage -complain that they're doing it all) because they genuinely want the workload to become more SHARED, in line with what they envisage the relationship will/should be like once you're married. But some are secret lazy arses who make you feel so guilty and/or sorry for them, that, naturally, you increasingly end up making ALL the effort...whereupon it hits you but is too late to change. So don't. Still leave him his lion's share.
That is fair, you know, when  they insist on you viewing them as the 'lions' and  because the wooing period is still running despite no longer, the chase. Once this new status quo has been insitu for long enough that it's become a concrete habit unlikely to ever get dropped or forgotten, no matter what excluding major bolts from the Blue, THEN you can do 50% of the phoning like a wifey or wifey-to-be... although, IDEALLY, even then I wouldn't recommend it - for the simple reason that men like challenge and bloody LOVE things/people they have to work their round objects off for. They make direct correlation between that and a thing's value ("Look at my shiny, new BMW. Cost me LOADS, took me AGES in overtime to pay for it! Isn't it a cracker. OY, DON'T TOUCH IT, I'VE JUST POLISHED THAT BIT!"
That's the theory, but now the practical. I know he and you put it down to his family issues, but (no offense), I'm not interested in what you two merely think you think (or what he does, with you accepting it). So why did his 'request' have to turn into an actual argument, considering family issues isn't an excuse? Did something else tip him over the edge? Is that relocation looming, meaning, 'so near yet so far', meaning, him starting to panic (that you might pull out at the last minute) as well as losing his patience? Was he, do you suppose, testing you out...to see how easily push-away-able you were as some sort of indication of your true, longer-term commitment?
If it's NOT imminent then tread carefully because it COULD be that he's a button-pusher who measures your feelings for him by how UPSET he can make you (using whatever seemingly plausible reason or excuse to-hand), instead of being vulnerable enough to just ask you straight-up, nicely.
It's important to identify which because, be honest, you don't want your future husband to be the type who thinks he can constantly take it out on you whenever he's got toothache or a colleague at work's given him a hard time or he's got male PMT, do you.
So - which?
PS: Just one thing, though. What do you MEAN you're "supposed" to be relocating to be with him?
Please witness the chasmic difference of what you wrote against the orthodox and ideal:
"I'm going to be relocating so we can be together".
You wrote [my caps]: "I'm SUPPOSED to relocate so I CAN BE WITH HIM"
You SURE you're sure? And LONG-TERM? Is THAT why he came up with this great excuse on the back of this 'family issue' pretext to 'have to' push your buttons?...Because you've given him counter signs or vibes and he wanted to see how loudly when push came to shove your heart went "OW!" and how copiously your eyes went "splosh!"?
??? Anyways.. i never been on a website like this and now i know why.. because honestly i didn't ask for anyone to correct me on my grammar and say all that negativity you had to say. I was just in need of someone to hear me out. I dont know you and u definitely dont know us. Just because of what i wrote or how i wrote it dont mean you have the right to judge or assume. I made a big mistake getting on this stupid website with people like you.
You're obviously - or hopefully! - still stressed out and defensive from your fight because I didn't say anything negative, I QUERIED you about any POTENTIAL negatives based on little clues that stuck out at me - negatives that ALL relationships become subjected to, being as how, comprised merely of PEOPLE, none are perfect or completely without some issues. I presumed that someone who's indicated she cares so majorly about the future quality of her relationship would appreciate me pointing out where she might need to run the hoover round next time she had it out, so to speak. Plus asking you if you're feeling as sure as you could be as opposed to experiencing nervousness at something as drastic as permanently uprooting your entire life to another state or country, or asking you if he's a normal bloke, as such apt to take his moodies out on his partner, is hardly a cause for melodrama. It certainly didn't call for downright obnoxiousness.
Let me just put you and anyone else who visits here straight. This is not MacDonalds where you get to be master and the advisers your slaves, getting only what you specifically asked for and no more, for free. Its members, including me, have the liberty of autonomy and initiative to say so if and when they spot future thorn bushes that need pruning when still in bud form.
You haven't got the sensible foresight to want a relationship 'MOT' check or can't handle it when someone obviously flicks a nerve? That's your problem. But if THAT'S how you react to well-meaning enquiries then I'm not surprised his own about why you weren't taking your share of phoning ended up in a fight. So thanks for flashing that ruddy great thorn bush, Voilet-Elizabeth.
Oh, and FYI, the word is 'doesn't'.