Am I his second option?
Hi, I am 20 years old. I'm a girl. My problem may seem childish to some people, but I don't know where else to go for advice and this problem is eating away at me. I have a boyfriend of 2 years now. I love him very much and I know he loves me. He has a female friend who he seems to be very fond of. He's been friends with this girl for about 2 years. I met her about a year ago. She's a really nice girl and I have absolutely nothing against her. My boyfriend has always expressed how "hot" she is to all his friends. He puts her up on a pedestal, talking about how "she's the most genuine girl I know". Know I'm not the type of girl to get jealous...ever. I don't know if this is just jealousy or justified.
This past Valentine's Day was not exactly how I expected. I didn't expect some huge expensive gift. I just thought it would be a little more thoughtful than: being late to pick me up because he had to quickly stop buy the store to buy flowers and chocolate. I spent hours trying to think of the perfect gift for him...and I hit it dead on the spot. I know that probably sounds stupid, but when two weeks later he buys this girl a very thoughtful present for her birthday, it kind of stings.
I was shopping online for a nice dress for my birthday and when I pick one up he says "oh, (girl who won't be named) has a dress exactly like that! Whenever I'm with my boyfriend he brings up this girl at least once every time. He makes time to go to the gym with her, but when I want to go my schedule doesn't work for him.
Now my boyfriend is planning on going to Cuba with a group of friends (who are all in relationships except for this girl). I cannot go because I'm trying to save my money. My birthday falls right in the middle of his trip so he won't be here for it.
Now here are some questions that are eating away at me:
Is he in love with this girl?
Am I his second option?
Am I just being jealous?
Is it wrong of me to not want him to go on the Cuba trip?
Again, these problems may seem childish, but I cry myself to sleep almost every night because of this. If anyone has any advice I would really appreciate it
This girl came into your lives AFTER you two were seeing each other?
Something's very wrong here. Her needs and his attention to her are constantly being addressed. YOU seem more in the "friend zone" that she is.
What is is telling her about YOU? Why on earth would she be in this kind of relationship with him?
AND . . . She is going to Cuba, also, with this group?
Whoa - Time to get out of this relationship ASAP. I'm sorry, but you are probably going to be dropped after the Cuba trip, anyway.
Being a guy, I can tell you that from my point of view, this dude is interested in her. He may have no intention of doing anything about it and it may be a fantasy of sorts for him that he wouldn't ever want to become real ( a little escapism), but there is definitely something there. Does he go to this trouble for his male pals? Special birthday gifts etc.. if he does then cool, he just takes you a bit for granted, if not then be careful. I have both male and female friends, and there is definitely a female friend who I go overboard with compared to my other mates and this is soley because I have a bit of an attraction to her. I have no intention of asking her our or trying to date her. Also the difference her is that I am single and would seriously check myself if I put her needs above a partners if I was in a relationship.
Advice wise, I have no idea how you would handle this tbh, that is up to you, Susiedqqq may be right here. I do know he should pay more attention to you being happy than this other girl though, that needs to change.
Something isn't right with this. I admire you so much, because I would have LOST IT. I'm only eleven, yet I understand these things, I swear I can. I read a lot. Please just read it.
Anyway, if he makes more time to hang out with her than you, maybe it isn't working out. He seems to want everyone to know about her more than you, which sucks, since you seem nice. The part about him bringing her up is wierd, but it's not that bad. The rest of it is.
I would consider a breakup, because, I'm trying not to sound harsh, but yeah, you seem like his second option. (This doesn't mean you're bad, or that it's true, since I don't know the guy.) If you can't break it off, you might want to talk to him. You have to face this sooner or later, and talking it out CALMLY might help. (Unless you're crzy like my mom and it ends in divorce and craziness,)
Hope it helped.
Thank you, all of you! I really appreciate hearing all of your input!
I was a bit emotional when I wrote my post so I probably should mention the good side to my boyfriend. My boyfriend is very good to me. He does a lot for me, but at the same time I know he takes me for granted quite a bit (I may be guilty of the same every once in a while). I know he loves me very much, I shut him out for a week a couple months ago, when it had gotten to a point where the situation was really bothering me, and he showed up at my place everyday and would try and get me to open up to him and it got to the point where he started crying (I'm very bad when it comes to opening up. It may be because I'm still young or it may be for some other underlying psychological reason. I am a very good actress though and can hide my emotions perfectly-which isn't always a good thing.). I never did tell him why I was shutting him out but I stopped shutting him out because it was too hard for me to stay away from him (sorry if that sounded cheesy). It bothered him not knowing the reason but eventually he dropped it because I can be very stubborn sometimes.
And this is when I feel like I'm just being a jealous girlfriend because would he put that much effort into keeping me just to throw it away on this other girl?
But then there's all the things I mentioned in my original post that make me think he might do something with this girl.
Also, I had forgotten to mention in my original post that in November I had mentioned to my boyfriend that I wanted to go on a Cuba trip with him and our friends not this summer, but the following summer. And his response was that he didn't want to go. He wanted to save up his money so he could go back home to visit his family. Yet as soon as a Cuba trip with this girl is brought up he decides to go.
My boyfriend met both me and this girl around the same time (within a few weeks).
And yes she is also going on the Cuba trip.
Yeah I figured he has some sort of crush on her. I'm not upset about that because even I find other guys attractive, but obviously I don't want to do anything with them. I'm more upset about the fact that he always has to bring her up. He even once casually asked me if I'd have a threesome with her.
He doesn't go out of his way for his other friends like he does with her, in fact he can be cheap when it comes to his friends as well as me sometimes.
Yes I think I may try to talk to him about this. I'm very guarded when it comes to talking about how I feel so it may take me a bit to build up some courage!
Good heavens, girl! Speak up!!
(all this time I thought you two were discussing/fighting about his attention to another girl. You have been silent?
You must speak up - or you will regret it later.
Men aren't mind readers, in fact, they are quite dense in the subtle and often, the obvious. Let him know how you feel.
Do not approve of this Cuba trip unless YOU feel assured that they are just friends. Clarify that with him right now so you aren't left holding the bag.Since he didn't pay any attention to your wishes that you go next year, and he plans to go this year, he better well have a reason why he doesn't want to wait for you.)
"Men aren't mind readers, in fact, they are quite dense in the subtle and often, the obvious. Let him know how you feel. "
^^ Yes, admittedly true.
Thanks again guys! Yeah I've realized by not telling him I was being stupid/immature. I'm going to talk to him in the next couple days. I'll keep you posted!
You must tell your boyfriend how you feel. He obviously has some attraction/affection for this girl but should be prepared to restrict contact or modify his behaviour when he realises how much this upsets you. Work out what level of interaction you can cope with. I for one would not be happy about the Cuba trip. Your jealousy is natural given the attention he gives this other girl. You say you like her but are you sure her intentions are completely honourable? Does your boyfriend see her alone or part of a larger group of friends? Are you always invited along? I note they go to the gym together. On a plus point he does seem to be open about their friendship and not try and hide it from you. I hope you work things out.