Am I jealous or is my husband controlling?
My husband makes a ton of money, and is terrible at managing it. I manage to make do with a small (less than half his pay) stipend and I work, sometimes 7 days a week. With that money, I pay all our bills, even bought us a house, all from the stipend and my money. Ive never stolen from him or done anything shady to give him a reason not to trust me with money. My husband was unemployed for three months. I killed myself working doubles and weekends trying to keep us above water. Yesterday, he finally got a deposit to start working again. While I was at work, he received the money and ran around town spending it as fast as he could. $500 for new truck tires, take the kids shopping, spend, spend, spend, and in the meantime I have a stack of bills that need to be paid, Im putting air in my tire every couple days, I cant afford an oil change if I want to keep all the utilities on, I dont even have a decent pair of shoes to wear to work, and Im looking at maybe a day off, maybe, 9 days from now. When I tried to explain to my husband how unfair I thought it was that he got a vacation, and I got to work harder, and now he is the only one benefitting from his money, Im still working, working, working. He told me that I was jealous because he makes more money than I do. Hes right. I want to be able to make $70,000. Blow it all, get three months off, and have someone to keep the electricity on and food in my belly. Im so hurt that he is acting like this, and hes so mad that Im upset? How do I make peace with myself. Im always going to have to work 50 hours a week to survive and he is always going to work half as much and make twice as much, and never share. Whats his is his, and whats mine is ours.
Work less , and only pay your share of utilities , and when they get turned off, then move on. This would allow you to do things yourself that need to get done, like getting an oil change. If your husband refuses to keep up the utilities, maybe he needs some financial counseling or even psychological counseling, as he seems very immature. Also, if your utility bills are so high that you have to work 50 hours a week 7 days a week to pay them, and you still can't pay them, then maybe move to a smaller place.
In general, there is no excuse for the woman to work harder than the man for any reason. If he cannot find a solution, then consider counseling. If he still refuses, then really consider life as a single mom. Single moms do it everyday. Stop paying utilities and pocket the money because you will need it. Start saving for a small place or maybe stay at a relatives or your moms and start saving all your money and put it in a private bank account.
Please email me at jasonemmettmyers@gmail,com if you have any questions. I am married, so not looking for a hookup or anything.
It's too bad that this situation was even allowed to develop over the years into a real lopsided commitment to household finances.
He has not contributed ANYTHING, according to you. Yet, all this time, he has been allowed to spend like a drunken sailor.
Call a "family conference" and put the bills on the table and say, "Contribute to these. They will stay on the table until they get paid. Here's what I can contribute. You pay the rest.'
Then - for goodness sake, start taking care of yourself. You can continue the martyr role, but that's how your children are seeing you. You have been the victim of financial abuse, for sure. Stop being a willing victim.
Get your hair done, new clothes and shoes and drop back to part-time employment before you wind up dead from being thrown under the bus.
If that doesn't work, see a lawyer. Then a judge will decide how much he pays for household expenses and he will be surprised.
if he doesn't share u don't too. try to find a job that is less hectic and more money so that u can relax enjoy. be very clear that you want him to share.
Look, this seems like a toxic relationship. I don't think you realize the true depth Of this problem. I'm going to level with you. I'm eleven years old, but I understand adult problems, better than some adults. My mother nearly died before my parents divorced when I was seven because she was overworked, and my dad was an idiot. You could get sicknor worse if this continues, so talk to him again, and this time, don't let it end like it did with him accusing you of being jealous. Tell him that you need him to contribute, and that if he won't help pay the bills and the family expenses, you will only pay what YOU need to.
Another thing, he doesn't see your needs, doesn't see your struggling, then consider a divorce. I know it's a big step, and it's hard, but he isn't treating you fairly, and it would be good in the long run, if you do it well. Divorce doesnt have to be unhappy. My parents have a good divorce, and I see my dad a lot, even if I don't like him, I still love him.
Hope it helps.
Let me explain a little better. Although he is a selfish bastard, he always worked and made money, he just sucks at it. We aren't talking just utilities, we are talking oil heat, mortgage, car insurance, life insurance, etc....we've been together since 1998, moved in together 2001, married 2004. So you see I took my time. This is the worst it's ever been, and I've kept my mouth shut for that reason. He's not sure why I'm mad, but to keep peace he went and got me a $50.00 gift certificate at the salon (haven't had time to use the one from Christmas yet). He also bought me about $30 in all trivial things that I lice, but I still have to work sat and sun, I still owe the electric company $600, I still owe the oil man , etc. that's EXACTLY, why I'm mad. His heart is in the right place, but his brain is not. even the mortgage people were unable to explain to him what you are supposed to do with your money. He's crazy, and he thinks everyone else is crazy. The worst part is that he is not a drug addict, and yes, he does drink at home, and not enough to complain about about. The way things developed into this...I was always independent and had no problem with our payment arrangement in the beginning. When I had a baby, and he still expected me to contribute the same amount is when the problem started. I chose to quit my job, and bartender/waitress nights and weekends so I could be home for the kids. When I was ready to go back to work, there were no jobs. So now I clean houses. It's hard work, and not what I planned, but it's keeping us going. When he stopped living up to his end of the payment arrangement, I asked that we open a joint act for the household and put the same amount in every week, that was working for awhile. At most it would be 40% of his income, but always 90% of mine, sometimes. I just don't have it all, and it's a fight. The last time we were in this situation, when the job came through, he gave me $3,000, we were at least $1000 behind, $1000 for the mortgage and he didn't give me any more money until I couldn't pay the mortgage, and asked and he acted like I stole that $3000, like it should have lasted forever. Also, as far as divorce, I keep coming back to...we can't afford what we have (which believe me, we live right at the poverty line no matter what his paycheck says), if we can't afford this how can we maintain two residences?
See, thats the thing. If you are on the poverty line, you cant support yourselves financially, so you need to make a change or fall deeper in 'debt.' (I mean as in bills.) Maybe consider moving to a cheaper place. i think one issue is that he doesnt realize how much you owe to bills. show him, and explain how you do not make enough to cover it. Also, you can tell him that he might put more money towards expenses and less into gifts. Sometimes people can get really oblivious of you dont explain it step by step.
I wonder what he IS doing with his money?
What happens when you hand him the bills? Then walk away?
Your care-taking is going to put you into an early grave. You MUST make him more responsible.