Is he or isn't he? That's the question...
First time posting here and just wanted some views on a current problem that I have at the moment with this guy.
I'm a 22 year old gay guy, have been out since I was 15. I still have some unresolved issues surrounding my sexuality but I’ve dealt with them as best as one could, considering the circumstances.
Recently, I met this boy at a friends’ party and for the sake of this conversation, I will name him J.
I was instantly attracted to him (physically) and so began to chat to him and eventually we started hanging out. I later found out that he used to go to my primary school but it completely escaped me as this had to be over 10 years since I last saw him.*
The first time we were hanging out, we played Xbox and just chilled at my place. He stayed the night and in the morning, he instigated cuddling me in bed. I reciprocated but that was all. He’s also very touchy-feely in the sense that he will tickle and poke & prod me.
The second time we hung out, I took him out on my motorbike to a nice little spot I visit when I want to clear my head or just get away from it all; then we went back to his and we hung out there. Again, playing Xbox and just doing what lads do. Before we went to sleep we lay there cuddling. In the morning (again) he instigated cuddles but there was a moment where he seemed to sign or become annoyed/frustrated and move my hand away and turn over so that made me feel a bit awkward, as if I had crossed some sort of line so I got ready to leave.
As I got home, he’s messaged me thanking me for chilling with him and for the drive so I felt it was a good opportunity to perhaps ask him if I was barking up the wrong tree to which he responded “No, you’re not.”
I then met up with him a couple of days after and went to his house again but this time we started play fighting and wrestling for a good while and during this time, he’s touching me (on purpose) in… let’s just say… ‘my bathing suit parts’. After we’ve tired ourselves out, we were just lying there arm-in-arm until he’s pulled me closer which I’ve stupidly taken as a signal and leant in to kiss him but he’s blatantly turned away and rejected that. So by this time I’ve gotten a bit annoyed at the fact that I’m getting mixed messages and keep getting played in whichever game he is enjoying playing. So the conversation went like this, for ease of reading:
Me: I gotta ask this cause I’m a straight forward kinda so don’t take offence. You said I’m not barking up the wrong tree but I clearly am so I’d just much prefer to avoid any awkward situations or make you feel uncomfortable.
J: Na you don’t [I take it I don’t make him feel uncomfortable]
Me: Well sometimes it feels like I do make you uncomfortable
J: Why would you say that?
Me: I’d only say that ‘cause there’s a been a couple of times I thought we might fool around but then get the feeling you’re not into that.
J: Na I’m not but it’s cool bro it happens
Me: It’s not cool ‘cause if I had known that, it wouldn’t have happened because I wouldn’t have allowed it to. I don’t just go around trying to sleep with any man I see y’know.
And he basically agreed but didn’t say much or apologised or acknowledged anything. So now I want to just NOT talk to him and definitely do not want to chill with him again (despite what my lust says) but what should I do if he messages me again asking to chill? Should I hang out with him as platonic friends or should I just avoid it altogether? What if I do go ‘round as a friend and he starts with the touching? Do I just tell him exactly where I stand and tell him to either stop with the messages or we can’t hang out anymore? What are your thoughts on his actions and what they potentially mean?
And just to give you a brief overview that might answer a few replies:
- He’s already been with a bloke (a threesome, in fact)
- He doesn’t mind kissing blokes as he kissed the fact off of one at said party however he was off his face
- He openly identifies as ‘bi’ although he only talks about women. Never have I heard him speak about men.
Please, Internet. Shed some light.
This relationship is new, so don't rush it (the sex part) You haven't even kissed yet!
Continue to get to know each other and develop common interests, have fun, spend time together. THAT'S how it's supposed to happen.
PS I don't think your friend is as experienced as you think. That's OK, but it's another indication that things need to go more slowly.
Definitely not a relationship, don't see myself being with him as I couldn't trust him as far as I could throw him. And of course we haven't kissed yet - the one time I tried, he rejected me but he's more than willing to kiss other guys and sleep with them.
I think, based on how manipulative and controlling he is, the best thing I can do is stay away.
You are probably right. He sounds very confused about his sexuality which you do not need. But you can ask him what he expects of you if you want to.