Stuck in an imaginary loop
Hey people, I will try to condense this and explain it best I can.
I am friends with a woman, I met her 3 years ago and I have no idea what my feelings for her are. It's something I need help with, I realise there's a good chance we're both just a couple of weirdos but any help or insight from an outside point would be appreciated.
Grab some popcorn, this is going to take a while, haha.
When I met her, she had a boyfriend, they never spent much time together as he worked away. I never knew she had a partner, we just got along and chatted, nothing happened. After I found out I was disappointed, as I liked her a lot, so I put my feelings to one side and we were getting on fine as mates. She had shown no interest in me other than as a friend, which was cool. Now I need to fast forward this as not much happened other than us texting a fair bit. A few months,maybe a year passes and she stops talking to me as much, I get almost no communication from her other than the odd text saying she is too busy.
After a while she told me she felt bad as she looked forward to seeing me more than her boyfriend, but as much as I was thrilled by this, I would never have acted on it as she felt really guilty over it. Time went on she stopped speaking to me, or would only give short replies, whenever I saw her in person she would walk past me or ignore my attempts to speak to her. Obviously this p*ssed me off, so I made a point of pointing it out to her as she kept saying she was too busy to speak, which I knew wasn't entirely the case. Being honest I knew messaging her and asking was annoying her, but I was being petty at the time as I knew the busy thing was to avoid me ( I understand also that me pestering her was making her more determined in this ).
After this I made a vow to myself to try forget about her and if she contacted me I would ignore her. A month or so passed and out of the blue she texts me. I ignored it, again she texts me, just a normal text as if we had been talking the whole time. I ignored that aswell. Then she called, I ignored it but on the second call I answered, we started chatting and it was as it always was. She started calling me at random times, just being my usual friend, I was the same. For the next year or so we chatted but she would never meet with me in person though after that. It basically went on like this then she broke up with her boyfriend, we started hanging out a bit but not all the time, started talking more, sending daft pictures and sharing music etc. It was cool, then I started to get feelings for her, (this is the important bit) I think. It's odd as I dismissed the feelings and on some occassions I actually pushed them aside as if they weren't there and met other women. Something I don;t think I could do if I had real feelings for her surely? Anyway, she met a dude and at this point again stopped talking to me much and stopped meeting up with me again, I went on with my life forgetting about her mostly (after a month or two). The pattern seems to be after a few weeks of barely nay contact I manage to distract myself til I forget about her.
This guy dumped her and she called me upset a couple of times, which is something she always hid, always prided herself on being a strong person. At this point again I had pushed aside all feelings I had that were more than friendly feelings, she said she wished she get into a relationshiop someone like me, but not me as she's too scared of losing me ( I know the old friend zone chat when I hear it, haha ) so I joked as I do and then told her to be cool. I also told her from my view point as a guy, why he may have broken up with her the way he did. Turns out I was right.
We started talking and meeting up again, she did most of the contacting as I was busy with other things. She would send daft pictures (slightly revealing or dressed for a night out) and silly messages, sometimes drunk ones. Then when I start making jokes back and sending her stuff first, she starts pulling away and barely replying again. I actually had to give her an ultimatum at one point, which maybe isn't fair on her but I could see it going the same way as before with her becoming distant and suddenly being ultra busy when I talked to her, but still having time to sit about bored and going on random trips with her other friends. I basically told her that I wasn't having that again, that she can;t just pick and choose when she wants to be my friend ( this probably makes me sound bad ) but things changed and we started talking and hanging out.
Anyway, as this is dragging on a bit I'll try to condense the last bit. I have had a couple of short term relationships since she met and got dumped by the last dude, and I find myself comparing them to her, which I don't want to do.. she definitely isn't my type looking at it logically, and as you can read here, she hasn't any interest in me that way. If I haven;t explained it properly it basically is this: The loop is us being friends, then me thinking I have feelings for her to her distancing herself then me "getting over it" then her appearing etc. In my mind I must show that I am becoming interested in her a bit and this is why she distances herself, the silly thing is, I don't even know if my feelings are real or I'm just focusing on her with them. Also I don't understand if she does sense these feelings, why she comes back from being distant, to messaging a lot, to being slightly flirty to vanishing again.
That was some story.. hopefully it made sense. I can imagine what some people are going to say and tbh I know what I would say to someone who wrote this, but it's different and you delude yourself when it's you in the situation and not someone else. I think if someone else points out the obvious here I will actually listen, haha.
Thank you for reading this.
I am not sure if my reply satisfies your query but a similar situation that i know of happened. Please do read and let me know..
A friend of mine had a similar situation where he and his girl (before being in a relationship) were great friends from a couple of years. The girl came up and proposed to him that she had been feeling different with him and that she wanted him as her boyfriend. My friend declined initially but as they were great friends, he thought of entering into a relationship, thinking that the girl was serious. Turns out that the girl had her own tantrums and she used to ignore him. She refused to acknowledge him in public and insisted on meeting less.
Time went by and my friend became so serious about the girl that he ended up telling his whole family about her and that he intended to marry her. His family was not too sure so they approached me to ask if i knew anything. I assured them that i would talk to him and know what is in his mind.
After a few talks, it turned out that my friend was in love with her but she had not been reciprocating the same for him. He gave me several examples of how he was so protective of her and how he cared for her but when asked if she had similar experiences where she extended a helping hand to him, i was disappointed. Things kept going as they were when suddenly after a year or so, i got a call from my friend telling me that she broke up with him. On inquiring, he said that she said that she was in love with someone else and that she left him.
After a couple of months of me convincing him to let her go and that love is about happiness of the other person and that not always does a person get love in return. A few months later, she again contacted him apologizing for her mistake saying that she had made a blunder by leaving him and that she wanted him back. He, without a second thought, went back to her. But, this time too, their relationship lasted for almost a month when she backed off saying that her family would not approve of it. Devastated, my friend kept contacting her to convince her to come back but all in vain.
Finally, he came to me to share his pain and sorrow. I tried to explain him that the realities had always been the same ever since the beginning. That he had always only imagined that she had loved him, while realities were far from imagination. I asked him to block her out of his life. I got him a new SIM and asked him to ensure that she didnt get his number. He did so, and blocked her from all social websites and all forums. He ensured that she could never get his number. This year, she got through and came to his home apologizing for whatever happened. He called me and asked what to do. I said if she wants to be friends, do not reject. Accept it. But whenever she messages or calls, let her know you are busy (even if you are not). I asked him to reduce his talks with her to minimal and not to fall for her again.
Fortunately, I have not heard anything in that matter from him again and now, he is far more happier.
My friend, I would like to conclude my advice to you by saying that you did the right thing by pledging not to talk to her initially. But your weakness (your initial feelings for her) made you break your pledge and go back to her. If she wants to talk, do not refuse. But then do not fall for her again. Why build unnecessary expectations in your mind when your past experiences tell you that she will not stay with you and that she will move on as soon as she finds someone else?
I suggest you not to enter any sort of relationship at the moment but to limit all yours interactions to just being friends. In case in the long run, you feel that someone (NOT HER) is worthy of being your life partner, go for a serious relationship. But yes. Make it clear to whomsoever you choose to be with, that you are looking forward to a serious relationship and that the girl should not fool around.
Thank you, this story sounds very similar and it's as if you just switched a light on for me. The ending to your post makes a lot of sense.
Thank you once again, very much