Timing not right he says..
So I was recently seeing someone for the last few weeks and I have become very fond of him. My situation is a best weird to begin with, I was in a 5 year realtionship that should have ended 3 years ago but I was married so I can live abroad, I have been home for almost a month now. Before I met him I explained all of this to him and he said it wasn't a problem at all for him and he has been very open about it. So, I asked him yesterday if he had some free time over the weekend and he said no and told me his plans..but along with it he said that he think it would be better if we scale things back a great deal. I'm awesome but I just came home from Europe and he thinks it'd be best if I focus on myself and it's not enough time for me to seriously start seeing someone..
So my response was thanks for being honest and good luck for you're future and he replied that he would still like to stay in touch and hang out. I told him the ball is in his court and asked
if he is okay with me seeing other people. His response was that's okay if I feel it's right but make no mistake that he does care for me but the timing isn't right. I mentioned maybe if the time is right we could try again and he says he agrees with it..
I also still don't have an American number and he said he would like me to send it to him when I get one.
I'm just so confused, last week he told me he'd be upset if I told him I needed to take some time for myself and now he's saying I need the time. Is he really serious about the time not being right/possibly trying again or is he just being nice? I was starting to really like him but for me I felt like I could have been/am ready for another serious relationship - I know who I am and I'm a strong person I also know what I want/don't want and he is 100% what I have been longing for in a partner..
Did I do something wrong? Could it be that he does see a future but is worried? I don't know what to think..should I wait until he feels the time is right or is that a waste of time?
Are you saying it was an arranged marriage in order to gain you residency rights abroad? Because if that's the case, it's little wonder you came home 'starving hungry' in regards to romantic and sexual needs, meaning, that state of affairs is also going to affect your normal powers of appraisal and selection *as well as self-control/self-measuring*. Liken it to having eaten nothing but bread and water for 5 years. Even a slightly mouldy carrot (scuse visual symbolism!) is going to strike you as top nosh. And neither are you going to waste precious few remaining stored calories CHEWING.
So here you are, having dated this guy for only a few weeks yet prematurely expecting couple type behaviour and sense of obligation in him. No, it wouldn't be a problem for him were he viewing yours and his acquaintanceship merely as initial dating/sampling. So although ordinarily it would be odd to hear a man only a few weeks in asking for things to be 'scaled down' aka cooled a little, this shows me that your starvation has been putting pressure on you to become fairly heavily ensconced in record time, which in turn has applied pressure to him. He's obviously felt this inordinate pressure and premature intensity hence is trying to back off by whatever degree. Emphasis on WHATEVER DEGREE.
He is not calling the whole thing off before it's even got underway. He is asking for you to be less intense and expectational so soon.
When he said he'd be upset if you took space, understand that that was before you and he had reached *this* later point, i.e. before he'd managed to get a complete measure of the situation. Perhaps because he'd said that, about being upset, you took that as the Green light to proceed more heavily, meaning, this is a case of his saying, Right a bit, with you going right A LOT, then his saying, Now left a bit, and you again going OTT. You're overreacting in either direction, in other words. Again, this is a symptom of your prior, enforced starvation diet.
The clever thing to do would be either to understand where you're coming from and why and to temper yourself, *or* TO date other men BUT NOT TELL HIM. You are perfectly within daters' rights to 'shop around' before you go Exclusive & Committed (steady) with anyone. But it is not clever to trigger a man's natural sense of territorialism and sexual jealousy (especially not as a ploy for making him keener than otherwise naturally).  You'll get 'fed', giving you less of an over-appetite for him. And  he'll sense your change in self-confidence for the better but - unable to pinpoint a cause for it - will have nothing to reproach you with and feel bitter about (as causes batting back and acting out). Yet, still, he'll step up to suit (which is what you want).
That's how you do it. It's called, Feminine wiles... a sadly lost art these days. But it still works BECAUSE the primitive wiring hasn't changed, despite our lives have. You say nothing except with your vibes, body-language and choices of actions including responses and reactions. Keep 'em guessing, in other words. Men adore intrigue and challenge. What they DON'T adore is anything that agitates their egos (as brings out their inner chimpanzee). So, saying it with actions BYPASSES their conscious radar thus defensive, ego-based thinking and behaviour.
So! In summary - he patently obviously does like you but wants to go at the NORMAL pace of mutual exploration. That's pick, chat, pick, chat, chew, chew, chew, swallow, digest, process....poo. Not, shovel in, swallow whole....tummy ache, wind, constipation. This equates to NOT asking him - in whatever ways verbally or via your behaviour - how strongly he feels about you when he hasn't even had a chance to ask HIMSELF that question yet! Men are much slower to actually bond than women. The lust and like keep him around for long enough that, meanwhile, the bonding has a chance to effect.
Men also like everything to be THEIR idea and within THEIR control... which is perfectly fair enough because (dating rule no. 2), the Chase & Woo stage is that which the MAN gets to run and control. It's his steering wheel...until such time as he indicates or asks to go steady, whereupon it's about 70-30 shareshies, increasing again at every further, positive landmark. He and his love of challenge, wants this:
"KISS me, Esmerelda!"
"Nair, Quentin, nair, I can't, I mustn't!"
"Yes, Esmerelda, yes, KISS ME!"
"Nair, air, nair..!"
"Nai-oh, alright, then".
[kisses him then swoons with ecstasy as a permanent effect]
Now, then, isn't *he* clever, eh? She didn't really want to BUT HE, IN ALL HIS UNIQUE INDIVIDUAL IMPRESSIVENESS, MANAGED TO CHANGE HER MIND, TO PERSUADE HER. Geddit? You act all keen as mustard with a healthy-minded man right from the off, and what you're communicating is this: I want *a* man, any man, you'll do as much as any. Not flattering!
You are not Quentin. Basically. So stop trying to woo and persuade him to take you into his fuller affections. You stop? He'll START. That simple. Because, pressure aside, he obviously *does* like you and your company, etc.
Play suddenly chilled...."Ho, hum....tra-la-la, I don't caaare, not really....Date?... Let me consult my diary and get back to you....Oh, I can't Tuesday, I'm washing my hair... Can Friday, though?...'.
Thanks for your feedback.
It wasn't an arranged marriage, just pushed by my exes parents and some things that my family were saying/they took it as a threat..so looking back on it now I feel like it was more of a play to cover them and keep their son (who has no college degree/no drive to work) supported so they didn't have to.. My past relationship was a lot of games really and I never realized it until over a year ago and it finally ended recently (plus it was abusive). I wanted to leave him for 2 years but was afraid of the unknown until I had no choice, but I haven't loved him for years, we completely grew apart in every single way possible..that's why it was easier for me to open up to new people.
Before I met him I told him I was married but it didn't work out and recently came home.When I first met him, I told him I wasn't looking for anything but as the night progressed he opened up first about how much he already liked me and it was highly unexpected..and I didn't say much to it because it was sudden and I didn't want him to think I can just move on so quickly, even if I agreed with him at that moment.
In my defense, I felt like I played everything down with the new guy-I kept it in the back of my mind that I don't want to be the pushy girl, wait for him to text and on occasions I started to after he told me how he felt about me first. That's why I'm a little confused, he was the one saying the I like you a lot stuff and I said it maybe half as much as he did, so again I wouldn't come off as annoying/OTT. The time he told me he would be upset if I wanted to take time for myself was only last week during a date where he opened up after that saying he really really liked me and wanted to keep seeing me. I have only seen him once since then, I invited him over and we just cuddled on the couch and talked and made out for 10 minutes before he had to go, again keeping in mind that I didn't want to come across as too over bearing..but 2 days after that I asked him if he some free time and I guess something happened during those 2 days, or the hooking up threw him off? And that night we talked about how it was nice seeing each other, And when he was here he was talking about how he felt a friend of mine liked me but it doesn't matter because I was his, that's why I'm so confused...he was very open about his feelings, more so than me in my opinion..I'm hoping him wanting to talk and hang out still doesn't imply hooking up with him because I'm not like that. He is looking for a serious relationship and I was willing to take it slow, one day at a time, considering we did recently meet each other and I feel rushing is not a good idea but I guess that's us not being on the same page?
As for now, like I said in my previous post the ball is fully in his course, he will have to contact me from now on if he wants to talk/see me. The only time I will text him is when I get a new phone number tomorrow, because he wants it-but that will be it. I'm keeping my options opene and I'm talking to new people, but I won't tell him like you said-I already asked what he thought about it so I know how he feels / he knows that I would like a relationship with someone and I'd like to be with someone who cares about me and vice versa, and like I said he told me that he cares about me a lot but the timing isn't right..so I guess I'll just have to wait and see. I was never expecting to meet someone so soon but we just had a great connection and sometimes things just happen in life that you can't control..
So, he's not looking to end everything? He just needs space or let me rephrase that, he wants to give me space, since he feels I'm not ready.?
I'm just not looking for things to end and now I'm thinking I took it the wrong way-but that is the problem with texting
He doesn't come across as looking to end everything, no, because aside from his 'you're mine' comment, his attempt to stop you pulling the plug was too firm. But even if he was, and even if he himself is still in the midst of shopping and sampling around, you still have the power if you, as I say, BACK RIGHT OFF. Ensure to do it friendlily, chirpily, agreeing with absolutely everything he says despite it might not be what you hope to hear... in other words, switch to CONTENTEDLY CHILLED and switch to engaging his primitive instincts rather than his conscious thoughts and feelings (including fears). There is nothing like going warm-warm-warm-warm...-COOL. To the recipient it feels by the laws of contrast like this: hot-hot-hot-hot...-FREEZING! They can't take it; they want to know the explanation for it (intrigue)... but you're refusing to give it (ego challenge)... so that demands investigation (engagement), which demands GETTING CLOSER-UP (= time passing = involuntary attachment takes place). Put him into hunter mode (with you the prey). Harder To Get, innit.
Despite he's probably a Like (as in Like Attracts Like) in terms of his recent past dating history (hence you two attracted and hence he's being understanding and making allowances for you whilst not wanting to actually let you go), he's obviously ahead of you on that that there Recovery Path (*hurrah!), meaning, you are more or less him x months or a year ago and he can too easily tell and work out what's behind the fact you beforehand had been *overly* reticent and citing conditions and then, with too little provocation, switched to asking HIM out like YOU'RE the man (and he the woman, the "done to"
. What you basically did was, 'Nair, Quentin, Nair', then suddenly, 'KISS me, Quentina!'. Mixed messages. And you think *you're* confused? Only he's clearly not, not really. He's wise to it yet not wanting to be treated like the woman. But by the same token, he's still not so farther on from your stage not to be infectable by *your* fear behaviour (holding back too much, flinging forth too much, and so on); fear is very contagious amongst us empathetic pack animals. So I think he's hoping that by disappointing you JUST ENOUGH BUT NOT TOO MUCH, you'll cool back down to where he can recommence *making* you want him ("aren't I clever, aren't I hypnotic and irresistable!"
, as opposed to you arriving already wanting him whereby there's no challenge and, more importantly, no HIM FEELING SPECIAL. Capiche?
Your 'shall we see other people' idea was *correct*, in other words, but overkill (you used words and directed his conscious attention to it).
So *maybe* at the same time as still wanting to sample you, he's had a chance to sample A N Other with her being far more passive and him now feeling torn (hence trying to put you back to *her* position to give you a fair chance)? Or maybe he's simply comparing you to a *past* candidate? Well, the way to compete if you're the woman is not to offer anything/ask for anything but to quietly and passively *shine brighter* than the competition. Be fun, be flirty, be elusive, be sexy, be playful, flash your spontaneity, be 'soft' and feminine... Trust me - the minute this other woman (if she's current) senses he's switched his attentions away again (back to you thanks to that renewed intrigue), she'll be the one to feel his sudden, unsettling coolness and start chasing and pushing (mwack-mwack-oops) and, as long as you keep his re-wooing you *challenging*, will be TOAST.
I say ' hurrah' because the bumpiest ride up the Relationship path to SteadyCoupleville (when simultaneously still finishing walking up the Recovery path) occurs when the female is ahead of the male. He Tarzan (yawn). HE supposed to be stronger, know more stuff, etc., which he can't be/feel if the woman's so patently more post-'divorcally' sorted and in better control of herself than he is. Plus when MEN act out due to an inferior-feeling ego, it's far harder for a woman to deal with...
(Does this ring any bells? : Don't start! / What-ah? *You* started it because, you may not have said anything but you went and did X when you *know* it could only upset me! / I did *not*?! (deny, deny).)
...I.e., prior to knowing and trusting you enough, they act-up *under* the table rather than complain or divulge nicely. *Much* harder to pinpoint and convict. So in that regard, you're in an extremely fortunate position and can lean on HIM (once the dating routine is established, I mean). His ego will like it (playing hero/rescuer) and yours will have an altogether easier time of it.
As for not having wanted to be the pushy girl. You can "think" what you like, won't do you any good. Your inner animal is starving hungry and isn't going to listen to anything *conscious-you* have to say or dictate. Same as how you triggering (the positive side) his *his* inner animal by suddenly becoming Ms Chilled 'n Chirpy/Can't Pin Her Down Ergo Needs to be Chased & Netted, is going to work. Think of it like a dance (because it is): He puts his left leg in? YOU put your left leg in (but not quite the full span); he takes his left leg out? YOU take your left leg out (slightly longer span than his). And that's the Hokey Cokey! LOL
Or if it makes it easier, try this one: You and he are lowering yourselves bit by bit into a bath (the relationship). The water is hot-hot-HOT (sense of commitment, obligation, vulnerability to the risk of getting one's heart broken...). The steamy water is about to make contact with his phee-phoos. You try to chivvy him at this point, and - he'll be out of that bath faster than you can say, "Crispy Pork Balls, anyone?"! He just wants to be in he-manly control. *He's scared too*. So, during this tricky moment, don't even LOOK at him unless he looks at you. And mirror *his* progress (minus a fraction) only in RESPONSE to whatever lowering moves he makes.
Don't worry, you'll get your chance to be the impressive one and the equal, co-boss. Just not yet.
Is he WORTH even this small effort of greater self-control, though? The answer to that question will come to light during that re-triggered chase mentality. Equally, what will come to light is whether you truly *do* want a serious relationship or whether you just want relatively quick binge (rebound jobbie). And that's his fear in a nutshell: Me, Tarzan. Me no rebound, hmph! Me king of jungle!
As to having sex: DON'T. "I'm definitely tempted but, sorry, I only get that incredibly intimate with steady boyfriends [sweet smile]". And quite right, too, what with  you being in such a vulnerable, post-splat position; you'll lose your cool and bang will go your better self-control. Plus, , it's a Perk... for Work (being your steady and treating you right whereby, WHOOPS!, your clothes naturally fall off).
"The only time I will text him is when I get a new phone number tomorrow"
Hold yer horses! Is there no other way aside from the phone that he can contact you on? Irrespective, WAIT a few days. "By the way - my new number.
" (nothing else). The 'by the way' says 'belated action'. Belated, because you're PHEW, SO BUSY LATELY! And why wouldn't you be with so many eager would-be-boyfriends trampling down your door?
Oh, and one last thing for now: If that phone is your cellphone and its the one he's been texting you on? DON'T let a man get away with lazy texting. It's live phonecall or nothing! "cnt txt nails wet - try l/line?". (My own constant excuse was that my buttons were too tiny and fiddly, meaning, I detested texting. If he tried it on anyway, I'd just ignore it BUT then pick up the phone when he tried that 10 minutes or so later *or* waited 40 mins and then rang him back.)
(Bloody texting, it'll be the death of relationships, it will!)