Should I be worried about this guy friend
TURBO13 - Mar 21 2015 at 23:01
Okay so I have a relationship issue that has been eating my up inside for a while now, and I just
really need some advice from some different perspectives. I will do my best to describe
my issue in as much detail as possible and hopefully I can get some good feedback.
So basically, my girlfriend has a friendship with a certain guy that I feel very uncomfortable with
and I do not know how to approach her about this without it ending badly. The reason that I do not
feel comfortable with this friendship of hers is because she met this friend on an online dating website shortly before
we started dating. This particular individual was someone she actually went on multiple dates with and shared some common
interests with. On top of that I know for a fact that this guy is infatuated with my girl and blatantly has said he wants to
date her. So this is not just your average guy friend that I am concerned about. I understand that she is dating me and has made
the decision to be with ME, but then why does she need a friend like that? I feel like our relationship interrupted this thing she had started with this guy and now she cant help but be curious...
I approached her about it the first few months we were dating, after hearing that they had hung out together. I assumed it would be better to address the issue before it grows into the bigger issue that it is today (about a year later!) and it totally blew up in my face and almost ended our relationship right then and there. I wasn't in any way accusing her of being unfaithful or anything along those lines, I simply wanted to explain to her how uncomfortable it made me feel and that their friendship was only going to have a negative impact on our relationship if it continued. She denied her friends intentions and got very defensive very quickly and flipped me around to be the wrongdoer because i wasn't comfortable with her hanging out alone with a guy she has that kind of history with.
Anyways after a heated discussion she finally agreed not to hang out with this guy anymore but they continued to talk. From there it was not dealt with really but simply brushed under the carpet in fears of the argument that would follow. I decided that if i really did have nothing to worry about this guy and she really did want to be with me then it would only be a matter of time before this guys intentions became clear to my girlfriend as they were to me and she would make the best decision for our relationship...well hopeful thoughts anyways.
Fast forward about a year later, and me and my girlfriend are now living together and although things seem fine and dandy on the surface, I feel like they are less then ideal underneath it all. My girlfriend has not stopped talking to this guy and every time i see them texting i just get a sinking feeling in my stomach and get very stressed out. I've actually noticed them talking much more often recently. I've woken up early in the morning or even in the middle of the night
to roll over and see her texting him! They talk constantly all day long while now while i seldomly will get a text while
I'm at work. I know for a fact that this guys constantly flirting with my girl and talking about the "what if's" and
claiming to be everything im not and all that jazz...so if she hasn't stopped talking to him by now then it is clear at this point, that she knows very well of his intentions and fed by her curiosity, she likes to play along. I feel like she is getting her physical fulfillment from me, but her emotional fulfillment from this other guy now.
My girlfriend claims to want to spend the rest of her life with me and has been concerned about my lack of interests towards marriage and children and all that. Although im flattered that she wants to spend her life with me...how could i possibly feel comfortable putting a ring on her finger or raising children with a woman whos pretty well kept a backup boyfriend the whole time we've dated? How can she give me a hard time about commitment when she has had her guy friend in the background the whole time just waiting for something to go wrong...
With the exception of this issue our relationship has been excellent but I cant bring myself to make anymore commitments
to this woman while this is going on and i feel that my trust for her has become too damaged at this point. I've recently been thinking of breaking up with my girlfriend because of this whole ordeal and I feel like I cant even touch it with a ten foot pole at this point. I've thought about attempting to confront her again but when is the right time? When i see her texting him? I feel like I should have something much more solid to approach her with the second time but I'm losing my mind in the meanwhile waiting for that. I really just wish she would stop all contact with this guy and understand where im coming from and things would be great...
I really dont know if i should try to save our relationship or if itd be in my best interest to leave this woman.
That about sums it up...sorry for the longwinded explanation...I hope it helps provide some quality feedback.
Really looking forward to hearing some other peoples thoughts on my situation...
Turbo, to be brutally honest, your gf is not committed to you totally. If she was she wouldn't even bother with this guy. The fact that she has maintained a relationship with him and has basically rubbed your face into it, should tell you where you stand with her. Look at her actions and don't listen to her empty words because if she really wanted and needed to spend the rest of her life with you she would be making you her one and only priority.
He is just as bad as she is by playing along with her and you are the guy in the middle of it all. You need to be with someone who is 100% there for you and all relationships are based on trust. She is failing you, herself and your relationship together by disrespecting you and if she won't talk about it or discuss with you, then give her an ultimatum.
Nobody deserves to put up with her kind of behavior and she is blatantly in the wrong by continuing to communicate with this guy when it's you she should communicating to at all times. You're correct when you state you couldn't possibly think about marriage and children with her and that's your instinct, your gut, telling you that all is not well.
Listen to your gut and save yourself rather than trying to save your relationship.
I think you should do this. You should give her one more chance, and tell her that she can either cut off all contact with that guy, or lose you completely. The choice is hers. And if she needs "time", give her a week. And tell her that if she doesn't respond in a weeks time, then the relationship will end automatically. I mean the only thing she has to do to keep the relationship is cut him off. I think that's fair enough. You can't cut him off yourself. You tried telling her to, but she pushes it off and makes seem like it's not a problem. So by doing this this way, you force her to make an important decision. Cut him off, or lose you. What's she going to choose?
Yes you should be worried, not so much by the fact that your girlfriend has a guy friend, but by her lack of concern for your feelings and her inability to 'tone down' the friendship for your sake. Explain to her that this so called friendship is preventing your relationship from moving on in terms of marriage, children etc. If she can't see your point of view and be willing to make changes, walk away. She basically wants to have her cake and eat it! I'm going thru a similar situation myself. Take care.
Update: Id like to thank everyone who has taken to time to offer their feedback on my issue. It has helped me gain the confidence i needed to approach my girlfriend with an ultimatum. I told her how i felt and that it was pre well me or him. She was understanding at first and cut him off, even installed a text blocker on her phone. That lasted about 48hours before she backpedalled on her decision and said she couldnt just give up a friendship of hers like that. Shes still sticking to her claims of how innocent there friendship is. Im not proud to say this, but Ive read some of their text conversations and Im not pointing my blame solely out of gut feelings and suspicions as Ive been leading on. Shes openly admitted her attraction to him, and swoons at his many sexual remarks, when shes claiming she never allows things to cross the line. Well, continously walking along the line and crossing it arent very far off in my opinion. She wants to come to another conclusion that involves keeping her guy friend in her life while I just want her to cut this guy off completely. We both want to make things work but cant seem to come to a conclusion that both parties are satisfied with. We decided to try to find another option from a third party and are both going to talk to some people close to us to try to get some other opinions on the matter. This site being one of those third parties! Hoping someone else can offer a better solution to this problem... :/
It's actually very simple; p*ss-simple, in fact.
(My caps) "My girlfriend claims to want to spend the rest of her life with me AND HAS BEEN CONCERNED about my lack of interests towards marriage and children and all that. "
Leverage affair. Without the actual affair. THREAT of affair (yet not her fault enough to warrant being dumped). She knows *he's* keen. She knows he and his intentions *bother* you. Do they bother you enough to make you feel more possessive? Possessive enough that you'd want to effectively mark your property with a band of gold?
It's backfired, though, hasn't it. However, she's not so convinced it can't work second time round. And since she's completely out of any other ideas when it comes to making you want to commit to her (and, I suspect, become more hearts & flowers towards her), she's not likely to want to give up her only measure that easily. She's try-trying again.
Be consistent in your "I ain't 'avin' it!" stance (out-try her tries) and, seeing that it really WON'T work, she'll eventually give him up. He's not that attractive to her on any level anyway, he's just a gentle but sneaky coercion tool.
But hey, it could be worse - she could not give a DAMN about marrying you, couldn't she? (Every cloud...)