Should I still stay in this relationship
I have been married for 7+years now. I have known my husband for 19years in total. 10 of those years we were really good friends. We went through various relationships while being friends. We had a friends with benefits kinda relationship, till I felt it was wrong to continue that since he was seriously seeing other people. He had always been depended on me, even when he was in relationships. Constantly dragging me down. After many years, I decided to move away from him to give myself some space. While this was going on I met and fell in love with someone. Our relationship was a long distance one. I have always been very afraid to love anyone fully, being afraid that they will hurt me. But with this man, i fell fully in love. But he cut it short and chose work over me. I carried my broken heart everywhere I went After almost 2 years after this and 1 year after moving away from my friend, my friend pursued me and asked to become more than friends. I declined at first. He begged and begged, I said yes. Thinking it won't work and it'll just end after a few months. It went on and we got engaged.
His mother was a tyrant. She's yelled at me infront of everyone in her pursuit to teach me a lesson. This happened many times without my then fiancee saying anything in my defense. We eventually got married and this yelling and teaching me a lesson went on for 2 years. My sister in law was also involved in making this worse.
Maybe because we were friends before my husband never really courted me. No romance was present. No real dates. We were just moving with momentum. he never does anything for me and thinks that having worldly conversations is the most romantic thing.
we got married. We fought alot. Mostly because of his family. I had wanted to leave him many times but he begged me not to. Most of the times the fight was becuase of what his mother and sister were doing.
Before we were going out, my husband had a very active sex life. Many one night stands. It was his goal in life to screw around. I knew all the details. After a while I didn't want to know it anymore, because it just got really sickening. I married him knowing fullwell his history. My foolish thought is that he will stop. According to him he did. But I used to come across sex messages. One such message I discovered 1 month before my wedding. He said it was just a stupid joke. I didn't beleive him, but I thought since I found this out, he'd stop. Foolish me.
After 3 years of marriage one day, he used my phone to check his e-mail, I told him I am going through his mail to see what he was up to. Very confidently he said, please do, there is nothing you will find. I did find. Logs of chats. First I found chats with one person. I confronted him. It broke my heart, it broke my trust. He said it was only that one person. Then I found a few more. We had a big big fight over this. He said he was sorry. They were just chats. nothing else happened. After all his promises, 3 months later I saw him fishing again in Myspace. Then I got to know he was having phone sex. And more sex messages. We through a very rough patch. He promised to stop. I decided to give it another try
All this while, we have not consummated our marriage because I have vaginismus which causes immense pain during sex. So for years I blamed myself for this situation. To combat this, I have tried many things. I bought books for him to read. I got sites for him to read. I talked to him, saying I can not overcome it on my own and I need his help. We worked on techniques. But he was interested in non of these. He didn't want to work this out. I then went on to try and make bedroom session more interesting. To take the technicalities out. Role playing, sexy lingerie, holidays etc. If I pursued, he'd come along and play along. But it will end there.
I bought new dresses, and told him to take me out, since he wasn't doing, i thought I'd nudge him. He took me out, once maybe twice and it stops. Everything stops, if I don't push. This is the same for everything else, from fixing a pipe, to calling the grass cutter to taking the dogs out for a walk. He is just plain lazy in every scene. There have been times when he gets a sudden interest but I am too tired and vice versa. I worked on this too. But things didn't improve. After many years, his rare and occasional approach was becoming an insult to me. When i push him away in these occasions, he gets mad and moves away. He had never pursued me and still doesn't see the need to. I am just suppose to take him in as and when he wants it.
And when we do get it on, its just the fasted scene in town. Its all just about climax. Nothing else. No romance.
Not how many times I have mentioned no romance.
He would spend night after night watching movies downstairs or doing work. He can do these 2 up to 3-4am. But when it comes to spending time with me, he'll be asleep within 10mnutes.
This article is really looking like a whining article.
I know he still chats. I don't know the contents. I know he deletes phone messages. He even lied to me to go and see a female friend. I found out.
I am just tired of living with someone who says he will make the changes but never does. Never does anything really. There is no romance in this relationship. Obviously no respect as he still insist on keeping in touch with some people I am not comfortable with. Goes around convincing girls they are seriously sexy and then tell me he was building their self esteem, while my has been plumeting down from the day I decided to out with him .
The bigger mistake is mine. I should have just kept my stand and not go with the relationship. We have adopted 2 lovely children and he is good father to them, to his credit. He is concerned about me and does take good care of me. We are good friends. But he is a lousy husband and I am seriously tired of hearing his bound to break promises. He always says I am the perfect one for him. I don't think he is for me.
To leave or to stay?
Firstly, I would like to state that whatever i write here, is my personal opinion and that the reader may or may not use my advice. I shall not be held responsible for any consequences, if any.
i personally feel that you should not have married him in the first place as you knew his history of one night stands. To add to that, the behavior of his mother and sister should have given you enough signal to move out.
i am of the opinion that if your husband really loved you, he would have stopped before marriage. Height of heights, maximum till marriage, but surely not after that. A person habitual of night stands and phone sex, may find it very very difficult to move out of it. His failure to resolve the dispute between his family members and you further shows the level of disrespect and ignorance towards this relationship.
I would suggest you two options.
1. Ask him to go to a rehab center so as to cure him of habitual sex including phone sex.
2. Clearly state to him that you intend to end your marriage since he has not been able to change himself for the betterment of the family as a whole. If at all you want to give him a last chance, you may do so saying that if you find any such thing repeated again, you will directly file a divorce without any arguments between you two.
Yes, I agree. I shouldn't have married him knowing his past. I didn't want to take the responsibility then of ending it I thought like all my other relationships, it will end by itself. My fault, in the bigger picture. I do know that when the relationship was moving forward, I had no intention to change him, but in my folly I thought, it won't happen to me. And when it did, I hated myself for putting myself there. I think that's my biggest anger.
i have asked him to go to counseling. I have asked him this several times. He said, it is not a problem for him to solve. He will stop it at will. Which of course he has failed.
i have clearly stated to him that if he doesn't stop doing what he does, doesn't put in more effort into the relationship and the family, I will file for a divorce. Hence my notification to him last night that I wish to separate from him. He again said I am taking things out of context and making something trivial very big. And that he wants to make things better so we communicate better (he has said this many times over the course of this relationship).
I told him last night that I loved him, and that I have loved him for a long time. But I didn't fall in love with him and that every time I opened my heart to allow myself to love him I get hammered. Whether its incidences with his mother or him. SO I never felt that. Like how I felt in my immediate pass relationship. I told him that I miss that feeling. That this feeling I realise is not about my ex boyfriend but the feeling of falling in love. He held on to that and said that I came into the relationship still loving my ex boyfriend, which I clearly stated was not the case.
This is how my husband operates. He is very clever at twisting things. So clever that at the end of the conversation I will start feeling bad for something that he is actually responsible for. I fall for his tears and promises. I was very glad last night as tempted as I was to say, its ok. Let's work it out (knowing full well we will end up at the exact same spot 4 months down the road). I stood my ground and didn't budge. He walked off saying I cheated him, that I never really loved him. I told him, the pain he and betrayal he felt, multiply that by 20X and he will reach my pain.
My question is........... I know the answer.
But I have children. I'd hate to see them grow up without a live in father. But if they do, they will see a miserable mother and that's not fair either.
I have been through a much similar relationship and I must say, it doesn't get better. Usually overtime, it just gets worse. I know about the tough decision of not wanting your kids to grow up without their father there every day. That's what kept me with my physically and verbally abusive husband for 9 years. You have to have enough respect for yourself to move on without him. You and your children can be very happy without him. You just need to make yourself happy and in return, your children will be happy too.
I here, would agree to BLUES7 and would add that the decision of separation as soon as possible would help you build a better future. As time will pass, if you stay on, your kids will be affected. They may inherit the traits of an abusive parent and may go down the wrong road. I suggest, that for a bright future, for the sake of the kids, you should separate as soon as possible.
I understand that this decision is not easy to take, but you must consider what you have to loose and what you can gain. Not in money terms, but in terms of life. Your kids will grow up to understand what you went through and if destiny has it, they will support you in your quest to live an honourable life.
Another point of decision can be where you think about marrying again for the sake of your kids. I feel that you should not take a hasty decision, but think over it over a long period of time. Choosing the wrong guy may have been a mistake of your past. Do not let it be a mistake of your future.
Before filling for a divorce, i suggest that you look up for some job so that you can stand up independently after you separate from your husband. Also, ask your relative to support you in your decision to separate. AND WHEN I SAY SUPPORT< I DO NOT MEAN YOU ASK HIM IF YOU ARE DOING THE RIGHT THING. IF YOU KNOW YOU ARE RIGHT,THEN DO NOT LET ANYONE UNDER THE SKY CONVINCE YOU TO CONTINUE IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
Hope for a bright future for you :) All the best :)