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Married swinger in open relationship issues....

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S-e-x advice I have been friends with this guy for a while. I am divorced and he is a married swinger in an open relationship. We hooked up for a while last year which ended unexpectedly and he was out of the 'lifestyle'. We have continued being close friends and he was helping me with a project last weekend. We always flirt so I didn't read anything into his flirting. Then, he texted me this week how I missed chance to get some. I jokingly said that I was not a mind reader and how I have always been consistent in my desire to get with him, which I have. Since this he has not really been chatting with me via text, which we have done daily for the last year. I a wondering what I did wrong? Did I ruin it by being too accessible? We are legit friends, by the way and we hang out together and with our kids and his wife. My feelings are a little hurt by this... I would rather be his friend than have sex with him. Any advice is appreciated!

Married swinger in open relationship issues....

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You have to sort out in your mind whether you want he and you to be Friends or Lovers. I don't care HOW casual or infrequent the sex is or how fractional the lovers side of the "relationship" is. Friends do not have sex, berbom.

You wanting friends is one target board. You wanting lovers is another target board. If you're focused on both when you shoot your arrow, your arrow will disappear in the gap between the two boards or catch only the edge of either (if your conflict divide isn't straight 50/50). Hitting them both is not an option.

So which would you choose and which are you therefore going to aim for with that 'arrow' of yours as is comprised by both word and deed communication. Anything less decided is going to convey mixed messages, which confuses. Most men when confused DO NOTHING... until such time as they get data to UN-confuse them.

BUT I DON'T FANCY YOURS MUCH, I have to be honest. Why do you? Do you want only X% of a romantic relationship rather than the real deal, the whole thing? Do you not have time or energy for a best friend *and* a boyfriend thus got the idea you could get two for the price of one?

Married swinger in open relationship issues....

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Thank you for your response. I think you may be right and I should continue on the friends route, although I really do appreciate the physical aspect of our relationship and the flirting. I got divorced a few years ago and don't feel ready for a full relationship but I do have other close friends. The physical relationship works for me because we have chemistry and comfort with each other. He has become a very important person in my world and we count on each other, possibly, a little too much to be a true fwb type situation. If I am completely honest, if he were to be available I would want to have a relationship with him. Currently I am not certain what is going on with his mixed messages and am confused and frustrated. I am afraid in my trying to be honest I somehow ruined whatever this is? Our children are friends and we see each other frequently, including family get togethers at each others houses. I am pretty invested in this and don't want it to be weird...

Married swinger in open relationship issues....

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Good. So next time his text gets suggestive, tell him you've taken a vow of chastity, ha-ha...but you're not going for the FULL sainthood so does he fancy a pint? Dare to put this so-called friend to the test in that way. If you get a no - wait a few weeks then try again. If still no - forget it. Because if YOU want a convenient shag-mate then said shag-mate needs to likewise be clear about what he wants now and long-term, too. And make sure you both know precisely what you're both going into before you start doing the details.

However, be warned: if you become ready for more DURING this new, arranged relationship, forget about trying to bring your shag-mate up those few steps with you. It's rare that BOTH commitment-shys become ready together at the same time. You'd have to end it. No WAY could you keep it whilst cruising for the real deal. ALL of your mind and heart have to be vacant (e.g. you don't see job adverts for "Half an ad account exec", do you). You try to squeeze a ripe and healthy male into a less than complete space because some prior occupant's legs are still sat in it, and it'll end in tears. Plus, you try to feel like eating a 3 course meal when you've been snacking in the run-up and...well, it's obvious isn't it. Needs = must. Half needs = half must...which sounds a lot like half MAST.

Back to this chap: If, on the other hand, you decide (because you still haven't) you DON'T want him as a mere friend and DO want lovership, go AWOL for 3 weeks (make excuses - going abroad, got flu, whatever). Then, when he chases, you'll see by the style of it WHO he's trying to win back: his friend or his lover. But personally I wouldn't bother. That his eyes didn't go DOY-OYY-OYYYNG! and his knees give way the first-to-third time he clapped eyes on you, and set about divorcing, proves the chemistry was not of soulmate calibre, meaning, it doesn't have potential anyway, meaning, why go to all that effort for a so-so affair with a low ceiling? (Shoe-horning, anyone?)... May as well go get a new and PROPER one (which automatically will be superior to your marriage).

You can call him a swinger but basically he's a cheating basstud. Don't believe me? Put yourself in wife's place (in your head). Now make that wife a cheating basstud as well AND NOW YOU'VE GOT IT.

Why get involved in someone's sh*t, contrived-for-the-wrong-reasons marriage or holds hands with two chickens who daren't make the rightful break like you're some duty-avoidance or hole-patching tool? Why earn terrible Karma by being a mistress when you don't have to? There are PLENTY of men out there in your same boat, who just want fun and frolicks with no view BUT ARE SINGLE. FWB-ing doesn't need to be that complicated, that messy. It's weird already. And you know it. Jeez - do your children? :-o

This thread has expired - why not start your own?

B-3