My daughter or my boyfriend
I have been dating a wonderful man for the past three years. My four kids and I moved into his house one year ago. My 15 yr old daughter and boyfriend don't get along anymore. He is very hard on her. And she hates how he wants to come first in my life, even before my kids.
My boyfriend and I have been arguing for the past few weeks more and more about my kids particularly my daughter because he doesn't feel I am parenting her properly. I am too easy on her, and too trusting. My daughter and I have always been extremely close but it has gotten to the point where she wants us to move out of my boyfriends house. I've talked to my boyfriend about this and he says he won't move backwards in a relationship and if I move out we are done.
How do I choose between the man I love and my daughter?
You don't choose.
If your Boyfriend is particularly harsh on your daughter, he needs to ease back. She is a teenager and having someone other than you (her parent), try and enforce rules is never going to go well. Why is he so harsh on her?. He may have an idea of what he thinks she should do but she is YOUR daughter and unless he has previously had a teenage daughter, how can he possibly know what is best for her, he has only known her for 3 years and from what you say they aren't exactly getting on.
You can;t expect her to be reasonable and make adult decisions, that is your job. You are the mediator here you need to find a way for your boyfriend to be less strict and more caring and to help your daughter understand what is going on and that he isn't a threat to your relationship.
"Blending" families is challenging, so is raising a teenage girl.
Counseling is in order. You should not have to mediate this.
Can you give us an example of why they "butt heads"?
He has three grown children, two boys and one girl.
His way of communicating is very authoritarian. Whereas I am very quiet, and ask kids to do things rather than tell them. He is very strict, doesn't feel I should let the kids go do things with friends as much as I do.
He has been a Godsend to my two boys ages 8 and 13. But my two girls( ages 15 and 10), just aren't happy.
I want a long happy future with him. But my daughter wants us to move out today. However my boyfriend says he will not move backwards in a relationship and if I move out we are done.
I don't know what to do.
Yes, you do know, SUGR. Susie's just told you (family counselling). So why are you still saying you don't? Doesn't that translate to, Don't want to?
Today's drama- at church my 15 yr old asked if she could take her little sister out for lunch and ice cream at the local market. I didn't hear what she said. On the way home I said what I thought she said and she said " no I didn't say that" but never told me what she really said. She went to the market for onions and potatoes with her sister. I calked n asked her to hurry n she said they just got their food. My boyfriend is furious because of her lack of respect. And my lack of action on the matter.
He won't go to counseling. He said I can go if I want and if I want him to go once or twice fine but he's not paying for it because he's not the one with the problem.
Goodness. No one want to lay the blame on any one! That's not the purpose of family counseling.
The purpose is to learn how to communicate with each other and get along better.
Take him up on his "once or twice" visit. When he sees it really a SUPPORT SYSTEM, he feel he has a safe place to verbalize his concerns and frustrations, just as you will AND the kids will too!
Find a family counselor who specializes in blended families. Good luck!