I'm not even sure if I should do this....
First of all, I'd just like to state that I've never used this site before, I'm not sure if I used the right category or if the title is right, and I'm not even sure I want to be posting this at all... But I've hit an all time low with my depression, which is chronic and I've suffered from since I was a very young child. Mostly this is just a way for me to vent because I don't know what else to do and this place is supposed to be anonymous and safe. I sure as hell hope that it is...
So to start off, I'm a male that just reached adulthood. I got my first job... well sort of, it's a volunteer position with a bi-weekly stipend for living expenses... working at an elementary school with kids helping teach them to read. I loved this job, but unfortunately the required hours of service were insane and actually over the ammount of hours possible to serve on site which means I would have to bring home work to do to make up the other hours and I was already working 10 - 14 hours a day at the school. I also kept getting sick and falling behind in hours because schools are full of germs and those kids are so kind and thoughtful and like to share all their little germs. I love them, but I have to admit, I was getting tired of catching a new illness from the kids quite literally every other week. Anyways, this stress built up to the point where I couldn't take it anymore on top of all the other crap happening in my life so I had to quit a few weeks ago. This was supposed to help me with my depression so I could get a handle on my chaotic life right now but for the next little while I completely expect to be depressed because of it. I feel bad about having to leave my job, it's the first place I've ever been where everyone was actually nice to me everyday and my co-workers were constantly restoring my faith in humanity. I loved working with the kids, they are so fun and it feels good to have a hand in improving their future and helping them with their reading skills and confidence. I'm still trying to find ways to volunteer at the school occasionally because I loved the job so much. Leaving was a huge and hard choice to make but I still think it was the right thing to do for me right now.
Anyways, Like I mentioned before though, it's still causing my depression to get pretty bad now that I'm looking for a new job that will pay the same minimum wage but be a little less demanding. I live in a tiny town with very few job openings and as soon as one opens up everybody and their pet dog applies so it's extremely competitive and hard to get a job here. I also live with my aunt and uncle who have custody of me... or I guess they did until I turned 18 anyways. I still live with them though and we are a very poor family. Three of us were working to try and make ends meet and we were still struggling just to put food on the table for the 5 of us, my sister and cousin included. Now, I'm not working, my Aunt is quitting her job to try something else since her job is high stress and actually hazardous ( I won't go into details about that ) and my Uncle has the same job as her and is only staying because we have to make some sort of income. Once I and my Aunt find new jobs, he will quit and look for a new one too. So our financial situation is shit right now, at least more than it normally is.
On top of all that, I just found out I have sleep apnea so I've started using a c-pap machine at night which I am REALLY NOT ENJOYING. I still haven't gotten used to it and so far having the thing blow air into my face constantly is annoying as hell and keeps me up, then if I fall asleep and have an episode where I stop breathing, it get's stronger, and I mean A LOT stronger and blows air so forcefully that it wakes me up and if the mask wasn't strapped to my face it would shoot the thing several feet across the room with that much air pressure. It's making my sleep worse than it already was. I have constant nightmares and get REM sleep and sleep paralysis often which is a horrifying thing for any of you who don't know what it's like to have one of those night terrors. I also take medication for my severe anxiety and depression, however, the meds I have been using for years are not really effective so my doctor has started me on something else now. I don't know if it works yet, I haven't been using it long enough to notice the effects, but I sure am feeling the withdrawals from my last medication and it makes me feel sick all the time. My heart feels like it struggles to work properly, pumping too fast and skipping beats, it feels erratic and frantic. It feels like it's pumping thick sludge through my veins and it doesn't help that I'm constantly dehydrated because I hate the taste of regular water and don't drink enough even though I know better. Every time I turn my head or eyes I feel an electric shock through my body too. All of this is because I haven't been taking the medication for my depression and anxiety that I used to take and have started something else instead. It will be a while before my body finally get's used to it and stops acting like this, making me feel sick. I just pray this new medication helps better than the last because my depression and anxiety is terrible right now. I don't think I've left the house in three or four days just because I'm terrified of facing the world right now. I also have to take meds to keep me from having constant seizures because I have some sort of epilepsy or something that the doctors still can't make their minds up about what exactly it is. Luckily the meds they give me still work fairly well, making it so I only have a seizure about once every other month or so instead of two or three times a week like it was when I was a kid. So that just adds to the health issues I have fun with.
I also have a dog that I love very much but she is a puppy, about 2 years old, and still not fully trained. She is smart and stubborn as hell so very difficult to train. She is too tough for her own good though and has broken her kennel/carrier, an outdoor dog run, and a large outdoor cage made of metal. She chewed through it like it was nothing, and then when we were out of options as to where to put her when we have to leave the house for a while, we put her in the laundry room while we left. When we got home she had chewed her way through the door of that as well and now we have to pay to replace that too. I love her very much but I can't afford to keep her if I don't get her trained not to chew up everything and ruin our rental house. So I'm struggling with that as well, doing my best to train her so I can keep her because it would devastate me if I had to get rid of her and I can't even think about that right now anymore.
Along with all of the crap above, I have a girlfriend that is long distance, I met her over the internet. I've only ever had two girlfriends (counting this one) and both of them were long distance like this. I've only ever been on one real date even though I'm 20 years old now because I'm terrified of girls... and guys... hell I don't even know how I feel on my sexuality and just try to be straight because it's a little less confusing. Anyways, my girlfriend has similar issues as me and a similar past (I'll get to that later) so we connected right away. I love her very much, but it's been almost two months now and I feel like we are already running out of steam. I am severely depressed and she is depressed right now too, so it's putting a strain on our relationship. I have extremely low self confidence and I think I irritate her every time I have to ask if she really loves me or if I'm upsetting her or if I'm not a good boyfriend. I don't know how to be any different though. I try so hard and I feel like every time I text her I only upset her more now. I tried calling her on the phone once so she could hear my voice and I ended up having to hang up after only a couple of minutes talking with her because I had a massive anxiety attack and had to just sit and cry for a while in my room to calm down, terrified that talking to her directly like that made her hate me. I know it's irrational, but it's part of my anxiety and I just feel like I have no control over it. I was only just recently able to even show her pictures of myself and let her see what I look like because I'm terrified and paranoid about posting my picture online or even just texting it to her like that. Thankfully I was able to get two or three pictures to her and she said she thought I was "cute", but I still worry that she really thinks I'm ugly and was just trying to be nice and not upset me. We are talking less and less now and I'm terrified that she has grown bored of me and I'm not good enough for her. It's driving me crazy and I don't know what to do.
These are all the issues I'm facing in my life right now, but I'm also struggling with past traumas that still effect me every second of every day. I mentioned before that I live with my aunt and uncle. This is because.. well it's a long story. Let me see, how the hell do I even start to explain....?
So, I was basically a product of rape, my mother was used by my father and then after finding out she was pregnant my mom went back to him. He pretty much took her away from her friends and family, moving her and himself several hours away without letting anyone know about it. He cut her off from her family and even after I was born nobody really knew about me on that side of the family. My mother has several mental health issues and was neglectful and not the best mother. She didn't do a good job raising me and didn't protect me from my father who was extremely physically and sexually abusive to both her and me. My dad started raping me and beating me around the age of 2 or 3 and we moved around a lot, changing my schools to try and hide the fact that he was so horrible. I grew up with that monster of a man treating me like a punching bag and a sex toy and my mother turned a blind eye, or even got angry because "I got more attention from him than she did". My dad actually tried to kill me when I was 4 and ended up putting me in the hospital with slight brain damage, luckily nothing too serious or permanent. He and my mother were both alcoholics and my mother was also a drug addict. When my sister was born, my mom just left her in the hospital with a note to one of the nurses to get her to my mom's sister. That's when my Auntie and Uncle found out that first of all, my mother was still alive, and that she had kids. My sister was lucky and has never known the abuse I had to grow up with, but after my dad found out what my mother did with my sister he moved us away again and it took a long time (years) before my Auntie, Uncle, and Grandparents were finally able to track us down. Thank god they finally did though, because they had social services launch and investigation and put my dad on trial for all the sick shit that he put me and my mother through. My father was put in prison, something I am thankful for every day of my life, and my mother was deemed unfit to keep me. I was put in foster care for the better part of a year while my grandparents at first, but then my Aunt and Uncle fought for custody of me. I went through 5 different families, some kind and others also abusive, before I was allowed to stay with my grandparents for 8 months and then join my sister in living with my Aunt and Uncle who saved my life and love me very much. I thank God every day that I am able to be with them because they are the most amazing family in the world and I know I would be dead without them, either due to my father or mother killing me, or myself committing suicide. They love me and treat me like a real human being and I love them more than anything in this world, they are the one thing that keeps me going when I want to give up and shoot myself just like my dad did. I keep going for them. I still struggle with my past though, and even though my mother has gotten a lot of help and is much better than she used to be, visiting her is still a very difficult thing for me and I have conflicting feelings about it. I still have issues with sex and physical contact at all because of what I've gone through and almost every night I have nightmares of the memories of my childhood. This adds to my depression and right now I'm struggling with it a lot.
Yes, I do see a counselor, and she is very helpful, I'm glad I can see her each week. However, I've only been seeing this particular counselor for a few months now (I've been through several) and I'm still not entirely comfortable sharing everything with her just yet. I'm reaching out on this website in desperation because I just can't contain all of this messed up shit that is me any longer and I just have to get it out of my system. I'm still questioning posting this, even as I write it, but if you are reading it right now I guess I gave in and worked up the courage to do so. I worry just the sheer length of all of my ramblings will scare everyone off and maybe that's a good thing since I don't even know if I want anyone to see it or not. I just... I don't know. I feel like I've hit rock bottom and my life is crumbling away around me. I used to cut myself to try and escape it but I've been trying really hard not to do that again for the sake of my family. I know it hurts them when I cut so I'm doing my best not to. This is pretty much my last resort before turning back to the blade again. I don't know what to do and I just hope that maybe getting it all out like this will help. I don't know anymore... I just don't know. If there is anybody that can help, I beg of you, please do. I will try not to get offended or upset at anything anyone says and be open minded. I just want help, so if you have even the smallest suggestion I am open to it. I'm sorry for wasting any reader's time with all of my fucked up shit. I'm so sorry. And if anyone is out there reading this, thanks for listening.... I'm sorry.
First of all, you are the most open and honest person I have ever read about. You truly meant everything you said and it was almost like you were speaking right in front of me. I never even looked up from the screen and I don't regret a second of it so there's no need to be sorry. Just so you know, I don't know if it will make you feel better or not, I've answered to people on this site for almost 3 months. Some have stayed in touch, some have come back to me with another breakdown, some have gotten over their problems (fortunately). I am a girl, in case you can't tell by the name, and I'm pretty close to your age. I also worked in a school so I do know what it's like to be with the kids. It was amazing but I did have to leave as well for other reasons. I'm also a psychology major so I know all the terms you're using and I guess I'm pretty well rounded with people and medicine and all that stuff.
I feel like if you got to know the other person, you'd feel more comfortable (maybe that's why you still second guess your counselor but love your family entirely) and I don't mind getting to know you at all, in fact, you sound like an amazing person with a huge heart. I'm not here to judge you or tell you what to do with your life because you are already smart and caring and very willing to help others. Your problem is simple, yourself. You don't trust yourself, you might not like yourself, and you probably feel useless or not enough or worthless. I was depressed too, when I was younger. I got over it even though I have my bad day probably once a month. I now have a boyfriend of 8 months that I love and I have 2 dogs that I adore among other pets. My parents are divorced and hate each other. My grandmother and my father would probably kill each other.
I know my problems aren't as bad as yours and you probably don't want to hear about them or don't care but what I was thinking was like a buddy or pen pal, I guess (in a modern way). You don't have to like me but I do want you to know that you can say whatever you want to me. Catch up on your current events, how you feel, if the weather makes you sad, if you feel sick, maybe one day you'll feel great and that's awesome to me. We don't have to know identities so you'll feel safe and anonymous; although I hope one day in the future you do trust me with that.
Honestly, you can't stay in the same place your whole life. You're letting your inconveniences hold you back. And I know that you might try and fail and everything crumbles and you melt and feel terrible and you don't ever want to try that again... But a bird still perches on a branch even though the branch can break and the bird could fall to its death. The bird doesn't know if the branch will break but he trusts that his wings will fly him away when the branch does break. You need your wings honey.
If you want to email, maybe? You can catch me at [e-mail address removed]. I check it constantly so don't worry about me taking long. Again, I don't judge and you can say whatever your heart or mind desires to me. If you don't, that's fine. If now isn't the right time, that's okay too.
I hope I get the chance to make your aquaintance, you seem lovely. It's been a pleasure and I hope I can help (or have helped).
Thanks, a lot. It really means a lot to me that you replied. Um, I sent an e-mail to you... I hope that's ok. It was the middle of the night and I was stressed so it might not make much sense and it's a little stupid, but you can feel free to reply or trash it. Thanks.