Am I over reacting? What would you do
Ok so my bf of 10 years was ( we are engaged and due to get married next year) was on a stag weekend. He accidentally rang me yesterday in the middle of the night and he left me a voicemail I listened to it because I thought there was something wrong. Basically here's what I pverheard on the flight over to the place his friend hooked up with a girl on the plane ( he is always doing vile things behind his girlfriends back with skanks) my boyfriend was telling people what happened and he said the girl was "Fit as fuck". This had really upset me that he has spoke about this and I feel really pissed off, I know I wasn't meant to hear it and I know lads do talk but I just felt wounded when I heard it and the way he was talking it was like he was a different person like really cocky and arrogant. We have a very good relationship he treats me very well there's no trust issues. It has upset me but am I overreacting what would you guys do?
Oops! You overheard the locker-room talk.
Play the voice mail to your boyfriend when you two are alone. Let him be appropriately "shamed" - and realize that nowadays, NOTHING is private.
Don't be the "critical mother" about this. Just let it speak for itself.
Then let it go, since you say he has other good qualities (except in his choice of a certain friend)
I hope you can get over this. It's always disappointing to find out other people are, in reality, - only human.
Thank you it has bothered me I'm not going to lie. But I just wanted to see if I was blowing it out of proportion! I think I will let him explain himself once he's heard it I will see how he reacts,His friend is a real prick with girls he's always been the same so I suppose I could be dealing with someone like him. Thanks for your help x
Agree 100% with Susiedqqq.
...in which case, methinks you're experiencing cold feet in the run-up to the big day. Is that gut instinct, is it fear/commitmentphobia, or is it just a normal, ignorable wobble? Well, the action of you asking for opinions on here (as well as the way you ask) says you're hoping it's just a wobble. But look, there has to be a REASON why you two have effectively had a 10-year engagement, doesn't there? I mean, 10 years is a bit telling, isn't it? Some might say, laughable (unless there's a legitimate reason why it's taken you two so long?).
Is it you? And is that WHY he "whoops!" made that 'mistake'? Was that him trying to test your conviction, to see whether secretly you were closer to No than Yes, meaning, if he finally gave you a flash of one of his to-date unseen 'warts' and you landed instantly on No, that would have been taken by him as confirmation of his sneaking suspicions about how less than fervently you want to spend your life with him?
Also, given how ideally you should have seen ALL sides of him by now, is this you taking this incident as your opportunity to start a fight of the type that ends up clearing a backlog of air and bringing you more befittingly closer (in the nick of time)?
Well we got together when we was kids at 17 so if that makes it less "Laughable" for you. Not that I care to conform to anyone else's timeline I have done so much in my life and I don't feel over the hill at 27.Over the last ten years we have had the best time together we have travelled and studied focussed on our careers and acheived a lot together. We work really hard as a team and we own two houses for investment purposes because we want to have security for our future family. I could have s huge wedding if I wanted but I much prefer to go travelling and get married as part of the trip rather than spend obscene money on one day so I don't think I have cold feet at all I think I am very sensible to be honest.Everything we have is through our own hard work. But above everything else he is s great person he is funny,ambitious, kind and gorgeous. I had ovarian cancer scare and had several operations he kept me strong through s real difficult time and if If I didn't have him I think I would have crumbled. In fact writing this makes me really realise how amazing he is and how much I love him. Yeas he has fucked up but I suppose we all say things when no one else is around if we are honest. He has hurt my feelings but I'm sure he will be mortified when he hears the call but I 100% trust him. I don't think I'm a mug if discovered there was something more sinister going on I would not allow him to get away with it. Thanks for your help I think you have helped me put things into perspective x
"if that makes it less "Laughable" for you"
It was a valid point, plus I didn't assert it, I *asked*. No need to start waving your handbag at me. ;-p
Or maybe there is. Because none of what you described up there would have been impossible for the pair of you to have done together had you been already married at the time, would it. I mean, it's not like in order to marry, one has to throw a load of spondoolichs at it. It's called a small affair (only close family & friends) or registry office.
So what I'm getting is that you're slow to trust (maybe him, too) unless someone makes such an un-ignorably huge effort in terms of capping proof of their depth and strength of feelings (supporting you unwaveringly through a crunch time), whereupon you finally relax and go for it (which then encourages *them* to go for it, and repeat... = finally tying the knot).
So that explains why the over-defensiveness at my query, then. You can call it 'cautious' if you like but caution has its own actions and timelines and, in this context, they don't tend to take 10 years to show themselves.
That's a Gotcha. (Should I duck now or later? LOL)
The upshot is that, moving forward, you need to dare to take bigger risks in less time plus take the attitude of, 'Innocent until proven guilty' rather than the other way around. That's why life gave you the cancer scare, to make you think, 'Sod it, why ever not!' more.
But no-one mentioned 'mug'. That was you and your fear talking. In fact, I'm all FOR bud-nipping, meaning, you're not going to get any criticism from me over that any more than the rest of it. It's just feedback.
I appreciate your comments but i just don't think getting married is s huge deal if I didn't want to be with him I would of ended it a long time ago I'm not a commitment phobe really we got engaged about 2 years ago but I knew from being very young he was the guy I wanted to marry. I've never been one of those princess types who wanted a big white wedding and wanted to be saved by w prince because I got my shit together. I guess I was over defensive probably brcsuse I really value whst I have I'm actually very lucky.Yes your right I could of done all those things and had a small wedding but we still want to make our day special we are going to Hawaiii and we can't wait but it's not cheap so it still required saving up. You sound quite diplomatic and fiesty and not to dissimilar to me actually talking to you has made me figure out what i wanted to say to him he arrives home tomorrow so I guess a thank you've in order take care xx
Yeah, I'm feisty and the Pope's a bit Catholic, LOL. Not sure about 'diplomatic' though.
An inordinately long engagement or delay of engagement is not a huge deal in the grand scheme of things, no, but it's still suggestive of there being whatever psychological barrier to taking what was a natural promotional step in timely fashion in the mix.
Slow to trust isn't the same as commitmentphobic, though. Slow to trust is about, due to experiential reasons having reinforced the innate nature, finding handing over the power for your own present and future welfare to A. N. Other alien thus difficult to do (whereas commitmentphobia is about fear issues, the commonest being where one secretly suspects one is in whatever way(s) sh*t or inadequate underneath ones 'clothing' as means A. N. Other, if allowed closed enough (not likely), is "inevitably" going to take one look at ones warts and go, UGH, FORGET IT!)
Basically, I'd hazard a guess you're not used to having an equal partner because you are and always were the sole boss (from as young as a teen, I'm betting). However, if, when finding yourself uncharacteristically and unexpectedly out of action, someone manages to show leadership qualities on a par with your own, then they've passed your grade and they're in - for life - with you finally getting to enjoy having someone YOU can lean on for a bleedin' change - whereupon POOF! start to go your erstwhile so-called plausible-feeling excuses to yourself. Accordingly, you were defensive because you're not used to someone frisking you *and* are too used to criticism/attempts to knock you off your perch and thought that's where I must be headed (nope).
So.... Hawaii, eh?... *VERY* nice.... But - speaking of self-sufficiency and independence - where's the father of the bride and his wallet when you need him, eh? Have you even asked?