Best friend and one night stand advice please!!
So me and my best friend have always had something between us and I mean for about 10 years now. We started to become friends with benefits but then I put a stop to it because we kept arguing - during this time we never even kissed anyone else. I have loved him the whole time. I hadn't spoken to him for a few weeks and went round his and everything was normal, we were laying on his bed cuddling and fell asleep together. The next day he was messaging me and said that he had a girlfriend and that they have been going out about 2 weeks. I asked why he didn't tell me last night and he said that it was because he felt weird talking about this kind of stuff with me which I understood as we never talk about relationships with each other. I acted as if it didn't bother me at all and went to see him the day after. Everything was fine, we watched telly and ended up laying in bed together - again as usual which I felt uncomfortable doing as he now had a girlfriend but I didn't have the power to push him away. We started to get a bit closer and next thing I knew we were kissing. I pulled away as soon as I realised what I was actually doing and he took the blame instantly but it was my fault as much as his. we started kissing again and I pulled away and asked how come me and him never ended up going out. his reply was "I don't know". I got up and left pretty much straight away and he text me after saying that he didn't think we could hang out anymore. I said to him that if they end up breaking up not to contact me because i'm not doing what we have been doing for years now, Im not putting myself through it. He said that he only knew how I felt about him when I got drunk and confessed to him which was almost a year ago now and when I pointed that out he had nothing to say. we haven't spoken for a few days and its killing me. Its hit me so hard...
Which leads me two the next dilemma...
So I went out last night to drown my sorrows and cheer myself up a bit. I just needed a good night out. I went out with a girl I only met once before but she asked me to go out and I wasn't going to turn down a drinking buddy. Turns out she was just trying to get on ever guy there and ended up leaving with some randomer. I knew a few other people in the club so I was trying to find them but as I was looking a guy walks towards me and asks me to go to another club with them and that he was having a party at his after. it turned out I knew one of his friends with him and I had no better offers so I went along. Long story short we hit it off. we have so much in common and ended up sleeping with each other. The whole night we were attached to each other and it actually felt like id known him forever. I don't usually do one night stands - infact that was my first. I stayed around his until about 12.30 today and he drove me home dispite me trying to get a taxi back a lot earlier. I thought we hit it off but when I got out of the car I was surprised that he didn't ask me for my number or say anything that would suggest that I would see him again. I cant tell if im obsessing over it because of the fact that I no longer have my best friend in my life or if I do actually like this guy as much as I think. He hasn't added me on facebook and we have loads of mutual friends so its not hard to find me. With him not suggesting that I would see him again, im not sure whether to just look at it as a good night and leave it at that or go ahead and add him. I think my pride is counting a lot towards this decision and I don't wanna be that "stalker girl" but at the same time I have never felt so attached to someone so quickly (again not sure if it is because of my vulnerable state at the moment).
As I was writing this out I have just had a text from my best friend saying that he is going to call me tomorrow which a complete head fuck again because I had tried to come to terms with the fact that I would probably not talk to him again.
I know this all sounds like high school stuff and im 23 but I just need some advise. I literally have no one I can talk to about all of this. no one that would listen and give me advice. Trust me ive tried.
Thank you so much for any advise!
It sounds like in that ten (TEN?!) year period he's had plenty of opportunities to put his supposed money where his mouth is, the latest being a whole year old, but hasn't leapt on any of them and has let them pass each time. Including this time.
He's a commitmentphobe and whereas all that time (TEN?!) you were his 'relationship lite' in which to hide from the risk of a real relationship with anyone, now that he's finally dared to enter a proper one, you've switched to becoming his safetynet relationship.
Say it with me: Nobody puts *Baby* in the corner?!
Put it this way: were he cigarettes/smoking, the abstinence by this point would be killing you just as much. That's long-term habits for ya.
New guy: He wanted to know you lived where you (I presume?) said you did. He's clearly keen as mustard! And that's *after* the so-called one-nighter. YOU'RE IN! :-) But it sounds as if he's sensed that you're not completely mentally available yet so is trying to appear as if he's relaxed and not about to pressure still-skittish you (playing it cool) so's not to put you off. *Fail*. Like you say, it's not hard to find you. Not hard AT ALL now he knows your address, eh! :-) Don't stress, just wait a few days, maybe a week at the most.
You sound like you're in conflict between finding it hard to deal with the switch from one major status quo to this new one yet impatient for this new one to become more concrete (as a way to wash the FWB faster out of your hair).
No, don't add him, that's HIS job (you're in The Chase & Woo phase). I repeat, do not add him! You grab his steering wheel THIS early on and you WILL put him off. Just wait for his moves and then ensure you respond befittingly, 'weight for weight', so that your receptivity encourages him to take the next, slightly bigger step (and repeat).
Okay, I've just read the para about the text. There you go - his interest / your conflict confirmed. Well, then, you're in a situation where you're going to have to adapt faster than you're accustomed to, aren't you. Same happened to me with now-husband... I'd only just once-and-for-all rejected the rebound boyfriend one month prior - LITERALLY one month. I thought I wasn't ready, either. Wrongggggg!  I'd done most of my grieving when still IN the relationship, and  I worked out it was a reward from Fate for having finally done the right thing by myself, which was, ridding myself of the highly frustrating, deadwood ex (again, kicking a hard habit). And then I quickly discovered that now-husband was in exactly the same boat - again, LITERALLY one month from dumping his own, uncannily-similar ex (- shpookayyy!)
YES, it's a bit of a mindf**k. But so is a large and expensive birthday present. You'll cope, in other words. :-)
(What do you MEAN, trust you, you've tried?)
This sounds like a rough time period for you, and I'm sorry for that. Let's start with the problem you're having with your best friend. First of all, honey, it sounds like he is using you and stringing you along. I think what you should do is be strong and either give him an ultimatum or just cut him off completely. Explain to him you don't like the way he makes you feel and how he pushes you away and pulls you back as he wishes. Now, with this new guy, I do not think you should add him. The night might mean more to you than it did to him, scratch that, it definitely did. If he wanted more, he would have added you already or asked for your number. He could have even gotten your number from a mutual friend if he was just being shy. I think you should regard this as just a fun night, and if he chooses to add you, he adds you. I think you should search for a guy who will make you feel like you deserve to feel, and won't leave and pull you back or ignore you when he wants to. You're beautiful, babe. Just be you.
"The night might mean more to you than it did to him, scratch that, it definitely did. "
Not sure how, but you must have missed this bit from ANGEE4: "As I was writing this out I have just had a text from my best friend saying that he is going to call me tomorrow ".
Thank you for your advice guys!
My "Best Friend" never ended up calling me nor have I heard a word from him since. Im done.
The other guy still has not added me on Facebook however there has been no updates on his page at all either so he may not have been online.... (yes I may have been checking haha). I think you are right though. I shouldn't have to chase him. Im better than that. Im only going to surround myself with people that respect me from now on
Excellent epiphany-ette! Now the only way is Up!
PS: Don't dismiss new guy too quickly. Did it not occur to you that he told your friend he was going to call you in order specifically to make you feel you had carte blanche to phone HIM? He's now waiting. (DON'T!!!) You're obviously a bit too much the whole package thus slightly intimidating to him, a bit more than he's used to biting off and chewing. Just give him time to SEE you're not going to do his chasing for him. With that option clearly (despite tacitly) closed, that leaves just two: step up to the challenge of an upgraded female model -v- hide quivering under his wickle bed and choosing from the same ol' second best barrel.
Like you say, you've had ENOUGH of quivering fools. But that doesn't automatically mean new guy "is" a fool, especially not when there's such a thing as the above-referenced 'automatic upgrade'. This means, he's better than the FWB - *guaranteed*. Whether he's better *enough* and just needs a bit more time to garner his courage or whether you need to ignore him and keep background-climbing upwards, to take one or two more steps to where the manly "Urrr!" brigade hang out, remains to be seen. But that destination, by virtue of this decision you've made (gold star!) is (psych fact!) where you're imperceptibly on your way to.
Don't go overboard in terms either of extent or duration with that vow, though (final para), because once a bloke you've been dating says or does something to ask you to be his steady, that's when nature dictates you start doing a portion (about a third) of the wooing (e.g. phoning him of an evening, little enough to pose as encouragement but never enough to make him think you're trying to grab his steering-wheel). If you don't and he has to actually complain, that'll be proof he's already grown resentful (which will get acted-out). So keep it reasonable/in check rather than overreactive and you'll be laughing.