This is going to be a long story and I'm going to spill a lot of stuff out and I'm not hoping for advice or someone to even understand, I just need someone to listen and tell me if its wrong or not.
I'm in a long distance relationship with a girl called Olivia and we went to school together and grew up in the same country.
We met in school and I was more of a class clown though it seems I was voted sexy by a number of girls which I find crazy as I was always a goofy guy who did nothing but cause girls distress by messing with em haha.
Anyway back to my story.
So I was in the same form class as her but never actually talked to her until we hit the last 2 years of school.
We connected as friends and it was really fun, alot of fun even.
Obviously as a guy I started developing a crush and that crush turned into love over the course of the last year in school.
I writ her a poem when it was the last day of our school years, she didn't understand any of it somehow but it basically said I want to go out with her.
She obliged and of course shes going to bring her best friend...
So after all that trying to somehow bond more than friends when her friend is there I obviously got annoyed and blocked her from my life (as i felt disrespected).
I then linked up with another girl, her name was stace who I never considered a friend in school more of a acquaintance, but that soon turned into the biggest friendship I've ever had in my life.
The chemistry was off the hook, everything I liked, she liked.
Any foreign movies even (Which I didn't know was possible).
So we was hanging out with her and her friends who thought I was the coolest guy since vanilla snow (or was it ice...)
So one day we was running for her bus after watching avatar in 3DD (though no boobs), and she was wearing heels and understandably she couldn't run, I picked her up and carried her to the bus.
After that I knew I liked her more than a friend but I didn't know how she felt, and maybe she wanted to remain friends.
So I'm now talking to Olivia after sorting out our differences.
We started actually going out and enjoying eachothers company, while I still hang out with Stacey.
One day a storm brewed in west london (which is my location) and we argued about her talking to another guy outside her college.
She says I'm over-reacting and she wants to end our relationship 4 weeks in.
I ask why, she ignores me.
She gets on the bus to go home...I follow right behind her.
She ignores my presence as if I don't exist.
We get off the bus and she walks home, its raining and I'm wearing a black shirt only, I'm crying while its raining shouting to her "WHY? WHAT STARTED THIS?!"
She doesn't reply and tells me to just go home.
I stand their in the rain wallowing in my pain thinking what did I do besides get jealous?
I wait for the bus to go back home, half way their she calls my phone and asks me "Hey...Where are you?"
I reply "I'm on the bus..home."
She replies "Oh...ok then..."
I reply "Wait are you at the bus stop?"
She replies "No it doesn't matter"
I reply "Wait right there!"
I get off the bus half way to my house, I run and jog for about 20 minutes back to the bus stop.
Shes waiting their for me, we run to eachother and hug.
After that our relationship obviously starts getting deeper, she consoles in me saying she wanted to break up because shes being deported back to cuba because she came here on a visitors visa.
We didn't know when but she said soon and that's why she wanted to break up.
After being with her for a year, I still meet with Stace because I still feel her as my best friend in the whole wide world.
I can feel the tension in my heart thrusting towards her but I'm loyal and I will never ever betray someone as my father did and then in turn abandoned me, something I could never do to someone.
She then tells me she has a crush on a guy called, sam.
He has a pizza face.
Spots all over his face.
And a homosexual type of clothing and accent (sorry for the insult) but it was pretty obviously he liked men after I saw him checking out every guy we walked past.
I told her is she sure, and she said yeah...yeah..
I cared too much for her and even though I was jealous as hell, I proceeded to talk to him and tell him her feelings.
He laughed and said "are you an idiot?"
I replied with "What?"
He replied "Not my place to say."
I replied angrily "You piece of S*** you either talk to her and tell her you feel the same way or you don't, but don't you hurt her or I will destroy your pizza ridden face and turn it into a pitta bread"
He stood there, shocked.
I left as I had to meet up with my girlfriend olivia.
Now olivia is a depression ridden girl, she's gets swayed by her emotions too easily.
She sees pictures of me and my best friend holding hands in a picture (WHICH TO THIS DAY I DON'T KNOW HOW I EVER HELD HER HAND)
Her in distress tells me to leave her alone.
So I'm in her house downstairs and I run upstairs and see her with a bunch of pills and water (though she consoled she would have never done it anyway) it made me realise I really hurt her...
I made the hardest decision in my life, and cut off all ties with Stace out of the blue.
This lasted a year before our fates intertwined again.
I was on my way from a job interview and my rotten luck, I got lost.
Who's there to save the day?! Stace.
We talk and she knows the way to the place I'm trying to find and helps me out, she waits for me outside the whole time (12 minutes or so).
We go to eat some great tasting pizza, and instantly my heart *BANG* same feelings (again I thought this was lust or just a crush that somehow lasted 2 years?)
We talk about everything that happened, I asked her does she still like sam.
She says, "Who?"
I said "Sam the guy you had a massive crush on?"
She said "Ohh yeah didn't work out ah well!"
I somehow relieved said "Oh ok too bad you are gorgeous, hes missing out".
She says "It means a lot coming from you"
Anyway its getting late so I take her to her train station, and we pause and just stare at eachother while her train is right their and she ain't getting on, my mind is saying "KISS HER KISS HER KISS HER KISS HER", my heart says "Don't do it you jerk, don't do it!".
I end up giving her a hug and saying farewell and then adding her number n also a web messenger (can't remember the name of it)
We converse through it and talk alot and nearly about everything.
I'm 3 years in my relationship with Olivia and I'm still talking to stace.
Olivia's sex drive goes because of certain medication which I ignored, but then also her mood swings came into play.
So we find out the news we dreaded for so long, she leaves 2 weeks time.
I go to watch a basketball match downstairs in my house, she goes on the PC.
She comes downstairs and asks me to come upstairs, I said "Alright babe".
As soon as I entered she boxed me in my face, and screamed "LOOK AT THAT DO YOU THINK I'M A IDIOT?!"
I look at the screen and its me and Stace's messages and in the back of my head I'm like "Why the fuck did i get hit for?"
She thinks I'm cheating with her just because I said stace was second most important person in my life to olivia.
She goes crazy and attacks me obviously at this time I'm thinking "I really want to punch her but my mama said never hit a lady"
But I didn't understand why I was getting hit and sworn at.
She brings her mom in the room to further embarrass me and her mom looks confused at the messages and said "Whats wrong with that?"
And then Olivia attacks me again but her mom holds her back.
I get ready to leave and pack my backs and end it their and then.
She wants an answer before I leave, who means more "Me or her?"
I said I can't answer and leave before I'm found out on NBC news dead.
She comes to my house and tells my mom bullshit that I cheated on her, I told my mom the whole story and told me "You are wrong for one thing, you're are too confused of who you are in love with".
I agree instantly because my mom knows me better than anyone else, I would never go out of my way to hurt anyone unless it was in stupid circumstances.
I prove to Olivia that she means more, I send stace messages saying "Everything I said to you, I lied, I used you i didn't even think of you as a friend".
Stace sends a reply instantly saying "What what what? Why? What did I do?!"
I reply saying "Im sorry"
And I block her, delete her etc.
The reason I did that was out of guilt...Think about it.
The girl I fell in love with is leaving in four weeks, and I now influenced her mind to definitely leave.
I told her about staying and obviously bypassing the system by just having her pregnant, she didn't give it a second thought and left.
2.5 years I've been in a long distance relationship, and due to family concerns and lack of a stable income, I never got the money to at least visit her once.
The feelings felt less and less slowly pulling away from my heart, arguments and arguments and then obviously trust issues.
Lets face it, no matter how much you know you can trust that person to not do anything, your mind and dreams will always play tricks on you.
Now Olivia talks about staying over in canada forever (she got a visa to live their) and for me to marry her and stay over there.
Instantly I said no.
Nothing wrong with the canadians except south park taking the p*** out of it but I could never leave my family and cats, dog and my pet parrot momo.
So then I knew the relationship was in limbo as we both didn't know what outcome to take.
Obviously she might be banned from the country I live in because she overstayed for over 10 years on a visitors visa.
So rewind 3 days ago, I make a facebook.
My first friend request.
At first I ignored it because I was a piece of s*** to her for not even explaining to her why I said everything i did.
But I accepted it, and instantly she said "HELLO!!!"
I replied with "I'm sorry"
She replies with "Its ok...you obviously had a better reason than the one you gave me"
(This is 2-3 years later and we acting like it happened last week).
So I tell her everything!!!
Literally everything about me and Olivia and how she's left the country for the last 2-3 years.
And why I blocked her and removed her from my life.
Stace tells me she went to Hong kong and met a guy called Shun who was from japan.
She said she fell in love but he had to go back to japan and she had to come back here.
I then exchanged poems I written over the years, and she did too.
She written one on how she had feelings for her closest friend and hated herself for it and couldn't fill the gap for the last 3 years.
I'm a idiot and really slow with reading feelings.
I thought she meant someone else.
So I just said it then and their.
Stace, I broke up the relationship for another reason.
I fell for you.
I couldn't stop thinking of you.
Your face, your lips, your hair, your voice and your body.
She stopped typing and instantly called me and said "How do you expect me to react..."
And i replied with "I don't know but I just can't clog it up anymore..."
I said "Everything about you is just too similar with me..."
I then said "Already now...I feel the same about you again instantly after seeing your name.."
I said "I didn't want to say anything to you because I didn't know how you felt and you liked another guy so I never said my true feelings to you..."
She says "You are the biggest idiot in the whole world, it was never sam. He's gay."
She proceeds "It was you...that poem was about you, me going to hong kong to escape being in the same country as you and trying to find love and it turns out the guy I fall for is exactly like you but I couldn't have him"
We then both at the same time said the exact same words "We both thought we found love but we are a million miles away from it"
I said "It can't be a coincidence anymore, finding you everytime and you finding me everytime...And both of the people we thought we should be with are now in a different country and most likely never going to be with them realistically."
After all that I told her to just have a good time and I'll talk to her another time (she went to a club with her friends).
What do i do?
She said "If you sort out your thing with Olivia then we can be together, but I don't want to have a complicated drama thing in my life".
Thanks for reading my story and I hope it was entertaining.
But I indeed do need help.
If you were in my shoes what would you do?
Would you keep going at the long distance relationship hoping for it to just carve out somehow.
I've stopped calling her and she's noticed I small talk her a lot.
I don't want her to break down and be depressed I obviously care and still love her...but...I'm starting to think this can't be such a coincidence can it?!
Everything that's shaped up in my life...led me to her...
Shes going to go uni and I'm going for a job (Education just ain't for me)
But Uni over in this country ain't like the USA where you have dorms and live there etc.
I can't stop thinking of her, and I'm hating myself to the point I can't stop punching my boxing bag till the fluff or whatever is inside is exploding.
I'm hating myself the fact I've made two girls fall in love with me and I love them both but obviously I think I love one more now...just because I can actually see her...in person.
That's my story thus far, and if stace somehow found a guy in the club and hooked up, I would be more than HAPPY!
Then I wouldn't have to hurt one of them.
It sounds to me throughout this you already know who you want but some unwarrented guilt is stopping you from going after who you really want. You aren't your dad and you can't put your life on hold just incase you hurt someone else like he did you and your mum.