Should I be scared of him?
So I have been in a relationship with this guy for almost 3 years now and it has been very shaky. My issue with him was always that he likes to flirt a lot with other girls which makes me feel disrespected. He always assures me that they are either lesbians or married or in relationships with his friends so i have nothing to worry about. These are girls that I have never met as he does not invite me to parties or social gatherings with his friends yet I always invite him if I have a party or anything to go to. So moving forward. We broke up once last year for like a few days and got back together. We have recently broken up again I'd say it's been about a week but we are still seeing each other.
Now I know that I am not perfect and I have messed up before. I have never cheated tho or given him any reason to believe I would. I do nag alot and I am pretty paranoid so I go through his phone a lot and that always angers him. He is going through a rough time as well and is the kind of person with a very bad temper. He gets upset very quickly and he shouts and yells and swears at me when he gets angry. And he gets angry a lot. It used to scare me in the beginning but now it just irritates me.
So technically we're not together anymore but we were engaged and we haven't told alot of people we broke up (for instance it is still on facebook that we're engaged to each other). He does always tell me that he's trying to change but most times I feel like he is using me. His apartment isn't that great and he cant cook so he's always at my place. Also he's just got a new job and hasn't been paid yet so I have been paying for everything. I don't mind taking care of him in fact I love doing it but I just want to feel loved and respected. My other problem with him is that he only seems to want to be with me within my apartment. We hardly ever do things together and we make plans that he always cancels. There have been times when I have been sick but he decided to go to parties (instead of maybe looking after me) with his friends and these girls. When I tell him how I feel he gets angry and shouts and swears etc. Then he calms down and says he'll try.
Ok so here is why i dont know if i should be scared or maybe worried. I didn't want him to spend easter alone so I invited him to have lunch with me and my brother and sister in law. We had also planned that we would say goodbye to each other by having one last night together. So lunch was fine and when we got home to my place we ended up having a huge fight. He got really angry and was swearing and he shoved me. It wasn't a very hard shove but it took me by surprise because he has never been aggressive in that form before. So I calmed him down and he apologised. I told him it was ok but now I'm wondering if it is something I should be concerned about.
He has anger problems and he knows that he does. We have also been to couples therapy twice awhile back and we might go again. He is still at my place and I have a feeling he might be here for a few days. He is not a bad person and does have a good heart.
Sorry if I seemed to ramble on in my story and I am sorry it is so long. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
Aside from the fact you can't corroborate his claims of these women being so-called unavailable and impervious to advances - SO WHAT? He's having a relationship with YOU and YOUR moral settings and sensitivities, not himself and his, and your happiness and peace of mind is supposed to be his number one priority or at least joint number one with his own, so if you find that conduct unacceptable then you find that conduct unacceptable, full-stop (and you're not in the minority, either)...what's he going to *do* about it? Keep upsetting you whilst merely telling you *not* to get upset? Would he expect you to gouge out your own eyeballs if this were a case of you having to stand and watch this (contextually-speaking) misconduct?
This is a weight issue: is the fact of the 'flirtees' being deprived of what he at the same time alleges is meaningless flirtation, more meaningful and weighty to him than the fact of his flirting causing his so-called most important person obvious distress and confusion? Error - Does Not Compute.
Three- THREE WHOLE YEARS together and yet he fails to invite you to his friends' parties (which in this context is tantamount to insisting you not attend with him)? What the heck are you so-called dating?
Look, you wouldn't feel "paranoid"?, er, no, actually - SUSPICIOUS, nor feel compelled to go through his phone if he were meanwhile making you feel so loved and prized that to even think of doing so would make you feel downright stupid and riddled with trust issues.
If it waddles like a duck, quacks like a duck, it's probably a duck.
Did I say duck? I mean, spoiled baby despot.
Yes, he is using you. He's keeping you (with false impressions) as his source of sex-on-tap thus greater level of confidence for when cruising at his friends parties (where you're, for obvious reasons, never allowed). If said cruise expedition yields no success, back he comes to you. At all other times, he engineers it so that he won't be seen out and about with you or bang goes his public pretence of being single and available (although, actually, that he's IN a relationship is the pretence part).
"When I tell him how I feel he gets angry and shouts and swears etc. Then he calms down and says he'll try."
And whilst I'm at it, let's re-type the above statement properly: Whenever I posit any objection like any reasonable, faithful woman would, he tries to intimidate me and then, once that fails to work, tries to shut me up with what are merely hot-air promises to change....and repeat.
That's escalated, hasn't it... to him actually putting his hands aggressively on you. So what's next in this ante uppage to get you to shut up and toe his spoiled baby user line? A fist through your face?
Delete the lie on FB about you and he being engaged, cease supplementing his income via cash and free suppers, etc. Just dump the user bully, make him have to be single and sh*g-less whilst he cruises for a replacement he can actually love and respect (pff, good luck to him with that one!).
"He is not a bad person and does have a good heart."
Sorry, ROCKERCHIC88, but nice person with good heart is as nice person with good heart *does*. This spoiled bully user is doing the opposite. So he's 'not' WHAT now???
Serious question: how IS it that you can't recognise with any confidence that a man you're dating is treating you like you and your feelings don't matter diddly squat (basically like sh*t on his shoe) compared to him and his (and even complete strangers)? What on earth were your previous relationships like that, by comparison, you would have yourself and people here believe this so-called man is in-motion the definition of a nice person with a good heart?