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Hopeless

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Relationship advice So I feel like I just really need to get EVERYTHING off my chest and out! I have been going to a counselor, but can't be completely honest with her. I feel so confused and helpless and I really don't know what to do!

I have been with my boyfriend for almost 3 years now. We moved very quickly...probably to quickly...and had a great perfect relationship and bond almost instantly. I am a very open non judgmental person, and had just gotten out of an 8 year relationship. Early in the relationship we were going out having fun. My boyfriend used cocaine occasionally and I would also. Things were great between us.

Well a month before or 1 year anniversary, I found out I was pregnant. E had had discussions about children in the future, just not do soon, so I really didn't feel to nervous about this. He was way more excited than I even was! We found out I was having twins, I was scared, he was still excited!
Then things started to change. I obviously could no longer party, and he said he no longer wanted that lifestyle either. I never cared about him continuing to go out with friends, and early ofc even kept up with the lifestyle, but remained sober. By the time the babies were born, he was going to quit the drug use.

It quickly became apparent to me that he was not just an occasional user, but actually had a problem. So then the lies started. He owns a mechanic shop so he would stay later and later, drinking with his friends, and going out to bars after work. All the time telling me, he was on his way home, leaving soon, blah blah, lie lie. So then the arguments started. Perry much the entire pregnancy, which was a very difficult one for me and the babies, was a constant argument and lies.

The babies were born, and things did slow down, yet he would still "work" late often always coming home drunk, and wanting to drink more. I tried and tried to work with him on this, but the more I tried the more he pushed away, so soon we were back to the lies and staying out late after work in bars not answering the phone etc. I had had enough so I started telling him to leave, stay gone. My temper had gotten so bad that when he would come home the arguments were horrible and I did not want the babies around this environment.

The week of the twins first birthday, he again stayed out all night and came home around 4am. I didn't even fight I just told him to go, I couldn't do this. He left and stayed gone the whole next day..didn't go to work, no answer on his phone for anyone...nothing! I talked to him that evening he said he was in a hotel, wanted to come home. I told him I had no time to argue my mom was over helping with the babies, to leave me alone. He never came home. I went to work the next day and by the time I got home he was there also. Well Friday night, beige the girls birthday, I looked through his phone and found numerous web pages of escorts. I checked the phone bill...numerous calls! I night his phone and comport and continued him...He denied anything he was just looking! Then with the phone bill...no one answered, he had second thoughts, didn't want to spend the money...bullshit lies!

W had the party, I was devastated, the day after the party I was going to leave, but could not stand the idea of our family falling apart. I tried to talk to him, told him to come clean about everything, what does he want, etc. I stayed. I believed his story, it was a one time thing, he didn't go through with it. Well Monday on my way to work things just weren't sitting right with me, so I looked further into the phone bill. This same number in particular had been outgoing and incoming numerous times that he had left after arguments! He stl denied. A few hours later he called me sty work and told me things had happened the last two times he stayed gone.

I left work, came home, got things together and left. I immediately hated leaving, but felt I had to. I just wanted him to care, get help, get of the drugs. I stayed calling and being him bit to lose or family. I don't believe in split Jones, and I can't stand the thought of raising the girls alone.

Cutting to the chase now, I'm back...He had changed a little. He comes home. He still lies, still uses, I can't trust him at all. He is so mean to me, which he never used to be. I feel like I need to get or but am soooooo scared. I don't even think he cared. I'm hurt, and feel dumb and embarrassed. I feel guilty for having children with him, and feel like this is all my fault. Im so afraid and angry, I don't think out is fair that I will have to b a single mom. And he will just get to live the party life! Btw he is 40 & I am 29.

Hopeless

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First off, why can't you be completely honest with her?

If you could no longer do that lifestyle, how come he didn't stay in with you? What - he wants it BOTH ways? Husband-figure with wife-figure and 2.4 kids *and* carry on as if he's single? How come you let this become a habit after the second or third occasion?

Well, it's decidedly unfair for him to encourage you to keep the babies like that decision was a joint one but then to make decisions that obviously don't sit well with you, unilaterally.

Here's what's happened (and at this point I've only read to your third para because his behaviour says it all, meaning, the rest is just unimportant detail): Yes, you did tie the knot (biologically) too soon, before you'd had a chance to see more than a couple of facets of that supposed diamond. However (now having read the rest), you should have stated your objections earlier on. There again, should you even HAVE to? I (and the decent, emotionally mature men of this world) would say not. But you basically gave him the distinct impression that a life with you would be a permissive one in terms of his getting to live TWO lifestyles...which then got whittled down NOT in your favour because, basically, der wickle bubbie isn't mature enough to deal with the nitty-gritty of real life with its actual responsibilities, rather than non-stop fun-fun-fun. So you effectively married a child, didn't you. So you're likewise effectively a single mum, aren't you.

You said you told him to leave. Yet, come the 1st birthdays, there he still was...And there you still were - having to keep repeating yourself. And then you told him to leave AGAIN and this time he DID....for all of two seconds before you let him home again.

Well, what do you *do* when a baby can't be told to cease behaving in acceptable ways *and* won't stay put on the Naughty Step? You ought to know this because you've got two REAL ones that accordingly in time are going to start deaf-earing and disobeying you.

"but could not stand the idea of our family falling apart."

THERE IT IS!

WHAT 'family' and WHY can't you? Not a rhetorical question, I'd like to know, please?

"I don't believe in split Jones, and I can't stand the thought of raising the girls alone. "

That's a shame. Because evidently 'it' believes in you. And news for you: you've been raising the girls alone all this time anyway. Have you not? Only with constant crushed expectations and disappointment in the mix. Right?

Changed a little, huh? Thereby proving he can and always could have if he'd wanted to...including changes for the worse. Emphasis on wanted to. Clearly didn't and doesn't, aside from just enough to enable to him to keep this cushy double-life set up (yet meanwhile demonstrating his resentment at your having made him toe part of the line, in the form of being hostile toward you): lovers and partying galore on one side, free 24/7 mother, nanny, cook, bottle-washer, housekeeper, cleaner, live-in therapist (I shouldn't wonder), phone answerer/message-taker ...what else? No 'lover-soulmate' in that list, though, is there. Course not. He's shifted that part over to the other side of his life.

And in return, within this supposedly symbiotic relationship, you get WHAT NOW?

Who told you being a single mum- sorry, OFFICIALLY becoming a single mum, was a case of worse rather than just different, including with its own up-sides? I repeat, you're a single mum already. What's going to change? OOOH - you're going to CEASE being set up for constant disappointment, CEASE having constant insult and aggro, CEASE having to cook adult suppers if you don't want to, CEASE having to consult over which telly programme to watch, CEASE... I could go on and on and on! And what is going to START is ....[drum roll].... MONTHLY CHILD MAINTENANCE.

One glass or two? :-)

Hopeless

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Oops, almost forgot: ...and your *true* soulmate (and wonderful step-dad).

Three glasses or four? :-)

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B-3