Need advice. What's going on with him?
I thought we were just friends with benefits but now I'm confused by how he's acting. Okay so he kind of wanted to date me but I screwed up now he says he doesn't want anything with me but he now he's acting weird. I live 2 hrs away FYI (I used to live in his city and all my friends are there so I go there almost every weekend to see them and if I have time I'll see him too). He asks for me to spend the night quite a bit lately.He was going through something and asked me to come over to keep his mind off of things and we just chilled while he laid in my lap and I rubbed his head, no sex, he tried I said no, then later I tried then he told me no so I just slept over. I left the next morning, he calls that night to ask me to come back I said no but I'd let him know when I would be back in town. Days later before I get a chance to even talk to him he calls and ask me when I'm coming back said I wasn't sure and but then he asked, then insisted that I come that night.
He is supposed to go out but instead for whatever reason stays in with me and we fall asleep cuddling, me sleeping on his chest. I stay until 4 pm the next day, leave and hours later he calls me and asks me to come back and see him before he goes out, I was with my friend and said I couldn't. He goes out that night he texts me drunk and says "come to me" then starts calling me to come over I say no then he starts saying how I need to come over "because I just want to hold you as I fall asleep" then asked "wait, are you with that guy right now. I'm getting pissed, you're my girl" then said that he wanted me to go to church with him the next day and is still asking for me to come see him but I still couldn't come over.
The next morning he texts me saying he wants me to go to church with him so I go (first time going with him) afterwards I say that I'm leaving and he pretty much starts begging me to stay saying he didn't want me to hang out just for 30 min just for me to leave and for me to stay. He says "I thought you wanted to spend more time together, I'm trying to and now you don't that's f*cked up". He tells me not to leave but to but do my work there instead so I could spend the night so I stay for a bit and he makes dinner, he tries to have sex I say no because I kind of was in a funky mood all day and he just asking me what was wrong said he wanted to know and that he could talk to me and then pulled me to him and he held me for a while and he kept asking me to spend the night again but decided to go home.
I'm confused, this doesn't seem like typical fwb behavior at least to me it doesn't. He gets jealous of other guys that I talk to. He keeps asking about this one guy in particular, tries to look into my phone, got mad because I was sending another guy a Snapchat while he was there, said "hmm you have a lot of guy friends". We even held hands (even though he was drunk) but he doesn't like to kiss much anymore which is throwing me off. My friends say they would never ask their fwb to go go to church with them, or ask their fwb to come over when they're down, and keep asking to see so much. He wants to know when I'm quitting my job (I'm trying to move up there).Even asked when he comes to my city do I want for him to see me (I said no because I just wasn't feeling how things were with us at the moment) They think he wants to be with me but is just being guarded right now because of how I kind of messed up things before and he doesn't trust me (when were initially dating a few months in, not exclusively, he found out that I was seeing 3 other guys in addition to him *not sleeping just dating* then backed off quite a bit), so he's proceeding with caution should I say. Does he truly see me as fwb or does he want more just not trying to get attached/being guarded? What's up with the lack of kissing thing? What's this guys deal?
**we met in November but I didn't have sex with him until March**
I'm pretty sure he wants more. Guys rarely invite FWB to church and, if he can't handle you being with other guys (which it sounds like he can't), he either needs to grow up and date you or stop seeing you.
Honestly, if I were you I'd do a few things:
1. As yourself whether you want to date this guy. (I'd personally say "no" as there are a lot of red flags for me here. He feels really controlling, especially since he's still claiming to be a FWB. But I suppose the heart wants what it wants, even if I'd steer clear of this guy.)
2. If you don't, just ignore him. If you want a FWB situation, you can almost certainly find one without this drama. (In fact, the lack of drama is the whole *point* of a FWB situation.) (And please ignore-ignore him. The reason he keeps asking you to do stuff is that you keep rewarding him by doing stuff with him.)
3. If you do want a relationship (and proceed cautiously here), I'd be very clear about it (like he has to agree to be in a relationship-relationship) as well as with what it means. (i.e. I'd assume it means that neither of you sleep with/date other people. It might also mean seeing each other X number of times in a period of time or whatever.)
Thanks for your reply! See the thing is before this he said he wanted more and thought we were being exclusive.
I'm not too sure now. Sunday he kept asking me to spend the night then he looked into my phone saw that my guy friend wanted me to come over and asked if I was going to see him. I said I might, then he asked if I was going to spend the night with him and I said I might but probably not, to which he said well you can come back and spend the night if you want. I said no I'm just going to go then I left.
I didn't hear from all week which was weird. Finally called him yesterday . Finally talked to him and he tells me he doesn't want me to get attached. What the heck? Why in the world would he think that when he did all that stuff from the first post that I mentioned (kept asking to see me, getting upset about other guys, etc.)? Like it just doesn't make sense lol, so much so that I think he's lying because he knows that he's attached and doesn't think I want what he wants. Really how does he not want me to get attached when HE was doing all that stuff? Then he says "yea I just feel bad using you for sex", again what in the world? You just use me for sex but I go home two hours away, but you ask for me to come back that same night just for sex? Want to hold me in your arms as you fall asleep because it was just sex? Being almost clingy because it's just sex? Correct me if I'm wrong but I feel like he did too much for it to be just sex. Then I say how are you using me if we're both on the same page on what we do and don't want?
Then here comes the kicker, he said well there's someone else. I said oh when did you meet her, he said in December (we met in November). So I ask so was she out of town last weekend or something? Because remember before I even got a chance to let him know when I was coming back he called me at 3:30 that afternoon saying he wanted me to come up there, stayed there until 4 pm the next day, then he asked me to come over again only a few hours later then calls me again to come back spend the night, then wants to go to church the next morning, and tells me he's trying to work on spending more time together, tells me to do my work there so that I can spend the night. Any who he says the other girl conveniently went to a wedding that weekend. Then I asked why didn't he ask her over the week before when he was feeling down instead of me to which he replies "oh I think she was busy", again how convenient. The person you supposedly want is convenient so you ask your booty call instead of waiting for the girl you want? I know he has a best gf then why not ask her next instead of your fwb? Again I think he's just lying.
Also where was this girl the week before then when I spent the night the Saturday, Sunday, and he wanted me to come back that Monday and then begged to see me again days later? Then I mentioned the other guy that I had a date with a few weeks ago then he proceeds to ask me, "have you had sex with him? Did you blow him, did you kiss him?" If you really have this girl then what do you care?
I really do think he's lying. I know it seems crazy lol but I really do. I think he got hurt, chalked it up in his head that I don't want him and now he's trying to push me away and make me feel bad. Really based off my other post did that seem like a girl who was getting attached? Lol Even you mentioned how my behavior came off a certain way. Also I feel like if you truly had someone else you wouldn't care what your fwb is doing. I don't know I could definitely be wrong but I really do think he's lying.
He sounds like he's all over the place.
In many ways, he sounds like a lot of people - he want to have his cake and eat it too. (i.e. have sex with you, have sex with the other girl, but expect you both to be exclusive to him) That's not reasonable.
Again, to me he sounds like a lot of drama for no good reason. I'd recommend not seeing him again and not stressing out over it. Again, FWB situations are supposed to be low key. This is not. IF you want low key sex, you can undoubtedly find someone else to provide it for you.
If for some reason you really do like this guy (and again, I'm seeing a lot of "avoid, avoid, avoid!" flags, but to each their own), I'd very clearly tell him that you want an exclusive relationship or its over between the two of you. Then hold tight to it.
But again, you say you don't feel attached, and I'm going to take your word for it. Since you're NOT attached, and he's causing drama, cut him loose. This will give you the time/energy to find a real relationship with someone who isn't crazy (assuming you want one) or a drama-free FWB situation (assuming that's what you want).
See here's the reason why I think he's lying. A long time ago when he found that I was dating a handful other guys he wanted to know where he stood and I let him know that I had someone else that I was interested in and that he was my number one. He began to ask all these questions, "so what does your number one do that I don't do?" "can he *fill in a characteristic* like me?" "is he as strong as me?" but then ultimately says "well I guess I need to step up then huh?" and then bam next week he turns around and says "yea I've got a number one too"
How convenient. I'm black, and also the first black woman he's ever been interested in so he says, "Yea she actually lives up here, oh and she's white". With that last line I knew he was doing that as get back and that there really wasn't a number one for him. Then proceeds to say how he doesn't want to compete with the other guys .
Then days later he says "Hey this isn't going anywhere if we're both dating other people. I don't want things to get serious." How in the world is it getting serious if we're both dating other people? Especially if I just told you I was interested in someone else? I believe he likes to do these ego boost/save the face tactics when I've hurt his feelings. This is why I think he's lying, or at least, playing up this other girl.