I Have Issues, And It's Killing Me Inside.
Hello, please bare with my as a I give some background, it's all linked to the issue I will eventually come to in regards to my current relationship.
I'm 19, growing up I was never close with my parents at all, we rarely ever spoke despite living in the same household, partly my problem of being a stereotypical teenage boy whom would stay in his bedroom all day playing games. My family never sat around the table to eat dinner and we never went on holidays growing up because my parents have never been well off financially. I feel no love for my own family whatsoever, and it wouldn't bother me if I were to never see them ever again. During my first year of university, I tasted independence for the first time in my entire life, I loved it so much I never wanted to return home, and that is still my feeling to this day, the place I grew up in is a heavily deprived area, a small town with a minuscule population, nothing of interest there whatsoever and no prospect of a good job or any form of a good life there which contributed also to my thinking of not wanting to go back home, alongside my feelings, or rather I should say non-existent feelings for my family. No doubt some will say I'm selfish, which I agree with, and things I will later say in this will do nothing but aid that suggestion also.
So, I'm not close with my family whatsoever, feel no love for them, now you know that, moving on,
I'm severely introverted, I would even go even further to argue I'm anti-social. During my entire life up to now I have only ever had three friends which I had in Highschool. When I left high school to go to college we all split off in our separate ways and none of us has ever really seen each other again, we've all moved on. I went through college and through university so far with no friends besides one person whom I don't speak to anymore. When I came to university, my position evolved from being simply introverted to becoming anti-social and not wanting to communicate with people whatsoever, or even make any friends. I like to be alone all the time. Even the friends I made in Highschool weren't friends in the traditional sense, the only time we ever saw each other was during school time, outside of school they were like me, always in their bedrooms all day playing video games with no social life so we never played outside or whatever like you would expect kids to do. I spent my entire childhood alone inside my room, and still do to this day, about to turn 20. So overall, I have had no friends besides the 3 friends I had in Highschool which i've never seen since, had a brief friendship with 1 person at university whom I stopped seeing well over a year ago.
The combination of these two factors however has made me feel depressed, I feel like I have never been loved before, which you could say and I would not completely disagree with you, is because of my own fault. I've been feeling lonely and unloved my entire life. The irony is, I know I'm making myself feel this way, I don't want to make friends, I don't particular like people in general, or talking to them that much at all, I like to be alone all the time, but this is also my biggest downfall, I'm slowly breaking myself away into pieces from loneliness which has created its own set of problems.
I then met my now girlfriend who I have been going out with for 7 months now, I have met her parents about a week ago and have booked a holiday together for the Summer, so you could say things are getting pretty serious.
Now, here comes the problem.
Because of everything I have been talking about, the feeling of being alone and unloved throughout my entire life, not close to parents, close to no friends or social contact besides going to school/university throughout my life. I have become to realize how bad my problems actually are having now had a girlfriend. I love her so much, but because of all of this, I feel the need for her to be around me 24/7, no doubt I will be struck down for saying what I'm about to say, having not been in this situation before compared to others who know what it really is like, nontheless, I wish I had a clingy girlfriend, which my current girlfriend is not. She spends pretty much all day, everyday with her friends. On most days if not everyday she will disappear randomly without telling me that she is going to be hanging out with her friends, and I feel the need to know where she is at all times. She will disappear for up to 6 hours at most times, return for about 5 minutes then go out again for another load of hours by which time I have gone bed and the process repeats itself and I feel like I hardly see her anymore, despite living under the same roof (we live in student halls together with other people). Sometimes she will message me saying something along the lines of 'sorry I haven't seen you today, love you' but then I get really angry, because after messaging me that i would expect her to come home and make it up to me but she still doesn't come back home for many hours, and if she does come home she will come home for 5 minutes, (if that) as i said and disappear again. She says she is sorry she hasn't seen me much today, but the next day and the day after that etc she will spend all day with her friends and I will see her for like 5 minutes the entire day.
I feel like I'm not good enough for her, I constantly think to my paranoid, clingy self "what could she possibly be doing for 6-8+ hours with her friends, every single day! that is so interesting??! I am not a social person so 1 hour of social contact is enough for me on any given day, so the idea of her spending on most cases 8+ hours a day every day with her friends drives me insane on what she could possibly be doing and it drives me angry because I wish we could be like that too. It would be inconceivable to think we could spend that much time together, unless it was a special day just between me and her like spending the day in the city doing stuff like visiting museums, going to the zoo or something.
Essentially, I feel like she spends way too much time with her friends and not enough time with me and in the process I have become an angry and clingy mess that wants a girlfriend to be around me 24/7 and show me love constantly. I want to be around her always and I want her to be just as clingy as I am now, but she is not and it depresses me. Sometimes I will just lie in bed or force myself to try and sleep in bed all day because I'm too depressed to do anything, sometimes I will even start crying to myself thinking of how lonely I am, despite being in a relationship. She is the only person I have in my entire life quite literally and i am dependent as a result, I wish she was dependent on me too.
In the past I had really bad paranoia issues, perhaps they still exist but not to a large extent as it used to be. I used to be paranoid about her talking to guys and stuff but I'm not so fussed about that anymore because deep down I know she loves me, she goes the shop for me, (without me asking) she has bought me an iphone 5s, spending well over £500-600 on me for a new phone. She has spend tons of money on food for me, probably in the hundreds of pounds and nice little cute gifts like buying me teddy bears, she tells me she loves me and cuddles me a lot. But deep down I don't feel like it's enough, and it kills me inside because I want a clingy girlfriend just like I am and I am constantly paranoid about what she is doing with her friends whom she spends with quite literally all day and I'm jealous at the same time because I wish I got that same amount of attention she gives to them.
I know this is bad, I haven;t told her I don't want to her to spend as much time with her friends or anything like that, I know that she has her own social life and her own friends and it would be wrong and selfish of me to try and drive her away from them. I have told her that I wish we spent more time together but things don't seem to be improving and i'm increasingly becoming more sad and angry because I don't feel loved as much as I want to be. The biggest problem is I want to come out and tell her how bad I feel with the amount of time she spends with her friends and not me, how we don't have that same connection were we can talk and hangout for hours, but I know this would only be bad for the relationship, I've expressed some of my feelings to her in the past, and I don't want to make things worse by constantly going on about it and driving her away from me because i'm too clingy, instead I keep it to myself, hiding it away inside which makes me feel really bad and I feel like I can't take it anymore.
Please help me, I need some advice on what I should do, i'm not even sure what I expect from writing all this, but felt the need to express my feelings to someone to get it all off my chest.
Insecurities are hard. It's big of you to recognize them and also to acknowledge that your girlfriend needing her own time/space/friends isn't a sign that she doesn't love you, it's just a sign that we *all* need other people in our lives.
So that's good.
My best advice would be to accept that your feelings are valid, just potentially harmful. Then figure out what you can do regarding the harmful feelings. Maybe it would help to have things other than your girlfriend to occupy your time (so that you miss her less - a great hobby, other friends, school, a career whatever can help).