Daughter wants my partner to move out when she visits.
I live abroad and lost my husband of 50 years 2 years ago. We were friendly with couple 18 months ago he lost his wife and , we started going out together socially he is a wonderful man and he has moved in with me we are really happy together. My daughter, son-in-law and my grandson visits three times a year, she is very upset that he is living with me and wants him to move out when she comes to stay she doesn't want to meet him. I have been back to visit her and tried to talk to her about the situation but she is not interested and said she wont come if he is here. My son is very happy for me and has tried talking to her. My partner is upset and neither of us want to be apart at our age. Would appreciate your thoughts and advice.
Two years is a short time after her losing such a loved one - her Daddy. She is still grieving.
In her head, if she "accepts" this man, then she "betrays" her father's memories. Plus, now you have tried to "replace" her father by bringing him into your house and your bed. Her refusal to even meet him says volumes about this.
Encourage her to go to grieving classes with other adult children who have lost a parent. What you have described is not an uncommon scenario. That you are a vital woman with social and sexual needs is out of her understanding and acceptance right now. It sounds like you feel very strongly about her need to accept where you are in your life.
Only someone who has lost a spouse can understand the power of time. It becomes more valuable and we want it to be QUALITY, since we can almost see the end of the tunnel, huh?
I don't know what advice to offer. There are some possibilities:
You can say that it "is what it is" and put her up at a hotel or other relative during her visit. You can visit her on neutral ground and slowly introduce him to her and her family.
You can go to her home, solo.
You (solo) can plan a vacation with them at a neutral site - another country or area and stay in a rental.
This is going to be a fine line for you to walk. While you need to respect her grieving process, she should not try to control YOUR grieving process. What she cannot understand or accept is that you have found happiness, something not in her realm of understanding right now.
PS. I lost my husband 6 years ago. Nine months after his death, I began to see a man (also a widower)socially, someone that that 2 out of the 4 knew. My children were upset, worrying that I was going to spend money on him. He never moved in, but often spent the night. It was the 2 GIRLS that had the most problems with me dating. The relationship didn't last but I am grateful I had someone to comfort me during that time. Perhaps some day your daughter will be grateful you had such a person in your life. She just can't see that now.
You don't say what your new beau says about this. What suggestions does he offer?
Thank you so much I really appreciate your perspective and advice. My beau is upset as his family have fully accepted me his three daughters have said that they are pleased their Dad is so happy which is why he can't understand my daughter. I am going back to see her on my own in a couple of weeks time and I will try and discuss the alternatives you have mentioned I do want her to be happy with the situation as she is a wonderful daughter and this is the only time there has been this tension between us. Thank you.
It's not exactly fair, but people (including grown kids) have learned to accept that a man will get back on the horse that much more quickly than a woman. They usually put it down to the fact that men of his age don't cope so well on their own, unlike women (generally speaking). But the truth is more that men are more pragmatic and rational so think, well, she's gone and there's no bringing her back again, plus she wouldn't have wanted me to mope, so..I have a life to continue living, best I get on with it. (Plus, they don't cope so well on their own, LOL.)
Two years on your own, though, is a decent and respectful grieving time for a wife. So that's why I believe your daughter has unresolved guilt towards her late dad. Alternatively/if not, perhaps it was she whom you leant on the most, and/or you had more time for her and her 'problems' compared to when her dad was still alive, meaning, she got used to being your numero uno and feels this new man is going to replace HER? Alternatively, maybe there *have* been tensions, only you weren't ever made aware of them (because she didn't want to risk rocking the otherwise beautiful boat), meaning, this is (whether wholly or only in part) her great cover story for finally picking a bone with you?
It doesn't sound like this is personal to him, in other words.