Great boyfriend, but missing something
hi guys, new to this things. thought i'd finally ask the question and get the opinion of people who don't know me and can see the bigger picture and get an outsiders point of view. excuse the lack of capital letters.
a bit of background information. I met my boyfriend of 18 months online. compared with a lot of guys Ive dated he was undoubtedly the most genuine. I had been on dates and flings wih about 9 dfferent guys before him from online. other than those 'relationships', I had never been with a guy properly before. I am 26. I met my boyfriend when i was 25.
A little about me. I'm 26, oriental but british born. I'm a Virgo and please do not slate me or judge me for stating so, but there is no other way I can explain my personality other than stating my star sign. I dont believe the fortune it tells and daily horoscopes etc. but i do, however, believe that a lot of people possess similar personality traits according to their star sign. anyway, I'm very critical of others (in my mind) and moreso about myself. If i do something wrong, i will literally beat myself up about it.....although this has gotten better over the years. I am very analytical, neat and tidy, organised and love romance, being spoiled....grew up watching very lame korean dramas...consisting of very idealistic love.
When I started online dated, it was an intention of mine to find someone, I liked aaaaaall the attention and after meeting up with some guys i grew confident. I met my boyfriend in the town where he lived. i have to travel 2 hours to get to him and visa versa. he picked me up and the date progressed. from this day we were together. next couple of dates the usual honeymoon stage...talked alot, had lots of sex in one day when we were able to see eachother. he went on a holiday that he had booked ages before and when he came back i went to the airport to see him before he left on a train home. everything was cool....we even went to thailand 4 months after getting together. now....it was generally great memories from there....but this was when i started to see the solitude attitude that my boyfriend likes.
Whilst on holiday, for example, sometimes he would leave the hotel room....thinking im asleep...to go downstairs to the shops to get himself a drink. didnt get me one. I asked why he didnt get me anything or ask me....he said i was sleeping. to be fair i thought...ok new relationship...doesnt really know too much about me and what i like...i let it go.
we would sit on a the boat...overlooking a gorgeous scenary, he would lean over to the side of the boat and just soak it all in by himself. other couples i noticed had their arms around eachother, hugging, admiring the view. this was also the time we spent 2 weeks together, when usually it would only be 2-3 maximum. so when we started not having sex everyday...i got upset (to myself). As mentioned before, never had a relationship so i didnt know what to expect. at one point in the middle of the holiday....he had a message saying a friend instructor of his has gotten into a skiing accident and died in nepal. he suddenly told me he might have to leave to go to the funeral. in my mind i was very upset...why would he just leave me like that....but 'luckily' flights were too expensive. he had met this guy whilst climbing one year and he was a great guy and loved by a lot of people....selfishly i didnt want him to go....and i also felt it was mean of him to leave me there by myself too.
after that trip we've since gone to hong kong, where my extended faily are, and to korea. I, obviously organised everything. we stayed at families and didnt pay anything. i had to buy gifts and asked for money. I had owed him money previously and calculated an amount we agreed on. at the same time i also bought him tshirts, ck underwear because he said he needed them for the holiday and i have more time to go shopping than he does...he never paid that back. being a causcasian man, my boyfriend has adapted very well to my chinese customs, impressed my family in the sense he'll try anything. hes polite and take offerings without hestiation (if you say no...its rude in my culture). My boyfriend can be very stubborn and no is a no if he does not want to eat, do or say anything. therefore, i was very relieved and proud of him there. we went during christmas, a time where i prefer to be at home. my boyfriend hates all holidays and doesnt celebrate birthdays. since the holiday, we're hoping to book to go to japan later in the year.
now for the main bits. First year anniversary before our trip to hong kong....for some reason I decided to get a nice steak and osyters for a romantic dinner at my parents house. my parents were away so he came to stay with me for a couple of days. for ages i had talked about going to the shard...or places with a view...romantic dinner. he agreed...would be nice. for some reason we didnt go there for our anniversary. valentines day...weeks before I said to him that i wanted him to organise it...and for a long time I just figured my boyfriends not a romantic guy...or doesnt know how to be....so i suggested places.....surrey, hertfordshire, windsor. i suggested booking a table because they get busy....suggested activities.....i simply said...a little adventure similar to when we had our frst date and a nice dinner. if he sorts that out...i can book the hotel as my part of the deal. come two days before the weeknd of valentines day....he hadnt told me where we were going and by then all hotels were fully booked. We had a disagreement on the phone. i said, "i asked you to pick a place and book a table for dinner". he said, "well i didnt know did i." i replied, "i told you weeks before to organise something because i wanted to do something and now tables are fully booked and hotels are not avilable. if you didnt want to do anything then why did you say you were ok wiith it at the time". he simply said he didnt have a choice. he said he thought valentines day were a gimick and waste of peoples money. I cried sobbed silently on the phone and hung up on good terms. I dont know whether we sorted the weekend out by then or after i hung up. on the day we went to windsor, i drove, spent a nice day out...ordered pizza express and stayed at holiday inn.
My boyfriend is a lovely man. He is also a virgo and we have a lot in common that way. He is hoewver, an introvert. I know where he is all the time. If he's not at home, he's at the gym or at his parents house. He has a great paying job, has four days off a week, owns a nice car and a bike....veyr into his nice things, like I am. He may not spend money on regular things, but he will pay out on something he likes. He is good with his money and generally very good with his house and his things. He is very tidy for a guy and a perfectonist when making/doing things. he doesnt like going to clubs...and i doubt he has been to any and he says he doesnt have any friends...but the ones he does are married and have children.
Before i met my boyfriend, he had been single for 18 months and he had been with his ex girlfriend for 4 years. From what ive asked about her....he claims she was very lazy and although he was very upset after they broke up, they were mutually drifting apart. Recently i asked why he thinks we work and his previous girlfriends didnt, he said we are very much alike. I agree to some extent. my likes and dislikes are very similar to his, including the tastes of how we like the house to be....things we eat and things we like to do.
The issues that I have with my boyfriend (finally we're getting there!!!!) is that I dont feel that my boyfriend loves me enough. He has never really organised a day for us to go out and have dinner...go on a date. most of the time we are doing things is because i suggested them. He is quite undecisive as a person and Im glad I inspire him, since he says he loves me because I like doing things and staying active in that sense. However, sometimes I just want someone to take the lead. He has never bought me gifts.He did once buy me perfume at the airport when we went to thailand, but i had gone out of my way to get him cologne weeks before and he felt an obligation to reciprocate. He once bought me skiing lesson very early on into the relationship. My boyfriend pays for meals when we are out...buys me food. always pays for food etc when I stay at his house. he sent me flowers for our anniervsary, because i asked him to. i really wanted them and knew he wouldnt do things like that...so i thought it was best to just ask him to. the whole valentines day thing...i stiill get upset about....why wouldnt you just want to surprise me or take me out for the day? if not valentines day...another day? I dont expect him to fine wine and dine me all the time...and buy me expensive bags....but sometimes when youre least expecting it....wouldnt it be nice to get your favourite chocolate bar when he was on his way home and went to the shops. When i ask him to get me macdonalds for breakfast, he will go. When i ask him i want sweets, he will go. am i being too seflsih to want him to just do it without me asking?
I like to go out to eat and also to explore places. I havent been able to do these things because he says everything is expensive. Going out to eat is expensive. He doesnt like london, by the way, surprise surprise he thinks its over crowded and everything is expensive. and i know if i expect him to pay for dinner I shouldnt go to expensive places...but honestly...its hard to find dinner places that is only £20 altogether, in london. Our first couple of dates turned out to be over than i expected and he still paid, which i was grateful, but they were great fun and the food was awesome! I am happy to buy dinner also but if i can take him out to places nice, why do i have to consider his pockets too if he never bothers to organise somewhere to eat. I am a student and dont earn a lot of money, he does...aagain am i being selfish to expect him to pay out more? when we were in HK he didnt have to pay for a lot of meals and especially accomdation, but in return he didnt really consider that as savings to spend more when it iwas just us too. i like to play fair. if he buys coffee...i'll get the cake. he pays for dinner and i will pay for the rest of the day...ie lunch and drinks. I spend money all the time on cleaning stuff for his house. I wanted to get him nice bed sheets from laura ashley since he's doing his bedroom. I buy a lot of food from the chinese super market and sushi everytime i go to his place. I cook very well and clean up after myself. I do my fair share in the domestic side.
The biggest concern that i have is affection and lack of romance. Besides not wanting to surprise me with dates or gifts of any value, my boyfriend is not the most affectionate. he will not kiss me often unless i ask for a kiss. He will happily come in from work and do his own thing and not think to give me a hello kiss. His affection towards me has improved from very little...to enough for me not to complain and somehow i've adapted to asking for affection when i want it. again, is it too much to ask for him to just kiss me on the lips spontaneously? he will always says i love you first before he hangs up on the phone. A large majority of the time we are messaging and he doesnt always use appropriate emoticons to show affection. sometimes its one worded answers. makes me feel like i talk too much or say boring things. he never elaborates when he messages or talks. you have to ask the right questions. how was your day? good,. did you do anything nice? yes. what did you do. not much.......you understand. again...over a period of time its gotten better. sometimes when he does that i say something and he'll respond better for a while. We had sex...but not as often as i like. once every 4-5 days. because of the lack of affection, having sex is the only time i'm truly intimate with him. He doesnt like cuddling on the sofa. when i try to lean on him...hes not too keen. we cuddle the most in bed. during the night he stays well away from me. he no longers stays in bed with me in the morning. he will jump right up. before we would lie there and talk, cuddle maybe and maybe sex. I used to get upset when he would just leave me to sleep. He now gives me a little cuddle and kiss before he gets up. My boyfriend doesnt hold me by the waist. we hold hands in public. he wont hold me from behind when waiting, put his arm around me or defintelty no kissing in public. he says he doesnt like people kissing excessively in public ( i agree) and he likes affections but just not all the time.
In the end, i guess i want to ask. are we compatible? are we good as couple. am i doing enough in the relationship...too much? Am i asking to much of him? We dont ever argue. If i ever ever have a problem....i talk to him and he listens and tries to sort it out. ouru communication with eachother is undeniably perfect. we get on very well. But his lack of affection and overall prioritty of relationships is too different from mine. I want some to be my partner as well as a friend and lover. he says he can never afford to move to london, but he doesnt understand that i will contribute to half. he wants a big house but not pay london prices...but london is where my family and friends are. When im where hes from....i get so lonely and stuck in the house. and when im with him for so long, he has to start doing his own thing and going gym and reading without me....and then what am i supposed to do...i dont have friends and he gets sick of me being in the house together for too long. therefore...the future living arrangments are not looking bright. i am the one who goes to his town the most because he has his own house. When it comes to seeing me these days...its for one or two days and he never seems to be happy when out in london....but surely you should be happy to come see me. i go to him one week and he comes here one week. is that too much to ask for? so why is it i havent seen him for 2 weeks...and he comes for this one day before he goes to work the next day....before the three days he has off...he needs to do his garden.....well this all prompted back the memories anyway.
i have great respect for those who have read this thread. looking forward to some replies.
By the way, i love my boyfriend and i can feel he loves me too. Im just wondering if he loves me enough and if in fact we are good enough together to oversee problems in the future...considering the way he is (laid back and ok being alone ) and how I am (impulsive and hopeless romantic)
I think the most important thing you said here is that you can talk to him and he listens so I think that is what you should do. Some men have a difficult time showing affection but that is not a permanent thing and it does not mean he doesn't love you. I think the best course of action is to let him know what you are thinking. You two need more communication. And just because other couples are super affectionate does not mean they will last. Those couples with their arms around each other may have broken up the next day but you two are still together. I hope this helped in some way.
Your whole post screams, 'Is this as good as it gets?'. Answer screamed back even louder: NO!
Whatever level of all-round bondedness and outward confirmations you expect is based on the level you're capable ordinarily of giving plus at that point in your life *wishing* to give, i.e. Ready, Willing & Able. To feel ready, willing and able requires Right Person, Right Place, Right Time. Plus innate or conditioned-in capability.
Your post is full of complaints and criticisms, each and every one sounding wholly with-grounds justified when using your individual capabilities and expectations as the frame of reference and yardstick. This is the context in which to judge, as well as the only one that matters.
In short, you are, on every level, feeling short-changed.
So would I be. So, IMO, would the majority of people. I do not see you as the unhealthy or hampered one here.
Whether he's like this ordinarily or merely unready or unwilling or unable at this point in his life, the guy lacks passion. Berbom. You want the love affair of the century. You want a guy who feels JOY at having found you, akin to feeling reborn, and shows it by wining and dining you, whisking you off for ROMANTIC holidays, finding it difficult to keep his hands *off* you (not the opposite)...etcetera. Quite right, too. That's what you, as a human, are supposed to be in line for and chasing/waiting to discover, and is what people understand true-love affairs to be like. The world today would be seriously under-populated if all relationships struck whichever partner as being as all-round insipid, disappointing, disillusioning and dis-inspiring as yours is you.
I think you're CLOSE to meeting your ideal soulmate, as this current "okay-ish/not exactly BAD" boyfriend sympatomatically demonstrates, but aren't quite 'there' yet. It's fine for some people, e.g. those whom don't place their primary romantic-sexual relationship at the top of their list of priorities, but not for those who do. Including you.
Don't ever settle. Not to that degree. I didn't and nor did my now-husband. We refused to, vowing separately that we'd rather remain alone than unhappy or even short-changed, and because of that, are so effing truly, madly, deepy in-love, still, that we can relate perfectly to that song by Bryan Adams ("Everything I do, I do it for you")...and, in fact, all the rest of the love-songs OUT there. It's not JUST in the daily non-stop demonstrations of love, lust, affection, enormous like, respect, admiration, fascination,..it's also in the daily mutual deeds aimed at one another and the relationship when in the moment and with our eyes fixed firmly on the calibre of our future together. In short, we are absolutely out-of-our-trees fruit-loopy about each other and nobody BUT NOBODY could fail to see it, no matter where we are, who we're with... we even cuddled close and stroked hands during the church service at a funeral last week. In other words, we don't have to make an effort to constantly canoodle and exchange loving, deep-eyed looks, we have to make an effort NOT to.
"Noooo-thing compares...... No-THING compares...2U!"
In short, I'm well placed to have read that post and thought, 'Ugh, sounds like my ex-marriage and only a little worse than my rebound relationship'. And whether you say and explain it in 1000 words or two, you don't need to ASK someone who loves you to pieces to treat you like their idea of heaven-on-legs with an irresistibly magnetic forcefield to match. They should do it BECAUSE THEY SIMPLY CANNOT HELP IT. Berbom.
Have I been an incurable romantic all my life? Nope. Am now, though. :-)
Don't settle. "Just keep swiii-ming, just keep swii-ming...".
You're increidble with your metaphors and adjectives...and references to songs. I thank you for the reply of the century, the one post that I've been waiting for. You are really good at giving advice.
Now I understand that you mean that I should not settle for less than I expect, but I personally believe that I do have very high expectations. And some might say that I should come down to earth and smell the roses, because not everyone is perfect. Not even me. I am very emotional as a person and have an innate inability to contain my thoughts and feelings and if I have a problem I will undoubtedly have to talk about it there and then. I bother my boyfriend all the time if I am annoyed at something about him....and then half an hour later after dramatising everything...I'm 'ok'. I feel he puts up with a lot of me as well.
The issues here now is, yes there is a huge lack of passion from my boyfriend and the non existence of romance eats away my happiness, however if I go to meet another man and have a relationship with him, he will not be as responsible, well managed, self controlled as my boyfriend is. The one reason why I have not been in a relationship before this now was because my mother told me....never find someone who drinks, smokes, gambles, loiter or womanises. Any one of those habits and you're doomed. My boyfriend is the only guy that I know who do none of these things. Period. Now I have a reason for being single minded about choices in men, my father is a depressive alcoholic and all the personality traits that he possess, I detest. My father is not abusive in any way, but for over a decade his drunken behaviours have ruined the relationship he had with me and my sisters. My mum has stuck by him because she is the one who wears the pants in the relationship and has always been in control of him and herself. She is strong willed and smart. My father was spoilt as the only boy in the family, grew up pissing about and having fun, started a business and and was very good for a while. But his downfall, unfortunately was because he was too nice. People were manipulative and he took everything personally, turned to alcohol for many years. Now he's afraid to go out but doesn't like to be alone, developed very closed minded ideas and it's just come to a point where I just see my father as a different person rather than blame him for anything.
Therefore, people pleasers, attention seekers, people who need post every meal they are eating on Instagram and tweet about every person they see on the train to work, are those types I think I subconsciously do not see myself as having a positive future with. I fear that if I cannot settle for a passionless relationship, I will have an even bigger issue with finding someone who won't end up becoming a mental burden on me. My mum is dying to get away but she still feels sorry for my father. He has nothing. Or do you reckon, that it's a separate problem entirely and that I am enlarging the issue, which isn't an issue at all right now.
(Cheers for the massive compliment; glad you're on my wavelength and can understand what I'm saying so well. :-))
Here's what's what: Your mother sounds like she feels *she* settled too soon, without giving that vehicle (relationship) a thorough enough test-drive, hence found herself disappointed once the engine revealed it had intrinsic problems that affected its running, without any way to fix, and that ever since you arrived she's been trying to drum into you what not to choose... so much so that you placed too much focus on what you don't want featured in a relationship thus forgot to focus on those qualities and personality traits you *do * want. So that's what you've accordingly got as your result: none of the important things you don't want but neither the important things you do. See it?
Having very high expectations about what you want to receive, assuming it's based on your being aware of what you yourself are genuinely capable of giving, does not make you unique or difficult to find a male counterpart for. And nor does the perfectly typical female trait of wanting to fix an engine that's making clonking noises NOW (rather than leaving the problem to become permanent and worsen) and then experiencing *frustration* and expressing it because your so-called teammate evidently doesn't (which is confusing and upsetting). That just makes you a WOMAN! It also makes you a befittingly suspicious woman... because if he had his eye on the future calibre of the relationship, why WOULDN'T he want to repair and maintain it as he went? So there's *his* attitude towards your relationship revealed, eh.
Boyfriend being responsible, organised, self-controlled, not a drinker, smoker, gambler, flake or womaniser... whatever else... That lot doesn't make him unique, either. There are too many men out there who have all of his qualities (and more), including self-discipline, but not the bad ones/ones that strike you as bad. You're in danger of repeating your mother's history by settling for Seemingly Good Enough (on-paper) instead of holding out for Better Than Most or Best (For Me). When you do patiently wait for your birthright, that's when you tend to get passion.. because the pair of you are so right together, there's nothing getting in the way of bonding to the degree where passion activates, *staying* bonded and building on it.
I think your boyfriend is controlling, merely using coolness and aloofness as his tool to do so rather than being one of those in-your-face types. (And people used and manipulated thus disappointed your father, you say?) Either that, or he really just doesn't feel it with you, not sufficiently, and is just paying the toll fees as he goes, by rote (using his self-discipline), because he knows he has to. Probably your boyfriend thinks he has to settle for Not Exactly Bad, in terms of a match, too. But if there's no passion, if what passion did initially exist has since fizzled out, then that is merely a ruddy great symptom of how you and he are not right for each other as long-term or permanent partners.
The upshot is this: waiting for Better/Best is not your source of danger. NOT waiting is. And there is more to finding a partner an all-round joy than his simply not being totally issue-ridden (in terms of what issues you're familiar with) or bitter and despondent nor over-concerned with social trivia. Being majorly attracted - and I mean majorly (whereby it doesn't ever wear off but grows and strengthens - because it's FED) - is the FIRST criteria box to tick off your mental checklist, and THEN comes the rest of it. But then, passion derives from those other things (feeling worshipped and adored, valued, respected, admired, understood, etc.), meaning, what you're then doing, checklist-wise, is merely examining what things *created* that mutual sense of passion.
You're into the test-drive, as features hairpin bends, etc., under various weather, road and traffic conditions, and, the sun now having gone in, the engine's now going CLONK-CLONK-CLONK and the gears starting to scrape, with the car veering towards the kerb despite there being no camber, etc. Don't hand your precious cash over. You can get a better make and model for your money. Everyone can.
Your mother is so paranoid that you'll take the left turns she took on her journey to finding a soulmate that she's overreactively been telling you to stick rigidly to the right...simply because it's the farthest away from left you can get (get it?). Nah. You should be sticking to the MIDDLE lane more. Or you should just go wherever your fancy takes you but NOT stop the journey prematurely. Her having stopped the journey was the problem, not what lane and turns she took before doing so.
Your fear of not finding someone better for you is just a fear that lives in your imagination, not a reality.
Once again thank you for your compelling words of wisdom. Your comparison of my problems to a car engine....classic! ><
I've obviously had this issue from...probably the very beginning of my relationship. From day one, my boyfriend and I never really had to...please eachother or chase one another, play 'games' in order to get to know what each other were thinking. At the time it really was the ultimate reason why I liked him and my mental checklist was tick tick tick. I did settle, because he was the first genuine guy who cared and liked me for who I am. You've somehow, evidently, put everything into context and I myself understand the way I think more now, even subconsciously.
However, at the end of the day, you are not me and you do not know my boyfriend and not that you expect me to, I will not take your advice as definite. I still love my boyfriend and I know he loves me too. Enough to know that I believe he will 'work on it'. I think what I will take away with me, is that....after I tell him exactly how it is...and not beat around the bush and prompt answers and be tactful...since that failed to work...(I would always tell him and then blame myself also.). I think that once all is said and he would have had time to consider if he loves me enough to 'want' to see me as a the one and only and meet me in the middle with passion and loving eyes, I will decide there after. not because he's the one who ticks the boxes of qualities I don't want, but because he's the one that I do want.
Many thanks again. You're incredible.
. . . Just as long as you understand that no one can really change another person.
You can't MAKE him be passionate, generous, adventurous, understanding or exciting. (Those are all issues that you have with him.)
You believe that he will "work on it." Please give yourself a mental deadline on those hoped-for changes.
A clear path has been revealed for you by a person who "settled" for less. You can choose that path or make one for yourself.
I understand what it's like to not be ready to throw in the towel just yet or to give them the generous benefit of the doubt in terms of believing it's 'in there' but being suppressed and just needing encouragement to come out,... course not... you've spent a heck of a lot of time and energy investing yourself emotionally in this bloke... but unless you've been slapping his face every time he so much as uttered one mushy word or produced one bunch of flowers, then I fail to comprehend his reasons for being so money-mean and withholding because, reading all of the above, including between the lines, added to logical behavioural extrapolations, you sound like a total Giver to me, the type who'd do anything for anyone she truly cared about.
...aside from this bit: eighteen months. I don't think he was sufficiently ready to get back on the horse, meaning, now you're caught in a dynamic that got fashioned whilst he was still in ultra-guarded once-bitten mode, which then set like cement. But by all means see what the suspicion of imminent loss does, whether it'll make him up his ante. You don't know until you try. Word of warning, though: flowery words and promises mean eff-all unless the corresponding actions back them up. So stay giving off this vibe of 'unimpressed'-ness until you get the actual proof of attitude change. And that's SUSTAINED/REPEATED proof, by the way; no one-off fob-off gestures. Plus, as Susie said, definitely decide on a realistic cut-off point.
Let us know how it goes? If it fails, I know a load of better, cannier tacks. Do start with "the talk", though... A before Z and all that. :-)
Hello there! Me again!
So the progress since 5 months ago.. Is that my boyfriend and I have had several chats about the problem I have with him not being passionate enough... Romantic enough... Affectionate. He's become all those things that I'm satisfied with. When I just sit there and not talk. He'll come up to me and cuddle me (although not for too long) and talk to me in a baby voice. He'll go out and buy me ice cream if I wanted and make me drinks the the way I like it without me asking. He's arranged to ride a motorcycle around in kyoto this November (as my request) and take me somewhere (I've organised the rest of the trip). We've established that I'm the organiser and like doing it. My boyfriend literally can sir and drink coffee all day and people watch. No thank you. Plenty of things to see and do....he wouldn't complain if I had things organised... But if I left it for him to do... Unless he was determined to go somewhere... We could end up doing nothing all day.
Anyway... I wanted to ask your advice on how to open him up. My boyfriend and I communicate very well. Or at least with everything else except talking about love. He says he loves me all the time.. And calls me bb and sweetie (only), he does things for me and shows me he loves me... But when I ask why... And don't give any reasons... He just says you don't need a reason to love someone. I think you do. I've said to him why I love him. I also ask... Is it because we can talk to each other... Do things together.. I like his quirks etc etc. He would say I agree. I've asked him... If you could be with any person...someone ideal... Who would it be (I gave him my ideal)... He would say... Someone like you. I've asked him... Am I different compared with him ex girlfriend. He would say... Very different. How different. You're better.
Today I said to him, "you better not like the coffee machine I'm getting you more than me. I need to be the one who occupies your desires and thoughts the most" (he loves coffee and has been talking about the machine that I offered to get him for his birthday). He replies. You do sweetie.
He will never be able to say what they do in the movies is he. Say that I'm beautiful and wonderful and has never loved anyone like me before because I'm just so damn amazing. If I don't put words in his mouth I won't ever hear how great I am. I got upset once when I was moaning about not seeing him as much and how I hate being away from him.. And how I can't wait two years before we get a place. He just listened and never assured me that it'll come by quickly and he feels the same...but it'll take time and bla bla. I really thought that was it. We spoke later and I was crying a lot... And he said he doesn't see the rush.. He doesn't want to get a divorce?? And that he wants me to be realistic. I said I understand what buying a house entails... But it's just nice to hear him sugar coat it a little so I can look forward to something whilst I'm working hard to get there. It's like I complain about work and being tired... But I tell myself... Holiday to Asia coming up! Yaaaaaay... Bring on 3months. He said he loves me and trusts me (he doesn't want us to get a house and get a divorce and his wife takes everything over marriage... His friends are all married and tied down with women who seem to control the men's money...so like a protection thing.) but there is no rush. The next couple of days he was sending me links to houses he's been looking at.. And took me around one day to see the houses on sale (just a drive around)... So he does think but just doesn't say. I push and push and we both said we were tired. I'm tired of always asking... And he was tired of always trying to convince me (he loves me)
Unsure really as to what I'm asking.
Thanks for anything you can say
TO: SOULMATE-This was the most insightful, informative advice about what LOVE IS AND IS NOT.
I have been so enlighten by your intelligent, meaningful information and advice. I wish I had this advice when I first started out in life and
I do hope that GIRL-IN-LOVE takes your wise advice. Thank you again :).
(Cheers again, SG.)
It sounds as if your problem is, you never got a Honeymoon Period... hence are now trying to solicit a belated one... only it's not coming. Yes, you've got some of the actions that tell you he does value you. But you haven't got the heated words with it. And for passion to be sparked and kept alight, you've got to have BOTH elements. Because one is man-friendly and the other woman-friendly. So basically, you'd be feeling perfectly okay if you were a man too.
Saying that, however, I don't like his pessimistic attitude with regards to 'what if it ends up in divorce?'. Someone needs to tell him that with THAT attitude he is going to bring about a negative self-fulfilling prophesy. Because obviously if his behaviour, even if only subconsciously, is geared towards avoiding that outcome then what it is NOT geared towards is success, meaning, every little thing he does/fails to do, in terms of a whole package, is borne from a focus of failure. For example: if he doesn't want to gush, not even reciprocally, because he feels it could lead to your relaxing and taking him for granted and then going off him due to lack of challenge (??), you're going to feel discouraged and disinspired which is then going to have YOU too fixated on failure being the more likely outcome thus equally incapable of daring to give and express your own feelings......Down, round, down, round, SPLAT!
Analogy: a race runner surveys the track and the other race contestants, doubts he can win the race, tells himself so and adds this: "Well, I'd better NOT waste my precious energy by busting a gut for no reason". But by NOT busting a gut, HE DOESN'T WIN! So he ends up making his fear real. And so it repeats with every subsequent race.
In other words, he's one pessimistic ucker. Plus, in short, he's like a chocolate vending machine: unless you deliberately press a button (in his case, AND SAY YOU ARE) - sometimes more than once or overly hard - nothing spews forth.
He's not supposed to be a chocolate vending machine (that, in the H/moon period, is the woman's role!). He's supposed to be a chocolate FOUNTAIN!
Being a vending machine is not giving, is it. It's doing only what one MUST, in order to MAINTAIN the relationship.
In short, he's not building on the relationship. Or at times when he is, he's failing to decorate his attitude and actions with the words, and that's like dispensing a chocolate bar with zero wrapper and a few bites taken out of it.
You're probably not NOTICING all of his actions or the depth of their meanings, perhaps. But you would if he pointed them out or defined their context by creating the climate they sit in - via hearts and flowers - wouldn't you.
So, in actual fact, I beg to differ: he CAN'T be 'tired of convincing you' because he's NOT 'convincing you'. The fact of the act of even HAVING to push a button or pull a lever to get the right noises out of him is what de-convinces you in the first place (to the power of 5), meaning, even if he DOES eventually come out with the right things in any romantic manner, what WOULD have convinced you to the power of 10 had it come willingly from him under his own initiative is now paying off a deficit of 5... meaning his convincing action/reaction now only has the power of 5. Get it?
You're going to have to tell him how you need the soundtrack, that you're not into silent movies and that they basically leave you luke-warm and wondering whether to nod off or leave the cinema altogether.
He then has the choice between [a] LEARNING - TOUTE SUITE, ON-THE-JOB - to be more vocally affectionate and passionate and whatever else (or to dare to, should I say) or to [b] find a (male-brained) woman with radar that's more wholly compatible with his own. Because if overall he doesn't make you feel STUPID to ever question exactly what he feels for you as well as to what degree, this relationship is going to go nowhere (beyond where it currently sits, I mean).
It's called ROMANTIC. It makes a woman feel all warm inside and leads to the urge to become more and more responsive. And practise makes perfect.
Tell him you're solar powered and that's that. ;-)